I'm Not Sorry

At least once a day, a woman will apologize to me for something that she didn't do wrong. "Whoops! Sorry," she'll say, as she drops a piece of paper on the floor, or asks me my name. "I'm sorry, what was your name?" Wait, let me get this straight. You're sorry because I have a name?

Ladies! It's not necessary for you to apologize to me -- or to any human -- for arbitrary non-issues. Where did women pick up this behavior? I'm guessing from their own mothers. I'm guilty of it, myself. When a homeless guy asks me for money and I don't have any, what do I say? "I'm sorry," and keep walking. When someone says something to me and I didn't hear them, I say, "Sorry?" Wait, I'm sorry because you mumble? What the shit is wrong with me?

More things that do not deserve apologies:

- Passing by someone (that gets an "excuse me" and doesn't need to be followed up with a "sorry")

- A precursor to a benign question, as in, "I'm sorry, do you know what time it is?"

- In the place where a "No" answer will do, as in, "No, we don't have any soy cheese tacos"

- If you make a mistake that really primarily only affects you (drop your own cellphone)

OK, so, women aren't the only ones guilty of this behavior. Willowy men and surely transvestites or hermaphrodites also engage in apologizing over nothing. I think it's a sign of low self esteem, and I think that low self esteem sucks so hard. It's one of the biggest societal problems of our planet, and it goes relatively unschooled, unfixed and unmentioned, causing serious problems, including war, genocide and good ol' fashioned run of the mill violence - ya know, beheadings by spouses and what not.

What do I want? Stronger humans. When do I want them? Centuries ago! What am I gonna do about it? Well --

Just as I've started to make a mental note to recognize every time I say "like" in an effort to STOP saying LIKE all the time, I've started to pay attention to how often I say "I'm sorry" for things that no one deserves an apology for. I've gotten better about saving my apologies for when I really owe them, like, for when I break an antique vase, or when I drop a door on an old lady's hand or when I ride my bicycle into a person because I was staring up at the sky instead of forward. Now I just have to work on not being so clumsy and silly-hearted.

Sorry!

Oh, wait -- I mean, no I'm not.

Oscars

Who cares? The only reason I watch the Oscars is so I can tweet snarky obnoxious comments out into the world with almost no repercussion. Normally if I were to say those things about people I knew in the real world, I'd get punched or shunned or both. Unfortch I think I was tweeting with a tag that no one cared about, #Oscars2012, while others were tweeting just a simple #oscars. Ah, well, there's always the rest of my life.

The Oscars were not interesting or fun to watch, for the most part, except that I watched and live tweeted them for thelodownny.com blog at their HQ in the Lower East Side of NYC with a handful of snarky others. The dialog my associate viewers launched at the TV - via real life and twitter - was the real show.

Here are some of my tweets as well as some of my favorite Oscar tweets of other twitterheads, enjoy, and don't say them out loud to the people they are about if you know them, or you may get kicked in the groin or shin area. Also, if you are the celebrity I said them about, a heh, uh, hey, I was just kidding! ha ha heh hmm.

Some of my twingers:

Just realized my mom looks exactly like Robert DeNiro#LodownOscars #Oscars2012 #MyMom

Owen Wilson, I love you, is that too much too fast? #LodownOscars#Oscars2012

Nick Nolte doesn't look great, but he doesn't look as bad as Mickey Rourke in The Wrestler#LodownOscars #Oscars2012

What would make this back flip montage really spectacular is just one wrong move#LodownOscars #Oscars2012

Eugene Levy looks like Vincent Price now #LodownOscars#Oscars2012

Hey rich people, why not stand up for black people before they win awards? #LodownOscars#Oscars2012

I dont know about hottest guy in the room, but Oscar probably has the fewest stds of all the guys in the room #LodownOscars

Twingers I Liked:

"Just realized that it's a harder job to watch Billy Crystal host the #Oscars than for him to do it" - Comedian Liam McEneaney

"I remember when I was a kid and me and my family would live talk the Oscars." – Comedian Nikki Glaser

"The only people who look in the mirror and think, `Perfect!' are murderers and Bradley Cooper." – Writer / Tweeter Kelly Oxford

"People throw around the word "hero" too much. Use it for what it's for: a millionaire actor playing a disabled person." - Comedian Rob Delaney

"I like this years theme "Death of the Film Industry" #oscars - Comedian Jena Friedman

Hollywood is all smoke and mirrors. And by that I mean pot and cocaine. #oscars #tweetroast

- Comedian Wendy Liebman

a scene from the secret pilot featuring Seth Herzog

My Very Own TV Pilot

Hey friends. So, some of you may already know this -- I have been working on creating and have filmed my very own TV pilot. I can't reveal a lot of the details, nor can I show it publicly right now for certain specific reasons, of which the details would bore you. But I will say this -- I'm pretty happy with it and rather excited about it. It's based on my alter ego, "Jennifer Belsino" and it involves my guitar.

Now here's the best part -- you can also be involved! Yes, you, the one elbow deep in that Pringles container! I need your help. I need you, reader, supporter, peer, creative stranger, sibling, college pal, high school buddy, distant relative, Uncle Jamie, ex-band member, rando millionaire, guy who fixed my computer once -- all of you -- to dig deep down into your -- nope, not your wallets -- dig deep down into your brain's chewy caramel nougat-y center and THINK. Who do you know who wants to see this pilot? Do you have a friend who works in programming at a TV station? Do you have an ex dog walker who's mom's best friend once owned HBO? Did your grandpa used to write for All In The Family? Do you think maybe you might possibly know someone, but you're not exactly sure? US? UK? LA? NYC? Atlanta? I don't care. Any and all of those will do.

Please email me for the secret link to the video and send it to your friend. If you want to see this series on TV, I'm gonna need your help. I don't have enough money or enough high falutin' family members to do it on my own. Email me at jess delfino at gmail dot com.

And most importantly, thanks!! Your support and encouragement over the years is what has kept me going in this dismal, catty, snobby, uptight, competitive, mean, rude business, where people don't return your calls and act like they're too busy for you and slam doors in your face with every turn. Sometimes I even wonder why I'm still doing this. And then I think of you -- the person reading this blog right now. You are really and truly the reason why. I have folders of supportive and encouraging letters saying you love my work -- I've saved them all -- and so, as long as you love it, I'll keep doing it.

Old People Rock

My Grandmother is 86 and I make sure to try to speak to her at least once a week. She keeps me in touch with a world I'll never know but wish I did. I have both of my Grandmothers, still, lucky me. My other Grandmother is 83, and she drives a BMW and often goes out to eat and shop on her own. It scares me that she drives, but I admire her gusto.

And let's not forget Bea Arthur, how cool was she? And Joan Rivers, who I share a birthday with. She's out of this world awesome, in my humble opine.

Yesterday, someone posted this website link to my Facebook page about the trendy and fashionable elderly, of which there are many in NYC.

Every time I feel judged or wary of my words, I look forward to the future, when I will be old and then it won't matter anymore. Just make it 80, I tell myself, and then I can do whatever I please. Like the woman in the terrifically inspiring poem "Warning", which begins, "When I am old, I shall wear purple." Well, I do that now. But when I am old, I shall wear purple flip flops as earrings.

And ain't no one gonna say sh!t about it.

RIP Whitney Houston
"Saving All My Love For You" on ukulele