A Poem for People and Walruses Who Aren't Sure If They Are Really In Love

Filly was a walrus, a fat and angry walrus
and Filly had a frilly little dress that he would wearus
He'd put it on and twirl about like he was in the circus
but Filly wasn't in the circus, he was an accountant
Filly crunched the numbers for the rich men in their jackets
and Filly crunched so well, those men made money by the buckets
and Filly wasn't penniless, and Filly wasn't loaded
but when it came to love, let's just say Filly was without it

Filly Filly Filly was a lonely angry walrus
He begged to heaven every day to send an angel forward
He'd wear his dress and dance around in hopes someday he could kiss
the pretty partner walrus Filly waited for with patience

Filly waited for his life for partnering to happen
but eventually Filly died lonely and forgotten
The moral of this story is that Filly was a walrus
and there was no perfected love out lusting for his touches
and sometimes even walruses are born to belong single
so if you have a good one, keep them and also be thankful

Butt, Doctor...

A good lady stuck her finger up my butt yesterday. I'm having a series of problems that seem to involve digestion, so some think it could also possibly involve my poop region. I don't mean to be so blunt, but I can't very well treat this with seriousness. After all, it involves my butt. POOP comes out of there. It is deep within that dark cavern where many jokes have been born.

She was a nice lady, and I felt sorry for her. Much like the gentleman who I had to apologize for asking him where the enemas lived, I also apologized to this pretty, friendly doctor for having to have a job where part of her responsibility is begloving a finger and then putting it in my butt. In all honesty, as far as butts go, mine probably isn't that bad. But then again, many people who have been at fault for being in a car accident claim to be great drivers.

However, I beg for your sympathy here - I do believe my butt is more magnificent than some. I wouldn't say it's the best, or the most odorless, or the least foul, but it's definitely not as bad as they come. I don't encourage anyone to put a nose to my own southern nostril and take a whiff, but you could definitely snack near my posterior and not fear a demon scent. Alas, I can't even help but be poetic. Literacy is a sign of a cleanly behind.

The kind doctor lady finger owner said my butt looked fine. Many black men over the years have stated that sentiment. I should have saved my money and simply listened to them.

LIFE UPDATE

Still alive.

Best Blog Ever!

Hi. So, the Bloggies nominations are going on, and I do believe today is the last day to nominate blogs for awards. If you are one of the blog people, please consider:

Jessy Delfino's Blog - there are several categories it could fit into, but I think I like Lifetime Achievement Award the best. It's for a long-standing blog. I believe mine qualifies! I've had this bitch cunt since 2001.

or

How To Be A Better Boyfriend (www.betterboyfriend.blogspot.com)

Sure, it got raved over on Metafilter (and then systematically shit upon) but it has it's moments, either way. Nominate that shit! Awards make people's lives more palatable.

Nominate here: http://2006.bloggies.com/

SHOW TONIGHT

I'll be at Maxwell's in Hoboken with friends Whitest Kids You Know and Milton Katz at 8 PM. Come for the comedy show, stay for the comedy show.

While I'm plugging shows, here's one coming up at R&R Bar in the meat packing district:
www.unclenats.com

CASTING CALL

I'm filming a video for my new electronic dance hit "My Pussy Is Magic". I need some fly girl dancers for the background to dance and look hot and be in the video. It will be filmed in late Jan, early Feb. Email jessdelfino@yahoo.com if you like to dance in a foolish manner. This will not be a serious video and no actual experience or talent at dancing will be necessary. I need mostly girls, but men may wear wigs and dress in drag for the video as well.

INTERNAL CLEANSING

I've never had an enema, but was considering it recently due to a string of various health problems I've been encountering. I went to a website called curezone as recommended by a friend and poured over all the various links about enemas. That website is very intense. It talks a lot about parasites and mucoid plaque, some kind of green rock lining formation which we all have encrusted into our colons due to a lifetime of McDonald's and potato chips. I read a lot of the stuff on there and it encouraged me to consider giving myself an enema. I've never douched or had an enema, but considering how shitty I feel on a daily basis, I have decided it could almost not make things worse. To make me feel better about the fact that I'm considering sticking a tube up my butt and pooping out water in an attempt to find relief, I have changed this procedure from the classless "enema" to the new and improved "butt douche" to make it seem more like something they do in cartoons and not like a serious health ordeal.

I went to Eckerd's to see what kind of butt douches they had, but I couldn't find them, so I had to ask the counter guy where the butt douches were. It was embarrassing to me to have to ask the young, almost handsome pharmacy clerk where the butt douche was, so I actually started the sentence by saying, "sorry to have to do this to you, sir." He acted like I was even crazier for acting like sticking a tube up my butt and forcing my colon to gargle wasn't something perfectly fine and normal that we should all do all the time. He pointed me in the direction of the anal mouthwash, then watched me closely as I examined each government-issued looking box. I guess he did this so I wouldn't feel uncomfortable. They all looked so sterile, like the man himself made them in a lab where they also experiment on pigs with bleach. They looked scary and I didn't trust that there wasn't bad stuff in them because as far as I am concerned, the man is satan and he wants to ass fuck us all with poison so we never shit right again and will spend more money on his pills and doctors.

(NOTE: If you think this sounds like crazy talk, consider that many women will have their uteruses removed by the time they reach middle age, as an attempt to curb fibroid tumor growths due to all the extra hormones added to meat and milk and cheese and eggs. This is only one reason to become vegan and eat organic foods - foods which have been grown in non-pesticide soil or added dangerous chemicals and hormones. If you think this all sounds crazy, go and do some research. Google that shit. Or, ask your mom and ten of her friends if they've ever had a fibroid tumor and see how many say yes. I myself am not vegan, but I no longer eat meat, have almost completely cut out eggs, cheese, milk, caffeine and sugar, and will soon be douching my butt in an attempt to cleanse any poison out of my colon. I know I won't live forever, but the years I am alive, I'd like to not spend in pain.)

The government-issued boxes made me feel so uncomfortable, I have decided to wait until I can either get a trusted friend to give me a butt douche or I have the balls to do it myself and the knowledge to make some kind of natural herb witch doctor recipe out of spices and magic. Or someday I'll spend the big bucks and have a celebrity butt doucher do it for me. I wonder who J Lo uses?

Pussy Jokes Are Heredetary!

Turns out my great grandmother was a potty-mouthed filth fountain. Thank god, because up til now I thought that there was really something very wrong with me. I thought I was some kind of dirty joke spewing freak of our family. But it turns out I'm just following in the family footsteps.

I used to get my mouthed washed out with soap on a daily basis. If only she had been alive to laugh at my jokes, she might have spared me many mouth scrubbings with the soap of the 70s day.

Here is one of my great grandmother's famous jokes:

A woman gets out of the shower and her son points to her spinach. He says, "Mommy, what's that?" She says, "That's where the Indian got me with the hatchett." So he replies, "That Indian got you right in the cunt!"

Now it's barely a dirty joke, but back in the 30s she must have been a regular Joan Rivers!

Here's an interpretive poem about this anecdote:

Pussy jokes can be hereditary
I don't even know if I'm spelling hereditary right
but that's not important.
What's important is that my great grandmother told pussy jokes.
Hallelujah! and Hurrah!
Thank you.
I needed to have some resolve with my inner voice
which dies, bending and coughing up vagina jokes
in her sleep every night
I'm no lesbian
even if I appear to be protesting too much
I just like what Mr. Universe gave me down there

Lines to use to get what you want in life:
by Jessica Delfino

Just trust me. As you can tell by this blog, I've gotten everything there is to get out of life.

As a "holiday season" sentence endcap: "Put a big red bow on my ass and call me a present!" (This is something like a, "You don't say?" NOTE: Maleable depending on the nearest "holiday" and "season". Valentine's Day "Shoot me in the ass with a bow and arrow and call me a target", Halloween - "Put a black cat on my vagina and call me a veterinarian", you get the idea.

As a "thinker" to a film critic-type person who loves films and thinks they've seen and can decipher any movie: "Jaws was a good movie to see if you have no self-respect." Whatever he says in response, interrupt with a very passionate "No doi!"

As a "test" statement to a potential suitor: "A full-grown man howling at the moon can be attractive." Follow up with a goading, persistent, "Go on..." twelve to thirteen times. (If he does anything even resembling "howling" at anything relating to a "moon", he loses.)

As an instigatory comment to a potential enemy: "Let's say you and I go outside and I'll shove the tongue of your anus in the anus of your anus." (Part of this move is to buy you some time as your enemy stands and ponders the meaning of all this craziness. While they're busy connecting brain receptors, you can be smashing foreheads into banana cream pies or whatever people do when they get into fights.

I would know - I get into three fights a week. Mostly for the pie. And the attention from men breaking up the fights. I've met my last four ex-husbands this way.

MYTHS TO LIVE BY

Vitamin C spicy candy drops by VICKS can help you from getting a cold!

Drinking lots of water will make you rich!

Buying lottery tickets increase your odds of winning the lottery!

Singing in the shower makes you homosexual!

Jack Black for President!

Dark chocolate is low in calories, good for your heart, and adds 26 years to your life!

Brushing your teeth gets rid of gingivitis and helps you get laid!

Day jobs are for people with no imagination!

Music helps plants grow!

Watching Conan O'Brien increases your IQ!

Reading blogs makes the work week seem up to 56% shorter!

A Bedtime Poem:

I'm about to go to rest
I shall begin to get undressed
The cold crisp air is flying sharp
I hear it dance upon a tarp
But that does not deter me from
The sleep that is about to come
The sleep that shall come over me
A blanket warm and blankety
I'll lie my head on foam or feather
And think not of the chilly weather
Instead I'll think of counting sheep
And they will lead me to my sleep

Bye

ON TOOKIE WILLIAMS:



Tookie Williams was recently killed by California on Death Row. This is a topic that lots of comedians, bloggers and commenator types have been writing about and discussing now for several days. Many of you may or may not know the details of the story, but from what I understand, Tookie, purportedly a co-founder of the Crips, was incarcerated for killing four people in a robbery/murder in Los Angeles. While in jail, he had turned his life around and had contributed to society in a myriad of ways, including writing books deterring children and teens and people of all ages from getting involved in gangs, and he created a protocol to help gangs to call truces, and was otherwise trying to give back to the world to make up for what he took from it. Stanley "Tookie" Williams was murdered by the State of California a few days ago, after serving many years in jail.

People keep asking me my opinion on all of this, and even though it is a few days old, I feel as a comedian and a blogger and a person in America who reads the news, I should have a take on Tookie Williams, and so here it is:

It doesn't have any affect on me or my life in any way, what-so-ever.

MOMMY, WHAT ARE BLOGS FOR?

This post is in retaliation for a rash of imbeciles who came from Metafilter. I never asked to be posted to Metafilter. I'm just a writin' fool who likes the idea of free, unfiltered thought.

Lest ye wonder what a blog is "for", Imma breakin' it down for you, below, old school style, what a blog means to ME.

1. A blog serves as a virtual toilet bowl wherein I might take my daily written mental crap. Sometimes it's a pretty crap and I can see rainbows and messages from God in it. Sometimes it's just lumpy and useless.
2. It's cheaper and more permanent than notebooks. It will never burn in a fire. That's not necessarily a plus.
3. Blogs serve as a place for me to think out loud without getting punched in the face, at least not immediately.
4. A blog is like an exercise bike for my writing. Anyone's writing gets better with practice.
5. A blog is a place for me to be able to get attention without having to look at random, sometimes annoying faces.
6. It gives me an opportunity to try to be honest without getting yelled at for it. (Well, it was, before the comment section feature was added.)
7. It's a place for me to procrastinate from having to do actual work.
8. It's a way to inflict self-abuse from various angry strangers, if you're into that sort of thing, and apparently, I am.
9. It's a way for me to connect with Wil Wheaton.
10. It's easier than writing html, paying for a server and domain name.
11. Blogs are good for me for writing discipline, something which I sometimes lack.
12. More reasons, as equally as interesting or uninteresting, depending on how much self-hatred you posess.

So stick that in your proverbial pipe and take a puff off it, nay sayers. I never said I was a virtuoso writer. Sometimes I kid and say how hot I am or how smart I am, but truth be told, I'm just like any of you loser jerks, and just like any of you nice apples - I'm insecure at times, and much like you all, my future is full of uncertainty. Several hundred thousand wasted minutes have gone into making this blog what it is - a slightly entertaining thought trough! And that's the way I like it!

I know this one thing for sure though - I'll never, ever again work a day job! And this blog is part of the reason why. That's right - none of the dollars I earn shall go to buy Mr. John P. Corporate Anus Licker a ninth mansion. However, unlike my anonymous haters, many of whom are surely managerial cock yankers, I'll continue to get paid $500 per day to write for TV shows and famous documentarians. I know that must eat you up inside, you haters. Go make someone a photo copy!

So, should you wonder what this is or why I do it, keep in mind - I'm just biding time til death, like any and everyone else, except I'm doing it in a somewhat constructive, sometimes boring, sometimes thought-provoking way.

So go fuck yourselves, you anonymous blog leeching weenies! Get your own fame!

And if you think MY blog sucks, check THIS ONE out!

THE SECULAR VOICES OF HEAVEN'S HORIZON...

...is my holiday band that sings songs about holiday topics! They're like Christmas carols without the crappiness and cloying holiday spirit of dorky carols. They're cloying all in their own way!

Here are some of our hits:

XMAS IS ILLEGAL - discusses Christmas's breach of separation of church and state laws.
CLEAN YOUR CHIMNEY - asks folks to make the chimney tidy for Santa's descent
ASIAN SNOWMAN - tells the story of a snowman made of yellow snow.
CAN YOU TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK IS KWANZA? - inquires about the "black" holiday celebration growing in popularity.
A DIAMOND SOMEDAY - an optimistic viewpoint from a recipient of a lump of coal.
IT'S A STU-STU-STUTTERING CHRISTMAS - this song celebrates the joys of the season for one family of stutterers.

There are 12 songs on the CD, and also on the CD are the karaoke version of the tracks and a copy of lyrics so you and your family can sing your own holiday carols!

This CD is a lot of fun, and will make a terrific Christmas gift - much better than a GAP gift certificiate. You can order CDs (which are $5) by emailing me at jessdelfino@yahoo.com.

Mushy Crustmas, everyone!

I SHOULD HAVE BEEN A MODEL

I finally got comments working on my blog again! Or more accurately, a friend of mine finally got comments working on my blog again...but if no one minds, I'll just take the credit myself.

I bet the people who used to write really mean comments on my blog all the time have been going out of their MINDS! What did you meanies do during that time? Did you write mean things on other people's blogs? Did you get OTHER, NEW hobbies? What did you DO with yourselves??? I bet it drove you CRAZY to just have to simply read and ENJOY the awesome writing on this blog without being able to HATE on me! But it's all fixed now! And tis the season to be assholes, so insult away!

And by the way, I don't necessarily mind getting negative feed back, but I'd especially enjoy it if it were accurate, and not just a shameless pack of lies! For example, everyone knows my butt is bootylicious and like an ice cream sunday of pure sunshine.

So..., I was talking to my boyfriend the other day, and he said, "What's the first thing you'd do if you had a penis?" And I said, "That's easy. I'd pee on the walls!"

(That's something vaginas can't do...or not easily, anyway.)

WHAT IS IN A DUNKIN DONUT?

Has anyone ever wondered? I found the recipe in a great book called, "How To Make The Country Obese and Dead, Especially The Poor Ones." Here is a list of ingredients in a Dunkin Donut:

Flour (made out of bleach and bug spray)
Chocolate colored paint
Diesel fuel
Sprinkles (plastic)
Jelly (cow ooze, FD & C Red)
Blood money
and
Powdered Sugar

Mmmmmmmm!

I'll take a baker's dozen - that's 230!

JOKES ABOUT DONUTS

Why did the donut cross the road?
Because it was tempted by the kid in the kidnapper's van.

Why is there no such thing as a fat free donut?
There's no such thing as a free anything.

How many donuts does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
2: One to hold the lightbulb and one to taunt someone to come over and screw in the light bulb.

I did it! I had a goal today of writing three donut jokes and I wrote them! I wrote it! I did it! I wrote them and it and did it and them! I did it!

REVIEW OF THE DAN DEACON SHOW AT CAKE SHOP LAST NIGHT:

Awesome. Great. Dan Deacon is a magical speaker with a gift for run-on abstract thinking and talking, and a talent for maneuvering miscellaneous electronic gadgets and buttons. His songs are like small parties for retarded kids, with good beats. Also, a shout out to Ecstatic Sunshine, the opening act before him which consisted of two dudes on guitars. They were like The Allman Brothers, if the Allman Brothers were experimentive and chaotic, and one of them were Asian.

ALL ABOUT THANKSGIVING.
by Jessica Delfino

THE FOOD I PLAN TO EAT ON THANKSGIVING (a partial list):

400 lbs. stuffed mushrooms (stuffed with candy, lemonade and unicorns)
12 jelly donut turkey sandwiches (on homemade poisoned bread)
a hundred handfulls of marshmellows with orange colored somethings that resemble potatos or turnips dip
83 bread crumbs on top of gravy made of the knees of little boys and puppies
35 answers to questions that we will never be able to answer
29 smurf topped sunday salads
16 dashy doodles (a snack that they only make in Europe by doctor's prescription)

THE FILMS I PLAN TO WATCH ON THANKSGIVING (promise):

People On Mars Are Coming To Your House To Attack You!
The Revenge Of The Nerds On Thanksgiving, Part V
Monsters Live In A Scary Place And Want To Eat All Your Leftovers
Magic Dwarves & Flying Castle Places
I Love You, No I Don't!
and finally...
The Movie These Bad People Don't Want You To Ever, Ever See, The Movie!

THE PEOPLE I PLAN TO HUG AND KISS ON THANKSGIVING (in order):

Stranger man #5, saw him once somewhere twice
Chubby but pretty girl 14, hates me but on Thanksgiving (just for Thanksgiving) we will be friends
Boyfriend #9
Unrelated jack ass
Best friend, and best friend and other best friend, and bester friend
Someone I hate! I hate them! But it's Thanksgiving, like with chubby but pretty girl!
Xanax giving out person (but I don't want any Xanax! Just one!)
Comedy Club owning guy who shows up for some reason, I hate you! I hate you! But I will hug you to show thanks for all this delicious food!
Fake Turkey mound

THE PLACES I PLAN TO GO ON THANKSGIVING (and how many times I plan to go to them):

The bathroom, seventeen times
The hallway closet, 9 times
All of the finest dance clubs in town, 1 time each
Chinese Church, once only (to show thanks)

HOW I WILL SHOW MY THANKS:

With a sweater
Under a dark light
In a cup of tea
Without any problems caused by food allergies
By throwing a TV out of the balcony door and down, down onto the ground below my deck
By crying and then wiping all my tears away while looking upwards to God

WHAT I AM THANKFUL FOR:

Keys to jail
Herbal remedies
Cellphones
Penises
Computer programs
Stamps
Guitars
Sisters and Moms and Lovers and Love
Nice places full of people that love me and eachother and heaven
Cars (I wish they ran on kisses!)
Good Food
Soft smily skin
Sleeping through the news
Pens
Colors
Magical, mythical horses

BACK FROM MY TREACHEROUS, HARROWING JOURNEY!

Did you miss me? Anyone? Hello? (Hello? Hello?) Is there anybody in there?

I am back from being on tour with Lisa Suckdog and what a whirlwind adventure it was! I've summarized it into a poem to keep from having to write paragraph after paragraph recounting fascinating detail after scintillating detail of the whole ding dang ordeal.

LISA SUCKDOG TOUR, CONDENSED, IN POEM FORM
by Jessica Delfino

LA was smelly - I sold 10 cds
The satanists came and some girl attacked Lisa
My old ex bf Brian stopped by the show
we slept at a cool chick named Val's on the floor

SF was happy - we showed up just in time
some fucked up audience chick sang a song about Lisa's behind
The satanists showed up with a vial of their poopy
I busked on the street and I was recognized

Portland was smoky - I damn divad out
asked those yuppies to put their damn cigarettes out
I pissed on the pizza and some chick joined in
Then went to the party of a gay lesbian

Seattle was cozy - an intimate show
The Trachtenburgs came and brought joy to my day
Nothing much happened at that show of note
that night at a guy named Christofurry's I stayed

The tour was successful - the ride home did blow
drove home in a car, it took four full long days
had to stop due to blizzards and some tornados
first thing I heard back in NY was the sirens ablaze

I'm working on a tour diary journal project with accompanying tape, not a ding dang CD. I'm very excited about this project. I kept a detailed, silly journal and kept little mementos within it which I will transcribe and publish. The tape will have songs from the CDs and tapes we listened to and also some recorded dialog, specifically a conversation with Dame Darcy about the Apocalypse and a hilarious story she recounted about the time she stole her ex-boyfriend's car called "The Tale of the Squirrely Jack Rabbit and the Retarded Buffalo."

You can reserve a copy by emailing me at jessdelfino@yahoo.com. They will cost $7.

THIS POST WAS ON CRAIGSLIST REGARDING CXB:

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/rnr/110544374.html

Show your love! Show up in court on Monday, Nov. 14th at 9 AM, 100 Centre St. Part B.
You don't have to say anything, it just shows the oblivious and blaze courts that CXB has friends and supporters. Ron Kuby will be representing him.

I wish I could be there, I'm in Portland, OR on tour right now. Hmmm...on second thought, maybe I'd actually rather be here.

SHOW TONIGHT IN LA...

...begins at 9 PM at Il Corral. Lisa Suckdog's birthday was yesterday, so bring her presents and be ready to celebrate...

Here's my lousy birthday poem to Lisa:

Lisa
I just met ya
But already I'm infatuated a bit
I bet you get that a lot
from boys girls and pets
Maybe even inanimate objects
Do trees hug you? Cars? Tables? Fences?
If not, it's only because they have no arms and are like, asleep to the world or something.

But don't be fooled - they too are captive to your charms.

Write and bring your own!

WEST COAST TOUR DETAILS

That's right, Delfino's coming to a venue on the west coast near you with Lisa "Suckdog" Crystal Carver, Dame Darcy and friends. Don't miss this show, it's awesome.

Here is as much info as I have:

Nov 10
il Corral
662 N. Heliotrope Ave., Hollywood, CA
9 PM

Nov 11
7:30PM
Modern Times
888 Valencia Street, San Francisco, CA
415-282-9246

Nov 12
Dunes
1909 NE M L King Blvd, Portland, OR
503-493-8637

Nov 13
7PM
Confounded Books
315 E. Pine St., Seattle, WA
206-441-9880

Hope to see someone there who I know, or someone who I don't know who wants to give me love and good vibes. My quota is full for hate and bad vibes. Try back when things are happy again to help reset the eternal balance in the cosmos.

Do You Like Free Speech?
The TRUE account of CXB's arrest
by Jessica Delfino

I would like to begin by saying I don't necessarily agree with Christopher's tactics or appreciate his delivery. I've told him before that his delivery stinks. But I don't think he should be brutalized, slandered by the press or have his constitutional rights violated. I also feel this way about every other human being out there. It just so happens I'm invested in this one, and that is part of why this is being written on my blog. I also wrote similar essays about other friends who's rights were violated, such Erzsi Pongo, a very kind and sensitive woman who was chained to a fence for several hours by the police when she was arrested at 2:30 am on the subway for not having any ID. With that being said, I'll begin with my account:

As all good activists have been prior to him, Christopher X. Brodeur, aka CXB was arrested Wed, Nov. 2nd with harrassment A and B charges. The specifics involve him calling a journalist and saying "I could stab you in the face and I'd be a hero like Bernie Goetz". The journalist, named Ben Smith of the Observer, had instigated Christopher by erasing comments he'd written on his blog to later call or email Christopher with approving and accepting comments, and letting him post other comments. In Christopher's opinion, Mr. Smith had been 'covering up lies regarding crimes committed by the Bloomberg administration that resulted in the victimizatin of hundreds of innocent New Yorkers.' CXB also said, I'd never do that, this is not a threat and I have no intention of ever harming you. But they didn't write that in the newspapers. With a quote taken out of context, you could arrest anyone. CXB argues that you could arrest Eric Clapton for saying "I shot the sherrif" because he admitted to shooting a police officer, if you wanted to. CXB and Ben Smith know eachother and have even had a friendly repoire on and off over the summer. Ben kept removing Christopher's ability to comment on his blog, The Politicker, just to give it back a few days later. He'd also edit or delete choice comments which Christopher had written regarding various crimes committed by various politicians, such as Bloomberg arresting protesters during the RNC.

CXB was arrested at his home on Wed Nov. 2nd, after surrendering himself to the police. Police put cuffs on very tight and threw away his lawyer's phone number. CXB went in front of a judge for arraignment on Thursday. The Judge, Patricia Nunez, ordered him to have a 730 remand (fancy speak for psychiatric evaluation) though it was recommended CXB let be released on his own recognisance. CXB got a bail application for the next day after I pleaded with the lawyer to file it. This brought him in front of a second, different judge who would listen and re-consider bail. The second judge said the 730 remand would stay and CXB was held without bail.

According to the law, CXB "doesn't have a lawyer" though he was given a public defender, named Jess Berkowitz. His lawyer didn't return any of his calls over the summer, and his lawyer hasn't visited him in jail. According to research and advice, these things constitute not having a lawyer. So, technically, he was sent to 730 remand without a lawyer. In court, Jess suggested to myself and my friends that we encourage Christopher to pretend to be crazy so the charges will be dropped, which I thoguth was simply unethical, and my opinion was seconded in a conversation with Norman Siegel.

In holding before the trial, CXB was brutalized by police and denied medical attention. I visited him yesterday and saw that his wrists were black and blue, bruised and cut from the tightness of the handcuffs. He said they slammed him into many walls, etc. He thinks he has nerve damage in one hand.

Some points that have come up ni discussions with various lawyers and friends are that the 730 remand or psychiatric evaluation is generally something the defense asks for to get clients off, as in, "My client is too crazy to be held responsible for these crimes." In this case, prosecution asked for a 730 remand, even though CXB has already had a 730 evaluation during a prior arrest (interestingly, just a few days before the Giuliani election - and now, again, just a few days before the Bloomberg election). One can't help but to find that coincidence too coincidential to be a coincidence. The DA even told me that he was pretty sure Christopher would be found fit to stand trial. Everyone knows he will be found fit to stand trial. In addition, most VIOLENT criminals aren't asked to have a 730 remand. CXB has never broken an order of protection or been charged with any violence-related crimes. Many believe this was a means to circumvent due process, and to keep him in jail til at least after the election.

As I mentioned earlier, CXB was already hit with a 730 remand when he was held without bail during the Giuliani election. Coincidence - CXB was taken into custody a week before election to hold him in until a few days after the election on two separate elections? Chris was going to do a huge protest in front of the Observer exposing media and government lies. It was scheduled for just before the election. There is a huge stack of fliers on his desk for this protest as I write this.

The DA, named Duncan Levin (212-335-9302) told the judge at the bail application hearing and said CXB refused to come out of his apt. for three days and resisted arrest. This is not true. He surrendered himself. We have it recorded on video tape. The cops first showed up on Halloween without a search warrant, so he refused to open the door. At 6 pm, the detectives went home at the end of their shift, though they said "We'll be waiting out here ALL night!" It was odd, then, that they weren't around when CXB left to go perform. The detectives knew where he'd be. They even left a note on my bike saying they'd be at the show they thought he was to perform in ("We love the band The Howl! See you later at the Bowery! This was the wrong band and the wrong show, which I thought was funny since they are detectives...) But then a detective called me an hour later on my cellphone to say, "I hear this great band called Haunted Pussy is playing at Irving Plaza tonight. We'll see you there! (The band CXB plays guitar for, Haunted Pussy, opened up for Fisher Spooner at Irving Plaza on Halloween). The detectives never showed up.

The DA, Duncan Levin, also told the judge CXB threatened a 9 month old baby of another journalist. This is simply not true. Christopher did no such thing. I heard the phone calls, and though I wish they had not been made and often disagree with his tactics, I didn't hear anything that constituted as a threat to an infant. The journalist in question here is Maggie Haberman and the infant is her newborn child. He was insinuating that by covering up crimes, she is allowing for her child to be exposed to the same kind of victimization that thousands of New Yorkers are going through on a daily basis.

Duncan Levin should give Christopher a fair fight in court. He doesn't need to say things that are not true if he really believes Christopher is guilty. You can reach him in his office at 212-335-9302 if you would like to tell him this yourself.

I had cash for bail and was there two days in a row waiting to bail him out, but he got the fake 730 remand instead. He's been in jail for 3 days and hasn't even seen a psychiatrist yet. They can do an evaluation asap, but they're putting it off. His lawyer will not return his or my calls or visit him in jail.

Even if you disagree with CXB or dislike him, please don't believe things that are written about him, just because they are written in the paper.

Christopher told me of several people who are being held in the Tombs on violations!! That is less than a misdemeanor crimes!!! That is like this: Imagine going to your parking meter, seeing it's one minute over, and the next thing you know, you are in handcuffs and being taken to jail. He said one man, not from this country, was walking through a playground. Next thing he knew, he was surrounded by 7 cops and being taken to jail, because it is now a law that you can not be in a playground unless you are accompanying a child. What is happening in this country?

Christopher's Book and Case # is: 3490517731. He is currently being held in the tombs. He needs a good lawyer, one who will return his calls and my calls, and one who believes in our constitutional rights. Unfortunately, his lawyer is an 18B lawyer. He's required to do a certain amount of pro bono cases a year, and is only getting paid $10 per hour to represent Christopher. He is probably also busy with other cases and in addition, he might not be sympathetic to or familiar with civil rights, activism or free speech cases.

Christopher is still running on the ballot. Read his 100 Innovations for NYC, which include making it illegal for politicians to lie (like plumbers, carpenters and construction workers, if they promise to fix something and then they don't fix it, they don't get paid.) He also wants to make the subways free, paying for them with the hundreds of other taxes we pay on a daily basis, from buying groceries and snacks to feeding the meters.

If you have any questions or know a good private criminal defense lawyer, please email me at jessdelfino@yahoo.com.

And don't forget to vote on Nov. 9th. Christopher X. Brodeur is still running as a write-in candidate. So, write him in. If you vote for Bloomberg, you are voting for protesters getting arrested at the RNC, you're voting for activists and mayoral candidates being silenced illegally, you're voting for rich people to get richer and poor people to get poorer. You're voting for people getting arrested for going the playground. You're voting for Snapple as the official drink of NYC. You're voting for the status quo. If you want to protest without having to carry signs or wear pachouli, just vote for CXB on Nov. 9th. Write his name on the line. Christopher X. Brodeur. No, he won't win, but voting for CXB is another way of voting for "None of the Above". If you refuse to write in Christopher, write someone else in. Write in your boyfriend, or write in None Of The Above, or write in your friend, or your cat, or yourself. Why don't we have that option on the ballot to begin with?

IF YOU WANT TO HELP BUT DON'T KNOW HOW:

CXB should be in court on Nov. 13th or 14th if you'd like to be there to cheer him on (silently). He'll be at 100 Centre St. You can find court information by calling 646-386-4505 and giving them CXB's book and case # - "3490517731" and asking them when CXB will be going in front of a judge. You can donate money to his lawyer fund on his website at www.mayorbrodeur.org. If you have a friend involved in criminal law or politics who you think might help, you can email me with information. If you have a tv show or radio show, you can tell people to vote for Christopher X. Brodeur or announce his website address, which is www.mayorbrodeur.org. You can tell your friends about this or forward them this link. You can get fliers from me to hand out at your school or shows or workplace or to put in bookstores. You can read his 100 Innovations for NYC and learn more details about this story.

Thank you for your support. Christopher is a mayoral candidate who got 17,000 votes in the primary in Sept. 2005 (running as a democrat) and he also beat Gifford Miller in the Bronx. What makes this special is that Gifford Miller's budget was 5 million bucks, CXB's was $150.

Imagine if he was in charge of the city's budget.

The most important thing we have are our rights. Exercise your rights. Speak out and do your part to stop activists from being jailed and held without bail. Educate yourselves. Don't become sedate and distracted by your Ipods and jobs.

At Age 29, if you are me -

You develop strange, unannounced esophageal ailments that cause you to lose upwards of 20 pounds. (The weight, not the form of currency)

You wonder if there's a way to simultaneously live in N.Y. and Sweden.

You start to think there are no good men out there at all.

You feel a sudden, psychic, mysterious connection with everyone and everything around you - enemies, illnesses and poverty included, because what else would explain the shittiness of life?

You ponder the meaning of the word "crazy" for real, real.

You desire pound cake by the loaf.

You start sewing for no good reason.

You cut your own hair and don't even give a fucking fucking shit, god fucking dammit!
It's hair and it will grow back.

You buy necessities at the dollar store so you can save up for a medical procedure that your insurance won't cover.

You are criticized by people who wish they could fuck you or be you.

You are forced to quit drinking alcohol and smoking pot, two of the few things that brought some relief into your chaotic existence.

You start to achieve something that was thought to be impossible - like making a living writing songs about vaginas.

You degenerate a tiny, but important and key bit.

SOME PEOPLE HAVE A GOOD SENSE OF HUMOR, EVEN IN DEATH...

Don't cry for her, Argentina - she jumped ship instead of opting for front row seats to the Apocalypse. I wouldn't be surprised if suicide rates increase all over the world in the next 7 years. (2012 is supposed to be a peak year for turmoil, according to the bible and various "angels of death" approaching people in their dreams.)

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FREDERICA, Del. — The apparent suicide of a 42-year-old woman found hanging from a tree went unreported for hours because passers-by thought the body was a Halloween decoration, authorities said yesterday.

The body had hung across the street from homes on a busy road since late Tuesday or early Wednesday, state police said. Suspended about 15 feet above the ground, it was visible to passing vehicles.

State police and neighbors said people noticed the body at breakfast time Wednesday, but dismissed it as a prank. Authorities were finally called three hours later.

"They thought it was a Halloween decoration," Mayor William Glanden's wife, Fay, told The News Journal of Wilmington. "It looked like something somebody would have rigged up."