Friday, December 31, 2010
If it's too much for you to splurge on my entire "I Wanna Be Famous" album, I've got an idea -- why not just get your hands on one of the hot singles off the CD? Sure, you've heard "Magic" and "Famous" but how about a lesser known hit that takes pop by the short and curlies and gives it the what for? Enter: "I Wish I Was An Ice Queen".
It's about something many of us can relate to, and that is wishing we could turn off feelings we have for 'the wrong one'.
Check it out HERE
Happy New Year, welcome 20 double one, and let all our bygones be bygones. It's a new year and that means it's time for new thoughts, new ideas, new dreams, new magic and new newness.
If you're still looking for something fun to do, might I suggest W & B Airlines where I'll be playing a raucous music set at 230 am? wandbnyc.com
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Sex Tips From Cosmo
If you need to get sex tips from Cosmopolitan Magazine, you are either 10 or in really bad mental shape. Perhaps you have been locked in a basement for the last decade of your life and are just now emerging, horny and ready to mingle. Reading Cosmo sex tips was kind of like listening to Lady Gaga's CD. It was severely disappointing and I think it gave me a little bit of brain damage. Why did I listen to it / read the sex tips, you ask? Because I'm curious to a fault.
OK! So some of the sex tips involved things like, "blow on his penis", "lick his penis with your tongue", and detailed instructions on how to masturbate a man with a circumsized penis. In all fairness, this was an issue from 2009 and hopefully we've all matured since then, but, who doesn't know by now that putting a man's thing-a-ma-jig in your mouth makes him happy? I decided, perhaps I should write my own sex tips column for people, because I've had sex once. So here goes. By the way, sadly, this is how I get most of my ideas - reading other people's attempts at them and thinking, "I could do better than that." It's a sad way to live, but I didn't ask to be born.
1. Do not under any circumstances put any penises into anything that grinds, chops or cuts. Most men save goth types do not like this, unless afterwards you are willing to tenderly fellate them.
2. Apparently, men love having ice or food rubbed onto their penis according to Cosmo. So might I suggest baking up a nice hot dish of Linguini with Clam Sauce and leaving it in the oven so it stays warm. Get your man to close his eyes and dump the entire square of food down his pantalones. Mush it around so it really gets in there, haul his jammies down, pull out his wang and just go to town on it, mowwing it up and down like a corn on the cob, typewriter style, not stopping until you've devoured every last morsel of pasta from his groinal area. Can anyone say, sexy time?
3. Men also love having their balls played with, according to Cosmo. How about throwing your guy through a loop and dipping his boys in a cold cup of Pepsi (or Fresca if you're watching your figure) and then suck the droplets of cool soda off of them with a straw? THEY LOVE THIS! You weren't expecting that, now were ya, Pedro?
4. They say that all men would love to have a menage a trois (that's spanish for anal sex), but what self-respecting woman really wants to share her man's dingaling with one of her trampy friends (Celeste) ? Enter: solution. Help him fuck a melon. It's as simple as that. First carve a hole out of the melon, not too big or he'll think the melon is a slut. Not too small or he'll get really insulted. Put some lipstick around the hole to make it look like lips. If you have a wig, pin it to the top of the melon. Sprouts or a skein of yarn will also do in a pinch. Next time your fella is puttin' the moves on you, tell him "Hold on, big boy - I brought company." Ask him if it's OK. As soon as he says yes, which he may do cautiously to pretend like he's not into it in case you get mad, tell him to close his eyes and just put the melon hole directly onto his melon rod, like a roll of paper towels onto a paper towel holder. He won't know what hit him. Send all thank you cards to: Jessica Delfino, c/o Catholic League, NY, NY 10019.
5. Last, but not least, this one is called the old switcherroo. If you are dating a caucasian man, you will need a brown marker, and if you are dating a brown man, you won't need to do this trick. Simply tell your guy, you've always wanted to know what it would be like to have sex with an African American man. This is going to put him off at first, because he knows that by "African American man" you mean "guy with a bigger dick than you". But it's OK, he'll calm down as soon as you tell him that tonight, you're both going to pretend to be African American. Show him your vagina area, which you've pre-colored with brown marker, and then slowly, intimately color his penis with a brown marker, never breaking eye contact. Erection of his life, guaranteed. When you are finished, have sex with him. Be sure to use a Sharpie or permanent marker for best results.
Now THERE are some sex tips for ya. I'm sick of Cosmo treating us all like we have just recently discovered this thing you call schlong. Have fun and BE SAFE. Only have sex with DOCTORS.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
2. Tell your friends about my music. Share your CDs. Send them to friends for birthdays and holidays and to soldiers in Iraq, strangers you hate, give them out to homeless people or your friends who work in entertainment. If you are a big shot, hire me to write a song for your movie or to play at your kid's bat mitzvah or to be in some TV show you're producing. I promise to be awesome.
3. If you ever see an article or piece of press about me, like it, share it through Facebook, Twitter, your blog, etc. Comment on it. Say anything at all - say there is a monkey robbing cookies out of your cabinet, I don't care. Just comment. Let the world know that people (you) are reading and paying attention when they write about me.
4. Email me and invite me to perform at shows / events that you know about. Tell me about your friends / relatives who produce / book festivals / TV shows / etc. Introduce me to them via email.
5. Donate to my PayPal in any amount - $1 or $1000. The money in my PayPal account goes directly back into my music and performing. You can do that at jess delfino at yahoo dot commmm through http://www.paypal.com/.
6. Come to my shows and bring friends.
7. Read my blog every day. Send the link to friends. "Follow" the blog. This shows bigger labels (read: people with money) that I have a following - YOU.
8. Collaborate with me - let's make a video, write a song together, try something new. This broadens the output of what we make for both of us.
9. Keep loving my dirty mouth and encouraging me -- this makes me want to write new songs for you and never stop making the world an even more deliciously twisted place.
Thank you a million.
Friday, December 24, 2010
Thursday, December 16, 2010
- Buy a digital scale that measures points like 120.8 pounds and here is the fun part: weigh yourself every few minutes to see if you’ve gained or lost any weight. Write the number down on a piece of paper and carry it with you, charting your points of pounds over the course of the day.
- Tell people you are on a diet so that people know and can refrain from sharing their chocolate and cake with you. It’s not enough to simply say, “I’m on a diet”, you have to yell it out really loudly for everyone to hear, for example, at a restaurant or Bat Mitzvah. That way people can feel insecure about not being as healthy as you and you can feel like you’re taking control of your weight.
- Drink 8 gallons of water every day. Some people say to drink 8 glasses, but these people are total wooses. Not only will you gain weight just from lifting a gallon up to your mouth all the time, but you’ll be drinking so much water your stomach will break, and it’s hard to eat with a broken stomach, and it’s hard to gain weight if you can’t eat.
- Have a red flag weight: When you do the three items above, melting off virtually hundreds of pounds in only a matter of weeks, you will love your new thin self so much that you will want to stay thin forever. That is why you have to have a red flag – a weight that you pick that will set you into diet mode high alert. What’s your red flag weight? Mine is 96 pounds.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Monday, December 13, 2010
Friday, December 10, 2010
Monday, December 6, 2010
1) Who was your favorite headliner on Lilith 2010? (Whatever you want to write)
2) Which artist would you like to see headline Lilith 2011? (What ever you want to write)
3) What other Artists would you like to see on the Lilith 2011 line-up? (JESSICA DELFINO)
4) What cities and venues should Lilith visit in 2011? (Please suggest both) (YOUR CITY)