TOUR JOURNAL - Philadelphia

In Philly with Lisa "Suckdog" Crystal Carver and Dame Darcy and crew. On the ride here, we saw a sticker on the side of a light post that said, "Dog Waste Removal" and a phone number. Picking up a dog's business is apparently someone's business. They just come over and pick up your dog shit...off your...lawn...I guess. Or, wherever...

We arrived in Philly around 5 and went to Franklin Institute to see the Bodyworks exhibit. It was intense, grotesque, profound, stunning, bizarre, provocative, shameless, and other adjectives. This man took people who had donated their bodies to science, and used them to create this huge exhibit with rooms and rooms full of real live dead people posing in all these different poses, from playing basketball, to dancing, to a dead man riding a real dead horse. There were also all these real organs and slices of every body part you can imagine from brains to hearts to livers to fat people's legs, splayed out in cases so you could gawk at them in complete shock, horror and amazement. I've always been acutely aware of my own mortality and being in that exhibit made me even more aware of it. I was a bit overwhelmed with how many poses you can put dead people into. He also posed birds, and the aforementioned horse, and there was also a whole room with a pregnant woman with her stomach cut open to reveal her dead baby, fetuses at every stage of pregnancy, and a bunch of dead babies who'd died in the womb from various causes.

I left feeling a bit like a walking dead person.

The show was at Robin's Books at 7 PM, and it was a fun time. Dame Darcy played some songs on her autoharp, then I played some dirty folk rock songs. We then did a few sketches, which went over pretty crazily. If any of you have ever seen Lisa's stuff, you'll understand what this means.

We capped off the evening at Tattooed Mom's on South Street, making beaded necklaces and belts with the tons of buckets of beads they left out for drunk people to enjoy.

A good time was had by all.

DC tomorrow night, NYC on Tuesday.

GOING WITH "SUCKDOG"!!!

Alright, so I'm going to be in Philly, DC and then back to NYC with Lisa "Suckdog" Carver's book tour for her new Soft Skull Press book, "Drugs Are Nice". (www.softskull.com)

I will be playing a very memorable (and surprise) role in her reading/sketch, and I will also be performing a few dirty folk rock HITS. (Read:songs about vaginas)

I might even be going West with them in early November when they head to DC, LA, Seattle and Portland, Oregon.

This will be exciting, as I hear that this Lisa character can be kind of unpredictable. I'm looking forward to having a little bit of chaos in my life with someone I'm NOT dating.

The Philly show is tomorrow, Sunday at 7 PM at Robin's Books.

UPDATE ON SUCKDOG TOUR

I will be performing my dirty folk rock on her shows in Philly, DC, and NYC, as well as my surprise role in her reading. I may join Lisa and co as they cross the US to the West Coast and do some dirty ditties in LA, SF, Portland, OR and Seattle. This should take place the second week of November.

More details to come.

If you have never heard of Lisa "Suckdog" Carver, google her and get yourself an underground education.

The show tomorrow night, Sunday, is at Robin's Bookstore, Philadelphia, PA. 7 PM.
Monday in DC, Tuesday in NYC.

THIS SHOULD BE BIZARRE

I'm performing in Lisa "Suckdog" Carver's reading for her new book, "Drugs Are Nice" (Soft Skull Press) at KGB Bar, Oct. 25th at 7 PM. I won't give it away, but my role will be quite memorable. I encourage you all to come and see me do the most daring thing I've probably ever done on stage. After party will be at Galapagos at 10 PM.

If you can't make that show, perhaps you'll be interested in checking out the Philly show on Sunday, October 23 2005 at 7:00pm at Robin's Books. She invited me to go and perform at that show, too, but we're cramming into her small car. So, if anyone has a car and wants to drive down there, let's go and have a little road adventure together.

Here is the info about the Philly show, if you are considering going on a little road trip:

Robin’s Books
108 S. 13th Street
Philadelphia, PA
(215) 735-9600

Here is some more info about Lisa and her book, from Soft Skull Press's website, www.softskull.com:

In honor of her new memoir DRUGS ARE NICE, Lisa “Suckdog” Carver will be doing an unconventional and unforgettable lecture on post punk: why is happened and what went wrong. Accompanied by ethereal comic artist Dame Darcy on the singing saw, Lisa will draw diagrams and dry erase, explaining how chaotic, self-violent, transgressive performers like GG Allin, Suckdog, Lydia Lunch, and The Swans came to be. Also why they didn't wear colors and why they smelled so very bad. She will then turn the room (by top secret methods we would die rather than disclose here!) into a physical representation of ten minutes of the era she like to call "the late 80s, early 90s."

“The 31-year-old married mother from Dover may well be the country’s supreme cultural anthropologist: part literary provocateur, part social analyst. She’s been called everything from this decade’s ultimate underground Renaissance woman to America’s horniest optimist. Hunter S. Thompson in a miniskirt.” –Boston Magazine

“When Newt Gingrich wakes up sweating in the middle of the night with a hard-on and a sense of nameless dread, the face that he sees might be Lisa Carver’s.” –Time Out New York

“Carver is arguably the best-known non-celebrity her age. Try spitting into a poetry slam without hitting someone who hasn’t read her or been punched out by her.” –Utne Reader

And for more info on Lisa "Suckdog" Carver, check out her myspace site:

http://www.myspace.com/drugsarenice

NAKED PEOPLE!

Who doesn't love a good naked person all up close? You know why? Do ya? I'll tell you why. It's because in America, nakedness is all secretive - it's a hushy, shushy taboo. The site I'm about to tell you to go to is interesting, because it is simply a long, flowing, moving row of women who are fully clothed - but when you run the cursor over each naked body, it shows the same woman totally naked from head to (camel) toe (except for some reason, they have a different hair-do in the nude pix). You can slow the screen down by moving the mouse to the right and then examine each and every body all up and close.

I felt like I was peeking into a secret room when I saw this - a voice in my head was saying, "Do these people know that they are on the world wide web - totally naked?" Something told me for some reason, they don't know. But I doubt it - if I was naked on line, I would think someone would tell me.

Here's a special added butt bonus: If, while the mouse is rolling over the body, you click the clicker button, it shows the ass view.

NOTE: I didn't say every woman's naked body was perfect, or even hot. But there is something titillating about seeing even an unattractive naked body. I almost feel like part of the artistic "point" of this site is just that - you never can tell what a nude body will look like under its clothes. So, be careful what, or more appropriately, who you wish for.

ONE MORE NOTE: Be careful if you're looking at this at work - it just pops up, and then before you know it, there's all this nakedness all over the place.

CLICK HERE TO SEE NAKED PEOPLE!

The World Is Too Predictable...

I just heard on 1010 WINS a story about a man who was getting a tattoo that read "Last Rites", when he passed out and fell face first into a glass counter, which shattered and cut his throat.

He was getting a tattoo that read "last rites" and he DIED.

Can this world be any more predictable?

We've all heard stories where a man named "James Killson" killed his son, or "Harry Crimeworthy" was arrested for robbing a bank, or "Jennifer Slutsky" was arrested for prostitution. When will the readability of life end?

Is there any doubt in anyone's mind that I shall die penniless? I'm willing to bet my future fortune on it.

Just for once, I'd like to see a glaring contradiction occur. Surprise me! Let's have a Donald Lovelife commit suicide. Let's have a Sally Poor win the lottery. Let's have a priest rape a child...

Hm. Perhaps there is a little flip-floppery in life to be had now and again, after all.

This just overheard on WINS: A lady and her daughter have gone missing. A friend of the lady is concerned, because she said the lady "hears voices in her head." I didn't even need to HEAR the rest to jump to my own conclusion, but her friend's soundbite detailed, "I'm afraid if she hears a voice that tells her to kill herself and the child, she might follow through."

I wonder what happened to the girl and her baby.

Any guesses?

I'm just throwing this out there, as there's no way that could have actually happened, right? Based on the laws of the predictability of life, she probably just went shopping or visited relatives out of state.

This is the reason I both have no children nor pay any mind to the voices in my head.

It's like aliens or gods are playing a very sadistic game on us all. (NOTE: If I don't someday get to write a book and title it the above line, I'd like it written on my tombstone, please.)

ON REVOLUTIONARY-ISM and BEING RESOURCEFUL

This is a long but useful entry.

I stole Abbie Hoffman's "Steal This Book" from Barnes and Noble in 1995. I didn't know it then, but I was to learn that the way we are taught to do just about EVERYTHING in life is ass-backwards. There is no way capitalism CAN work for the have nots; it's geared specifically to make the rich richer. If you'd like to be able to live affordably in NYC, the first tip is to steal and read "Steal This Book" from any Barnes and Noble or large chain. Though it is old and much of the information is out of date, the message remains the same - there is a better, more efficient, less expensive way to do everything.

Don't ever steal from a small or independently owned book store. The mom and pop shops are being edged out by the big chains and will soon be gone forever. Some people say stealing is wrong and I agree to a certain extent that stealing is wrong. Stealing money or belongings from friends is wrong. Stealing TVs and Ipods and things of "desire" is wrong. But stealing food or things that are used for survival, especially from large chains, is never wrong. Especially when something that costs pennies to make is sold for dollars, and when the cost of living in NYC is what it is. Even if you have a high paying job, you are getting ripped off by every business every where every day. If you don't believe me, look at your Verizon phone bill and you'll note that we are charged a tax that pays Madison Square Garden's electricity bill. If that is the case, why the hell are concert tickets so expensive? And where does that money go?

FROM STEAL THIS BOOK:

ON PHONES

In our opinion, as long as there is a phone company, and as long as there are outlaws, nobody ever need pay for a call. In 1969, alone, the phone company estimates that over 10 million dollars worth of free calls were placed from New York City. Nothing, however, compares with the rip-off of the people by the phone company. In that same year, American Telephone and Telegraph made a profit of 8.6 billion dollars! Ripping off the phone company is an act of revolutionary love, so help spread the word.

You can make a local 10 cent call for 2 cents by spitting on the pennies and dropping them in the nickel slot. As soon as they are about to hit the trigger mechanism, bang the coin return button.

[JD: I don't know if this would work with 50 cents now or not. I suggest giving it a try. You have nothing to lose, besides 2 cents. Also, VERIZON is the most expensive phone company there is. Bargain hunt and save money. There is also a public assistance program, that, if you qualify for, can save you money on your phone bill. You can also get phone service through the internet for cheap and free.]

ON ENTERTAINMENT

There are many ways to sneak into theaters, concerts, stadiums and other entertainment houses. All these places have numerous fire exits with push bar doors that open easily from the inside. Arrive early with a group of friends after casing the joint and selecting the most convenient exit. Pay for one person to get in. When he does he simply opens the designated exit door when the ushers are out of the area and everyone rushes inside.

[JD: A good way to see free movies is to plan a full day at the movies. Buy a ticket for a noon film, and spend the rest of the day theater hopping from movie to movie. My record is 8 movies in one day. For the outrageous cost of one ticket at $11.00, you are now actually getting your money's worth. I do this about once a month and get seeing all the blockbusters out of the way in one day, for one tenth of the price. For extra value, bring your own popcorn, soda and snacks from home. Now THAT'S value. Don't EVER buy movie theater popcorn or soda. $8 for a soda and popcorn is simply robbery, and nothing less.]

ON MAIL

When mailing to the same city, address the envelope or package to yourself and put the name of the person you are sending it to where the return address generally goes. Mail it without postage and it will be "returned" to the sender.

[JD: I deliver all my outgoing in town mail myself, on my bike. I sent out over two hundred of my CDs to various NYC addresses last year, and estimate I saved about $200 in postage by just delivering them myself. To make it extra convenient, arrange to drop it off while en route to somewhere you're going that is near there anyway. (For example, I drop off CDs at The Village Voice when I go to the Bowery Poetry Club on Mondays.) There is no reason why every single person in this city shouldn't ride a bike to get to where they need to go. Public transportation is for the rich, the lazy and the complacent. The elderly and the sick are the ones who pub trans is most appropriate for. This is also a good way to cut out expensive gym memberships and you also have the $80 a month subway fare you can put towards food and rent. Congrats - you just saved $130 per month. And your body is fit on top of it.]

ON HEALTH

In S.T.B., Hoffman references a free clinic, NENA, at 290 E. 3rd St. I'm not sure, but it might be what is now still a low-income clinic (with flexible pay scale) called Ryan-Nena. It's at E. 3rd between B and C. Another tip is to always have a jar of apple cider vinegar on hand. It's a magic cure-all, and if you don't believe me, try drinking a cup of water twice a day with two teaspoons of raw, organic apple cider vinegar mixed in and note the results. It completely cured me of my stomach ailment; something that modern medicine could not do and did not do. And at 2.69 a bottle, it's well worth the value. You can use it to heal everything. Check it out:

(From frugalliving.about.com):

***Our son had a wart growing near the cuticle of his finger, starting to go under his nail. After putting apple cider vinegar on a band-aid and wrapping it on the finger for about a week, the wart was gone and never grew back. Place a new apple cider vinegar band-aid on the wart each night.

***My mother drinks this every day and does not have high cholesterol. My aunt had very high cholesterol and tried a prescription drug for it. The drug caused some liver problems and she had to stop taking it. Then she tried this and lowered her cholesterol by 40 points: 1 quart apple juice, 1 pint purple grape juice, 1/4 to 1/3 cup apple cider vinegar. Drink 1/2 to 1 cup daily.
***If you douse your cold sore repeatedly with vinegar it will dry it up and eventually prevent further outbreaks.

***I was having terrible hot flushes during the day and night until a friend told me about apple cider vinegar. I take 1 or 2 tsp of vinegar with a glass of water 3 times a day or more and the hot flushes are gone right away. The taste is not bad at all and it doesn't upset my stomach. I feel like I'm back in the land of the living!

***I have used vinegar in water for arthritis and it takes the swelling and stiffness away. I use 1 tablespoon in water twice a day. It has given me my life back.

***This was given to me by a chiropractor who checked my urine and told me it was "gunky." Drink 1 teaspoon of apple cider vinegar in 4 ounces of water once a day for 5 days.

***As a child I was plagued with sprains. My grandmother mixed apple cider vinegar with red clay, heated it and made a paste. It was placed on the sprain and then wrapped with strips of an old sheet. After an hour the paste was soaked off with warm water and my sprain was healed.

***I have blepharitis, a recurrent eyelid condition that causes intense itching, redness and swelling. After trying every OTC I could think of (and reading the Vinegar Page) I tried dipping a cotton swab in full strength apple cider vineger and carefully swabbing the affected eyelid 2-3 times a day. Within a week the symptoms were gone! I told my doctor about it and he said just be careful not to get the vinegar in your eyes.

***My husband had a toothache for 2 days and tried all the over the counter relief medicines with absolutely no relief. I had been reading the pages about medicinal uses of vinegar and when I read how it takes the pain out of a sprain and arthritis I figured, "What does he have to lose?" So we put apple cider vinegar on cotton balls and he put it in his mouth and bit down gently for a few minutes. To our surprise his pain was gone. My mother then told me later that her father used to use vinegar for his teeth. Its amazing how the old fashioned "home remedies" really work, and of course they are a lot cheaper. (Note: Always rinse your mouth thoroughly after using vinegar, as it deteriorates the enamel. --Pat)

***For a cough that will not stop, make a remedy my brother and I always called Witches Brew. This was from my Great Grandmother.
Mix 1 Tbs Butter
1 Tbs Sugar
1 Tbs Vinegar
Melt it together, and take while still warm.

***To resolve chronic indigestion or heartburn, take 2 tablespoons of apple cider vinegar in 1 ounce of water each evening after supper.
A reader adds: I suffer from chronic acid reflux where I wake up usually at 2 a.m. regurgitating. I've tried many medications but always quit because of side effects. A doctor said to take two teaspoons of vinegar for the acid reflux. I did it and I now swear by it. For some reason the acid from the vinegar stops the acid from the reflux. In the last six months I have regurgitated only once and that is because I forgot to drink the vinegar.

***When I was growing up whenever one of us caught our finger in a door, Mom would get a cup of vinegar and stick our finger in it. It would sting for a bit but it helped take the pain away very quickly. I think the smell also helped calm us. As an adult I have done this and it still works.

***I have had migraines all my life. I was taking 6 Excedrin tablets a day. I started taking one capful of vinegar, lie down for twenty minutes and the headache is gone!

***One evening while watching tv, I started itching. First my face, then my arms and down the line it went. I discovered I was covered in hives. Apparently I was allergic to something, but what was the big question. Through trial and error I discovered it was penicillin. I was told to soak in a bath of water and vinegar to relieve the itch as I am also allergic to benedryl. It relieved the itch almost immediately, and the hives started to settle. I have since developed an allergic reaction to soy and used the same method to relieve the lumps and itching.

ON FOOD

From a flyer I got at a clothes swap:

Join us for a brief discussion on "freeganism" and a trash tour exploring the massive amounts of usable food that is wasted every day.

MONDAY, Oct. 17th
Discussion at 8:30 PM
Tour at 9:30 PM
Cafe 61 (southeast corner of 13th St. and 5th Avenue)

Freegan.info organizes trash tours to expose the injustice of an economic system where massive quantities of consumer goods are produced and discarded while millions go without basic necessities. We work to expose the impacts of waste, mass production and materialism while advocating resource recovery as a sustainable, ethnical and liberating lifestyle alternative.

For more info & to further explore freeganism, go to www.freegan.info.

ON METERS

Instead of feeding the meter your hard earned quarters, feed it a sliver of aluminum foil. Watch in delight as the meter blinks "out of order". Save those quarters and use them towards rent and utilities, or the outrageous cost of gasoline.

It's an evil, unfair world out there. Lighten your load any way you can, bar hurting others. Good luck!

TIME OUT RAVES ABOUT DELFINO!

What's that old adage about how no publicity is bad publicity? Here's another one for the old press kit.

In reference to "A Night Of Dirty Songs" in this week's music listings, Mike Wolf writes:

"Jessica Delfino is one of those musical comics who plays songs about sex acts and other corporeal functions with deadpan delivery. We don't mind hearing campfire songs about Delfino's vagina; it's more her lack of vocal skills and terrible guitar playing that bother us. Oh, and that she's not very funny."

I would say "um, owie, I guess?" except that I know they wrote that to take a shot at Brodeur, my beau, who is constantly telling them how badly they suck at doing their job because they're always promoting Clearchannel bands and sucking their advertiser's teats. I almost give them credit for writing this blurb about me - for once, they're actually writing about a lesser known artist, though Mike has never even seen me perform. If a dork slams Delfino in the overgrown, unkempt forest of music listings in Time Out NY, will anyone besides Christopher and a few stinky armpitted rock musicians read it? The fact that I'm putting it on my blog actually guarantees that a few people might see it.

They wrongfully assume their readers don't know how to think for themselves. Come form your own opinions tomorrow, Thurs., Oct. 6th at Galapagos in Williamsburg, 7-10 PM on "A Night of Dirty Songs" starring Ahna & Lauren, Stuckey & Murray, Christ's Abortion, Soce The Elemental Wizard and other kids in need of a good mouth douching!

And if you're feeling bold, write to Mike Wolf, call him a fat nerd and dare him to come to the show at mikew@timeoutny.com.

GERD

I've got the GERD
oh, you may have heard
or made an assumption
on a previous word
it's acid reflux
my insides are fucked
the doctors do say
I should be OK
though a rock and roll lifestyle
is mostly to blame
I took acid
a lot as a kid
about 200 times
that's 200 crimes
now the acid is back
in a formal attack
yes, it's come back around
for a late in life round
like Christy the car
in Steven King's yarn
my insides are sore
esophagus tore
Prevacid costs more
than I wish it were

THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHINATOWN AUTUMN

12 ladies doing laundry on their rooftops
11 homeless people in the park across the street at any given time
10 on a scale of 1 to 10 of violent smells
9 day wait to get our toilet fixed
8 bucks for a cup of coffee at the new Starbucks on Delancey
7 times the humidity of a normal summer/autumn day
6 asian teenagers hanging outside on the bottle recyclables bin
5 golden dragon, etc. restaurants and laundry mats
4 people shot in our neighborhood since we've moved in
3 different kinds of fish eye soup
2 people crammed into a tiny one bedroom apartment
and
1 dollar taco bell burritos!

LIVE FOREVER THROUGH THE MAGIC OF COMEDY

Friend and comedian/writer Larry Getlen emailed me this. If any Opie and Anthony fans are reading this, and I know they are, don't submit jokes that you stole from Jim Norton or Opie or Anthony, and don't submit any jokes at all, actually.
______________________________________

Larry Getlen here, with an opportunity for comics to have their jokes and promotional information in a book that will be available in just about every book store in the country.

I am currently writing and compiling THE COMPLETE IDIOT’S GUIDE TO JOKES. Part of the very successful Idiot’s Guide series (over 20 million copies sold), the book will be released in September 2006 through Alpha Books, an imprint of Penguin Publishing. THE COMPLETE IDIOT’S GUIDE TO JOKES will be a reference guide of over 1,500 of the world’s funniest jokes cross-referenced by category, plus advice for the lay person on how to tell a joke in any situation.

Every comic whose jokes are included in the book will, of course, be credited right next to each of their jokes. In addition, the book will include a list of every comedian whose jokes are featured, which means you get a brief bio, including, if you like, your web page address (or, if you don’t have one, your E-Mail address).

Here’s the deal.

1. The main rule for these jokes is, the shorter the better. One-liners or two- or three-line jokes are best. When in doubt, 45 or 50 words is generally a good cut-off. However, if it’s on the fence, or slightly over, send it.

2. Jokes are welcome in every topic.

3. As far as language goes, I’d say if the book was a movie, it would be mostly PG-13 with flashes of R. No NC-17 or XXX. We’re going to generally avoid curse words, but, if a joke is simply brilliant and needs the profanity, we may be able to use it. When in doubt, send it.

4. HOWEVER, as far as subject matter is concerned, this is a book geared toward adults. No topic is off limits.

5. Send as many jokes as you like.

6. I’m looking to receive submissions as soon as possible. The deadline is October 5, but if you can send it earlier, that would be great.

7. Please feel free to forward this message to all your comedian friends.

THE SUBMISSION ITSELF

Please send all submissions to me at zhet_99@yahoo.com.

When sending your submission, please include:

1. Your Name
2. Your Snail Mail address
3. Your bio (including, if desired, your web or E-Mail address) – limit 50 words
4. In the subject line, please put: “Original submission for IDIOT’S GUIDE TO JOKES”

That’s all, folks. Thanks, and I’m looking forward to seeing your submissions on or before October 5.

Job Search Self-Sabotage
by Jessica Delfino

Reply to: see below
Date: 2005-09-14, 2:17PM EDT

We have a new live show in the works and are looking for a magician/illusionist to do a 15-25 minute routine during the show. Our music is instrumental and would work best with non-spoken visual magic. So if you can do any of the following tricks please contact me:
-Rings, Hoops, Levitations (humans or objects), Doves, rabbits, sawing a lady in half (or any variation), mirrors, boxes, card florishes, (ala Jeff McBride) etc. Stage stuff.

I used to do magic as a hobby so I could help with props, and supply female assistants if needed.

Thanks and hope to hear from you.

Dear We,

Hi. I'm a magician, and so it was only a matter of time before I magically uncovered your ad on Craigslist. It wasn't hard, the information came to me in a dream, as I am magic. In the dream, your band was a flock of birds. They flew over my bed, which was floating in a river. I was rowing the bed with a rock. A record player was at the foot of my bed, and Tiny Tim was playing on it. All of a sudden, the birds shit onto the record player and it skipped. This was a sign. I looked at the record and it said, "Craigslist."

This is only some of the magic I can do. In addition to dream decipherage, I can also make napkins disappear, I can pull handerchiefs out of my ears and nose, I can guess the cards which you are holding, and I can levitate, but usually only on Tuesdays.

In your ad, you say you can provide female assistants. I'd like that. I don't need them in my act, but if you could provide them anyway, that would be good.

I am pretty sure I got the job, as I had a dream just now that I did, and you know about me and dreams. No need for me to leave my number, or for you to write back. I'll just appear when the time is right.

Sincerely,
Ned The Dude Who Knows Magic

Back To Stool

Chest pains. Sharp as fuck. 5 am. Woke me up.
Ouch! Ouch, ouch, ouch! Stop it! Stop! What the fuck?
Heart attack or super gas? Stood up. Went away. Phew.
Laid back down. Chest pains. Ouch, ouch! Stood back up.
OK again. Like this for an hour. 5:30 am, taxi to the ER.
Bf mad.

EKG. X-ray. Ouch, ouch! Ouch! Tests. Sleep. Doctor says
Gastritis. Body makes too much stomach acid. Why? Secret.
Prescription Pepcid. Industrial size bottle of Maalox.
When no one is looking, it goes into the purse.

Instructed not to eat! No! Eating helps dilute shittiness of living!
OK, can eat again. Small portions. No chocolate, booze, or pot.
Why? Is life not evil enough?

Medicine daily at noon. Eating small meals.
No tomatoes. No grapes.

Life is changed. Sucks horribly. Can't eat fave foods,
smoke fave drugs. Daily drug requirement. Life is ruined.

Enter pill regimen. No side effects. Til I eat.
Then I trip my ass off. Half hour at a time.

Maybe life isn't ruined after all.

AUDIENCE AND COMEDIANS WANTED

A live webcast is being produced at Helen Mills Theater in NYC today to raise money for the victims of Katrina, that violent bitch. If you are a comedian, come get involved. If you are a comedy fan, please watch. The website is www.enrichamerica.com. All proceeds to go the American Red Cross.

Helen Mills Theater is at 137-139 W. 26th St. in NYC.

Thanks Debbie S. for the info on this.

I saw this listing yesterday...in my mind:

Emotionally overavailable white girl with enhanced ass seeks spiritually, emotionally and mentally mature person to entertain me 24/7. Ideally, you'll be funny in a way I like, rich and handsome (and a non-smoker) with a non-history of violence or incarceration. Preferrably, you will not be running for any political office and have no plans to do so in the future. Should have a spacious place to live, because I'll be moving in. Cats OK. You may have multiple lovers if you insist, but I should warn you that I have a knife and know how to use it. Should take me on improvised mini-adventures and road trips that don't necessarily have a destination. Should have regular hair, no blonde-spiky or half-mullets allowed. Must want to impregnate me and resume half of the responsibility for whatever the result is. Must be okay with spontaneous crying spells.

Any interested parties, please send me a telepathic or holographic message.

CAN'T HELP BUT BE ALARMED

There's this loud-ass alarm that was going off all night long last night. Tonight, it's doing the same thing.

It is a high-pitched, fast, steady beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep!
It's competing for most annoying thing about my block.

MOST ANNOYING THINGS ABOUT MY BLOCK Top Competitors:

***Unplaceable smell of things dead, all the time
***Constant, spontaneous spitting by everyone
***Gangster kids who hit on me when I go to the deli (I'm afraid of them, because they look like they want to rape me, and I'm not just saying that because they're black, or because I think I'm hot, I'm saying that their facial expressions actually seem to be saying, "I want to rape you. Maybe tonight.")(I think the term I'm looking for is "menacing". Perhaps they will read this and change their menacing ways.)
***No place to park my horse
***Benches in the park covered in chewing gum and human filth
***New Starbucks going up on Delancey
***Various diseases and air-borne illnesses running rampant, I'm guessing
***Loud-ass high-pitched fast, steady beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep!
beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep!

LEAST ANNOYING THINGS ABOUT MY BLOCK Top Competitors:

***Super cheap food options, like dollar hot and sour soup, 25 cent ice cream sandwiches and 1.50 slices of good-ass damn pizza (food might not even contain parasites)
***Lots of homeless people to protect me
***Cool neighbors like Reverend Jen and her Troll Museum (located inside of her apartment), AsFour, very cute guy in 4B
***Would like to think of another non-annoying thing but can't hear my thoughts due to a continuous, ear-screeching, bad memory invoking beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep!

This block can be A-OK.

(Photo above: Some neighbors of mine)

Things Assholes Have Done To Me

Wow...I heard it through the grapevine that my songs can now be found on I-Tunes. I haven't actually seen it yet for myself, as my boss broke my computer so I can no longer install or remove any programs. He refuses to claim responsibility for breaking it, even though we both know he did. He's a millionaire, also. I'm a ten dollar-aire, on a good day.

Other things people have done wrong to me:

- A lady yelled at me at Staples the other day when I pulled out my "deli coffee cup as a leather wallet" change purse. She said, "That is disgusting. Just disgusting. Throw it out. You are too pretty to carry that." She rotated those four sentences for about the next six minutes or so.

- My mother birthed me.

- Mayor Bloomberg allows my apartment complex to have flickering hallway lights.

- Jesus hasn't come to save me, yet.

- My cute black kitty ran away from home and never came back.

- Three pounds crept back on me. That, technically is me letting myself down, but I'll blame the pounds themselves, thank you. (That puts me at 5'9", 136 lbs, or "super-hot", just in case any comment-writers are wondering.)

- And finally, my red jacket itches. Thanks a lot, cheap laborers.

I ENJOY MY TITS

Here's a timeline of my flip flaps:

I used to hate my tits so much. (I have, at one time or another, also called them shit balls of ugly and my punching nuts). When I was in grammar school, I discovered my blammos during basketball practice. I was running across the floor, and all of a sudden, I felt the fleshy udders dangling from my chest. I realized I had breasts. How do you have two boobs on your torso and you don't notice? I was 12, and I rarely showered at the time, obviously. 12 year olds don't need to shower. Their vaginas are used for storage only, still.

So, there they were. I loved them the same as any of my toys. I had an Odyssey computer at the time, and would play Pong and Dungeons and Dragons on it a lot. And I had tits. They were like bumper cars, the way I'd smash them into things. It took me awhile to realize that they protruded.

One time, a boy said my breasts were concave.

I found a dollar once, underneath a breast. In the morning, I saw the tooth I'd placed under my pillow was gone.

It's not that my ling lings are small, I don't think they are. I wrote a song when I was 21 about how small they were. Sometimes I sing it. But then people say, "You're boobs aren't THAT small." I start vomiting and call them liars.

It seems like they've actually grown a lot. They've grown and gotten better, without surgery. I don't know what happened. It's like I now have the tits I always wanted when I was 16. It seems like it would have made a bigger difference then. Like, maybe I could have been popular in high school. But now, no one cares. It seems like ALL my friends boobs are great.

Sometimes I like to look at my boobs in the mirror. I squeeze them and then quickly punch them afterwards so God doesn't get mad.

MOVING CAN BE FUN

Especially when you have a friend named Jessica Delfino who comes over to your house and takes your old clothes and practically forces you to pay for half of her lunch.

LIBRARIES CAN BE FUN

Especially when you find a book about dreams that really "speaks" to you, and then two adorable but poorly raised kids loudly sit at the table you're quietly reading at and demand you watch them color for the next fifteen minutes.

TACO BELL CAN BE FUN

Especially when you only have three dollars and they sell those god damn enormous half-pound bean burrito especiales (how the hell can you turn down a half-pound especiale anything?) for one dollar. At that price they must be making them in sweat shops in a foreign land. Either that, or it's not even real bean...it's actually beef, which is cheaper than bean.

HURRICANES CAN BE FUN

Especially when they happen somewhere far away from where you live, and you can watch them on tv without any fear of their mighty power.

RIDING YOQR BIKE IN THE RAIN CAN BE FUN

Especially when you haven't showered in awhile.

Your Music Lesson For The Day...and sadly, and obit.

Moogs are uber popular, but do you know what one is? A Moog is a crazy strange piano-sort-of looking instrument with knobs and levers and buttons which you can push and twist and tweak to create some of the oddest sounds imaginable. A lot of those mysterious synth sounds which we have heard in all the old 70s songs were made using Moogs. Yes, Pink Floyd, Manfred Mann, Led Zeppelin and many other superstars of the 70s and up to today all used Moogs. Rick Wakeman of Yes is still doing work with the Moog Foundation. (He's apparently an executive on the board...) Sadly, the father of the moog, Bob Moog, passed away. His obit and more information is below.

To learn more about moogs, google the word "moog".

From Maximumink.com...

BOB MOOG Dies at 71 of Terminal Brain Cancer

Bob died this afternoon at his home in Asheville, N.C. He was 71. Bob was diagnosed with brain cancer (glioblastoma multiforme or GBM) in late April 2005. He had received both radiation treatment and chemotherapy to help combat the disease. He is survived by his wife, Ileana, his five children, Laura Moog Lanier, Matthew Moog, Michelle Moog-Koussa, Renee Moog, and Miranda Richmond; and the mother of his children, Shirleigh Moog.

Bob was warm and outgoing. He enjoyed meeting people from all over the world. He especially appreciated what Ileana referred to as "the magical connection" between music-makers and their instruments.

A public Memorial Celebration is planned for The Orange Peel for noon, Wednesday, August 24th. Fans and friends can also direct their sympathies or remembrances to Caring Bridge

Bob's family has established The Bob Moog Foundation dedicated to the Advancement of Electronic Music in his memory. Many of his longtime collaborators including musicians, engineers and educators have agreed to sit on its executive board including David Borden, Wendy Carlos, Joel Chadabpe, John Eaton, David Mash, and Rick Wakeman. For more information about the foundation, contact Matthew Moog at mattmoog@yahoo.com.