I LIVE IN A MAGIC CHINESE TOWER

Chinatown is so very much old New York. There is dingy art everywhere -- graffiti, paint splotches, weird tile art. The people seem stuck in 89. Being here is like going back in time. It's a yesteryear mentality. I live in a building that is actually labeled a tower. My window overlooks Canal Street and my kingdom and my direct view goes literally straight down Ludlow Street as far as the eye can see. I'm like Rapunzel with this long flowing mane of hair. I hang it out the window every day and look for my prince to come charging up on his horse, bike, what have you. My life is a fantasy fairy tale. I tailored it to be this way. It's a really amazing life I live. I write songs and make art and spend my days playing with friends, cooking, and walking around my kingdom. I don't know how life could possibly get any better than it is right now. It just simply couldn't. Sure, I'm below the poverty level, and I've had one of those classic crummy upbringings that could have rendered me a schizo or just simply manic depressed. But I somehow managed to climb out, perhaps up the ladder of my own hair into a fantasy world which I continue to create and manifest to this day.

Who knows if I'm even actually sitting here typing this at all?

My life is very simple, though busy, and every day is better and better. I've got my set backs -- it seems I have to move house about once a year which definitely sucks. My bike gets stolen about every six months from a nice gentleman who sells it back to me for a reasonable price. I'm surrounded by dicks who want shit that I don't have to give. But I just spent the last year of my life recording a CD in a studio with a team of committed, professional, brilliant weirdos and now that CD is done. Almost every day, I got to go into a recording studio and sing and play instruments, listen back and adjust, nip and tuck, boss around a sound guy (I did it playfully and lovingly) and eat delicious home cooked ghetto beans and rice.

It's pretty amazing for me to be able to be spending my life the way I get to spend it. It's not fancy, it's not elaborate, it's certainly not perfect, but I'm doing exactly what I wanted to do. I only wish I knew who to send the thank you card to.

My CD release party is Wed., June 18th at 9 PM at Cakeshop, 152 Ludlow St. at Rivington - on the very street which my tower window overlooks.

www.cake-shop.com

TO PURCHASE MY NEW CD:

You can purchase my new CD -- "I WANNA BE FAMOUS" which has 15 choice cuts including some of my newer super hits, such as "MY PUSSY IS MAGIC" (remixed and mastered and it sounds fucking AWESOME), "DON'T RAPE ME" (The Rape Whistle Song) and "I WANNA BE FAMOUS", the Youtube video song which was featured on Youtube and Myspace and viewed nearly a million times on Youtube by sending me $12 to jessdelfino@yahoo.com via paypal.com. Later you'll be able to buy it in stores, but for now, this is the way to do it.

NAUGHTY NAUTICAL NITE & THE KARAOKE BAR AFTER-PARTY ADVENTURE

or

I AM THE COURTNEY LOVE OF COMEDY

If you didn't come to NNN #3, I'm sorry for you. It was a wild blast as usual, with lots of lovelies and lots of flesh, fun wierdness and great costumes. I didn't get plastered, I actually stayed mostly sober -- until after the show.

The last thing I remember clearly is a sausage party at my apartment. Darcy, myself, and about seven very handsome hot men were drinking a bottle of champagne, and then we all left to meet up with some of my boyfriend's friends at a karaoke bar in the East Village.

It must have been quite a scene. I had on a shirt and no pants (I was later told), a red feather boa and a pair of silver high heels. Darcy was dressed like a mermaid and carrying her 86 year old doll, Isabel, and we were surrounded by a crowd of really sexy men -- one was my 6'3" boyfriend, one was a hot asian male model, one was dressed like a pirate, one was dressed like a sailor, one was in a suit. I think there were two or three others, as well. The audience cheered us when we walked in the door because we looked so nutso. College frat girls took photos of us with their overpriced digital cameras.

After that it gets a little fuzzy. I remember meeting up with my boyfriend's three young girlfriends who for some reason were hanging out with a humongous "lug" (as one of my boyfriend's other friends referred to him as). As soon as we got there, they decided to leave. I wonder why? (They had to "feed the lug", as one of my friend's so eloquently put it).

My boyfriend whispered into my ear, "Let's get kicked out of this shit hole."

Rule #1: When I'm drunk, don't instigate me.

I will tell you the secret to getting kicked out of any NYC bar in an instant without breaking any laws or hurting any body: stand on a bar stool. For some reason it freaks every body out really badly. The management will toss your ass out onto the street in a sweet half a heart beat.

I vagueley remember standing on a bar stool in my shirt and no pants, and possibly on the actual bar, to sing the national karaoke anthem, you know the one by Journey -- "Just a small town girl!" Not a huge deal, I was just standing out of respect for the national karaoke anthem. The music was shut off instantly. The entire audience sadly groaned together and I felt kind of stupid, even through the thick layer of drunken antic energy I was sporting. My boyfriend started screaming the words acapella and everyone sung along, so they turned the music back on. He saved the day! For a minute, anyway.

Cut in my foggy memory to seven micro-nesians (as my friend referred to the asians of uncertain descent) carrying me out of the bar while I screamed full blast, kicking and yelling, "I want to sing!"

As they got me to the patio and gracefully set me down, I cussed them out, swearing, "I didn't want to hang out in your shitty karaoke bar, anyway!" As I got to the "any" in "anyway", I fell face first down a flight of cement stairs as all of my and my boyfriend's friends watched in horror. Somehow, a lone shred of dignity was left intact, a sliver in my self-preservation was still alive, though my brain was possibly in black-out mode. As I felt myself falling, my hand reached out and grabbed the banister (thank god there was one or I'd be road relish) on it's own accord and saved me from certain nose and face breakage. I scratched my knee, twisted my ankle up a bit, and got a boo boo on my finger.

The finger boo boo was small but viscious, and I was profusely bleeding from it. The Spanish and micro-nesian bouncers refused to let my boyfriend in to get me napkins, so he insulted them with some probably untrue slight regarding how much more money he makes than them. The last thing I remember at the karaoke bar was my boyfriend screaming, "Three times your salary!" at them all, while four micro-nesians held back the Spanish guy from punching his beautiful face in.

All of our friends took off in separate directions.

We laughed like Mickey and Mallory all the way to the pizza joint, and all day long the next day, as my brain hiccup repeated "feed the lug" and "micronesian" non-stop.

My boyfriend's friends are still pissed at me.

It was truly a night to remember, which I mostly don't.

Next Naughty Nautical Nite June 19th!!

WEDNESDAY, MAY 21:

W.R.A.G.

Women Rocking Are Godly
@ The Tank
279 Church St., NYC
9 PM
with Adira Amram, Mindy Raf, Shayna Ferm, Wendy Ho, Jessica Delfino and others who rock. Attendance is mandatory.

and

THURSDAY, MAY 22nd:

Naughty Nautical Nite #3: The Fleet Week Edition
@ The Slipper Room
167 Orchard St. @ Stanton
F to 2nd Ave, LES, NYC
8:30 PM doors
9 PM show
$5
with your hosts Jessica Delfino & Dame Darcy and Ben Lerman, Bex Schwartz, Jen Dziuria, Soce, Diane O'Debra, The Naughty Nautical House Band Anchor Panky, DJ Kai, Circles for Hearts, Magin Schantz, and MORE. Nautical wear encouraged and insisted! Dress up the best and win a super duper prize, and I'm not talking about a free plate of fish and chips, though that would be a fairly decent prize, unless you don't eat fish, but then you could just eat the "chips" which are what the English call fries in case you don't know. Google that shit and come to this show!

Delfino on Fox News's Red Eye -- VIDEO CLIP!!

Here I am chatting about my main man Steve King and his recent comments about how if you can't read you can't do anything but join the army. We all know that's simply not true. There are plenty of grocery store jobs and gigs holding the slow signs at construction sites out there. Those of you who know and love me may recall I'm from Maine, so that only adds to the special kindred connection that I have with Mr. King. Interestingly, I am reading his book, "On Writing" right now, and it's so good it's real good.

Let's hear what other enthralling, enlightening tidbits I have to say on the Stephen King / CNN topic. Dish, dish, dish!

DELFINO ON KING

PS -- I got to play a segment of my rape whistle song on the show!!! Repeat: I GOT TO PLAY A SEGMENT OF MY RAPE WHISTLE SONG ON THE SHOW!!!

JESSICA DELFINO TO SING "DON'T RAPE ME" ON FOX NEWS!!!

Holy shit! You read right! Correctly? Right? Both!

I am going to be singing my celebrated rape whistle ditty entitled, "Don't Rape Me" tonight during a taping of Red Eye with Greg Gutfeld (jew?) and I cizzy can't wait!!

The show will air tomorrow, Thursday at 3 AM, hence the title, Red Eye. Your eyes will hopefully be red with laughter at my hilarious hi-jinx, if not from exhaustion, if I don't fuck it up, that is.

It seems kind of inappropriate that I, Jessica Delfino, will be appearing on a Fox broadcast considering I'm probably thought of as a total lib, but I'm ready for it. I hope they're ready for ME, Jessica Delfino, the Courtney Love of comedy. Oddly though, I'd say I'm actually more of a strange concoction of liberal with conservative icing in places you wouldn't expect.

So don't forget to tune your dials to Fox News at 3 AM so you can dance to my rockin' rape classic before hitting beddy bye.

Delfino Update, May 2008, Greetings from Planet Delfino!

Well, hello, world. While you are all sleeping (or perhaps, very sadly, just waking up or having been up for the better part of an hour getting ready to go to your jobby job -- dear god I hope you're getting paid what you're worth!!) I am sitting here at this lovely Florida-based countertop, type-ity type typing away for you to read later. Maybe from said job.

What's going on in my life, you ask? Well, dear reader, thank you for asking. A lot is going on.

I have a new CD which I've been toiling over for the better part of a year, and it is almost DONE. And I can't wait. One thing I've learned working in a studio recording a CD is that I kind of hate working in a studio recording a CD. I rather prefer performing live. I mean, don't get me wrong. I can't think of a better way to spend my days than making music all day every day. But it's been a real lot of work. Like, a whole big bag of it.

I was recording for awhile at Hotbed Studio in Greenpoint but I wasn't happy with the way the CD was sounding. So I then moved to a new studio in Bushwick and started working with producer Misha Volf, who has been a real ray of sunshine in my life, and I'm putting my sassy sarcastic wit and ways on hold to really seriously insist that last sentiment is true. I've whole-heartedly enjoyed working with Misha, though he does bust my balls a little, and I recommend him to anyone who wants their CD to sound like a bajillion bucks for a mere fraction of that price. I've gotta give a shout out to Ben Lerman for recommending Misha to me. He also did some recordings for Ben Lerman and he made Ben sound like Ella Fitzgerald with a sex change. In a good way.

I'm going to be having a CD release party on June 18th at Cakeshop at 9 PM with Dame Darcy playing her sea shanties and celebrating her birthday, as well as a few other guests who I will name later. I do hope you can make it. It's gonna be awesome, and I'm not just throwing that word around lightly. When I say awesome, I fucking god damn mean it.

In other news -- I am producing a new monthly show called Naughty Nautical Nite at The Slipper Room with a little help from my friends. Dame Darcy and I host the show together and provide a slew of amazing performers singing nautical themed songs, telling nautical themed jokes and doing nautical themed things. It's ocean-a-riffic! The next show is May 22nd at 8:30 PM. It's the Fleet Week episode, so don your sailor duds and dig out your old mermaid fin, slap it on and walk, run, swim, surf, skip or skate on over. It's the most fun you can have while listening to Carribean Queen by Billy Ocean. The last show had 120 or more people in attendance and the show ROCKED raucous. It was something ELSE, I tell you.

I've been working with Make Music NY as a coordinator and it's been keeping me really busy. It's a great idea -- the concept is that there are musicians performing all over NYC, literally "in the streets" and lots of various "non-traditional" performance spaces, such as sidewalks, parks, rooftops and any where else that is out of doors. May 1st was technically the deadline to sign up but if you visit the website www.timeoutnewyork.com/makemusicny, you might still be able to register. I'll be performing my MMNY live outdoor performance in the Marble Cemetery at 2nd and 2nd -- a high tea in the cemetery with my Naughty Nautical crew. Bring your dolls and picnic blanket. Bring grandma and the kids. It's gonna be a mighty fine time. 4 - 8 PM, June 21st. Here is a photo of my friend Michael Iannantuono (Michael I for short, aka Dr. Anchovy of "The Pizzas") and I hanging out with Suzanne Vega at the French Embassy for a Make Music NY fundraiser / party last week. I look like I just broke out of the hot women's hot ward. Where I had won an award. For being hot. Just kidding. I don't look THAT hot. But if you look very closely, you can see a little nip. True story!



What else, what else!?? My mom turned 50 today, well, technically yesterday, now, on May 1st. That's why I'm in Florida. Because that's where she lives, alongside weird birds, strange reptilian hind-brain creatures, bugs with human sized heads and eyes and more ex-cons per capita than a NAMBLA convention. Congratulations, mom. Thanks for being birthed and then for birthing me, too.

The sun is rising and that means I have to go back to bed for an hour or three. Happy Friday, world!