THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHINATOWN AUTUMN

12 ladies doing laundry on their rooftops
11 homeless people in the park across the street at any given time
10 on a scale of 1 to 10 of violent smells
9 day wait to get our toilet fixed
8 bucks for a cup of coffee at the new Starbucks on Delancey
7 times the humidity of a normal summer/autumn day
6 asian teenagers hanging outside on the bottle recyclables bin
5 golden dragon, etc. restaurants and laundry mats
4 people shot in our neighborhood since we've moved in
3 different kinds of fish eye soup
2 people crammed into a tiny one bedroom apartment
and
1 dollar taco bell burritos!

LIVE FOREVER THROUGH THE MAGIC OF COMEDY

Friend and comedian/writer Larry Getlen emailed me this. If any Opie and Anthony fans are reading this, and I know they are, don't submit jokes that you stole from Jim Norton or Opie or Anthony, and don't submit any jokes at all, actually.
______________________________________

Larry Getlen here, with an opportunity for comics to have their jokes and promotional information in a book that will be available in just about every book store in the country.

I am currently writing and compiling THE COMPLETE IDIOT’S GUIDE TO JOKES. Part of the very successful Idiot’s Guide series (over 20 million copies sold), the book will be released in September 2006 through Alpha Books, an imprint of Penguin Publishing. THE COMPLETE IDIOT’S GUIDE TO JOKES will be a reference guide of over 1,500 of the world’s funniest jokes cross-referenced by category, plus advice for the lay person on how to tell a joke in any situation.

Every comic whose jokes are included in the book will, of course, be credited right next to each of their jokes. In addition, the book will include a list of every comedian whose jokes are featured, which means you get a brief bio, including, if you like, your web page address (or, if you don’t have one, your E-Mail address).

Here’s the deal.

1. The main rule for these jokes is, the shorter the better. One-liners or two- or three-line jokes are best. When in doubt, 45 or 50 words is generally a good cut-off. However, if it’s on the fence, or slightly over, send it.

2. Jokes are welcome in every topic.

3. As far as language goes, I’d say if the book was a movie, it would be mostly PG-13 with flashes of R. No NC-17 or XXX. We’re going to generally avoid curse words, but, if a joke is simply brilliant and needs the profanity, we may be able to use it. When in doubt, send it.

4. HOWEVER, as far as subject matter is concerned, this is a book geared toward adults. No topic is off limits.

5. Send as many jokes as you like.

6. I’m looking to receive submissions as soon as possible. The deadline is October 5, but if you can send it earlier, that would be great.

7. Please feel free to forward this message to all your comedian friends.

THE SUBMISSION ITSELF

Please send all submissions to me at zhet_99@yahoo.com.

When sending your submission, please include:

1. Your Name
2. Your Snail Mail address
3. Your bio (including, if desired, your web or E-Mail address) – limit 50 words
4. In the subject line, please put: “Original submission for IDIOT’S GUIDE TO JOKES”

That’s all, folks. Thanks, and I’m looking forward to seeing your submissions on or before October 5.

Job Search Self-Sabotage
by Jessica Delfino

Reply to: see below
Date: 2005-09-14, 2:17PM EDT

We have a new live show in the works and are looking for a magician/illusionist to do a 15-25 minute routine during the show. Our music is instrumental and would work best with non-spoken visual magic. So if you can do any of the following tricks please contact me:
-Rings, Hoops, Levitations (humans or objects), Doves, rabbits, sawing a lady in half (or any variation), mirrors, boxes, card florishes, (ala Jeff McBride) etc. Stage stuff.

I used to do magic as a hobby so I could help with props, and supply female assistants if needed.

Thanks and hope to hear from you.

Dear We,

Hi. I'm a magician, and so it was only a matter of time before I magically uncovered your ad on Craigslist. It wasn't hard, the information came to me in a dream, as I am magic. In the dream, your band was a flock of birds. They flew over my bed, which was floating in a river. I was rowing the bed with a rock. A record player was at the foot of my bed, and Tiny Tim was playing on it. All of a sudden, the birds shit onto the record player and it skipped. This was a sign. I looked at the record and it said, "Craigslist."

This is only some of the magic I can do. In addition to dream decipherage, I can also make napkins disappear, I can pull handerchiefs out of my ears and nose, I can guess the cards which you are holding, and I can levitate, but usually only on Tuesdays.

In your ad, you say you can provide female assistants. I'd like that. I don't need them in my act, but if you could provide them anyway, that would be good.

I am pretty sure I got the job, as I had a dream just now that I did, and you know about me and dreams. No need for me to leave my number, or for you to write back. I'll just appear when the time is right.

Sincerely,
Ned The Dude Who Knows Magic

Back To Stool

Chest pains. Sharp as fuck. 5 am. Woke me up.
Ouch! Ouch, ouch, ouch! Stop it! Stop! What the fuck?
Heart attack or super gas? Stood up. Went away. Phew.
Laid back down. Chest pains. Ouch, ouch! Stood back up.
OK again. Like this for an hour. 5:30 am, taxi to the ER.
Bf mad.

EKG. X-ray. Ouch, ouch! Ouch! Tests. Sleep. Doctor says
Gastritis. Body makes too much stomach acid. Why? Secret.
Prescription Pepcid. Industrial size bottle of Maalox.
When no one is looking, it goes into the purse.

Instructed not to eat! No! Eating helps dilute shittiness of living!
OK, can eat again. Small portions. No chocolate, booze, or pot.
Why? Is life not evil enough?

Medicine daily at noon. Eating small meals.
No tomatoes. No grapes.

Life is changed. Sucks horribly. Can't eat fave foods,
smoke fave drugs. Daily drug requirement. Life is ruined.

Enter pill regimen. No side effects. Til I eat.
Then I trip my ass off. Half hour at a time.

Maybe life isn't ruined after all.

AUDIENCE AND COMEDIANS WANTED

A live webcast is being produced at Helen Mills Theater in NYC today to raise money for the victims of Katrina, that violent bitch. If you are a comedian, come get involved. If you are a comedy fan, please watch. The website is www.enrichamerica.com. All proceeds to go the American Red Cross.

Helen Mills Theater is at 137-139 W. 26th St. in NYC.

Thanks Debbie S. for the info on this.

I saw this listing yesterday...in my mind:

Emotionally overavailable white girl with enhanced ass seeks spiritually, emotionally and mentally mature person to entertain me 24/7. Ideally, you'll be funny in a way I like, rich and handsome (and a non-smoker) with a non-history of violence or incarceration. Preferrably, you will not be running for any political office and have no plans to do so in the future. Should have a spacious place to live, because I'll be moving in. Cats OK. You may have multiple lovers if you insist, but I should warn you that I have a knife and know how to use it. Should take me on improvised mini-adventures and road trips that don't necessarily have a destination. Should have regular hair, no blonde-spiky or half-mullets allowed. Must want to impregnate me and resume half of the responsibility for whatever the result is. Must be okay with spontaneous crying spells.

Any interested parties, please send me a telepathic or holographic message.

CAN'T HELP BUT BE ALARMED

There's this loud-ass alarm that was going off all night long last night. Tonight, it's doing the same thing.

It is a high-pitched, fast, steady beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep!
It's competing for most annoying thing about my block.

MOST ANNOYING THINGS ABOUT MY BLOCK Top Competitors:

***Unplaceable smell of things dead, all the time
***Constant, spontaneous spitting by everyone
***Gangster kids who hit on me when I go to the deli (I'm afraid of them, because they look like they want to rape me, and I'm not just saying that because they're black, or because I think I'm hot, I'm saying that their facial expressions actually seem to be saying, "I want to rape you. Maybe tonight.")(I think the term I'm looking for is "menacing". Perhaps they will read this and change their menacing ways.)
***No place to park my horse
***Benches in the park covered in chewing gum and human filth
***New Starbucks going up on Delancey
***Various diseases and air-borne illnesses running rampant, I'm guessing
***Loud-ass high-pitched fast, steady beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep!
beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep!

LEAST ANNOYING THINGS ABOUT MY BLOCK Top Competitors:

***Super cheap food options, like dollar hot and sour soup, 25 cent ice cream sandwiches and 1.50 slices of good-ass damn pizza (food might not even contain parasites)
***Lots of homeless people to protect me
***Cool neighbors like Reverend Jen and her Troll Museum (located inside of her apartment), AsFour, very cute guy in 4B
***Would like to think of another non-annoying thing but can't hear my thoughts due to a continuous, ear-screeching, bad memory invoking beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep!

This block can be A-OK.

(Photo above: Some neighbors of mine)

Things Assholes Have Done To Me

Wow...I heard it through the grapevine that my songs can now be found on I-Tunes. I haven't actually seen it yet for myself, as my boss broke my computer so I can no longer install or remove any programs. He refuses to claim responsibility for breaking it, even though we both know he did. He's a millionaire, also. I'm a ten dollar-aire, on a good day.

Other things people have done wrong to me:

- A lady yelled at me at Staples the other day when I pulled out my "deli coffee cup as a leather wallet" change purse. She said, "That is disgusting. Just disgusting. Throw it out. You are too pretty to carry that." She rotated those four sentences for about the next six minutes or so.

- My mother birthed me.

- Mayor Bloomberg allows my apartment complex to have flickering hallway lights.

- Jesus hasn't come to save me, yet.

- My cute black kitty ran away from home and never came back.

- Three pounds crept back on me. That, technically is me letting myself down, but I'll blame the pounds themselves, thank you. (That puts me at 5'9", 136 lbs, or "super-hot", just in case any comment-writers are wondering.)

- And finally, my red jacket itches. Thanks a lot, cheap laborers.

I ENJOY MY TITS

Here's a timeline of my flip flaps:

I used to hate my tits so much. (I have, at one time or another, also called them shit balls of ugly and my punching nuts). When I was in grammar school, I discovered my blammos during basketball practice. I was running across the floor, and all of a sudden, I felt the fleshy udders dangling from my chest. I realized I had breasts. How do you have two boobs on your torso and you don't notice? I was 12, and I rarely showered at the time, obviously. 12 year olds don't need to shower. Their vaginas are used for storage only, still.

So, there they were. I loved them the same as any of my toys. I had an Odyssey computer at the time, and would play Pong and Dungeons and Dragons on it a lot. And I had tits. They were like bumper cars, the way I'd smash them into things. It took me awhile to realize that they protruded.

One time, a boy said my breasts were concave.

I found a dollar once, underneath a breast. In the morning, I saw the tooth I'd placed under my pillow was gone.

It's not that my ling lings are small, I don't think they are. I wrote a song when I was 21 about how small they were. Sometimes I sing it. But then people say, "You're boobs aren't THAT small." I start vomiting and call them liars.

It seems like they've actually grown a lot. They've grown and gotten better, without surgery. I don't know what happened. It's like I now have the tits I always wanted when I was 16. It seems like it would have made a bigger difference then. Like, maybe I could have been popular in high school. But now, no one cares. It seems like ALL my friends boobs are great.

Sometimes I like to look at my boobs in the mirror. I squeeze them and then quickly punch them afterwards so God doesn't get mad.