Jessy Delfino's Blog

ONE SMART-ASSED CHRISTIAN'S OPEN LETTER

I have always been confused by the delicate specifics of the bible's demands and an avid hater of the Republican god. (One of my favorite songs is a (Liquid) Tapedeck song that goes:

Adam and Eve had sex. (guitar rumblings) And Adam and Eve had Cane and Abel. (guitar rumblings) And Cane and Abel had sex...with...(spoken)Wait...who did Cane and Abel have sex with? Does anyone know who Cane and Abel had sex with? Did they have neighbors? Did they have any sisters? They must have had sex with their mother. Because who else was there to have sex with? --- CHORUS/CODA thingy: It doesn't matter anyway; 'cause we're all inbreds anyway...

(Unless God made neighbors for Cane and Abel to have sex with. Which would mean that the whole population only came from two families. Which means there is no way that the bible could be true. Or else, we'd all be complete inbreds. As we've all witnessed on Jerry Springer, you see what happens when relatives do it after only one or two generations - it leads to little baby retards. Granted, most of the population of the world is fucking retarded, but not literally actually retarded.)

So...Doctor Laura Schlesinger is a US radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. On her show recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination, according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura by a 'God-fearing Christian.' I wish they'd just sent it as is, without the PS, to see if he'd get a response.

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination ... End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.

1.Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord -Lev.1:9. The problem is, my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2. clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev.11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging. I remain a concerned but very confused GOD fearing Christian

PS Dr. Laura can you direct me to a source for those nude photographs of yourself that were making the rounds some ten years ago? I would like to get a set of 8" by 12" glossies to be used as a visual training tool to prepare my Grandchildren for a life of having to understand all the hypocrites they will have to deal with in their lives.

THE GATES in CENTRAL PARK

The Gates are up in Central Park - Thousands of feet of gates with saffron colored fabric blowing throughout. It's like the Halley's Comet of expensive art projects, brought to you by two super rich white people who had nothing better to do with what...20 billion dollars? Then take over the park and plant laundry.

Why not send that money to the Tsunami, or build 'The Houses' - an art project that gives homeless people a place to live. I mean, they built the frame of one wall, and already threw in a curtain. Why not add a door and a heater and call it a worthy cause?

I appreciate art, and I like the fact that these two people can afford to do whatever they want, whether this city's gov wants them to do it or not, but I don't condone spending 20 million dollars on anything ever.

Money should be illegal.