Tuesday, December 13, 2005


MOMMY, WHAT ARE BLOGS FOR?

This post is in retaliation for a rash of imbeciles who came from Metafilter. I never asked to be posted to Metafilter. I'm just a writin' fool who likes the idea of free, unfiltered thought.

Lest ye wonder what a blog is "for", Imma breakin' it down for you, below, old school style, what a blog means to ME.

1. A blog serves as a virtual toilet bowl wherein I might take my daily written mental crap. Sometimes it's a pretty crap and I can see rainbows and messages from God in it. Sometimes it's just lumpy and useless.
2. It's cheaper and more permanent than notebooks. It will never burn in a fire. That's not necessarily a plus.
3. Blogs serve as a place for me to think out loud without getting punched in the face, at least not immediately.
4. A blog is like an exercise bike for my writing. Anyone's writing gets better with practice.
5. A blog is a place for me to be able to get attention without having to look at random, sometimes annoying faces.
6. It gives me an opportunity to try to be honest without getting yelled at for it. (Well, it was, before the comment section feature was added.)
7. It's a place for me to procrastinate from having to do actual work.
8. It's a way to inflict self-abuse from various angry strangers, if you're into that sort of thing, and apparently, I am.
9. It's a way for me to connect with Wil Wheaton.
10. It's easier than writing html, paying for a server and domain name.
11. Blogs are good for me for writing discipline, something which I sometimes lack.
12. More reasons, as equally as interesting or uninteresting, depending on how much self-hatred you posess.

So stick that in your proverbial pipe and take a puff off it, nay sayers. I never said I was a virtuoso writer. Sometimes I kid and say how hot I am or how smart I am, but truth be told, I'm just like any of you loser jerks, and just like any of you nice apples - I'm insecure at times, and much like you all, my future is full of uncertainty. Several hundred thousand wasted minutes have gone into making this blog what it is - a slightly entertaining thought trough! And that's the way I like it!

I know this one thing for sure though - I'll never, ever again work a day job! And this blog is part of the reason why. That's right - none of the dollars I earn shall go to buy Mr. John P. Corporate Anus Licker a ninth mansion. However, unlike my anonymous haters, many of whom are surely managerial cock yankers, I'll continue to get paid $500 per day to write for TV shows and famous documentarians. I know that must eat you up inside, you haters. Go make someone a photo copy!

So, should you wonder what this is or why I do it, keep in mind - I'm just biding time til death, like any and everyone else, except I'm doing it in a somewhat constructive, sometimes boring, sometimes thought-provoking way.

So go fuck yourselves, you anonymous blog leeching weenies! Get your own fame!

And if you think MY blog sucks, check THIS ONE out!

Thursday, December 1, 2005

THE SECULAR VOICES OF HEAVEN'S HORIZON...

...is my holiday band that sings songs about holiday topics! They're like Christmas carols without the crappiness and cloying holiday spirit of dorky carols. They're cloying all in their own way!

Here are some of our hits:

XMAS IS ILLEGAL - discusses Christmas's breach of separation of church and state laws.
CLEAN YOUR CHIMNEY - asks folks to make the chimney tidy for Santa's descent
ASIAN SNOWMAN - tells the story of a snowman made of yellow snow.
CAN YOU TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK IS KWANZA? - inquires about the "black" holiday celebration growing in popularity.
A DIAMOND SOMEDAY - an optimistic viewpoint from a recipient of a lump of coal.
IT'S A STU-STU-STUTTERING CHRISTMAS - this song celebrates the joys of the season for one family of stutterers.

There are 12 songs on the CD, and also on the CD are the karaoke version of the tracks and a copy of lyrics so you and your family can sing your own holiday carols!

This CD is a lot of fun, and will make a terrific Christmas gift - much better than a GAP gift certificiate. You can order CDs (which are $5) by emailing me at jessdelfino@yahoo.com.

Mushy Crustmas, everyone!

Sunday, November 27, 2005



I SHOULD HAVE BEEN A MODEL

I finally got comments working on my blog again! Or more accurately, a friend of mine finally got comments working on my blog again...but if no one minds, I'll just take the credit myself.

I bet the people who used to write really mean comments on my blog all the time have been going out of their MINDS! What did you meanies do during that time? Did you write mean things on other people's blogs? Did you get OTHER, NEW hobbies? What did you DO with yourselves??? I bet it drove you CRAZY to just have to simply read and ENJOY the awesome writing on this blog without being able to HATE on me! But it's all fixed now! And tis the season to be assholes, so insult away!

And by the way, I don't necessarily mind getting negative feed back, but I'd especially enjoy it if it were accurate, and not just a shameless pack of lies! For example, everyone knows my butt is bootylicious and like an ice cream sunday of pure sunshine.

So..., I was talking to my boyfriend the other day, and he said, "What's the first thing you'd do if you had a penis?" And I said, "That's easy. I'd pee on the walls!"

(That's something vaginas can't do...or not easily, anyway.)

Saturday, November 26, 2005

WHAT IS IN A DUNKIN DONUT?

Has anyone ever wondered? I found the recipe in a great book called, "How To Make The Country Obese and Dead, Especially The Poor Ones." Here is a list of ingredients in a Dunkin Donut:

Flour (made out of bleach and bug spray)
Chocolate colored paint
Diesel fuel
Sprinkles (plastic)
Jelly (cow ooze, FD & C Red)
Blood money
and
Powdered Sugar

Mmmmmmmm!

I'll take a baker's dozen - that's 230!

JOKES ABOUT DONUTS

Why did the donut cross the road?
Because it was tempted by the kid in the kidnapper's van.

Why is there no such thing as a fat free donut?
There's no such thing as a free anything.

How many donuts does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
2: One to hold the lightbulb and one to taunt someone to come over and screw in the light bulb.

I did it! I had a goal today of writing three donut jokes and I wrote them! I wrote it! I did it! I wrote them and it and did it and them! I did it!

REVIEW OF THE DAN DEACON SHOW AT CAKE SHOP LAST NIGHT:

Awesome. Great. Dan Deacon is a magical speaker with a gift for run-on abstract thinking and talking, and a talent for maneuvering miscellaneous electronic gadgets and buttons. His songs are like small parties for retarded kids, with good beats. Also, a shout out to Ecstatic Sunshine, the opening act before him which consisted of two dudes on guitars. They were like The Allman Brothers, if the Allman Brothers were experimentive and chaotic, and one of them were Asian.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

ALL ABOUT THANKSGIVING.
by Jessica Delfino

THE FOOD I PLAN TO EAT ON THANKSGIVING (a partial list):

400 lbs. stuffed mushrooms (stuffed with candy, lemonade and unicorns)
12 jelly donut turkey sandwiches (on homemade poisoned bread)
a hundred handfulls of marshmellows with orange colored somethings that resemble potatos or turnips dip
83 bread crumbs on top of gravy made of the knees of little boys and puppies
35 answers to questions that we will never be able to answer
29 smurf topped sunday salads
16 dashy doodles (a snack that they only make in Europe by doctor's prescription)

THE FILMS I PLAN TO WATCH ON THANKSGIVING (promise):

People On Mars Are Coming To Your House To Attack You!
The Revenge Of The Nerds On Thanksgiving, Part V
Monsters Live In A Scary Place And Want To Eat All Your Leftovers
Magic Dwarves & Flying Castle Places
I Love You, No I Don't!
and finally...
The Movie These Bad People Don't Want You To Ever, Ever See, The Movie!

THE PEOPLE I PLAN TO HUG AND KISS ON THANKSGIVING (in order):

Stranger man #5, saw him once somewhere twice
Chubby but pretty girl 14, hates me but on Thanksgiving (just for Thanksgiving) we will be friends
Boyfriend #9
Unrelated jack ass
Best friend, and best friend and other best friend, and bester friend
Someone I hate! I hate them! But it's Thanksgiving, like with chubby but pretty girl!
Xanax giving out person (but I don't want any Xanax! Just one!)
Comedy Club owning guy who shows up for some reason, I hate you! I hate you! But I will hug you to show thanks for all this delicious food!
Fake Turkey mound

THE PLACES I PLAN TO GO ON THANKSGIVING (and how many times I plan to go to them):

The bathroom, seventeen times
The hallway closet, 9 times
All of the finest dance clubs in town, 1 time each
Chinese Church, once only (to show thanks)

HOW I WILL SHOW MY THANKS:

With a sweater
Under a dark light
In a cup of tea
Without any problems caused by food allergies
By throwing a TV out of the balcony door and down, down onto the ground below my deck
By crying and then wiping all my tears away while looking upwards to God

WHAT I AM THANKFUL FOR:

Keys to jail
Herbal remedies
Cellphones
Penises
Computer programs
Stamps
Guitars
Sisters and Moms and Lovers and Love
Nice places full of people that love me and eachother and heaven
Cars (I wish they ran on kisses!)
Good Food
Soft smily skin
Sleeping through the news
Pens
Colors
Magical, mythical horses

Thursday, November 17, 2005

BACK FROM MY TREACHEROUS, HARROWING JOURNEY!

Did you miss me? Anyone? Hello? (Hello? Hello?) Is there anybody in there?

I am back from being on tour with Lisa Suckdog and what a whirlwind adventure it was! I've summarized it into a poem to keep from having to write paragraph after paragraph recounting fascinating detail after scintillating detail of the whole ding dang ordeal.

LISA SUCKDOG TOUR, CONDENSED, IN POEM FORM
by Jessica Delfino

LA was smelly - I sold 10 cds
The satanists came and some girl attacked Lisa
My old ex bf Brian stopped by the show
we slept at a cool chick named Val's on the floor

SF was happy - we showed up just in time
some fucked up audience chick sang a song about Lisa's behind
The satanists showed up with a vial of their poopy
I busked on the street and I was recognized

Portland was smoky - I damn divad out
asked those yuppies to put their damn cigarettes out
I pissed on the pizza and some chick joined in
Then went to the party of a gay lesbian

Seattle was cozy - an intimate show
The Trachtenburgs came and brought joy to my day
Nothing much happened at that show of note
that night at a guy named Christofurry's I stayed

The tour was successful - the ride home did blow
drove home in a car, it took four full long days
had to stop due to blizzards and some tornados
first thing I heard back in NY was the sirens ablaze

I'm working on a tour diary journal project with accompanying tape, not a ding dang CD. I'm very excited about this project. I kept a detailed, silly journal and kept little mementos within it which I will transcribe and publish. The tape will have songs from the CDs and tapes we listened to and also some recorded dialog, specifically a conversation with Dame Darcy about the Apocalypse and a hilarious story she recounted about the time she stole her ex-boyfriend's car called "The Tale of the Squirrely Jack Rabbit and the Retarded Buffalo."

You can reserve a copy by emailing me at jessdelfino@yahoo.com. They will cost $7.

Saturday, November 12, 2005

THIS POST WAS ON CRAIGSLIST REGARDING CXB:

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/rnr/110544374.html

Show your love! Show up in court on Monday, Nov. 14th at 9 AM, 100 Centre St. Part B.
You don't have to say anything, it just shows the oblivious and blaze courts that CXB has friends and supporters. Ron Kuby will be representing him.

I wish I could be there, I'm in Portland, OR on tour right now. Hmmm...on second thought, maybe I'd actually rather be here.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

SHOW TONIGHT IN LA...

...begins at 9 PM at Il Corral. Lisa Suckdog's birthday was yesterday, so bring her presents and be ready to celebrate...

Here's my lousy birthday poem to Lisa:

Lisa
I just met ya
But already I'm infatuated a bit
I bet you get that a lot
from boys girls and pets
Maybe even inanimate objects
Do trees hug you? Cars? Tables? Fences?
If not, it's only because they have no arms and are like, asleep to the world or something.

But don't be fooled - they too are captive to your charms.

Write and bring your own!

Monday, November 7, 2005

WEST COAST TOUR DETAILS

That's right, Delfino's coming to a venue on the west coast near you with Lisa "Suckdog" Crystal Carver, Dame Darcy and friends. Don't miss this show, it's awesome.

Here is as much info as I have:

Nov 10
il Corral
662 N. Heliotrope Ave., Hollywood, CA
9 PM

Nov 11
7:30PM
Modern Times
888 Valencia Street, San Francisco, CA
415-282-9246

Nov 12
Dunes
1909 NE M L King Blvd, Portland, OR
503-493-8637

Nov 13
7PM
Confounded Books
315 E. Pine St., Seattle, WA
206-441-9880

Hope to see someone there who I know, or someone who I don't know who wants to give me love and good vibes. My quota is full for hate and bad vibes. Try back when things are happy again to help reset the eternal balance in the cosmos.

Sunday, November 6, 2005

Do You Like Free Speech?
The TRUE account of CXB's arrest
by Jessica Delfino

I would like to begin by saying I don't necessarily agree with Christopher's tactics or appreciate his delivery. I've told him before that his delivery stinks. But I don't think he should be brutalized, slandered by the press or have his constitutional rights violated. I also feel this way about every other human being out there. It just so happens I'm invested in this one, and that is part of why this is being written on my blog. I also wrote similar essays about other friends who's rights were violated, such Erzsi Pongo, a very kind and sensitive woman who was chained to a fence for several hours by the police when she was arrested at 2:30 am on the subway for not having any ID. With that being said, I'll begin with my account:

As all good activists have been prior to him, Christopher X. Brodeur, aka CXB was arrested Wed, Nov. 2nd with harrassment A and B charges. The specifics involve him calling a journalist and saying "I could stab you in the face and I'd be a hero like Bernie Goetz". The journalist, named Ben Smith of the Observer, had instigated Christopher by erasing comments he'd written on his blog to later call or email Christopher with approving and accepting comments, and letting him post other comments. In Christopher's opinion, Mr. Smith had been 'covering up lies regarding crimes committed by the Bloomberg administration that resulted in the victimizatin of hundreds of innocent New Yorkers.' CXB also said, I'd never do that, this is not a threat and I have no intention of ever harming you. But they didn't write that in the newspapers. With a quote taken out of context, you could arrest anyone. CXB argues that you could arrest Eric Clapton for saying "I shot the sherrif" because he admitted to shooting a police officer, if you wanted to. CXB and Ben Smith know eachother and have even had a friendly repoire on and off over the summer. Ben kept removing Christopher's ability to comment on his blog, The Politicker, just to give it back a few days later. He'd also edit or delete choice comments which Christopher had written regarding various crimes committed by various politicians, such as Bloomberg arresting protesters during the RNC.

CXB was arrested at his home on Wed Nov. 2nd, after surrendering himself to the police. Police put cuffs on very tight and threw away his lawyer's phone number. CXB went in front of a judge for arraignment on Thursday. The Judge, Patricia Nunez, ordered him to have a 730 remand (fancy speak for psychiatric evaluation) though it was recommended CXB let be released on his own recognisance. CXB got a bail application for the next day after I pleaded with the lawyer to file it. This brought him in front of a second, different judge who would listen and re-consider bail. The second judge said the 730 remand would stay and CXB was held without bail.

According to the law, CXB "doesn't have a lawyer" though he was given a public defender, named Jess Berkowitz. His lawyer didn't return any of his calls over the summer, and his lawyer hasn't visited him in jail. According to research and advice, these things constitute not having a lawyer. So, technically, he was sent to 730 remand without a lawyer. In court, Jess suggested to myself and my friends that we encourage Christopher to pretend to be crazy so the charges will be dropped, which I thoguth was simply unethical, and my opinion was seconded in a conversation with Norman Siegel.

In holding before the trial, CXB was brutalized by police and denied medical attention. I visited him yesterday and saw that his wrists were black and blue, bruised and cut from the tightness of the handcuffs. He said they slammed him into many walls, etc. He thinks he has nerve damage in one hand.

Some points that have come up ni discussions with various lawyers and friends are that the 730 remand or psychiatric evaluation is generally something the defense asks for to get clients off, as in, "My client is too crazy to be held responsible for these crimes." In this case, prosecution asked for a 730 remand, even though CXB has already had a 730 evaluation during a prior arrest (interestingly, just a few days before the Giuliani election - and now, again, just a few days before the Bloomberg election). One can't help but to find that coincidence too coincidential to be a coincidence. The DA even told me that he was pretty sure Christopher would be found fit to stand trial. Everyone knows he will be found fit to stand trial. In addition, most VIOLENT criminals aren't asked to have a 730 remand. CXB has never broken an order of protection or been charged with any violence-related crimes. Many believe this was a means to circumvent due process, and to keep him in jail til at least after the election.

As I mentioned earlier, CXB was already hit with a 730 remand when he was held without bail during the Giuliani election. Coincidence - CXB was taken into custody a week before election to hold him in until a few days after the election on two separate elections? Chris was going to do a huge protest in front of the Observer exposing media and government lies. It was scheduled for just before the election. There is a huge stack of fliers on his desk for this protest as I write this.

The DA, named Duncan Levin (212-335-9302) told the judge at the bail application hearing and said CXB refused to come out of his apt. for three days and resisted arrest. This is not true. He surrendered himself. We have it recorded on video tape. The cops first showed up on Halloween without a search warrant, so he refused to open the door. At 6 pm, the detectives went home at the end of their shift, though they said "We'll be waiting out here ALL night!" It was odd, then, that they weren't around when CXB left to go perform. The detectives knew where he'd be. They even left a note on my bike saying they'd be at the show they thought he was to perform in ("We love the band The Howl! See you later at the Bowery! This was the wrong band and the wrong show, which I thought was funny since they are detectives...) But then a detective called me an hour later on my cellphone to say, "I hear this great band called Haunted Pussy is playing at Irving Plaza tonight. We'll see you there! (The band CXB plays guitar for, Haunted Pussy, opened up for Fisher Spooner at Irving Plaza on Halloween). The detectives never showed up.

The DA, Duncan Levin, also told the judge CXB threatened a 9 month old baby of another journalist. This is simply not true. Christopher did no such thing. I heard the phone calls, and though I wish they had not been made and often disagree with his tactics, I didn't hear anything that constituted as a threat to an infant. The journalist in question here is Maggie Haberman and the infant is her newborn child. He was insinuating that by covering up crimes, she is allowing for her child to be exposed to the same kind of victimization that thousands of New Yorkers are going through on a daily basis.

Duncan Levin should give Christopher a fair fight in court. He doesn't need to say things that are not true if he really believes Christopher is guilty. You can reach him in his office at 212-335-9302 if you would like to tell him this yourself.

I had cash for bail and was there two days in a row waiting to bail him out, but he got the fake 730 remand instead. He's been in jail for 3 days and hasn't even seen a psychiatrist yet. They can do an evaluation asap, but they're putting it off. His lawyer will not return his or my calls or visit him in jail.

Even if you disagree with CXB or dislike him, please don't believe things that are written about him, just because they are written in the paper.

Christopher told me of several people who are being held in the Tombs on violations!! That is less than a misdemeanor crimes!!! That is like this: Imagine going to your parking meter, seeing it's one minute over, and the next thing you know, you are in handcuffs and being taken to jail. He said one man, not from this country, was walking through a playground. Next thing he knew, he was surrounded by 7 cops and being taken to jail, because it is now a law that you can not be in a playground unless you are accompanying a child. What is happening in this country?

Christopher's Book and Case # is: 3490517731. He is currently being held in the tombs. He needs a good lawyer, one who will return his calls and my calls, and one who believes in our constitutional rights. Unfortunately, his lawyer is an 18B lawyer. He's required to do a certain amount of pro bono cases a year, and is only getting paid $10 per hour to represent Christopher. He is probably also busy with other cases and in addition, he might not be sympathetic to or familiar with civil rights, activism or free speech cases.

Christopher is still running on the ballot. Read his 100 Innovations for NYC, which include making it illegal for politicians to lie (like plumbers, carpenters and construction workers, if they promise to fix something and then they don't fix it, they don't get paid.) He also wants to make the subways free, paying for them with the hundreds of other taxes we pay on a daily basis, from buying groceries and snacks to feeding the meters.

If you have any questions or know a good private criminal defense lawyer, please email me at jessdelfino@yahoo.com.

And don't forget to vote on Nov. 9th. Christopher X. Brodeur is still running as a write-in candidate. So, write him in. If you vote for Bloomberg, you are voting for protesters getting arrested at the RNC, you're voting for activists and mayoral candidates being silenced illegally, you're voting for rich people to get richer and poor people to get poorer. You're voting for people getting arrested for going the playground. You're voting for Snapple as the official drink of NYC. You're voting for the status quo. If you want to protest without having to carry signs or wear pachouli, just vote for CXB on Nov. 9th. Write his name on the line. Christopher X. Brodeur. No, he won't win, but voting for CXB is another way of voting for "None of the Above". If you refuse to write in Christopher, write someone else in. Write in your boyfriend, or write in None Of The Above, or write in your friend, or your cat, or yourself. Why don't we have that option on the ballot to begin with?

IF YOU WANT TO HELP BUT DON'T KNOW HOW:

CXB should be in court on Nov. 13th or 14th if you'd like to be there to cheer him on (silently). He'll be at 100 Centre St. You can find court information by calling 646-386-4505 and giving them CXB's book and case # - "3490517731" and asking them when CXB will be going in front of a judge. You can donate money to his lawyer fund on his website at www.mayorbrodeur.org. If you have a friend involved in criminal law or politics who you think might help, you can email me with information. If you have a tv show or radio show, you can tell people to vote for Christopher X. Brodeur or announce his website address, which is www.mayorbrodeur.org. You can tell your friends about this or forward them this link. You can get fliers from me to hand out at your school or shows or workplace or to put in bookstores. You can read his 100 Innovations for NYC and learn more details about this story.

Thank you for your support. Christopher is a mayoral candidate who got 17,000 votes in the primary in Sept. 2005 (running as a democrat) and he also beat Gifford Miller in the Bronx. What makes this special is that Gifford Miller's budget was 5 million bucks, CXB's was $150.

Imagine if he was in charge of the city's budget.

The most important thing we have are our rights. Exercise your rights. Speak out and do your part to stop activists from being jailed and held without bail. Educate yourselves. Don't become sedate and distracted by your Ipods and jobs.

Sunday, October 30, 2005

At Age 29, if you are me -

You develop strange, unannounced esophageal ailments that cause you to lose upwards of 20 pounds. (The weight, not the form of currency)

You wonder if there's a way to simultaneously live in N.Y. and Sweden.

You start to think there are no good men out there at all.

You feel a sudden, psychic, mysterious connection with everyone and everything around you - enemies, illnesses and poverty included, because what else would explain the shittiness of life?

You ponder the meaning of the word "crazy" for real, real.

You desire pound cake by the loaf.

You start sewing for no good reason.

You cut your own hair and don't even give a fucking fucking shit, god fucking dammit!
It's hair and it will grow back.

You buy necessities at the dollar store so you can save up for a medical procedure that your insurance won't cover.

You are criticized by people who wish they could fuck you or be you.

You are forced to quit drinking alcohol and smoking pot, two of the few things that brought some relief into your chaotic existence.

You start to achieve something that was thought to be impossible - like making a living writing songs about vaginas.

You degenerate a tiny, but important and key bit.

Friday, October 28, 2005

SOME PEOPLE HAVE A GOOD SENSE OF HUMOR, EVEN IN DEATH...

Don't cry for her, Argentina - she jumped ship instead of opting for front row seats to the Apocalypse. I wouldn't be surprised if suicide rates increase all over the world in the next 7 years. (2012 is supposed to be a peak year for turmoil, according to the bible and various "angels of death" approaching people in their dreams.)

**********************************************************************************

FREDERICA, Del. — The apparent suicide of a 42-year-old woman found hanging from a tree went unreported for hours because passers-by thought the body was a Halloween decoration, authorities said yesterday.

The body had hung across the street from homes on a busy road since late Tuesday or early Wednesday, state police said. Suspended about 15 feet above the ground, it was visible to passing vehicles.

State police and neighbors said people noticed the body at breakfast time Wednesday, but dismissed it as a prank. Authorities were finally called three hours later.

"They thought it was a Halloween decoration," Mayor William Glanden's wife, Fay, told The News Journal of Wilmington. "It looked like something somebody would have rigged up."

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

END OF TOUR DIARY - Lisa "Suckdog" Carver - DRUGS ARE NICE

I think the past three days were some of the most fun I've ever had in my life. After Philly, we drove to DC in the rain. The worker girl at the club was mean. She didn't know about any reading show thing, acted indifferent and grumpy. The show was great and consisted of Faith and Jude as the opening act - a hippy-looking man played guitar while he and a rastafarian angel woman sang strange, sometimes political ditties; a band who's name escapes me, but who's chaos and costume reminded me a bit of Les Georges Leningrad; Dame Darcy, myself and then Lisa's reading, which ended in complete chaos with the audience getting upheaved, chairs getting knocked over, and skirted asses getting exposed. I guess I might as well say it now, because it's no secret anymore - the grand finale of the reading is a pizza getting pissed on. The grumpy girl bought one of my CDs and her whole attitude changed, until she found out that I was the wig-donning pisser. She then wouldn't talk to me anymore, and complained about having to throw the rug away. I felt badly, until Lisa told me she'd paid $100 bucks for that moldy-assed tarp of a carpet. The LEAST we could have done was pissed on it.

Drove back to Philly in the pouring rain. For some reason, it took us about 15 hours to get home. We stayed at "Lisa" actor Paige Steel's house; who, in addition to being a gracious host and complete saint of a person, did a terrific, magical portrayal (in both DC and Philly) of Lisa in her crazier days. Her house, with three levels, a summer melon-colored couch, shelves full of classics, and a (clean) refrigerator stocked with Limonata and grapes, reminded me of what it must be like to have a normal life.

In the early afternoon, we drove back to NYC, enlightened by a soundtrack of rain, cellphone chatter and Bobby Sherman hits. Later at KGB Bar in NYC, I arrived fashionably late to a packed room with a $65 ticket in hand for riding my bike on the sidewalk. I tried to argue with the cop, but he was too fat and complacent in his cop magesty to understand. There was no stage to perform on, so I stood on the padded seat to play my songs. My set went well, and after my set, the sketches and Lisa's reading went as planned. There was no stage, so the pizza box was put atop a table.

A healthy urine stream douched the table, cleared out about a quarter of the room, and certainly cleared the table. I've never seen five people get up from a seated position so fast in my life.

Later, at the afterparty in Galapagos, another "Lisa" actor, Anna, "Costes" actor Andy (who was brilliant and hilarious as Costes) and myself had a wrestling match covered in ketchup, as Anna and I engaged Andy in a hostile and aggresive pants removal operation. I believe my butt and perhaps a breast got exposed.

The pizza scene got all messed up, so the grand finale was basically "GG" getting a complete golden shower. I was completely sober as my whiz rained down on GG's bare stomach, and was so delighted by the organic chaos of it all, I was bent over, crying actual tears of laughter and ecstacy. And as an homage to the fleeting moments of pure, free, unhindered emotion that are so seldom in my life, I washed the ketchup off my hands in the waterfall of my own waste. My boyfriend still refuses to speak to me over all of this, though I concede that it was a beautiful mess of art and human expulsion.

The best part of the evening was later when I came out to perform some songs with my guitar (and a different outfit). The sound man came over to me and said, "I'm really sorry about this all." I looked at him dumbly. "What happened?" I asked, scrubbing wads of paper towels across the dewy floor boards. "You didn't see what happened? Well, someone pissed all over the stage," he said. "Punk rock!" I exclaimed with a twinkle in my eye, as a purple ketchup-covered wig lay snuggled, mangled in my bag, backstage.

Buy Lisa "Suckdog" Carver's book, "Drugs Are Nice" and try, if you can, to live a life a little less confined.

Monday, October 24, 2005

TOUR JOURNAL - Philadelphia

In Philly with Lisa "Suckdog" Crystal Carver and Dame Darcy and crew. On the ride here, we saw a sticker on the side of a light post that said, "Dog Waste Removal" and a phone number. Picking up a dog's business is apparently someone's business. They just come over and pick up your dog shit...off your...lawn...I guess. Or, wherever...

We arrived in Philly around 5 and went to Franklin Institute to see the Bodyworks exhibit. It was intense, grotesque, profound, stunning, bizarre, provocative, shameless, and other adjectives. This man took people who had donated their bodies to science, and used them to create this huge exhibit with rooms and rooms full of real live dead people posing in all these different poses, from playing basketball, to dancing, to a dead man riding a real dead horse. There were also all these real organs and slices of every body part you can imagine from brains to hearts to livers to fat people's legs, splayed out in cases so you could gawk at them in complete shock, horror and amazement. I've always been acutely aware of my own mortality and being in that exhibit made me even more aware of it. I was a bit overwhelmed with how many poses you can put dead people into. He also posed birds, and the aforementioned horse, and there was also a whole room with a pregnant woman with her stomach cut open to reveal her dead baby, fetuses at every stage of pregnancy, and a bunch of dead babies who'd died in the womb from various causes.

I left feeling a bit like a walking dead person.

The show was at Robin's Books at 7 PM, and it was a fun time. Dame Darcy played some songs on her autoharp, then I played some dirty folk rock songs. We then did a few sketches, which went over pretty crazily. If any of you have ever seen Lisa's stuff, you'll understand what this means.

We capped off the evening at Tattooed Mom's on South Street, making beaded necklaces and belts with the tons of buckets of beads they left out for drunk people to enjoy.

A good time was had by all.

DC tomorrow night, NYC on Tuesday.

Saturday, October 22, 2005

GOING WITH "SUCKDOG"!!!

Alright, so I'm going to be in Philly, DC and then back to NYC with Lisa "Suckdog" Carver's book tour for her new Soft Skull Press book, "Drugs Are Nice". (www.softskull.com)

I will be playing a very memorable (and surprise) role in her reading/sketch, and I will also be performing a few dirty folk rock HITS. (Read:songs about vaginas)

I might even be going West with them in early November when they head to DC, LA, Seattle and Portland, Oregon.

This will be exciting, as I hear that this Lisa character can be kind of unpredictable. I'm looking forward to having a little bit of chaos in my life with someone I'm NOT dating.

The Philly show is tomorrow, Sunday at 7 PM at Robin's Books.
UPDATE ON SUCKDOG TOUR

I will be performing my dirty folk rock on her shows in Philly, DC, and NYC, as well as my surprise role in her reading. I may join Lisa and co as they cross the US to the West Coast and do some dirty ditties in LA, SF, Portland, OR and Seattle. This should take place the second week of November.

More details to come.

If you have never heard of Lisa "Suckdog" Carver, google her and get yourself an underground education.

The show tomorrow night, Sunday, is at Robin's Bookstore, Philadelphia, PA. 7 PM.
Monday in DC, Tuesday in NYC.

Friday, October 21, 2005

THIS SHOULD BE BIZARRE

I'm performing in Lisa "Suckdog" Carver's reading for her new book, "Drugs Are Nice" (Soft Skull Press) at KGB Bar, Oct. 25th at 7 PM. I won't give it away, but my role will be quite memorable. I encourage you all to come and see me do the most daring thing I've probably ever done on stage. After party will be at Galapagos at 10 PM.

If you can't make that show, perhaps you'll be interested in checking out the Philly show on Sunday, October 23 2005 at 7:00pm at Robin's Books. She invited me to go and perform at that show, too, but we're cramming into her small car. So, if anyone has a car and wants to drive down there, let's go and have a little road adventure together.

Here is the info about the Philly show, if you are considering going on a little road trip:

Robin’s Books
108 S. 13th Street
Philadelphia, PA
(215) 735-9600

Here is some more info about Lisa and her book, from Soft Skull Press's website, www.softskull.com:

In honor of her new memoir DRUGS ARE NICE, Lisa “Suckdog” Carver will be doing an unconventional and unforgettable lecture on post punk: why is happened and what went wrong. Accompanied by ethereal comic artist Dame Darcy on the singing saw, Lisa will draw diagrams and dry erase, explaining how chaotic, self-violent, transgressive performers like GG Allin, Suckdog, Lydia Lunch, and The Swans came to be. Also why they didn't wear colors and why they smelled so very bad. She will then turn the room (by top secret methods we would die rather than disclose here!) into a physical representation of ten minutes of the era she like to call "the late 80s, early 90s."

“The 31-year-old married mother from Dover may well be the country’s supreme cultural anthropologist: part literary provocateur, part social analyst. She’s been called everything from this decade’s ultimate underground Renaissance woman to America’s horniest optimist. Hunter S. Thompson in a miniskirt.” –Boston Magazine

“When Newt Gingrich wakes up sweating in the middle of the night with a hard-on and a sense of nameless dread, the face that he sees might be Lisa Carver’s.” –Time Out New York

“Carver is arguably the best-known non-celebrity her age. Try spitting into a poetry slam without hitting someone who hasn’t read her or been punched out by her.” –Utne Reader

And for more info on Lisa "Suckdog" Carver, check out her myspace site:

http://www.myspace.com/drugsarenice

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

NAKED PEOPLE!

Who doesn't love a good naked person all up close? You know why? Do ya? I'll tell you why. It's because in America, nakedness is all secretive - it's a hushy, shushy taboo. The site I'm about to tell you to go to is interesting, because it is simply a long, flowing, moving row of women who are fully clothed - but when you run the cursor over each naked body, it shows the same woman totally naked from head to (camel) toe (except for some reason, they have a different hair-do in the nude pix). You can slow the screen down by moving the mouse to the right and then examine each and every body all up and close.

I felt like I was peeking into a secret room when I saw this - a voice in my head was saying, "Do these people know that they are on the world wide web - totally naked?" Something told me for some reason, they don't know. But I doubt it - if I was naked on line, I would think someone would tell me.

Here's a special added butt bonus: If, while the mouse is rolling over the body, you click the clicker button, it shows the ass view.

NOTE: I didn't say every woman's naked body was perfect, or even hot. But there is something titillating about seeing even an unattractive naked body. I almost feel like part of the artistic "point" of this site is just that - you never can tell what a nude body will look like under its clothes. So, be careful what, or more appropriately, who you wish for.

ONE MORE NOTE: Be careful if you're looking at this at work - it just pops up, and then before you know it, there's all this nakedness all over the place.

CLICK HERE TO SEE NAKED PEOPLE!

Saturday, October 15, 2005

The World Is Too Predictable...

I just heard on 1010 WINS a story about a man who was getting a tattoo that read "Last Rites", when he passed out and fell face first into a glass counter, which shattered and cut his throat.

He was getting a tattoo that read "last rites" and he DIED.

Can this world be any more predictable?

We've all heard stories where a man named "James Killson" killed his son, or "Harry Crimeworthy" was arrested for robbing a bank, or "Jennifer Slutsky" was arrested for prostitution. When will the readability of life end?

Is there any doubt in anyone's mind that I shall die penniless? I'm willing to bet my future fortune on it.

Just for once, I'd like to see a glaring contradiction occur. Surprise me! Let's have a Donald Lovelife commit suicide. Let's have a Sally Poor win the lottery. Let's have a priest rape a child...

Hm. Perhaps there is a little flip-floppery in life to be had now and again, after all.

This just overheard on WINS: A lady and her daughter have gone missing. A friend of the lady is concerned, because she said the lady "hears voices in her head." I didn't even need to HEAR the rest to jump to my own conclusion, but her friend's soundbite detailed, "I'm afraid if she hears a voice that tells her to kill herself and the child, she might follow through."

I wonder what happened to the girl and her baby.

Any guesses?

I'm just throwing this out there, as there's no way that could have actually happened, right? Based on the laws of the predictability of life, she probably just went shopping or visited relatives out of state.

This is the reason I both have no children nor pay any mind to the voices in my head.

It's like aliens or gods are playing a very sadistic game on us all. (NOTE: If I don't someday get to write a book and title it the above line, I'd like it written on my tombstone, please.)

Thursday, October 13, 2005

ON REVOLUTIONARY-ISM and BEING RESOURCEFUL

This is a long but useful entry.

I stole Abbie Hoffman's "Steal This Book" from Barnes and Noble in 1995. I didn't know it then, but I was to learn that the way we are taught to do just about EVERYTHING in life is ass-backwards. There is no way capitalism CAN work for the have nots; it's geared specifically to make the rich richer. If you'd like to be able to live affordably in NYC, the first tip is to steal and read "Steal This Book" from any Barnes and Noble or large chain. Though it is old and much of the information is out of date, the message remains the same - there is a better, more efficient, less expensive way to do everything.

Don't ever steal from a small or independently owned book store. The mom and pop shops are being edged out by the big chains and will soon be gone forever. Some people say stealing is wrong and I agree to a certain extent that stealing is wrong. Stealing money or belongings from friends is wrong. Stealing TVs and Ipods and things of "desire" is wrong. But stealing food or things that are used for survival, especially from large chains, is never wrong. Especially when something that costs pennies to make is sold for dollars, and when the cost of living in NYC is what it is. Even if you have a high paying job, you are getting ripped off by every business every where every day. If you don't believe me, look at your Verizon phone bill and you'll note that we are charged a tax that pays Madison Square Garden's electricity bill. If that is the case, why the hell are concert tickets so expensive? And where does that money go?

FROM STEAL THIS BOOK:

ON PHONES

In our opinion, as long as there is a phone company, and as long as there are outlaws, nobody ever need pay for a call. In 1969, alone, the phone company estimates that over 10 million dollars worth of free calls were placed from New York City. Nothing, however, compares with the rip-off of the people by the phone company. In that same year, American Telephone and Telegraph made a profit of 8.6 billion dollars! Ripping off the phone company is an act of revolutionary love, so help spread the word.

You can make a local 10 cent call for 2 cents by spitting on the pennies and dropping them in the nickel slot. As soon as they are about to hit the trigger mechanism, bang the coin return button.

[JD: I don't know if this would work with 50 cents now or not. I suggest giving it a try. You have nothing to lose, besides 2 cents. Also, VERIZON is the most expensive phone company there is. Bargain hunt and save money. There is also a public assistance program, that, if you qualify for, can save you money on your phone bill. You can also get phone service through the internet for cheap and free.]

ON ENTERTAINMENT

There are many ways to sneak into theaters, concerts, stadiums and other entertainment houses. All these places have numerous fire exits with push bar doors that open easily from the inside. Arrive early with a group of friends after casing the joint and selecting the most convenient exit. Pay for one person to get in. When he does he simply opens the designated exit door when the ushers are out of the area and everyone rushes inside.

[JD: A good way to see free movies is to plan a full day at the movies. Buy a ticket for a noon film, and spend the rest of the day theater hopping from movie to movie. My record is 8 movies in one day. For the outrageous cost of one ticket at $11.00, you are now actually getting your money's worth. I do this about once a month and get seeing all the blockbusters out of the way in one day, for one tenth of the price. For extra value, bring your own popcorn, soda and snacks from home. Now THAT'S value. Don't EVER buy movie theater popcorn or soda. $8 for a soda and popcorn is simply robbery, and nothing less.]

ON MAIL

When mailing to the same city, address the envelope or package to yourself and put the name of the person you are sending it to where the return address generally goes. Mail it without postage and it will be "returned" to the sender.

[JD: I deliver all my outgoing in town mail myself, on my bike. I sent out over two hundred of my CDs to various NYC addresses last year, and estimate I saved about $200 in postage by just delivering them myself. To make it extra convenient, arrange to drop it off while en route to somewhere you're going that is near there anyway. (For example, I drop off CDs at The Village Voice when I go to the Bowery Poetry Club on Mondays.) There is no reason why every single person in this city shouldn't ride a bike to get to where they need to go. Public transportation is for the rich, the lazy and the complacent. The elderly and the sick are the ones who pub trans is most appropriate for. This is also a good way to cut out expensive gym memberships and you also have the $80 a month subway fare you can put towards food and rent. Congrats - you just saved $130 per month. And your body is fit on top of it.]

ON HEALTH

In S.T.B., Hoffman references a free clinic, NENA, at 290 E. 3rd St. I'm not sure, but it might be what is now still a low-income clinic (with flexible pay scale) called Ryan-Nena. It's at E. 3rd between B and C. Another tip is to always have a jar of apple cider vinegar on hand. It's a magic cure-all, and if you don't believe me, try drinking a cup of water twice a day with two teaspoons of raw, organic apple cider vinegar mixed in and note the results. It completely cured me of my stomach ailment; something that modern medicine could not do and did not do. And at 2.69 a bottle, it's well worth the value. You can use it to heal everything. Check it out:

(From frugalliving.about.com):

***Our son had a wart growing near the cuticle of his finger, starting to go under his nail. After putting apple cider vinegar on a band-aid and wrapping it on the finger for about a week, the wart was gone and never grew back. Place a new apple cider vinegar band-aid on the wart each night.

***My mother drinks this every day and does not have high cholesterol. My aunt had very high cholesterol and tried a prescription drug for it. The drug caused some liver problems and she had to stop taking it. Then she tried this and lowered her cholesterol by 40 points: 1 quart apple juice, 1 pint purple grape juice, 1/4 to 1/3 cup apple cider vinegar. Drink 1/2 to 1 cup daily.
***If you douse your cold sore repeatedly with vinegar it will dry it up and eventually prevent further outbreaks.

***I was having terrible hot flushes during the day and night until a friend told me about apple cider vinegar. I take 1 or 2 tsp of vinegar with a glass of water 3 times a day or more and the hot flushes are gone right away. The taste is not bad at all and it doesn't upset my stomach. I feel like I'm back in the land of the living!

***I have used vinegar in water for arthritis and it takes the swelling and stiffness away. I use 1 tablespoon in water twice a day. It has given me my life back.

***This was given to me by a chiropractor who checked my urine and told me it was "gunky." Drink 1 teaspoon of apple cider vinegar in 4 ounces of water once a day for 5 days.

***As a child I was plagued with sprains. My grandmother mixed apple cider vinegar with red clay, heated it and made a paste. It was placed on the sprain and then wrapped with strips of an old sheet. After an hour the paste was soaked off with warm water and my sprain was healed.

***I have blepharitis, a recurrent eyelid condition that causes intense itching, redness and swelling. After trying every OTC I could think of (and reading the Vinegar Page) I tried dipping a cotton swab in full strength apple cider vineger and carefully swabbing the affected eyelid 2-3 times a day. Within a week the symptoms were gone! I told my doctor about it and he said just be careful not to get the vinegar in your eyes.

***My husband had a toothache for 2 days and tried all the over the counter relief medicines with absolutely no relief. I had been reading the pages about medicinal uses of vinegar and when I read how it takes the pain out of a sprain and arthritis I figured, "What does he have to lose?" So we put apple cider vinegar on cotton balls and he put it in his mouth and bit down gently for a few minutes. To our surprise his pain was gone. My mother then told me later that her father used to use vinegar for his teeth. Its amazing how the old fashioned "home remedies" really work, and of course they are a lot cheaper. (Note: Always rinse your mouth thoroughly after using vinegar, as it deteriorates the enamel. --Pat)

***For a cough that will not stop, make a remedy my brother and I always called Witches Brew. This was from my Great Grandmother.
Mix 1 Tbs Butter
1 Tbs Sugar
1 Tbs Vinegar
Melt it together, and take while still warm.

***To resolve chronic indigestion or heartburn, take 2 tablespoons of apple cider vinegar in 1 ounce of water each evening after supper.
A reader adds: I suffer from chronic acid reflux where I wake up usually at 2 a.m. regurgitating. I've tried many medications but always quit because of side effects. A doctor said to take two teaspoons of vinegar for the acid reflux. I did it and I now swear by it. For some reason the acid from the vinegar stops the acid from the reflux. In the last six months I have regurgitated only once and that is because I forgot to drink the vinegar.

***When I was growing up whenever one of us caught our finger in a door, Mom would get a cup of vinegar and stick our finger in it. It would sting for a bit but it helped take the pain away very quickly. I think the smell also helped calm us. As an adult I have done this and it still works.

***I have had migraines all my life. I was taking 6 Excedrin tablets a day. I started taking one capful of vinegar, lie down for twenty minutes and the headache is gone!

***One evening while watching tv, I started itching. First my face, then my arms and down the line it went. I discovered I was covered in hives. Apparently I was allergic to something, but what was the big question. Through trial and error I discovered it was penicillin. I was told to soak in a bath of water and vinegar to relieve the itch as I am also allergic to benedryl. It relieved the itch almost immediately, and the hives started to settle. I have since developed an allergic reaction to soy and used the same method to relieve the lumps and itching.

ON FOOD

From a flyer I got at a clothes swap:

Join us for a brief discussion on "freeganism" and a trash tour exploring the massive amounts of usable food that is wasted every day.

MONDAY, Oct. 17th
Discussion at 8:30 PM
Tour at 9:30 PM
Cafe 61 (southeast corner of 13th St. and 5th Avenue)

Freegan.info organizes trash tours to expose the injustice of an economic system where massive quantities of consumer goods are produced and discarded while millions go without basic necessities. We work to expose the impacts of waste, mass production and materialism while advocating resource recovery as a sustainable, ethnical and liberating lifestyle alternative.

For more info & to further explore freeganism, go to www.freegan.info.

ON METERS

Instead of feeding the meter your hard earned quarters, feed it a sliver of aluminum foil. Watch in delight as the meter blinks "out of order". Save those quarters and use them towards rent and utilities, or the outrageous cost of gasoline.

It's an evil, unfair world out there. Lighten your load any way you can, bar hurting others. Good luck!