ALL YOU CAN TAKE - This Sunday
I'm going to Connecticut to do a show and will not be hosting my show this Sunday. Please see Dan, who will be hosting and arranging the line-up, if you're interested in performing at my weekly, always free semi-booked open mic at Apocalypse Lounge, E. 3rd bt. aves A and B,
7 pm - 9 pm.
After my show, Neil Medlyn will be hosting his own show at Apocalypse. He's a terrific performer, and if you've never seen him, get your ass over there around 8:50, get a good seat and get ready for his unique brand of odd fun. I love him...but not with my vagina. He's funny and subversive, smart and strange. Check it out, you all!
Next week, I'll be doing the Heckler's Ball at ALL YOU CAN TAKE, which I'll describe in more detail soon. If you'd like to perform on the Heckler's Ball ALL YOU CAN TAKE show, please e-mail me. There will be prizes, awards, etc., and tons of no-holds-barred heckling. How much can you TAKE?
Saturday, February 19, 2005
Monday, February 14, 2005
ELK BOY SINGS THE BLUES
Uh, oh - I have a feeling this is going to be the next huge book series, a la Harry Potter:
It's a blog written from the perspective of a boy who was raised by Elk. It's funny, cute,
and skewers dumb things humans do.
Check it out here: www.elkboy.blogspot.com
My friend Marc Hartzmann, who used to write a terrific zine called "Backwash" for several years (which I contributed to often) is the writer of said Elk Boy blog. He got married not too long ago, moved to New Rochelle (out of this shit hole) and is expecting a baby soon. Congrats, dude. If it's a girl, please name her "Palm Frond" and if it's a boy, please name him "Peter Palm Frond".
Palm Frond is my new favorite word. I am going to use it for a lot of different things now, like, if I drop and break something, or hurt my shin, I'm going to from now on, say, "God Palm Frond dammit!"
And, if I am in a hot moment with a boy, I'm going to be like, "You wanna Palm Frond?"
And if I get hungry, I'm going to say from now on, "Boy, I sure am Palm Frond."
And if I have something really important that I can't forget, I'm going to make sure I jot it down in my Palm Frond Pilot.
I think that word has become popular thanks to the tsunami, because this week I've heard four different people say "palm frond". See? Good things can come out of disasters. Now, I know a new word. It's too bad that so many people had to suffer so I could learn a new word.
I'd rather have just looked it up.
Uh, oh - I have a feeling this is going to be the next huge book series, a la Harry Potter:
It's a blog written from the perspective of a boy who was raised by Elk. It's funny, cute,
and skewers dumb things humans do.
Check it out here: www.elkboy.blogspot.com
My friend Marc Hartzmann, who used to write a terrific zine called "Backwash" for several years (which I contributed to often) is the writer of said Elk Boy blog. He got married not too long ago, moved to New Rochelle (out of this shit hole) and is expecting a baby soon. Congrats, dude. If it's a girl, please name her "Palm Frond" and if it's a boy, please name him "Peter Palm Frond".
Palm Frond is my new favorite word. I am going to use it for a lot of different things now, like, if I drop and break something, or hurt my shin, I'm going to from now on, say, "God Palm Frond dammit!"
And, if I am in a hot moment with a boy, I'm going to be like, "You wanna Palm Frond?"
And if I get hungry, I'm going to say from now on, "Boy, I sure am Palm Frond."
And if I have something really important that I can't forget, I'm going to make sure I jot it down in my Palm Frond Pilot.
I think that word has become popular thanks to the tsunami, because this week I've heard four different people say "palm frond". See? Good things can come out of disasters. Now, I know a new word. It's too bad that so many people had to suffer so I could learn a new word.
I'd rather have just looked it up.
OBLIGATORY VALENTINE'S DAY ENTRY - PLUS!
This Valentine's Day, start a tradition and continue it for the rest of your life. MAKE something for your sweetie. Make them a card, write them a love letter, cook them dinner, take them to a special place and make something special happen there, make them a mix-tape (AND cd), anything. Something. Use your hands, put your brain to work, find that one, lone, creative amoeba hiding out among the multitude of other, uncreative amoeba and put it to task. What can you do? What can you make? Think, dammit! What?
People used to make stuff for people all the time. People still do. My boyfriend in high school made me a desk for Valentine's Day. I still have it. I wouldn't trade that raggedy old desk for all the Gucci purses in the world.
You might argue that someone had to make the first Gucci purse. Shut up, quit making excuses and dig up some markers.
Last night at ALL YOU CAN TAKE, I brought art supplies and forced everyone to make home-made Valentine's for lovers or a stranger in the room. The result was awesome - everyone made Valentines for ME! And some of them are really beautiful. I feel like a princess this Valentine's Day, and it's not because of Hallmark or Whitman's, or Gucci.
SHOW N TELL open mic TONIGHT
10 pm sign up - Show starts very shortly thereafter
$3
Bowery Poetry Club (just north of Houston)
Where else can you perform in front of 60 people who actually give a shit what you're doing on stage? Where else can you watch 60 people perform on stage who are actually interesting, unique and talented? Maybe they aren't all winners, but a lot of them are really great performers. It's my version of TV.
Happy Valentine's Day. Don't get VD on VD. (How embarrassing that'd be...)
END NOTE: Did anyone hear about the kid who had his I-POD stolen at knifepoint and was instead given an older musical device? AWESOME! The world's getting FIGHT CLUB on our asses! Join, or be forced to at knifepoint! Come on, kids - let's fire up this revolution. And it doesn't have to run on fossil fuel.
This Valentine's Day, start a tradition and continue it for the rest of your life. MAKE something for your sweetie. Make them a card, write them a love letter, cook them dinner, take them to a special place and make something special happen there, make them a mix-tape (AND cd), anything. Something. Use your hands, put your brain to work, find that one, lone, creative amoeba hiding out among the multitude of other, uncreative amoeba and put it to task. What can you do? What can you make? Think, dammit! What?
People used to make stuff for people all the time. People still do. My boyfriend in high school made me a desk for Valentine's Day. I still have it. I wouldn't trade that raggedy old desk for all the Gucci purses in the world.
You might argue that someone had to make the first Gucci purse. Shut up, quit making excuses and dig up some markers.
Last night at ALL YOU CAN TAKE, I brought art supplies and forced everyone to make home-made Valentine's for lovers or a stranger in the room. The result was awesome - everyone made Valentines for ME! And some of them are really beautiful. I feel like a princess this Valentine's Day, and it's not because of Hallmark or Whitman's, or Gucci.
SHOW N TELL open mic TONIGHT
10 pm sign up - Show starts very shortly thereafter
$3
Bowery Poetry Club (just north of Houston)
Where else can you perform in front of 60 people who actually give a shit what you're doing on stage? Where else can you watch 60 people perform on stage who are actually interesting, unique and talented? Maybe they aren't all winners, but a lot of them are really great performers. It's my version of TV.
Happy Valentine's Day. Don't get VD on VD. (How embarrassing that'd be...)
END NOTE: Did anyone hear about the kid who had his I-POD stolen at knifepoint and was instead given an older musical device? AWESOME! The world's getting FIGHT CLUB on our asses! Join, or be forced to at knifepoint! Come on, kids - let's fire up this revolution. And it doesn't have to run on fossil fuel.
Saturday, February 12, 2005
ONE SMART-ASSED CHRISTIAN'S OPEN LETTER
I have always been confused by the delicate specifics of the bible's demands and an avid hater of the Republican god. (One of my favorite songs is a (Liquid) Tapedeck song that goes:
Adam and Eve had sex. (guitar rumblings) And Adam and Eve had Cane and Abel. (guitar rumblings) And Cane and Abel had sex...with...(spoken)Wait...who did Cane and Abel have sex with? Does anyone know who Cane and Abel had sex with? Did they have neighbors? Did they have any sisters? They must have had sex with their mother. Because who else was there to have sex with? --- CHORUS/CODA thingy: It doesn't matter anyway; 'cause we're all inbreds anyway...
(Unless God made neighbors for Cane and Abel to have sex with. Which would mean that the whole population only came from two families. Which means there is no way that the bible could be true. Or else, we'd all be complete inbreds. As we've all witnessed on Jerry Springer, you see what happens when relatives do it after only one or two generations - it leads to little baby retards. Granted, most of the population of the world is fucking retarded, but not literally actually retarded.)
So...Doctor Laura Schlesinger is a US radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. On her show recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination, according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura by a 'God-fearing Christian.' I wish they'd just sent it as is, without the PS, to see if he'd get a response.
Dear Dr. Laura:
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination ... End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.
1.Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord -Lev.1:9. The problem is, my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2. clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?
6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?
7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?
8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?
9. I know from Lev.11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)
I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging. I remain a concerned but very confused GOD fearing Christian
PS Dr. Laura can you direct me to a source for those nude photographs of yourself that were making the rounds some ten years ago? I would like to get a set of 8" by 12" glossies to be used as a visual training tool to prepare my Grandchildren for a life of having to understand all the hypocrites they will have to deal with in their lives.
THE GATES in CENTRAL PARK
The Gates are up in Central Park - Thousands of feet of gates with saffron colored fabric blowing throughout. It's like the Halley's Comet of expensive art projects, brought to you by two super rich white people who had nothing better to do with what...20 billion dollars? Then take over the park and plant laundry.
Why not send that money to the Tsunami, or build 'The Houses' - an art project that gives homeless people a place to live. I mean, they built the frame of one wall, and already threw in a curtain. Why not add a door and a heater and call it a worthy cause?
I appreciate art, and I like the fact that these two people can afford to do whatever they want, whether this city's gov wants them to do it or not, but I don't condone spending 20 million dollars on anything ever.
Money should be illegal.
Friday, February 11, 2005
BRUSH WITH A BRUSH WITH GREATNESS:
Super Diamond - The Neil Diamond Tribute Band
Just to show you all that I'm not making it up when I boo hoo on my website, check out this little 'diamond' of a story: This is how my life is, every single day.
This lady from Clearchannel called me today, and asked if I could open up tonight and tomorrow night for two sold-out shows at Irving Plaza for this Neil Diamond tribute act called "Super Diamond." I think my actual response was, "Shit, yeah!"
We worked out the details, pay, etc., and confirmed it. She called me back a few minutes later and said, ahh, never mind. Super Diamond doesn't want a comedic act to open up for them.
Now if that isn't a shit sandwich, I don't know what is.
Well, guess what I ate for lunch today? A shit sandwich. Guess what I ate for lunch yesterday? A shit sandwich. And the day before that? You got it - shit sandwich.
I guess by now, I should be used to shit sandwiches.
Mmmmm. Shit. Sandwich.
DREAM GIG??? Call and find out...
Are you an interesting person who lives in NYC? Do you have trouble dating for some reason? Maybe because you can't find the right one? Maybe because you're crazy?
If you are interested in being filmed for a documentary about interesting people who live in NYC who have trouble dating, please call this phone number:
212 -481-9501
...and ask for Michael. Tell him Jessica Delfino sentcha.
Alrighty, kids, I'm off to choke myself with a belt like that guy from INXS did.
Super Diamond - The Neil Diamond Tribute Band
Just to show you all that I'm not making it up when I boo hoo on my website, check out this little 'diamond' of a story: This is how my life is, every single day.
This lady from Clearchannel called me today, and asked if I could open up tonight and tomorrow night for two sold-out shows at Irving Plaza for this Neil Diamond tribute act called "Super Diamond." I think my actual response was, "Shit, yeah!"
We worked out the details, pay, etc., and confirmed it. She called me back a few minutes later and said, ahh, never mind. Super Diamond doesn't want a comedic act to open up for them.
Now if that isn't a shit sandwich, I don't know what is.
Well, guess what I ate for lunch today? A shit sandwich. Guess what I ate for lunch yesterday? A shit sandwich. And the day before that? You got it - shit sandwich.
I guess by now, I should be used to shit sandwiches.
Mmmmm. Shit. Sandwich.
DREAM GIG??? Call and find out...
Are you an interesting person who lives in NYC? Do you have trouble dating for some reason? Maybe because you can't find the right one? Maybe because you're crazy?
If you are interested in being filmed for a documentary about interesting people who live in NYC who have trouble dating, please call this phone number:
212 -481-9501
...and ask for Michael. Tell him Jessica Delfino sentcha.
Alrighty, kids, I'm off to choke myself with a belt like that guy from INXS did.
TELEPHONE BAR SHOW REVIEW and WEEKEND FUN DETAILS
I performed last night in a bar at 2nd? and 9th called "Telephone Bar". There's a show in the back room (the location of many comedy shows in NYC - either that or 'downstairs' - why is comedy always kept in the back or under the ground?) and it was pretty nice. It was packed, and only a buck to watch.
On the show were Patrick Borelli who I love and just think the world of, comedically, then there was Abby Rosen whom I've known for several years, she had some great material, Aziz Ensari (I'm not sure if I'm spelling his name right) but he did some cute anti-stand-up (playing songs on his I-Pod that he recorded for this girl he has a crush on who's dating someone else) and the show hosts, whose names I mostly forget. There were like, three of them! But each of them had their own adorable qualities, and were even quite proficient on the funny stage arena.
And, they were very nice and even PAID me to perform! I made a fat $6. Hey - I'll take fat six bucks to a skinny no bucks anytime.
My mother called me early (11 am) this morning to inquire about my blog comments from the Opie and Anthony show. Thanks a lot, you dumb O&A shit head geeks, now you've done gone and upset my momma. The last thing I need is for my moms to be concerned, because when she becomes upset, she often gets all vocal about it.
Some assholes owe my moms an apology. Probably their own moms, too. Get on it, oh fat ones.
You can e-mail all apologies to me, and I'll forward them to my mom.
jessdelfino@yahoo.com
THIS SATURDAY is the long-been-hiding DEEP DISH CABARET. It got written up in this week's NY PRESS, and is hosted by my favorite, Patrick Borelli. Am I stalking him, you might wonder? Am I just finding out about every show he's performing on and then trying to perform on them, too, you may find yourself asking the monitor as you read this? The answer is NO. We just happen to keep coincidentally being booked to perform on the same shows. It's a small pool, and after awhile, the randomness of it wears out. To find out about DEEP DISH, google it. It's a great, weird variety show, and every time I go, I see truly amazing acts I've never seen before. I first saw Mike Albo there, Adira Amram, Quincy Newton, and Michael Portnoy, all who have become favorites of mine. I saw Mike Albo's show at PS122 this past weekend. It was a rainbow of wisdom and wit. See it, if you can.
DEEP DISH CABARET
Junno's Lounge
64 Downing Street - that's a short block North of Houston, and 30 steps East of 7th Ave.
The show is $10 I believe.
Show starts at 10 PM and goes until about 1 am. There are often about 8 acts, with a short break in between for optimal alcohol consumption and schmoozing. And the audience is always hot, too! Always attractive chicks and sexy dudes, filling up those seats with fine, round asses.
THIS SUNDAY is going to be the ALL YOU CAN TAKE Valentine's Edition. We will have spontaneity and more, but will also be having a special guest who will read PRISON INMATE personals ads aloud, in case any of you are lonely, and other special, romantic, red and other typical Valentine's Day cliche-related surprises. 7-9 PM, Apocalypse Lounge, E3rd St. between aves A and B. And it's free, in case you're poor, cheap, or skeptical. **I ENCOURAGE ALL PERFORMERS*** to do something heart-themed.
AND THEN AFTER MY SHOW is a Reading Show I'll be participating in at 21 Bleecker Street, West of Bowery. It's at 10 pm. I don't know too much about it, but it's at a place with a weird, long name, like the Hyperbolic Literary Institute, or some other three-worded upper-crust insinuating nombre. Sounds like it could be a fancy fun time.
I performed last night in a bar at 2nd? and 9th called "Telephone Bar". There's a show in the back room (the location of many comedy shows in NYC - either that or 'downstairs' - why is comedy always kept in the back or under the ground?) and it was pretty nice. It was packed, and only a buck to watch.
On the show were Patrick Borelli who I love and just think the world of, comedically, then there was Abby Rosen whom I've known for several years, she had some great material, Aziz Ensari (I'm not sure if I'm spelling his name right) but he did some cute anti-stand-up (playing songs on his I-Pod that he recorded for this girl he has a crush on who's dating someone else) and the show hosts, whose names I mostly forget. There were like, three of them! But each of them had their own adorable qualities, and were even quite proficient on the funny stage arena.
And, they were very nice and even PAID me to perform! I made a fat $6. Hey - I'll take fat six bucks to a skinny no bucks anytime.
My mother called me early (11 am) this morning to inquire about my blog comments from the Opie and Anthony show. Thanks a lot, you dumb O&A shit head geeks, now you've done gone and upset my momma. The last thing I need is for my moms to be concerned, because when she becomes upset, she often gets all vocal about it.
Some assholes owe my moms an apology. Probably their own moms, too. Get on it, oh fat ones.
You can e-mail all apologies to me, and I'll forward them to my mom.
jessdelfino@yahoo.com
THIS SATURDAY is the long-been-hiding DEEP DISH CABARET. It got written up in this week's NY PRESS, and is hosted by my favorite, Patrick Borelli. Am I stalking him, you might wonder? Am I just finding out about every show he's performing on and then trying to perform on them, too, you may find yourself asking the monitor as you read this? The answer is NO. We just happen to keep coincidentally being booked to perform on the same shows. It's a small pool, and after awhile, the randomness of it wears out. To find out about DEEP DISH, google it. It's a great, weird variety show, and every time I go, I see truly amazing acts I've never seen before. I first saw Mike Albo there, Adira Amram, Quincy Newton, and Michael Portnoy, all who have become favorites of mine. I saw Mike Albo's show at PS122 this past weekend. It was a rainbow of wisdom and wit. See it, if you can.
DEEP DISH CABARET
Junno's Lounge
64 Downing Street - that's a short block North of Houston, and 30 steps East of 7th Ave.
The show is $10 I believe.
Show starts at 10 PM and goes until about 1 am. There are often about 8 acts, with a short break in between for optimal alcohol consumption and schmoozing. And the audience is always hot, too! Always attractive chicks and sexy dudes, filling up those seats with fine, round asses.
THIS SUNDAY is going to be the ALL YOU CAN TAKE Valentine's Edition. We will have spontaneity and more, but will also be having a special guest who will read PRISON INMATE personals ads aloud, in case any of you are lonely, and other special, romantic, red and other typical Valentine's Day cliche-related surprises. 7-9 PM, Apocalypse Lounge, E3rd St. between aves A and B. And it's free, in case you're poor, cheap, or skeptical. **I ENCOURAGE ALL PERFORMERS*** to do something heart-themed.
AND THEN AFTER MY SHOW is a Reading Show I'll be participating in at 21 Bleecker Street, West of Bowery. It's at 10 pm. I don't know too much about it, but it's at a place with a weird, long name, like the Hyperbolic Literary Institute, or some other three-worded upper-crust insinuating nombre. Sounds like it could be a fancy fun time.
Thursday, February 10, 2005
Monday, February 7, 2005
MORE STRANGE NEWS
Man Swallows Tongue Trying To Lick Heart
Valley River, NJ
Did you hear about the feller in New Jersey that swallowed his own tongue while trying trying to lick his heart from the inside? I bet he wishes he hadn't done that. He told authorities that he saw someone do it on an infomercial and then decided he might give it a whirl. Looks like his whirl was cock-blocked by the duel of his body's two biggest, most powerful muscles.
Heart - one.
Tongue - none.
This world is crazy! Just fucking crazy!
Man Drowns Self In Tea Cup
Pittsburg, PA
An unnamed man drowned himself in what appeared to be a tea cup in his living room in his home in Pittsburg, late last night. Neighbors said he seemed like a nice man, had some kind of spitting disorder which made him constantly drool, but other than that was friendly and always smiling. He leaves behind a cat, Coco, and three pairs of sailor pants. Insane!
Girl wins Nobel Prize for Stealing
Vladakopta, Russia
Nadya Ankavankya is the first woman to win the Nobel Thief Prize. This very high-regarded award is nearly impossible to obtain, because it is kept in a small refridgerator in Antartica. We'll see if she ever actually receives it, but she did win it. Congratulations, Nadya, and keep up the excellent level of stealing that sets the standard for the world! Strange fucking news, huh?
Seventeen People Arrested In Mysterious Shortbread Cookie Incident
Toronto, Canada
Seventeen People were arrested today in conjunction with a mysterious shortbread cookie incident which have left local authorities baffled, confused, and truly bewildered, if not stuffed! Early last week, a truck with 40,000 boxes of shortbread cookies pulled into town, delivering the cookies to many homes in and around Toronto. No one knows where the cookies come from or why, but seventeen local residents got into a shortbread cookie food-fight that resulted in downed electrical wires, broken car windows and the slinging of words that can't be taken back.
Fucked up, right? Well, guess what? It's a fucked up world! Full of fucked up news!
Send your strange news items to: jessdelfino@yahoo.com
Man Swallows Tongue Trying To Lick Heart
Valley River, NJ
Did you hear about the feller in New Jersey that swallowed his own tongue while trying trying to lick his heart from the inside? I bet he wishes he hadn't done that. He told authorities that he saw someone do it on an infomercial and then decided he might give it a whirl. Looks like his whirl was cock-blocked by the duel of his body's two biggest, most powerful muscles.
Heart - one.
Tongue - none.
This world is crazy! Just fucking crazy!
Man Drowns Self In Tea Cup
Pittsburg, PA
An unnamed man drowned himself in what appeared to be a tea cup in his living room in his home in Pittsburg, late last night. Neighbors said he seemed like a nice man, had some kind of spitting disorder which made him constantly drool, but other than that was friendly and always smiling. He leaves behind a cat, Coco, and three pairs of sailor pants. Insane!
Girl wins Nobel Prize for Stealing
Vladakopta, Russia
Nadya Ankavankya is the first woman to win the Nobel Thief Prize. This very high-regarded award is nearly impossible to obtain, because it is kept in a small refridgerator in Antartica. We'll see if she ever actually receives it, but she did win it. Congratulations, Nadya, and keep up the excellent level of stealing that sets the standard for the world! Strange fucking news, huh?
Seventeen People Arrested In Mysterious Shortbread Cookie Incident
Toronto, Canada
Seventeen People were arrested today in conjunction with a mysterious shortbread cookie incident which have left local authorities baffled, confused, and truly bewildered, if not stuffed! Early last week, a truck with 40,000 boxes of shortbread cookies pulled into town, delivering the cookies to many homes in and around Toronto. No one knows where the cookies come from or why, but seventeen local residents got into a shortbread cookie food-fight that resulted in downed electrical wires, broken car windows and the slinging of words that can't be taken back.
Fucked up, right? Well, guess what? It's a fucked up world! Full of fucked up news!
Send your strange news items to: jessdelfino@yahoo.com
Saturday, February 5, 2005
ALL YOU CAN EAT...
...is cancelled this Sunday because Apocalypse is doing renovations, not because of the Shithole Bowl. I was going to have the anti-superbowl show with lots of anti-superbowl crap. But oh, well. There's always some other horseshit national event (soon to be holiday?) I can base a show around. Whadda ya think - will the Superbowl become a national holiday someday?
I can see Hallmark jumping ALL OVER that one.
Happy Superbowl Day, to all my loved ones.
I hate the Superbowl. It reminds me of my dad and what a fucking asshole he is.
See ya next Sunday, 7 pm at Apocalypse Lounge, E3rd St. bt. Aves A and B.
...is cancelled this Sunday because Apocalypse is doing renovations, not because of the Shithole Bowl. I was going to have the anti-superbowl show with lots of anti-superbowl crap. But oh, well. There's always some other horseshit national event (soon to be holiday?) I can base a show around. Whadda ya think - will the Superbowl become a national holiday someday?
I can see Hallmark jumping ALL OVER that one.
Happy Superbowl Day, to all my loved ones.
I hate the Superbowl. It reminds me of my dad and what a fucking asshole he is.
See ya next Sunday, 7 pm at Apocalypse Lounge, E3rd St. bt. Aves A and B.
THIS GUY'S DICK...
I got to sing two songs on Opie and Anthony on Thursday morning. It was such a fun time, and I really am thankful that those guys were cool enough to have me on the show and let me play my vulgar ditties. Jay London was also there in the studio (Last Comic Standing) and so it was strange, because they LOVE Jay London and were really doting all over him, so I felt a bit small in comparison to the guy. He was a kind of old-school style one-liner comic, which I only generally like sometimes, but he had a loveable quality, even with his homeless old acid casualty look, and was generally very friendly and pleasant to talk to. He said he used to be a taxi driver in NYC and is now headlining at Caroline's. Cool. I'm playing my guitar in the subway and drinking my own urine to keep warm.
I suck.
Since the show, I've gotten a lot of e-mails from random guys, mostly horny pervs. I love getting fan mail, even when it's from fans who hate me. Some of the e-mails say things like, "Great job!" or "Hi! You sounded sexy on the radio!" Others say, "Hey, it's me, your old friend Joe. Let's hang out."
And then I've gotten a ton of comments on this site from the O&A's brilliant future homos and convicts coalition. Thanks, and keep them coming! Some of the stuff you guys write is really....um...stolen from Jim Norton.
But my favorite thing so far, was from a dude I know as John Penn. He sent me an e-mail a few hours after the show - I'm not sure if he heard the show or not, but I'm guessing he did, even though he didn't mention it at all. He wrote to me asking if he could send me the above picture of himself.
Well, that's all for now. I've got to get cancer or some other hilarious disease.
I got to sing two songs on Opie and Anthony on Thursday morning. It was such a fun time, and I really am thankful that those guys were cool enough to have me on the show and let me play my vulgar ditties. Jay London was also there in the studio (Last Comic Standing) and so it was strange, because they LOVE Jay London and were really doting all over him, so I felt a bit small in comparison to the guy. He was a kind of old-school style one-liner comic, which I only generally like sometimes, but he had a loveable quality, even with his homeless old acid casualty look, and was generally very friendly and pleasant to talk to. He said he used to be a taxi driver in NYC and is now headlining at Caroline's. Cool. I'm playing my guitar in the subway and drinking my own urine to keep warm.
I suck.
Since the show, I've gotten a lot of e-mails from random guys, mostly horny pervs. I love getting fan mail, even when it's from fans who hate me. Some of the e-mails say things like, "Great job!" or "Hi! You sounded sexy on the radio!" Others say, "Hey, it's me, your old friend Joe. Let's hang out."
And then I've gotten a ton of comments on this site from the O&A's brilliant future homos and convicts coalition. Thanks, and keep them coming! Some of the stuff you guys write is really....um...stolen from Jim Norton.
But my favorite thing so far, was from a dude I know as John Penn. He sent me an e-mail a few hours after the show - I'm not sure if he heard the show or not, but I'm guessing he did, even though he didn't mention it at all. He wrote to me asking if he could send me the above picture of himself.
Well, that's all for now. I've got to get cancer or some other hilarious disease.
Thursday, February 3, 2005
YO, THESE BITCHES ARE SERIOUS AND SHIT...
...an update from the Comedy Coalition
Dear Fellow Comedians,
Thank you so much to those of you who attended today's coalition
meeting at AFTRA. We had our biggest turnout yet and it speaks volumes about
the level of interest and committment among comics to stand together
and take action. We've also collected over $1,000 in donations from
comics to assist with our expenses. Your generosity is inspiring.
The coalition voted today to approve plans to take further action
against those clubs who have not proposed any pay increase whatsoever. These
clubs are the Improv, New York Comedy Club, Dangerfield's and Standup
NY. As of today we are asking comedians to stop working these clubs. If
you have existing dates booked with them PLEASE EMAIL THEM TO US AND
HONOR THESE COMMITTMENTS BUT BOOK NO FUTURE DATES WITH THESE CLUBS UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE.
The weekend of February 11 is when a protest of some kind will take
place at one or more of these clubs. WE WILL DO EVERYTHING IN OUR POWER TO
AVOID THINGS REACHING THAT LEVEL, but we are preparing for that
eventuality. Again, if you have existing dates with the aforementioned clubs
please email them to us (so we have a record of existing dates) and
honor those dates. YOU WILL NOT BE CONSIDERED SCABS OR HAVING CROSSED A
PICKET LINE. AS OF TODAY, DO NOT LEAVE AVAILS OR BOOK ANY NEW DATES AT
THESE CLUBS FOR FEBRUARY 10 FORWARD.
The press has been a powerful tool for us thus far and will continue to
be. As of Wednesday we will begin a fully comprehensive press push so
please email us any press contact you have in print, radio and
television. All of us have done radio shows, tv shows, had writers profile us in
one publication or another. Please SEND US EVERY SINGLE PRESS CONTACT
YOU HAVE.
We also want to get as much celebrity support as possible. Celebrity
involvement will obviously help our cause immensely so please let us know
about any celebrities that you have a relationship with or contact info
for. This is very important so please take the time to do it today.
We are exploring alternate performing venues, setting up a "coalition
fund" for any comic who may be in need, and a NY Comedians Coalition
Protest Show, which would potentially feature celebrity comics on the bill
and would help raise funds for the coalition, in addition to raising
our profile with the public. It is also important that we get the word
out to every comic we know. Please email every single comic in your
address book, no matter what state they live in, and inform them that WE ARE
PROTESTING THESE CLUBS AND THEY SHOULD NOT WORK THEM. It is so
important that we get the word out to comics across the country so that these
clubs cannot call unsuspecting comics to take the vacant spots. We must
inform them that we are protesting these clubs and we ask their
solidarity, as fellow comics.
We have to get the word out to the general public, too. PLEASE EMAIL
EVERY PERSON IN YOUR ADDRESS BOOK OR ON YOUR MAILING LIST and inform them
that WE ARE PROTESTING THESE CLUBS AND THEY SHOULD NOT ATTEND THEM. If
you have a website please post the clubs that have been cooperative on
your website. There will be a list of these clubs on
www.nycomedianscoalition.com, so you can look there or simply link to that.
We are also continuing talks with the cooperative clubs who have worked
with us to pursue further progress with them. We are at such a crucial
stage of our effort and we ask that you all stay actively engaged in
the process. This is our profession and we are in a wonderful position to
make positive change. IF YOU HAVE SUGGESTIONS, QUESTIONS, INSIGHTS,
CRITICISMS OR OPINIONS PLEASE EMAIL US. We are a group of creative
thinkers and this will require creative solutions so please participate.
Again, thank you to each and every one of you for your individual
contributions to our success thus far. We can all be proud of the dignity
and professionalism we have displayed throughout.
Respectfully,
Ted Alexandro - tedalexandro@aol.com
Russ Meneve - rmeneve@aol.com
Tom Shillue - tshillue@aol.com
Buddy Bolton - squishypaw@aol.com
...an update from the Comedy Coalition
Dear Fellow Comedians,
Thank you so much to those of you who attended today's coalition
meeting at AFTRA. We had our biggest turnout yet and it speaks volumes about
the level of interest and committment among comics to stand together
and take action. We've also collected over $1,000 in donations from
comics to assist with our expenses. Your generosity is inspiring.
The coalition voted today to approve plans to take further action
against those clubs who have not proposed any pay increase whatsoever. These
clubs are the Improv, New York Comedy Club, Dangerfield's and Standup
NY. As of today we are asking comedians to stop working these clubs. If
you have existing dates booked with them PLEASE EMAIL THEM TO US AND
HONOR THESE COMMITTMENTS BUT BOOK NO FUTURE DATES WITH THESE CLUBS UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE.
The weekend of February 11 is when a protest of some kind will take
place at one or more of these clubs. WE WILL DO EVERYTHING IN OUR POWER TO
AVOID THINGS REACHING THAT LEVEL, but we are preparing for that
eventuality. Again, if you have existing dates with the aforementioned clubs
please email them to us (so we have a record of existing dates) and
honor those dates. YOU WILL NOT BE CONSIDERED SCABS OR HAVING CROSSED A
PICKET LINE. AS OF TODAY, DO NOT LEAVE AVAILS OR BOOK ANY NEW DATES AT
THESE CLUBS FOR FEBRUARY 10 FORWARD.
The press has been a powerful tool for us thus far and will continue to
be. As of Wednesday we will begin a fully comprehensive press push so
please email us any press contact you have in print, radio and
television. All of us have done radio shows, tv shows, had writers profile us in
one publication or another. Please SEND US EVERY SINGLE PRESS CONTACT
YOU HAVE.
We also want to get as much celebrity support as possible. Celebrity
involvement will obviously help our cause immensely so please let us know
about any celebrities that you have a relationship with or contact info
for. This is very important so please take the time to do it today.
We are exploring alternate performing venues, setting up a "coalition
fund" for any comic who may be in need, and a NY Comedians Coalition
Protest Show, which would potentially feature celebrity comics on the bill
and would help raise funds for the coalition, in addition to raising
our profile with the public. It is also important that we get the word
out to every comic we know. Please email every single comic in your
address book, no matter what state they live in, and inform them that WE ARE
PROTESTING THESE CLUBS AND THEY SHOULD NOT WORK THEM. It is so
important that we get the word out to comics across the country so that these
clubs cannot call unsuspecting comics to take the vacant spots. We must
inform them that we are protesting these clubs and we ask their
solidarity, as fellow comics.
We have to get the word out to the general public, too. PLEASE EMAIL
EVERY PERSON IN YOUR ADDRESS BOOK OR ON YOUR MAILING LIST and inform them
that WE ARE PROTESTING THESE CLUBS AND THEY SHOULD NOT ATTEND THEM. If
you have a website please post the clubs that have been cooperative on
your website. There will be a list of these clubs on
www.nycomedianscoalition.com, so you can look there or simply link to that.
We are also continuing talks with the cooperative clubs who have worked
with us to pursue further progress with them. We are at such a crucial
stage of our effort and we ask that you all stay actively engaged in
the process. This is our profession and we are in a wonderful position to
make positive change. IF YOU HAVE SUGGESTIONS, QUESTIONS, INSIGHTS,
CRITICISMS OR OPINIONS PLEASE EMAIL US. We are a group of creative
thinkers and this will require creative solutions so please participate.
Again, thank you to each and every one of you for your individual
contributions to our success thus far. We can all be proud of the dignity
and professionalism we have displayed throughout.
Respectfully,
Ted Alexandro - tedalexandro@aol.com
Russ Meneve - rmeneve@aol.com
Tom Shillue - tshillue@aol.com
Buddy Bolton - squishypaw@aol.com
Wednesday, February 2, 2005
It's not that cold outside, I don't think. (It's a balmy winter day.) Get out and take a walk.
If you get up at 7:30 am, (why do you wake up at 7:30 am ever!!??) Be sure to listen to XM radio on Thursday morning - I think I might be on Opie and Anthony around 7:30 am.
You can get XM for free at www.xmradio.com.
You can find out more about the Opie and Anthony show at www.opieandanthony.com.
If you get up at 7:30 am, (why do you wake up at 7:30 am ever!!??) Be sure to listen to XM radio on Thursday morning - I think I might be on Opie and Anthony around 7:30 am.
You can get XM for free at www.xmradio.com.
You can find out more about the Opie and Anthony show at www.opieandanthony.com.
Tuesday, February 1, 2005
A WORD (or 371) ON my ALL YOU CAN TAKE show
This mostly only will concern you if you ever intend on performing at ALL YOU CAN TAKE, my weekly show at Apocalpyse Lounge at 183 E. 3rd St. between aves A & B. It's free, and it's from 7-9 pm. Now, to my points.
I've been doing my show ALL YOU CAN TAKE for a few weeks now, and it's going okay so far. Every week, the show is getting bigger and better, and I'm getting a more clearly defined idea of the direction I want to go in with it. But, I'd like to be more frank about what I want to happen with the show.
I arrive for my show each week around 6:30 pm. Last week when I arrived, there were already about six or so people there, and they had started a list. I understand why they did this, as that is a typical open mic protocol, perhaps, but this isn't supposed to be a typical open mic.
The idea I have in my head for this show is more a weekly gathering of funny-minded smartasses for delinquent thought sessions. So, from now on, what I'm going to do is set up the show like this:
There are going to be eight open spots per show. This means there is a chance you might not get to perform two weeks in a row. There is a chance you can, though, also, and these factors will affect that:
d) if there are less than eight performers that week
e) if you are doing something completely different than the week before
f) you bribe me with homemade brownies
g) you stay for the speed round
THOSE ARE THE RULES. But there are also more.
There will be a VERY few (like two or three, depending) advance open spots. Those spots can be reserved by
e-mailing me in advance only. But, you can't simply e-mail me. You have to explain why you are so great you deserve an advance spot. You get points for:
p) being funny
q) having the best response (whatever that means)
r) having the most unique, interesting sounding act
s) having a really good reason why you MUST get an advance spot
E-mail at jessdelfino@yahoo.com for advance spots.
Advance spot performers will be slotted and will not need to sign up before the show, but will need to arrive in time for the show to start at 7 pm.
For all performers after the ten advance and open mic spot acts have performed, there will be a speed round at the end where anyone left over can have one minute on the mic. If, at the end of one minute, the audience chants ONE MORE MINUTE! ONE MORE MINUTE! They can have one more minute. (The entire audience has to chant it, not just the one or two friends the performer brought along.)
You may come early to get a table or wait for the show to begin, but don't start your own sign- up list. Spots won't be given out until I arrive and are subject to selectivity based on time frame and my judgment on whether or not the audience might want to see your act. (For example, there's this guy named Mikie who comes and he likes to talk incoherently for a bit, and then I think fall asleep while standing up. It's funny for about thirty seconds.)
Interesting comedians, unusual musicians and other odd acts especially encouraged to apply. But please, no crazy shit-filled Mr. Shit-in-pantses. The show is every Sunday, 7-9 pm at Apocalypse Lounge, 183 E. 3rd St. btw. Aves A & B.
This show is not plainly an open mic, nor is it a coddly support party. If you're a comedian or performer who is only interested in trying out hacky crap we've all seen and heard a hundred times, try the New York Comedy Club's open mic, or there are plenty of other open mics in the city who caiter to stand-up schlomedy. I'm sick of watching it, and I don't want my audience to have to watch it, either.
This show was created to allow performers, especially comedians and musicians, a chance to push their own creative boundaries and for audiences to see something not mainstream in the frame of a mainstream performance style. I encourage performers to try something you might not normally do, and for audience members to be open-minded.
If you are a performer or just a regular Dan or Ann, curious to see something unique and worth watching, come to ALL YOU CAN TAKE.
E-mail jessdelfino@yahoo.com to be added to the mailing list.
If you'd like some interesting examples of artists I think push boundaries and do cool things, read below:
Patrick Borelli - hosted Eating It last night. He invited this keyboarding spanish lady on stage with him who I've only ever seen on Manhattan Neighborhood Network. Funny, and wierd. NEXT:
Reverend Jen - Makes puppets one day, reads from a book written from the perspective of her dog (which she wrote) the next. Mixing mediums - thumbs up!
NEXT:
The Shark Show Guys - have a mid-show reviewer review the first half of their show in the middle of their own show. Clever and original!
NEXT:
Liz Maher - Did a character of a legless chimney sweep boy with a can-do spirit who, with great determination (dragging herself by her arms) passed out colorful paper to audience members. Hilarious, and fucking art!
NEXT:
Invite Them Up Guys - They have a comedian do sixty seconds of stand-up in their show. Cute, funny, DIFFERENT.
NEXT:
Dimitri Martin - Made a poem using all the words on a Rolling Rock bottle. Impossible, unexpectable expectations from the layman, but fucking pretty cool.
NEXT:
Todd Barry - Created a 'receipt museum' on his website. Awesomely funny, and unheard of.
YOU TOO can do something different and unique. To say "well, everything's already been done!" is just another way of saying, "but I'm too lazy!"
So, here's the Jessica Delfino promise: I promise to do new material at every single show. I can't do all new material every single week, but I promise to do MOSTLY new material at every single show. I hope you will, too.
Also, by NEW, I don't necessarily mean material you just wrote, but that's ideal. I mean material that you've never done at my show.
HOPE TO SEE YOU NEXT WEEK...
This mostly only will concern you if you ever intend on performing at ALL YOU CAN TAKE, my weekly show at Apocalpyse Lounge at 183 E. 3rd St. between aves A & B. It's free, and it's from 7-9 pm. Now, to my points.
I've been doing my show ALL YOU CAN TAKE for a few weeks now, and it's going okay so far. Every week, the show is getting bigger and better, and I'm getting a more clearly defined idea of the direction I want to go in with it. But, I'd like to be more frank about what I want to happen with the show.
I arrive for my show each week around 6:30 pm. Last week when I arrived, there were already about six or so people there, and they had started a list. I understand why they did this, as that is a typical open mic protocol, perhaps, but this isn't supposed to be a typical open mic.
The idea I have in my head for this show is more a weekly gathering of funny-minded smartasses for delinquent thought sessions. So, from now on, what I'm going to do is set up the show like this:
There are going to be eight open spots per show. This means there is a chance you might not get to perform two weeks in a row. There is a chance you can, though, also, and these factors will affect that:
d) if there are less than eight performers that week
e) if you are doing something completely different than the week before
f) you bribe me with homemade brownies
g) you stay for the speed round
THOSE ARE THE RULES. But there are also more.
There will be a VERY few (like two or three, depending) advance open spots. Those spots can be reserved by
e-mailing me in advance only. But, you can't simply e-mail me. You have to explain why you are so great you deserve an advance spot. You get points for:
p) being funny
q) having the best response (whatever that means)
r) having the most unique, interesting sounding act
s) having a really good reason why you MUST get an advance spot
E-mail at jessdelfino@yahoo.com for advance spots.
Advance spot performers will be slotted and will not need to sign up before the show, but will need to arrive in time for the show to start at 7 pm.
For all performers after the ten advance and open mic spot acts have performed, there will be a speed round at the end where anyone left over can have one minute on the mic. If, at the end of one minute, the audience chants ONE MORE MINUTE! ONE MORE MINUTE! They can have one more minute. (The entire audience has to chant it, not just the one or two friends the performer brought along.)
You may come early to get a table or wait for the show to begin, but don't start your own sign- up list. Spots won't be given out until I arrive and are subject to selectivity based on time frame and my judgment on whether or not the audience might want to see your act. (For example, there's this guy named Mikie who comes and he likes to talk incoherently for a bit, and then I think fall asleep while standing up. It's funny for about thirty seconds.)
Interesting comedians, unusual musicians and other odd acts especially encouraged to apply. But please, no crazy shit-filled Mr. Shit-in-pantses. The show is every Sunday, 7-9 pm at Apocalypse Lounge, 183 E. 3rd St. btw. Aves A & B.
This show is not plainly an open mic, nor is it a coddly support party. If you're a comedian or performer who is only interested in trying out hacky crap we've all seen and heard a hundred times, try the New York Comedy Club's open mic, or there are plenty of other open mics in the city who caiter to stand-up schlomedy. I'm sick of watching it, and I don't want my audience to have to watch it, either.
This show was created to allow performers, especially comedians and musicians, a chance to push their own creative boundaries and for audiences to see something not mainstream in the frame of a mainstream performance style. I encourage performers to try something you might not normally do, and for audience members to be open-minded.
If you are a performer or just a regular Dan or Ann, curious to see something unique and worth watching, come to ALL YOU CAN TAKE.
E-mail jessdelfino@yahoo.com to be added to the mailing list.
If you'd like some interesting examples of artists I think push boundaries and do cool things, read below:
Patrick Borelli - hosted Eating It last night. He invited this keyboarding spanish lady on stage with him who I've only ever seen on Manhattan Neighborhood Network. Funny, and wierd. NEXT:
Reverend Jen - Makes puppets one day, reads from a book written from the perspective of her dog (which she wrote) the next. Mixing mediums - thumbs up!
NEXT:
The Shark Show Guys - have a mid-show reviewer review the first half of their show in the middle of their own show. Clever and original!
NEXT:
Liz Maher - Did a character of a legless chimney sweep boy with a can-do spirit who, with great determination (dragging herself by her arms) passed out colorful paper to audience members. Hilarious, and fucking art!
NEXT:
Invite Them Up Guys - They have a comedian do sixty seconds of stand-up in their show. Cute, funny, DIFFERENT.
NEXT:
Dimitri Martin - Made a poem using all the words on a Rolling Rock bottle. Impossible, unexpectable expectations from the layman, but fucking pretty cool.
NEXT:
Todd Barry - Created a 'receipt museum' on his website. Awesomely funny, and unheard of.
YOU TOO can do something different and unique. To say "well, everything's already been done!" is just another way of saying, "but I'm too lazy!"
So, here's the Jessica Delfino promise: I promise to do new material at every single show. I can't do all new material every single week, but I promise to do MOSTLY new material at every single show. I hope you will, too.
Also, by NEW, I don't necessarily mean material you just wrote, but that's ideal. I mean material that you've never done at my show.
HOPE TO SEE YOU NEXT WEEK...
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