Thursday, November 25, 2004


I am at my friend's in midtown watching the Macy's Day Parade. I considered giving y'all a blow by blow, but I think that channels 2,3,4,5,6,7,8,10 and 13 probably have it pretty well covered.

There's tons of yummy food here and we're on the 23rd floor, looking down over the balcony. I could spit on someone and they'd think it was raining. People are so gullable. It looks a little overcast, too, so it is totally doable.

The parade is actually kind of gay. It's a lot of marching and advertisement in the form of a float. Anyone in line to see the movie, "Chicken Little" ? Well, with the help of a float, the box office intake should be sky high...gross, was that just a Chicken Little pun? I promise you, it was unintentional.

I like being in NYC with friends, but I miss my family. I don't wish I was there, I wish they were here.

These drummers in the parade act so big. Dude, anyone can keep a beat on a bucket. Try playing a clarinet, and then we'll see how great you are. Helicopters are circling overhead incase anyone releases a bomb, disguised as humongous floating black baby. (A real float.)

There are kids on David's balcony, ripping up paper and throwing it into the crowd. See the differences that bring the poor and the rich together? They're making confetti! There's nothing more in the spirit of the holidays than the rich littering onto the heads of the poor and middle classes.

The music in this parade sucks. I can't even dance to it. I think the band is playing the theme to Dallas. I think that reference will get lost on many a tiny ear. I embarrassed myself this morning, when the band was playing the Madonna song, "Holiday." I said to the kids, "That's Madonna! Do you guys like Madonna?" And they replied, "Who?"

There are people on the planet who don't know who Madonna is? There is something gravely wrong with America's schools today.

Cool, more drummers! And get this - they're drumming shit! Paired with the car horns of mid town, it's like a duet of beats and beeps. Sweet Jesus, forgive me. OK, that IS DEFINITELY the theme from Dallas. Guys - is that the most common denominator theme song slash Thanksgiving mood music you could dig up?

So, this has been my play by play of the Macy's Day Parade. There's a lot of parade left, but I have to go get drunk on Mimosas. That's what rich people drink to celebrate how they have more than the poor. Champagne makes me feel rich, even though I'm not. So, I guess it's also what poor people drink to make them thankful that they're not "like" the rich (everything besides having all that cold dough.)

Thank you, and have a blessed day of dead turkeys and carnage, won't you all?

Monday, November 22, 2004


I'm going to be starting a new open mic. It's every Sunday night at 7 pm at APOCALYPSE LOUNGE which is between B and C on E. 3rd St. It's starting the Sunday after Thanksgiving. It's going to be called "All You Can Eat" Open Mic and it's going to be free. Sign up, first come, first serve. I might have real, actual judges. I'm not sure yet. I might just have designated hecklers. I don't believe that open mics should be soft and caring. Maybe it's because MINE weren't, god dammit, but I think it's because I TRULY BELIEVE that being coddled doesn't help anyone.

So come and perform, do whatever you want, and don't expect to get booed off stage, because that won't happen. But do expect a strange show with several hosts, all hot chicks. They have a DI and mics and a stage and all the other stuff that make open mics work.

Hello, readers of Jessy Delfino's blog, and to any empty computers that happen to have been left on with my blog page up, this is to the void in the chair in front of you.

I'd like to talk about what happened to me at brunch last Saturday, because it's been bothering me a lot.

I DID go to brunch for a second weekend in a row wiht a lady friend, who for the sake of our friendship, will remain anonymous. We found a cheapish place, only $10, for a three course meal. Nice, huh? So, things started out quite lovely. We drank some tea, ate some bread and a variety of yummy stuffs that you dip bread in, and were chatting like two old hens, when all of a sudden, we started talking about comedy. It's hard not to talk comedy, especially when you're both involved in that line of business.

I mentioned to her some other things that have happened since we last spoke. I had also told her a story that day about when I took a trip with the Trachtenburgs and opened up for Touching You, and had what might have been the all-time best set (reaction from the audience-wise) I've ever had, (the audience was chanting "Bring back Jessica!" when Touching You was on...) and it made her get very angry with me. She said she thinks I brag a lot and it makes her not want to be around me. She said that I don't have to sell myself to her.

I wanted to write about it because I feel like I did something wrong by telling her about some of the good things that have happened to me lately, but at the same time, I don't really feel like I did anything wrong. It really hurt my feelings that she told me not to share my TINY, almost INVISIBLE landmarks along the way, especially because compared to some of her achievements, mine are like bags of vomit with holes in them that are dripping all over the place and then there's no mop to clean it up so I have to use an article of my clothing, like my socks or something, because it's dripping somewhere very important, perhaps on important documents or a surface that could be affected by the stuff in vomit that makes model's and other non-skinny bulimics get spotty teeth. The acid.

After she yelled at me, which isn't actually true, she didn't raise her voice even a little bit, it was pretty much delivered in a spoken manner, but she might as well have stood on the table and screamed at me, because the way I felt afterwards was like she had done just that. We pretty much settled it and made up, and I think it's all fine now, but still, I had to digest it in my own way for a few days afterwards. The way I usually digest things is to think about them a lot. The more I think about them, the more I notice that the thought starts to hurt less each time it is thought about. Eventually, it doesn't hurt anymore at all, because I've resolved it from thinking about it so much. Or maybe it works the other way around. It doesn't hurt because I've thought about it so much, thus it is resolved.

Anyway, what I mostly settled on in my head is that this is a business that does so many evil things to people. It brings out the worst qualities in people. It brings out anger, fear, jealousy, it makes people lie, steal, beg, brag, it makes people sick. No matter if you're doing well or not, people are always looking at other people, thinking, "Why don't I have what THEY have?" and "HE doesn't deserve that. I deserve that."

When Kurt and I used to date, he got lots of stuff. Managers would CONSTANTLY give him their cards, managers of BIG agencies. People would interrupt our conversations to say good things to him and act like I wasn't even standing there ALL THE TIME. He'd get jobs, comedy work and all sorts of other perks and plusses and I'd get NOTHING. I'd get criticized behind my back by his friends, who would call me unfunny and his crappy comic girlfriend, and NO ONE took me seriously as a performer. I was his unwatchable dumb bitch. Then, a few people who he liked said they thought I was funny, and slowly, things started to change. I started to get some nice comments from people, and started to get a little bit of recognition. Though most of our peers didn't give a shit about me, people who I looked up to and admired all for the most part liked my comedy. Whenever I'd complain to Kurt that it hurt me that he'd pretend not to know me when we went to comedy clubs, he'd tell me to shut up and that was the way the business worked. Kurt pretty much helped to destroy every shred of self-esteem I had, because I believed all the evil shit he said. Then, I had to build it back up from nothing. Not an easy task.

I believe that there is a 'way' the 'business' 'works.' But I don't think it HAS to be the most evil way.

I've seen some interesting things happening around the comedy world. Ted Alexandro and Russ Meneve are spearheading a project to try to get working comics in NYC a unionized payrate, which would be a valuable change. Comedians who can't get spots at clubs or don't want to play the social ladder climbing game (because that's most of what getting booked at clubs is about) have started their own rooms and shows. I can't get booked at Eating It, which I think I've mentioned before, because Jeff Singer thinks I'm too alternative. My bf is planning on passing out pro-Delfino flyers at the show tonight. I don't necessarily think that's the BEST plan, and I wouldn't do it, and I don't necessarily condone or detest the idea, but I think it's an interesting option that I haven't seen other people do yet.

When I talk about my very miniscule achievements, like a review in JANE or a write up in this or that, that's all it is, a VERY MINISCULE achievement. Believe it or not, it doesn't mean that all of a sudden my phone is ringing and everyone wants to buy Delfino. When I was on Good Morning America, I REALLY EXPECTED the phone to begin ringing immediately with star makers offering me parts in movies and chauffered cars to luncheons here or there. What I realized is that I have a LONG, LONG way to go, and the road is infinite, paved with millions and millions of tiny blurbs in papers. I still need about 15 million more of 15 million other things to happen before I can sit back and relax.

Whatever achievements I have to share with my friends and family, I expect them to share something in return. Some are going to share appreciation for the fact that someone is paying attention out there in la la land. Some are going to be proud or happy to know me. Others are going to be angry or confused, thinking, why her and not me? But my FRIENDS? I expect them to celebrate the small successes of my journey, and I plan to celebrate theirs, also.

I'd never be angry if a friend shared their accomplishments with me. I hear of great things happening to friends all the time, and it makes me have faith in the world for brief moments, because if my friends are getting acknowledgement, then someone is doing something right, and I know the people who DESERVE attention are getting it.

And don't worry, girlfriend, SHITLOADS of things are going wrong in my life on a daily basis, but I have a feeling that conversation/laundry list would be even MORE annoying to hear over brunch.

But here's just a few, maybe to negate the good things you might have heard from me:

- I have no place to live (Sure, I'm crashing at my bosses place for a few months but then he's moving in, and I have to go.)
- I'm 28 with no plans in sight as far as marriage or family - that is daunting to a woman who's youth and eggs are about to hold hands and jump into the river.
- I just had my license suspended and if you heard the story, you'd be APPALLED.
- My boyfriend can't stop telling me about all the girls he wants to fuck who aren't me. (Because he believes in TOTAL honesty.)
- I have a crying problem, and I can't stop crying ever.
- The only men who care about me are freaky creeps who just like me because my jokes are all about pussy.
- I've got some wierd rash on my thigh that looks like either cancer or AIDS, and it's crawling up closer to my vagina on a daily basis. I'm afraid when it gets there, it's going to eat my fallopean tubes.
- I can't get booked at comedy clubs.
- My peers all think I'm insane (and everyone else does, too.)
- I've had a body quaking cough for over a month.
- I've got over 20 grand in college debt.

It's hard to guess what people want to hear. Do they want to hear good things or bad things? When I say good things, I hear complaints that I'm bragging. When I say bad things, I hear complaints that I'm complaining. I guess I should just work more on being funny and less on being honest.

Here's a joke:

How do you know that a boy is being raped by the priest at his church?
- The boy acts strange at church.

ha HA!

If you want to hear more, I'm doing a show tomorrow night at a place called RAGA.

It's called Chicks and Giggles. It's at 433 East 6th St. at 8:30PM.

Hope you can make it. I'll be there, talking about things both good and bad.

Monday, November 15, 2004

by Jessica Delfino

Yesterday, I had the worst brunch experience of my life. The fact that I am even chalking the experience by the name "worst brunch experience of my life" is quite revealing, I would think, but I don't mean for it to be. I never get to go out to brunch, which made it even worse.

When I DO get to go to brunch, 'cause I have a few extra bucks or a friend has offered to treat, I usually go to Stingy Lulu's on St. Marks and Ave A. I love going there, because the food is usually very good, the service is usually pretty decent, the food is reasonably priced ($10) and included with that price is ALL YOU CAN DRINK BLOODY MARYS!!! Awesome - who doesn't love getting tanked at one on a Sunday? Can anyone say "me?" I didn't think so.

Well, we got there around 2 - Chris, Harry, Victor and I. We got a big nice booth, which is always a must. But we immediately discovered our waiter was at best incompetent and at worst, incredibly high AND incompetent. He made us wait 40 minutes for menus, and an hour later, we were still waiting for our Bloody Marys, coffee and tea. So, I decided to get up and investigate, because we hadn't even SEEN our waiter for the better part of the hour. I walked over to the bar and said, "Hi, we've been waiting for drinks for an hour. I was just thinking maybe I could carry them to the table to help our waiter out. He seems very busy." It WAS really busy. She told me to wait and so I sat back down. About ten minutes later, he came over with three Bloody Marys for the two drinkers at the table. We downed them instantly, and almost instantly, he brought us three more.

Across the aisle, the couple heard us complaining that the service was lacking. She said the waiter had to bring her husband's food three times because the order was messed up. She said they'd been there two and a half hours and were never coming back.

Meanwhile, I'd gotten instantly loaded from the three bloody marys I inhaled, and now drunk with no food in my stomach, starving and lit, I began to get loud and cranky. I got up again and went to inquire about the coffee and tea which never appeared. Finally, a bus boy came to our table and I asked him nicely to please help our waiter out because he seemed like he was probably drowning in orders. Almost two hours in, we finally got our food. My order was fucked up. I tried to send it back, but the table of ravenous man people devoured it before I could even give it to the waiter. So, I asked him to please bring me another one, the right way. He said they were out of homefries and so I'd have to have french fries, and brought my eggs florentine on burnt toast instead of a warm english muffin. So, I complained again and he said to wait a minute. He brought us yet another round of Bloody Marys, which we sucked down instantaneously. At that point, I got up and went to the kitchen myself and said, "I've been waiting for my food for over two hours. Can I please just have the french fries and eggs on burnt toast?" I then began sobbing, as I was starving and totally wrecked on the BMs. They were very sympathetic, and gave me someone else's order with ham on it. I removed the ham, being a vegetarian, and gobbled it down. At this point, we'd gotten ANOTHER round of Bloody Marys, so I'd drank like 6 of them on an empty stomach. We paid the bill, which they very kindly pro-rated, and then got the hell out of there. I can't be sure, because I was quite drunk, but as I was leaving, I think I shouted, "This is the worst brunch experience I've ever had!"

Once we all got outside, I apologized to my friends for crying at brunch.

The moral of this story is, I think "Sorry I cried at brunch" would make a good tee-shirt.

Friday, November 12, 2004


I have been given the award over at HIGH TIMES of "Best Unsigned Band of the Week".
YAY! This is so exciting for me, because I smoke marijuana!

If you clicked on the HIGH TIMES link and it brought you here, please click on the SONGS link if you want to hear a free MP3, so you can decide for yourself, as the HIGH TIMES article states, and I believe it was alluding to whether or not I'm any good (based on The Onion calling me a cross between Redd Foxx and Jewel and Backstage calling me hilariously ribald). If you want to come and see me perform tonight, I'll be at Silk Road Place at 8 PM, 30 Mott St., doing dirty folk rock and filthy stand-up. If you want to see me perform on-line somewhere, visit this link:


If you are a regular reader of my blog or an accidental stumbler accrosser and want to see the HIGH TIMES blurb for yourself, visit this link:


If you don't approve of all this talk of marijuana and want to turn me in, please click on this link:


I wonder if this makes my parents proud. It's like when your daughter comes to you and shows you her Playboy centerfold spread. Playboy Models are super well-paid - it is a pretty lucritive set-up. In addition, there's a certain amount of admiration that comes with the job, lots of men and women are jealous and adoring, obsessed, fascinated, turned on, disgusted, disturbed, distraught, lots of other d-i-s words, too. Who doesn't love sluts? Are parents proud of their little whore bags? That money can pay for many, many semesters of community college.

I don't think there's anything terribly wrong with posing naked in a magazine, especially if you're using that money for something you need, like heroin.

Thanks for visiting my website if it's your first time. Visit my links to see some other sites of note. If it's not your first time, hope you come back again, and please bring some beer next time.

Wednesday, November 10, 2004


A summer or two ago (I can't remember because time and I don't keep in touch) I played a small part in a short film that my friend Nick Kroll wrote and directed. It's called "Cavalcade of Personalities" and has managed to find it's way onto Comedy Central. It will air on Sunday, November 14th at MIDNIGHT and on Wednesday, November 17th at 2 AM. Again, it's called Cavalcade of Personalities. My part is very short. I'm a pregnant woman who is considering impaling my belly on a huge pointy spear. Appropriate, eh?

So, if you get a chance to watch it, that'd be super cool. But even more important than watching it on TV, there is a link to see a segment of it on the Comedy Central Website. That link is this:

I don't know why I can't turn it into a hyper link right now! My blogger toolbar has disappeared. If I knew HTML, I'd do it by heart, dammit!

But just copy and paste it into your browser if you're one of those people who likes to watch stuff on the internet or is bored, because it will actually help us a lot to get tons of hits to the link, because it will make Comedy Central think we're awesome. So, please copy and paste the link into your browser, go to the site, and then click on the link for Cavalcade of Personalities, which is located in the Second Show group of segments. I believe it's the last one of the three on the right.


Once you guys read the letter posted below, the pun in the headline will all make sense! Maybe. Basically, Russ Meneve and Ted Alexandro, two well-reputed comics working about NYC (I think they both work mainly bigger clubs and also do TV appearances) are trying to get comedians together to form a union-like arrangement between clubs and comics so that there is fair and equal pay across the board at comedy clubs. I am not really a club working comedian in NYC. I used to perform at the Boston Comedy Club, but if you work there, it is mostly non-lucritive unless you are a national headliner or something almost as good. Had there been a union, I'd have been making some money. I'd like to go to address comedians (like me) who mostly perform at alternative venues and a lot of music clubs. I'd also like to talk about creating some kind of basic pay agreement for comedians who perform at the many rooms and booked shows around New York. At the Comic Strip, they pay every comic at least $5, every time they perform. Though $5 isn't much to some, it's a round trip subway fare and a Yoo-Hoo to others. I believe that every single comic who works anywhere ever in NYC (unless it's an open mic with the exception that they were invited to perform at the open mic as a headliner or booked act) should have to be paid $5 or $7 or be fed. Though it is menial, it is still something.

Comedians who have day jobs or comedians who pound the pavement night after night, practicing, working out and performing around the city are WORKING and they should be getting SOMETHING for that, even if it's practically nothing.

I'd also like to get bringer shows outlawed, but that's a fight for another time.

SO, read the letter below from Russ Meneve and Ted Alexandro, and if you would like to attend, remember to e-mail and let them know you're coming.

Let's kick the ass of greedy assholes who kick the asses of comedians by raping them by means of robbing them of fair pay!


Fellow Comedians,

Based on the overwhelming positive response (in excess of one hundred
NYC comedians) a meeting has been scheduled for Tuesday, November 30th,
at 3:00 pm. The location will be at the Writer's Guild of America, 555 West
57th Street (57th and Tenth Avenue). We will be assisted by a
professional negotiator for the Writers Guild, Jesus Sanchez, who has extensive
experience in cases exactly like ours.

Please, whatever your opinion, it is important that you attend the meeting. We hope to determine our collective goals founded on each individual's thoughts on what is most fair for us, as well as the club owners. Please e-mail back as soon as possible if you can make the meeting. If I may also ask each of you to make an effort to once again forward this letter to every comedian you can, as well as verbally relaying the meeting details. And you need not be a national headliner with television credits in order to attend. We want this to be an inclusive effort of all working NY comics because these are issues that affect us all, no matter what stage of our
career, and we all stand to benefit.

This is an historic opportunity to change the course of comedy in NY
and to right some of the wrongs of the past twenty years. We look forward to
your participation in this discussion.

Thank you,
Russ Meneve
Ted Alexandro

Sunday, November 7, 2004

Hi. My name is Jessica Delfino. I'd like to tell you something.
by Jessica Delfino

Well, everyone, if you're anything like me, you're less than two years away from 30 and you've stood by helplessly as plan after plan fell through your fingertips clunkily before shattering into a million bits and pieces at your foottips.

Not that I'm complaining. I like to believe that everything happens for a reason, you know? And sometimes plans get ruined for reasons. And sometimes they don't get ruined at all, but blossom into picnics and large, unexpected gifts.

I have been working for about three years in New York City as a performer and I have experienced some very intense ups and downs, as any performer in NYC surely has. But I feel like I worked extra hard. I went out almost every night (and still do) to get on stage. I'd aim for three spots a night, back when I was more depressed, but now if I do one that's satisfying enough. My peers at the comedy clubs were mostly all catty and self-righteous, judgmental and brutal in child-like ways. My own boyfriend, also a stand up comic, even would snub me. He would refuse to be seen with me at clubs!!! For a LONG time! (Until some of his idols told him they thought I was funny.)

For the first two years of doing stand-up, I mostly flailed around, telling lame jokes that weren't necessarily funny, but were at least different-ish. And sometimes, even funny. Usually sort of accidentally. About a year ago, I started playing my guitar in my act and it was like someone turned on a light switch as far as how it felt and how audiences responded. Suddenly, all the same dark jokes I was telling before that would make people cringe and treat me like I had hepatitis all of a sudden worked. Was it the music behind it? I don't know. What is the point of this all? Well, I'll tell you.

I now know what I want to do, which before, I kind of didn't. I thought maybe I wanted to just be on stage, or maybe I just wanted to swear loudly in the middle of a room into a microphone, or embarrass my parents - who knows? Now, I think I've got it. I've been giving this a lot of thought and - I realize that I am in a pretty happy state mostly, right now, and why is that? It's because I have become finacially unburdened. My boss just got a new building and he is going to let me stay there while construction is going on (the building is getting gutted) and then he is going to kick me out next year when he moves in. But it won't matter that I won't have a place to live when he kicks me out, because by then I plan to be a millionaire. So, no rent for the next few months, at least. What a load off my shoulders! I feel totally free to be able to create, because I don't have one of the huge, simple stupid stresses of the world fettering me anymore, for the time being, anyway.

I realize that money isn't the key to hapiness as so many people think it is, and it so obviously appears to solve problems, but it's the lack of the necessity of money that is the key to hapiness. Money just buys more problems.

I do plan to be a millionaire within the next few years, I'll explain more about that another time, but I only want 4 million. Why? Because I believe that I can live off the interest of that money and live comfortably for the rest of my life. I won't be buying Porsches and Jetskis, but I don't need them. I will send my sisters to college and plant some trees, stuff like that.

I just read this and it seems kind of lame, but I guess if you take anything away from this, let it be that I am happy right now. I've had a lot of readers complain that I complain too much and feel too sorry for myself, so this should make those readers feel pleased.

I sent this e-mail out a few days ago to all the press people I know. If you are a press person or if you know a press person and you want to help me in the simplest but potentially effective way that a person could help someone, please copy it and forward it to someone you know who works in the press, at a record label, at a venue, at a place that plans parties or events, or somewhere else. No matter what state or country you live in. Operation Delfino kicks it up a notch has now officially begun. Another easy way you could help would be to simply come to a show. If you enjoy it, you win, if you don't, you and your friends can make fun of me. So, either way, you win.

I realize that I have to take advantage of this time while I am unbothered financially, and I'm asking for your help.

Last night, this lady said, "You were great! You will be famous someday!" I said, "I better be, I've got a lot of debt." I wasn't lying.



As it said in the subject line, my name is Jessica Delfino, and I'd like to tell you something. (about me.) I am a filthy stand-up comedian and I also sing dirty folk rock; mostly somewhat vulgar songs that are, as Backstage put it, "hilariously ribald" - as The Onion put it, "a cross between Redd Foxx and Jewel" - and some girl also called one of my songs, "The most troubling song she'd ever heard." (Lullabye)

I have had a long and troubling life, starting with birth, and the easiest way for me to deal with the delicacies of constant dilemma and heartbreak is to write songs and jokes that are dark and perverse, glittering with a silver lining, if you will, even if that silver lining is not real silver, but maybe fake silver, or maybe even lead. It's still shiny, right?

So, with that information, I invite you if you've never seen or heard me perform before, to come to one of my following shows. I was called "the comedic discovery of June" by Comedy Central, and I also just won the Carnival Cruise Challenge (out of 75 competitors) - the prize being a paid eight day cruise where I get to perform! Imagine! Me! All perverse, Redd Fox-y, and ribald, performing on a cruise SHIP! Funny! Interesting also, as one Mr. Jeff Singer, who books an "alternative" comedy show in NYC refused to book me, citing me as "too alternative".

But, that is a bridge burning for another time, friends! On with the show information! Let's get this fire cooking with hairspray!

You might be confused as to why I'm just so boldly sending this email out to you. I'll tell you why - because I'm a guerilla performer on a guerilla mission. My main goal is to make 4 million dollars by the time I'm 32, squeeze out a fat baby or so, and write a book a year until my fingers fall off, living completely off my 4 million's interest and some of the actual dollars, too, so I can spend my days inventing strange, odd inventions, writing songs and making lots of art. The comedy clubs in NYC are the best way to get seen, but many comedy clubs won't book me because they think I'm too main stream, or not mainstream enough - I'm too alternative or too dirty, or not alternative enough - so I have to rely on odd performance spaces, 'alternative' performance spaces such as the Bowery Poetry Club or Dixon Place or The Sidewalk. They are great spaces to perform in, but don't have the clout that Caroline's or the Comedy Cellar might get.

I don't have an agent, I don't have a manager, I don't have a publicist, I don't have a trusted friend in the industry, and none of my relatives own real estate or are friends with any celebrity athletes or businessmen. I'm alone in this city, and I'm doing the best I can to not be broke and starve to death. So far, it's been an uphill battle but there are little pots of magic here and there, like getting invited to audition for the HBO Aspen Comedy Festival without even sending in a tape, though I don't perform at any of the comedy clubs, or getting invited to audition for a FUSE VJ position, though I don't have an agent or rep. Or, having Wil Wheaton link his blog to mine and call my blog "one of the funniest blogs I've ever read" though I don't know Wil Wheaton and have never met him (however, I did make out with his poster on several occasions as a budding pre-teen.)

So, what I am hoping is that if you haven't ever seen me perform, you'll come and see me, and if you like my stuff, you'll help my guerilla cause by listing interesting sounding shows that I send to you, by telling friends to come see me if you think they'd like me, by asking me some questions that I can answer in a way that comes across as effortless and hilarious on my part, and et cetera. If you hate me, feel free to write about that, too. I'm not afraid of the mean things that might come out of your mouth. I bet I can be meaner. You can't hurt me. I was abused as a child. But then, weren't we all?

Jessica Delfino
(free mp3 at site!)


TONITE!!! at the Sidewalk (6th St. & Ave A)
Dan Fishback's birthday show
7:30 Jessica Delfino
8 Rachel Schukert
8:30 Double Deuce (Toby Goodshank and sister!!!)
9:30 Jason Rabinowitz
10:30 Dan Fishback
FREE and they have good food, too.

Village Lantern (Bleecker and Sullivan)
Sat, November 6th - 9 PM to 10:30 PM
This is a sketch and stand-up show that is being put together by Diane O'Debra, one half of the smart, twisted comedic duo the O'Debra Twins. They are so funny and cute! And Diane is terrific. I'll be performing on this show. I think it's $5.

30 Mott St.
Saturday, November 13th
This show is so strange - it's run totally by asians. It's a super professional show and it is a little on the corny side, but a tight ship, they run! I will be performing. I think it's $5. It's always packed, and takes place in a cozy basement space.

Saturday, November 13th at Collective Unconscious in Tribeca 10 PM
($5 I think?)
Starring the O'Debra's, Liz Maher (hilarious and smart), Christine (bizarre character comedian - really brilliant and bright), and me. Johanna Buccola was supposed to perform on the show too, but she moved back to Washington because she hates NYC now.

Wed. November 17th, UCB Theater
Hosted by Roger Hailes
I'll be performing on this show.

So, that's it for now for November. Thanks for your help/time/pity/feelings of confusion.


Friday, November 5, 2004

by Jessica Delfino

A few years ago, I accidentally met the dude who wrote the bumper sticker "Mean People Suck." His name was Paul S. Rosa, and he also wrote the book "Idiot Letters" which was a fun book of ridiculous letters to random companies and corporations, asking questions like, "In commercials, why don't they ever show a husband and wife who are happy when they find out the pregnancy test results are negative?" and "I eat at McDonald's three times a day. Is that bad for me?"

I don't know what he's up to now because we have lost touch, but last I knew, he was living in Colorado, making a decent living off the royalties (is that what they call it in bumper sticker terminology, too?) he received from selling Mean People Suck bumper stickers at Spencer's stores all across the nation.

I was reminded of this bumper sticker today when I went to drop off a CD at the local CD duplication service I use when making mass quantities of my Dirty Folk Rock CD and the like. I've used this service several times because they are nearby, affordable, quick and friendly - the four horsemen of any good business. I even sent the company information in to the bargain issue of Backstage Magazine. Well, the last time I went to the place, some new chick was working there. She was slow, not friendly, clunky and rude - the four horsemen of unemployment. I dealt with her and hoped that was the last time I was ever to see her again, but nay! Today, she was there again when I went in. She was again, stuffy, idiotic, oblivious and rude. I am forced to assume that she is on drugs or was brutalized for most of her childhood. I always hated that stupid bumper sticker, and I certainly wouldn't have put it on my car, but the words echo through out the empty cavern of my mind when I encounter a jerk.

This leads me to believe, maybe I can benefit from this whole experience. I met the asshole, I was brought back to my memories of the bumper sticker, and also refreshed of the story that Paul told me. He said that it was actually pretty easy to sell bumper stickers to Spencer's and told me how to do it. I am going to pitch them a new line of bumper stickers, along with some fun crap inventions I've both created and pocketed over the years.

Ideas like:

Toilet paper with Osama Bin Laden and George Bush on it! Whoops, that's already been done.

I mean, a "trick" toaster that when you put bread in, it catches on fire instead, scaring the person who is supposed to be eating the toast!!! Wait, too dangerous.

How about a bowling ball that actually weighs 150 pounds! What a funny joke to see a pro-bowler pull his back out while attempting to show off in front of his teammates!

No, for reals, though, how about a real life sized Barbie Doll you can fuck? Hmmm..., seems like a guaranteed Mattel lawsuit. Is bad press always good press?

Why not a pair of glasses that if you are partially blind or visually impaired, when you look through them, you can see everything in perfect vision? Seems too easy.

I give up.

Maybe I'll just stick with buying other people's gag gifts.

Here are some bumper sticker ideas:

Mean People REALLY Suck.
Baby on. Bored.
God is my pilot light.
Don't like my driving? Call my boss and see what happens. (Hint: He won't care.)Here is his number: 917-376-9882.
MADD - Mothers Are Drunk Driving
What would Jesus do? (pronounced hay-sooce)
My other car is just as big of a piece of shit as this one.
I don't have an "other" car.
My other car is on cinder blocks.
My other car is my house.
(Wow, I'm really rollin' with these other car ones!)
I owe, I owe, so I'm off to rob a bank.
BarPigCourtdate (This is subtle - it's a take off of the fahrfeignuggit bumper stickers of old. It means, at the bar, got pulled over, court date in my future). I guess if you have to explain it...

I think that at least one of those stickers should be a big seller. Then, I'll take all the money I make from the sales and I'll purchase forgiveness of the hag at my CD rep store, and I'll buy her some hapiness. If you've learned anything from reading this, I'd like it to be that you now know who wrote the Mean People Suck sticker, or that I am amusing.

So, in the eternal words of one Mr. Jerry Springer - "Be kind to yourselves - and eachother." Or something like that.