Lines to use to get what you want in life:
by Jessica Delfino

Just trust me. As you can tell by this blog, I've gotten everything there is to get out of life.

As a "holiday season" sentence endcap: "Put a big red bow on my ass and call me a present!" (This is something like a, "You don't say?" NOTE: Maleable depending on the nearest "holiday" and "season". Valentine's Day "Shoot me in the ass with a bow and arrow and call me a target", Halloween - "Put a black cat on my vagina and call me a veterinarian", you get the idea.

As a "thinker" to a film critic-type person who loves films and thinks they've seen and can decipher any movie: "Jaws was a good movie to see if you have no self-respect." Whatever he says in response, interrupt with a very passionate "No doi!"

As a "test" statement to a potential suitor: "A full-grown man howling at the moon can be attractive." Follow up with a goading, persistent, "Go on..." twelve to thirteen times. (If he does anything even resembling "howling" at anything relating to a "moon", he loses.)

As an instigatory comment to a potential enemy: "Let's say you and I go outside and I'll shove the tongue of your anus in the anus of your anus." (Part of this move is to buy you some time as your enemy stands and ponders the meaning of all this craziness. While they're busy connecting brain receptors, you can be smashing foreheads into banana cream pies or whatever people do when they get into fights.

I would know - I get into three fights a week. Mostly for the pie. And the attention from men breaking up the fights. I've met my last four ex-husbands this way.

MYTHS TO LIVE BY

Vitamin C spicy candy drops by VICKS can help you from getting a cold!

Drinking lots of water will make you rich!

Buying lottery tickets increase your odds of winning the lottery!

Singing in the shower makes you homosexual!

Jack Black for President!

Dark chocolate is low in calories, good for your heart, and adds 26 years to your life!

Brushing your teeth gets rid of gingivitis and helps you get laid!

Day jobs are for people with no imagination!

Music helps plants grow!

Watching Conan O'Brien increases your IQ!

Reading blogs makes the work week seem up to 56% shorter!

A Bedtime Poem:

I'm about to go to rest
I shall begin to get undressed
The cold crisp air is flying sharp
I hear it dance upon a tarp
But that does not deter me from
The sleep that is about to come
The sleep that shall come over me
A blanket warm and blankety
I'll lie my head on foam or feather
And think not of the chilly weather
Instead I'll think of counting sheep
And they will lead me to my sleep

Bye

ON TOOKIE WILLIAMS:



Tookie Williams was recently killed by California on Death Row. This is a topic that lots of comedians, bloggers and commenator types have been writing about and discussing now for several days. Many of you may or may not know the details of the story, but from what I understand, Tookie, purportedly a co-founder of the Crips, was incarcerated for killing four people in a robbery/murder in Los Angeles. While in jail, he had turned his life around and had contributed to society in a myriad of ways, including writing books deterring children and teens and people of all ages from getting involved in gangs, and he created a protocol to help gangs to call truces, and was otherwise trying to give back to the world to make up for what he took from it. Stanley "Tookie" Williams was murdered by the State of California a few days ago, after serving many years in jail.

People keep asking me my opinion on all of this, and even though it is a few days old, I feel as a comedian and a blogger and a person in America who reads the news, I should have a take on Tookie Williams, and so here it is:

It doesn't have any affect on me or my life in any way, what-so-ever.

MOMMY, WHAT ARE BLOGS FOR?

This post is in retaliation for a rash of imbeciles who came from Metafilter. I never asked to be posted to Metafilter. I'm just a writin' fool who likes the idea of free, unfiltered thought.

Lest ye wonder what a blog is "for", Imma breakin' it down for you, below, old school style, what a blog means to ME.

1. A blog serves as a virtual toilet bowl wherein I might take my daily written mental crap. Sometimes it's a pretty crap and I can see rainbows and messages from God in it. Sometimes it's just lumpy and useless.
2. It's cheaper and more permanent than notebooks. It will never burn in a fire. That's not necessarily a plus.
3. Blogs serve as a place for me to think out loud without getting punched in the face, at least not immediately.
4. A blog is like an exercise bike for my writing. Anyone's writing gets better with practice.
5. A blog is a place for me to be able to get attention without having to look at random, sometimes annoying faces.
6. It gives me an opportunity to try to be honest without getting yelled at for it. (Well, it was, before the comment section feature was added.)
7. It's a place for me to procrastinate from having to do actual work.
8. It's a way to inflict self-abuse from various angry strangers, if you're into that sort of thing, and apparently, I am.
9. It's a way for me to connect with Wil Wheaton.
10. It's easier than writing html, paying for a server and domain name.
11. Blogs are good for me for writing discipline, something which I sometimes lack.
12. More reasons, as equally as interesting or uninteresting, depending on how much self-hatred you posess.

So stick that in your proverbial pipe and take a puff off it, nay sayers. I never said I was a virtuoso writer. Sometimes I kid and say how hot I am or how smart I am, but truth be told, I'm just like any of you loser jerks, and just like any of you nice apples - I'm insecure at times, and much like you all, my future is full of uncertainty. Several hundred thousand wasted minutes have gone into making this blog what it is - a slightly entertaining thought trough! And that's the way I like it!

I know this one thing for sure though - I'll never, ever again work a day job! And this blog is part of the reason why. That's right - none of the dollars I earn shall go to buy Mr. John P. Corporate Anus Licker a ninth mansion. However, unlike my anonymous haters, many of whom are surely managerial cock yankers, I'll continue to get paid $500 per day to write for TV shows and famous documentarians. I know that must eat you up inside, you haters. Go make someone a photo copy!

So, should you wonder what this is or why I do it, keep in mind - I'm just biding time til death, like any and everyone else, except I'm doing it in a somewhat constructive, sometimes boring, sometimes thought-provoking way.

So go fuck yourselves, you anonymous blog leeching weenies! Get your own fame!

And if you think MY blog sucks, check THIS ONE out!

THE SECULAR VOICES OF HEAVEN'S HORIZON...

...is my holiday band that sings songs about holiday topics! They're like Christmas carols without the crappiness and cloying holiday spirit of dorky carols. They're cloying all in their own way!

Here are some of our hits:

XMAS IS ILLEGAL - discusses Christmas's breach of separation of church and state laws.
CLEAN YOUR CHIMNEY - asks folks to make the chimney tidy for Santa's descent
ASIAN SNOWMAN - tells the story of a snowman made of yellow snow.
CAN YOU TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK IS KWANZA? - inquires about the "black" holiday celebration growing in popularity.
A DIAMOND SOMEDAY - an optimistic viewpoint from a recipient of a lump of coal.
IT'S A STU-STU-STUTTERING CHRISTMAS - this song celebrates the joys of the season for one family of stutterers.

There are 12 songs on the CD, and also on the CD are the karaoke version of the tracks and a copy of lyrics so you and your family can sing your own holiday carols!

This CD is a lot of fun, and will make a terrific Christmas gift - much better than a GAP gift certificiate. You can order CDs (which are $5) by emailing me at jessdelfino@yahoo.com.

Mushy Crustmas, everyone!