Who I Gave My CD To Yesterday

As we learned in my last blog post, I will give my CD to just about any perceived important celebrity type person who I can. As I mentioned before, I kind of use it like a business card, but it's so much more fun than a business card, what with songs any celebrity's grandmother would love.

But I especially love to put it into the hands of other musicians, comedy musicians and special general weirdos. And last night, I gave one to none other than Michael McKean (Spinal Tap. a million other things). What a treat for him that must have been! To have me slink over to him after his show at the Mercury Lounge and say, "That was great! Hey, I brought you a present!" in my most ambitiously confident voice that somehow still certainly came out as mousy and nervous.

He was very gracious, as they usually all are, and took my CD, exclaiming, "Yay, free stuff!"

I should have gotten a photo with him but I didn't. I get nervous sometimes. I'm only flesh and blood and guts underneath these lovely blue eyes and all this thick gorgeous hair.

So let's see what happens now - if my psychic powers are on, of course Michael McKean and I will probably start a new band together and write a bunch of great songs.

Here's an old Spinal Tap video of a song he played last night -- it was so awesome to see this performed live with Less The Band who shared the stage with him.

What It's Like To Meet Ben Folds

...with a little digression on celebrity worship

Living in NYC, you bump into freaks, maniacs, strangers and frenemies that you really wish you hadn't. The plus is that you also literally bump into people on the street who you've dreamed about meeting. This happened to me with Mike Myers, Dave Attell, Colin Quinn and a few others.

It didn't happen to me last night but it sorta did - a "genius" friend of mine sent me a text thatBen Folds was playing at the Apple Store. I live about a five minute bike ride away from there, so I hopped on my bike and whizzed over. I got there just in time to miss Ben's performance, but after he finished his set, he came out to sign autographs and have his photo taken with the small posse of fans who waited patiently, a nice move. He could've snuck out the back door, but he didn't. He came out and collected his fanfare.

I have always been a fan of giving celebrities the celebration that is part of their lives. Without fans, a celebrity is just another wanna be (and probably not a celebrity). I have met celebrities and people who really aren't that famous at all -- including peers of mine -- who act like, "You're all welcome for my presence, it's a good thing I came along and am here right now" and I think it's pretty troubling. There's nothing more disingenuous than a person who thinks they rose to the top all alone. The fans, the agency support, their contacts, their parents, timing and luck have a lot to do with it. Talent is actually a small part of success, I have noticed! Humility is hot. I have a lot of people to thank for the small amount of success I've attained, and some of them are even my enemies! See how humble I am? Don't you think I'm hot now?

I don't gush over many celebs, but there are a few I'd still love to meet, including Joni Mitchell and Cher. There are other celebs I wanted to meet for a long time but after hearing what turds they are to fans and strangers over and over, (and seeing video proof!) I decided, ehh, I'll just listen to their CD's and be good with that. When I hear a celebrity is a creep to their fans, that's a permanent turn off. Sure, they get stalkers and stuff, I know, I have one, and it sucks. But not everyone is an asshole, only the assholes are assholes. What a disappointment though, when someone you really admire turns out to be just a normal shitty human.

Once on Celebrity Apprentice, I saw Cyndi Lauper and one of her apprentices have it out. The girl said she'd been so looking forward to meeting Cyndi Lauper but that Cyndi was really mean. And Cyndi said, "Don't meet your idols, because you'll be disappointed."

It's so true! I'm just going to hide under a rock and never try to meet anyone I admire ever again. :)

Part of me feels guilty for asking a celebrity for a photo sometimes. I shared this sentiment with a friend of mine who's had his photo taken with every single celebrity you can think of(who also happens to be quite a celebrity himself). He said, "Naw, go get your picture with them! Just be polite, don't ask them when their eating with their kids, etc."

There's a good time to pester a celebrity and a bad time.

A good time, might be, say, after a small in-store performance. There I stood, waiting for Ben Folds to come out. I happened to have a copy of my CD in my purse. That's something I've just come to do out of habit - because I never know who I'll meet in this city. I gave a copy of my CD to a famous comedian once and she looked at me like I was the biggest asshole who ever lived. Maybe I deserved that look. Who gives their CDs to celebrities they meet? Only this jerk right here. Maybe it's a cheesy move. But there's a unicorn with a bumper sticker on the front. And it has "My Pu$$y Is Magic" on it. Who doesn't want that put into their hand? (If you're dying to know, ask me sometime in person and I'll tell you who it was.)

But I really wanted to give one to Ben Folds. Unlike the above unmentioned person, who I thought just might get a kick out of hearing another female comedian's work (wrong - I'm an idiot, I accept that), Ben Folds actually really inspired my music. I listened to him hard when I was rockin' the suburbs in college in Philadelphia. It was actually an old comedian friend Stu Kamens who turned me on to him. I fell in love with Whatever And Ever Amen and listened to the shit out of it. "Song For The Dumped" probably inspired half my style.

I also cite Liz Phair, Joni Mitchell and 2 Live Crew as early inspirations, and maybeLaura Kightlinger and Sarah Silverman.

Anyway, back to Ben! He was so gracious and friendly. He took my CD, complimented the artwork and look of it (I believe his exact words were something like, 'Hey, this looks pretty neat') and then said, 'Look at this' and handed it to noted artist Opie Otterstad who was also there, as he designed Ben's new CD artwork, which was pretty freakin' cool.

I had my photo taken with him by my friend David Moye who also has his own photo of himself and Ben, and took a photo of Opie holding my CD, then I went home.

Call me a fan girl, go ahead! I have celebrities I admire, fine, I admit it! I have inspirations in my life. I don't think I'm the greatest creative mind in the world who does everything on my own and doesn't need anyone. I'm not an egotistical maniacal narcissist. But sometimes I wish I were...

If I were, I'd probably be a lot more successful.

Halloween Freakfest!

THIS SATURDAY, Oct. 22

Tompkins Square Park

Ave A @ 7th Street in the park

(East Village NYC)

1-7 PM

Free! Free! Free!

After party at Double Down Saloon, 7 PM

Wear a fun costume! Win a serious butt load of awesome prizes! Enjoy some delicious home made snacks! Get your Halloween spirit out and on! Let your freak flag fly! Get your creative juices flowing! Other cliches!

The Halloween Freakfest, presented by The Shadow and Our Lady Of Perpetual PMS is an annual show in the park, showcasing free indie punk bands, quirky performers and creative creatures of the East Village. This event is always fun, there's always a big crowd and this year, the show will take place on a large covered stage. Our Lady Of Perpetual PMS always comes up with the best costumes, she is one incredibly creative and fun person and she knows how to throw a kickin' party / show.

I have just confirmed my spot on the line-up and am really excited. Now I have to come up with a great costume. Any ideas??? I was thinking about going as a ukulele. Seriously. At least there probably won't be any other people dressed up as ukuleles out there.

Other confirmed acts include: Scum City, Dethrace, G.L.O.B., Ghouls Night Out, Ritz Riot, Lunch Lady, Jennifer Blowdryer and more.

It's going to be awesome and ridiculous and if you don't go, you will miss it. Obviously.

Nerding Out:

A Few Good Words

Thank you to http://internetadvertisingdictionary.com/

for the non-permitted use of their above image. Hopefully they'll accept

this link on my site as gratitude enough.

Today, I went to go visit a friend, and we sat on top of a beautiful roof deck way up high in the sky -- virtually dozens of feet above Manhattan.

During our lovely conversation over iced tea and some kind of ginger soup, he dropped the word "bucolic" on me. I expressed delight in his use of a big, fancy uncommon word. To me, cleverly executed verbiage is a giant turn on.

I *told* you I was a nerd.

At first, I thought I'd never heard the word before, but later when I looked it up on my trusty Mac dashboard dictionary, I recognized it.

adjectiveof or relating to the pleasant aspects of the countryside and country life : the church is lovely for its bucolic setting.
Calloo callay! What a word!!
It got me to thinking about words that I love for various reasons, so I compiled them together to share a list of some killer selections from the English lexicon.
ClobberDidacticSoliloquyJocundFeralTersePriggishUnfetteredTenacityShrillCretin (honorable mentions go to Obtuse and Retarded)SlogTraipse
OK, that's enough good words for now. Add the ones I forgot in the comments below.

SCHWAG BAG GIVEAWAY WINNERS!!

The schwag bag drawing was this past weekend, and two winners have been randomly chosen to receive a small bag (or a small box, really) loaded with schwag and goodies from the Den of Delfino Giveaways Chest.

And the winners, are, drumroll, please....

1. Your Favorite Guncle at Gmail

2. SLK 2635 at Gmail

CONGRATS!! I have sent out e-mails notifying those who won that they have won. I need those people to write back and send me the mailing address which they'd like their packages to go to. SLK's email bounced, so I'm going to give SLK a day or two to see this post. If I haven't heard back in a few days, an additional runner up has been chosen who I'll reveal then.

To those who did not win, please read my blog more often, and please try again.

In other news --

There was another Chinese funeral in my neighborhood this morning. I watched from out my bedroom window in my PJs as I sipped a cup of hot licorice tea. I have a beautiful view from the corner perch out my window, all the way up Ludlow Street. I liken it to a widow's watch in a dirtier part of town. I fancy a drug dealer's wife watching out the window, waiting for her love to return alive.

At the funeral, the marching band played as the line of livery cars pulled into traffic jam tightness all the way up Ludlow Street to Broome. One livery cab drove by the officiators too fast and sprayed them with street water.

In one car, several men got in who were all dressed in yellow with pointy jester looking hats.

There's something absolutely gut wrenchingly delightful about Chinese funerals. They appear to be a somber yet energetic celebration of life. When I die, I want a very specific and colorful funeral like that: a band playing, hired mourners, livery cabs.

I have been obsessed with the darker side of life since I was a child. I think the movie Beetlejuice had something to do with it, that and Poltergeist being one of the first adult movies I ever watched (and Stephen King's Cujo being the first adult book I ever read).

A friend and I have just begun a new spooky band together, which I'll tell you more about soon. We are called "The Coffin Lickers" and we are going to do A Very Haunted Halloween Show in December, so keep your eyes out for that.

I also have a field report from a recent Occupy Wall Street visit that I'll share soon.

That's it. You can go about your normal day now.

Occupy Wall Street Field Trip

So I went down to check out Occupy Wall Street's Liberty "Zuccotti" Park and I have to admit, I was a little disappointed with what I saw. Maybe I hit it at an off time. Some things were definitely interesting, like the library and people who were "doing things" - handing out pamphlets, holding signs, making art. Some people though, were just being really gross. I don't think that's what Occupy Wall Street creators had in mind. But I could be wrong.

Sure, one man's gross is another man's awesome, I guess...? But I had hoped to see a little more protesting and a little less Grateful Dead show parking lot action. I'm surprised I didn't see people with their fingers up in the air, "miracling" global change, though that would have been pretty funny, and some form of protesting.

What I saw there was what I grew up with as a kid in Maine, going to catch Phish shows. Lots of dreadlocks on white dudes, teenage runaways with no idea what to do next with their life, and

people getting high. I get it, they may be lost, confused, unable (or interested) in finding work. They're taking a piece of what was taken from them. And I have so many gripes, too. I have a worthless college degree. But I also made a lot of mistakes and bad choices because I didn't really have the guidance I could have used, and I wouldn't have probably listened, anyway. But regardless, I'm a protester, I'm one of the 99%, I'm a supporter. However, when I saw trampled flowers in the garden, it struck me as really fucked up, coming from a group of so called caring individuals.

Maybe I'm getting old, but the whole thing was upsetting to see. Maybe what I saw was exactly what I was supposed to witness.

Intrinsically, I feel that Occupy Wall Street is a good thing. I saw a cartoon online that showed on the left, a jail cell full of protesters with a sign that said "People arrested for protesting at Occupy Wall Street", next to it was an empty cell with a sign that said, "Bankers arrested for destroying the global financial system". I was moved by the cartoon ten times more so than the actual protest.

It made me remember the power of art and music, and why I trudge on, and do what I do. I'm so much more useful to the world writing demented and sometimes insightful songs than I am behind a desk at an office, a worker bee helping some rich guy to get richer. No thanks. I'll take seminal success (or is it semen-al?) and just making ends meet.

I am hopeful that between Occupy Wall Street and the artists and people out there working for change, change will happen, though realistically, I just can't see how it's possible.

I say this, because, the thing I took away most from Occupy Wall Street was the dreaded feeling I've had ever since I was old enough to understand things: Everything is messed up, and the flaw is not just within the system, but within humanity.

And how the hell are we supposed to fix that?

Calling All Lovers Of Dirty Folk Rock

In The Schenectady Area

(or anywhere, Really)

Are you sad because nothing fun ever happens in your town? Are you stick of partying with trees because you have only a few friends and they are all dumb and you're bored of them?

I'd like to make you an offer: No matter where you are in the US or Canada, if you buy me a Vespa scooter exactly like this scooter, I will perform a kickin' ass dirty folk rock show in your town. I will bring friends. I will bring a party. So get your small gang of lousy friends together, save up your money from the crappy job (or maybe the great job) you have, dip into your trust or college fund, use some of the money pop pop left you, ask Uncle Tim or mom n dad for a hand out, have a lemonade / bake sale, or what have you and lets. do. this.

This scooter happens to be located in the Schenectady area, which I know is kind of all Stephen King-y, so especially calling all people of Schenectady and lovers of Dirty Folk Rock in the Schenectady area: If you buy this scooter (or another of equal or higher value, ideally pink) for me, I will come and pick it up and do a kickin' concert at your home, business or place of your choice. 100% PROMISE!

Does this sound crazy? Mmmm-hmmm. But I love to travel and I am always looking for excuses to do out of town shows. So let's me get Vespa-fied!

Comedy Music Is No Longer A Homeless Person

That's right, comedy music now has a home. It now lives at "Calling All Twisted Minstrels and Comedy Musicians" which is a sister blog to this site at www.twistedminstrel.blogspot.com. Post comedy music auditions and information there. Share your comedy music links and videos. This site is meant to alienate all other forms of comedy. COMEDY MUSIC ONLY.

Q: Can I post a sketch I wrote about bangin' my friend's mom? It's really funny but it doesn't have any comedy music in it.

A: NO

Q: Can I post a video of me talking about Occupy Wall Street? It's really funny but it doesn't have any comedy music in it.

NO

Q: Can I post a funny mp3 of a song I wrote about falling down the stairs?

A: YES

Q: What if I play funny songs on guitar, ukulele, glockenspiel, french horn, dulcimer, piano, singing saw, trumpet, in the punk genre, to mock funny songs, in a foreign language, badly, was famous 20 years ago, etc?

A: GREAT. It is all welcome at the Twisted Minstrel Comedy Music blog.

Q: Why Twisted Minstrel?

A: Because I like it. Also, because there is going to be a comedy music festival of the same name. COMING SOON so stay "tuned", ya know, tuned, like a guitar you use to make comedy music.

Email everything comedy music to clef coda at gmail dot com. Clef will be handling all the Twisted Minstrel Blog needs.

What else? Well, thanks for asking. We also now have a Twitter page and a Facebook page.

Q: Damn, you move fast!

A: That's not a question, but thank you.

This community is for YOU, comedian musician, so please utilize it, add to it, share it, pass it on, comment, make suggestions and keep doing what you do, even if comedians think we're dorks and musicians hate our guts. Just remember: haters be hatin because they are jealzies. Jealzies of our luscious creative ambidextriousness.

Now get out there and make a YouTube video for your song that gets stuck in everyone's head at work for the next 4 days!

True Love

So, these two just got married. It must be true love! She's 85 and he's 60. She's a rich Spanish duchess, he's a civil worker.

But I could see how he may care for her, even though she looks like that lady who was attacked by a monkey. She's probably had an amazing life and surely has tons of great stories to tell - 85 years worth of them. Plus, she's Spanish, and everyone knows the legend of the latino lovers (they are supposedly very good in bed).



Here are 5 other possible reasons why the Duchess of Alba Cayetana Fitz-James Stuart y Silva (which is only a portion of her name) and her husband Alfonso Diez have made it official.



#1: What turns him on are women who are beautiful strictly on the inside.



#2: Cougar-dom is all the rage these days. But, when both parties are practically senior citizens, you can't really say she's robbing the cradle. More technically, he's robbing the grave, amiright?



#3: He was raised by his grandmother and so now he has a thing for GILFs.



#4: He spent his formulative years listening to the song "Duke of Earl" by The Four Tops and it intrinsically influenced him to pursue Dukedom.



#5: He really, really, really wanted to quit his day job.



In all seriousness, I really wish the two much hapiness. It's not easy to find people to love, especially when you're 85, unless you're rich, but they found each other, and does it really matter what the reasons are? The bottom line is, this woman has surely lived an exquisite life, and who wouldn't want to be part of that? (And be a duke!!?!?)

Worst Cook In America

* aka *

"Delfino's Dishes and Delicacies"

I happen to think I'm a very, truly "ok" cook. I make recipes that I think will taste good while sort of being low in fat and cholesterol. Today, I prepared what I would characterize as a mouth watering entree for lunch.

First off, let me just mention that this afternoon was terrific. I spent it in Hoboken filming a segment for Otto & George's "Pig Roast" show. It was really funny show and each and every single person I came into contact with today from Otto & George (Awesome) to Brian O'Halloran (Clerks, etc) to Mr. Pregnant to all the producers and assistants were top notch super-humanly sweet and awesome. It was really refreshing to work with a group of people as NON-uptight and unpretentious as them. I can't remember the last time I worked with such a great group, top to bottom. It's been a long time.

However, I had to walk a mile and a half to the studio and back from the PATH train. I couldn't find a cab and I succumbed to walking, telling myself over and over, "It's good for your fat ass, I mean, it's good for your big bones."

When I got home this afternoon, I was literally famished. So I decided to whip up a delightful little meal which I'll call Salmon Snatchatorri.

A few weeks ago I was supposed to audition for the TV show "Worst Cooks In America" but it didn't happen. If "Worst Cooks" sees this recipe, call me. I know I suck. But a girl's gotta eat.

Salmon Snatchatorri

Ingredients:

1/4 avocado, ripe, chopped (so good but so fattening)

1 tsp light mayo which I borrowed from my roomie (sorry, roomie!)

1 can chick peas (YUM)

a few chops of purple cabbage

a handful of those clear chinese style bean thingies

wasabi almonds (wasabi peas would surely work, too)

hot sauce of your choice

canned salmon

1/4 c. water

2 tsp soy sauce

1 tbsp nutritional yeast

1 tbsp hummus

Directions:

Combine peas, cabbage, bean type thingies, wasabi almonds, water, soy sauce and nutritional yeast into pan. Cover, place on medium flame. Leave unattended. In a bowl, combine salmon, mayo and avocado, mix until it looks disgusting. When the veggies are soft and wilty and cooked (10 minutes or so) remove from flame. Leave stove on for kicks. Scoop out a large spoonful of veggies and place in bowl of salmon mush. Top with hot sauce and hummus. Eat while your cat attacks you and tries desperately to sneak its' paws into your food.

If you love this recipe, check out my Vagina cookies. They're good for you. Just kidding, they're really not. But they do taste good and are virtually STD free.

a few chubby vagina cookies

photo credit: Rachel Kramer Bussel

What's In The Giveaway?

Great question. I advertised a giveaway on my blog a few days ago, and I was just putting the gift bags...er, boxes together to send out. So far, only a handful of people have entered, but maybe you'll excitedly comment with your email address and tweet "Win a bad ass bag of schwag from @JessicaDelfino at http://www.jessydelfino.blogspot.com" once I elaborate on "what's in the box!!!" BONUS POINTS if you also list what movie that last line is from. It's an easy one.

OK, here's the breakdown:

-- one bag has a vibrator, one bag has a porn DVD and lube from Pleasure Chest

-- 3 juggling balls from PBR

-- a tote bag from KongMagazine

-- a mouse pad and some stickers from FunnyNotSlutty.com

-- my "Famous" and "Perfect Christmas" CDs and a rape whistle

-- a bunch of other miscellaneous schwag including tee shirts and stuff

I don't like to put monetary value on priceless items, but I'd say it's probably worth about...

mmm...hmm...$60.

But I'm not gonna beg you to enter. Please enter! Please! Help me get this stuff out of my house. And share the legacy of dirty folk rock with friends and loved ones.

OK that's it for now.

I think I'm going to wander down to Occupy Wall Street today. A lot of people seem confused about what they are standing for, but I actually really get it. I found and read this great list which really helped it click for me. But I can't find it now. So here's another one that shares some of the sentiments in a more personal way.

Cleaning Out My Closet:

It's "Dirty Folk Rock Fashions" Thursday

I'm trying to clear out some of my stage fashions and since I'm getting married and all, I figured why not sell this stuff. Weddings aren't cheap, ya know. They cost like, 1 billion dollars.

I have lots of good clothes, too. I've even been celebrated for my great fashion sense, believe it or not.

Most of my clothing is for the "ladies" and I put it in parenthesis because, who knows if they are really ladies or not? Plus, it can also be for men who dress like ladies and for the new third gender too, I'm not even going to take a stab at how to refer to them because I'll probably eff it up and offend a whole generation of sexy manladypeople. If you know, please share in the comments section. And of course, "men" are totally welcome to buy some of this stuff too, to please their "ladies" or moms or grannies or wear themselves.

I think I just came up with a killer tag line:

"Dirty Folk Rock Fashions - Great for grannies and trannies."

Today on Dirty Folk Rock Fashions:

These lovely lady gloves are an NJ estate find. They are very nicely trimmed along the edge with black "waves" and are cut asymmetrically at the bottom. Great for burlesque or just wearing to look damn fine. They are brown, made of very soft synthetic fabric. They are vintage gloves, they do not smell old or musty and they have a tag inside of them that says, "Made In Germany". They are sized at 6 and 1/2 in the tag. I would call them a small to medium size.

You can buy them here and now for $15.00.

To see other items I have for sale, visit me on eBay. I am building up my eBay page and hope to have lots of stuff up there soon. As always, I'm also doing an outdoor Dirty Folk Rock Fashions sale this Saturday to clear out some of this stuff, so please feel to stop by the intersection of Ludlow and Canal if you are in NYC and check out my vintage stage wear. You'll find dresses, shoes and pretty vintage clothing, mostly ranging in size from 6-12.

If you'd like to see someone else's great finds, check out this gorgeous leather jacket on Farmhouse Garden, my sister's Etsy page. I like her style very much. She's also a great seamstress, collects and sells many sewing patterns and makes a lot of her own clothing, so if that is your thing, check out the nice little web community she is helping to build.

Delfino's Dungeon of Schwag Goodie Giveaway

+ Free Advertising

I have a giant collection of schwag such as pretty colored guitar strings, vibrators, stickers, CDs, tee shirts and more that companies, friends, sponsors and what have you have given to me over the years and it's time to do a little fall cleaning.

So I'm passing the goods onto you. I am giving away 2 schwag bags full of goodies to 2 of my readers. Who will it be? To win this schwag, it is so easy. Just do what the nice lady tells you to do:

1. Follow me on Twitter http://twitter.com/jessicadelfino and tweet: Follow @jessicadelfino for a chance to win a schwag bag including guitar strings, sexy toys and other goodies. Follow me on blogger or like my Facebook page.
2. Comment on this post with your name and email address (like this: "so and so at gmail dot com" so the spam bots don't get it, or you can post your Twitter handle).
3. Contest will run until Oct. 15th, 2011. I’ll be drawing 3 winners via electronic raffle.
4. Free advertising for you! I'll post the winner and their website here on my blog and on my Facebook page, and contact the winner via the email address left in the comment section.

Let's do this. Who wants pretty colored guitar strings and a vibrator, dammit?

10 Things I Hate About Myself

I wrote a post a few months ago about just a small sampling of the things I hate about Florida and not so surprisingly, it got the most comments I've had on a blog entry in awhile. Most of the comments were appreciative, because most people agree that Florida is the most "fart stain like" state in the 50 states and I will stand by that sentiment.

However, one anonymous person got upset enough by the post to leave this comment:

This is so dumb "wal-mart people"? What ? Lets write 10 things you hate about yourself

By Anonymous on FIVE THINGS I HATE ABOUT FLORIDA I've hated Flori... on 9/25/11

I was delighted! And I accept this challenge. Please enjoy, "10 Things I Hate About Myself",

inspired by the boner that obviously has never seen the beauty and art that is PeopleOfWalmart.com.

(I love calling people boner, it is what my dad used to call my sisters and I as kids and I've never

outgrown how hilarious I think that it is to refer to someone as a boner.)

NOTE: I'd like to add I am really playing devil's advocate here. I am all about self love, Whitney Houston style, and I am very happy, most of the time. I'm just digging around to do a little self exploration. Voila.

1. I hate my face. I have had a lot of time to get used to my face. I know every crooked crevice, I

know about my weird teeth that are exactly like my grandfather's teeth, I know about the little

irritating chicken pock scars that disguise themselves as "character" and the various moles

which if I were just one point uglier on the ugly scale would be brutally held against me. I am okay with

myself as a human, but I am so tired of my own face. One angry weirdo on Facebook recently

described me in a vicious rant as "plain looking" and I agree so much my neck is about to make

believe fall off from metaphorically nodding. Why couldn't I be born with a nose like a dirt road in

Italy or eyes like shimmering compact discs? A chiseled chin or aggressive eyebrows? Anything

at all would be better than the utter normalcy I've come to find disgusted comfort in.

2. I hate my fear of flying. I've heard of these people who do this thing where they get on planes

without incident and go places. I sweat and shake for weeks up to the departure date, I can't enjoy

my trip for the entirety of the trip because I'm fearing the return flight, and then I wheeze and

nervously look around for cracks in the fuselage until I'm running down the tarmac screaming,

"We did it!" after landing. I just can't help but internally insist that fate has something very special and extra

horrific planned for me and I really don't want any part of it.

3. I hate how I little I've achieved in my life. I look around and I see failure in everything

I do. My friends and family and peers are constantly reminding me how much I've done but all I see is the

black void where mountains of success should be. "But you make people laugh, that is so important" some shit head

says to me from time to time, and I respond by sitting hard on the fist that is urgently pursuing the

fleshiest part of their face. Me making people laugh is the absolutely least I could have done with

my life. And I'm not broke but I sure ain't rich. But at least I've done slightly more than nothing at all.

4. I hate how negative I am deep down inside, and not so deep inside. Underneath this

excruciatingly plain face and hair and these cornflower blue eyes lies a dark and twisted person full

of hazardous thoughts. I self-medicate with yoga, salad, creativity, love, therapy and work addiction, so I

manage to avoid falling into those emotional tar pits for the most part. But they're still there. Where

do you think those dark, demented songs and jokes come from? A happy life and a chipper childhood?

5. I am too aware of my faults. I wish I could go back to being 4 years old when climbing trees was

the most important agenda of the day. But I can't. And I will die at some point, never having been

able to go back to that time. It's gone. And I hate that. And that is a flaw. And there are a million

others where that one came from. For example:

6. I can't cook. I was recently going to try out for the show "America's Worst Cooks" because I am

bad at cooking. Everything I cook tastes like cereal and toast and undercooked eggs, because that's

what it is. I can make peanut butter and jelly with some skill, and I don't burn pasta anymore, but I

will add spirulina to everything I eat until the day I die and if I could blend and eat every meal in

smoothie form I would.

7. I am a terrible sick person. When I am sick, I cry and whimper, and I am helpless and baby like.

I make everyone around me wait on me and help me. I reduce my voice to a whine and really ham it

up so that my boss and anyone else I come in contact with will hear the cold in my voice and will

immediately send me home to have some chicken soup. When other people around me are sick though

and try those tricks, I get mad and selfish for my own health. I grumble and say, "Why aren't you

home? You're going to make everyone sick." And by "everyone" I mean "me".

8. I am selfish and exhibit myriad other flaws of humanity. Is this getting too deep? Should

I be writing funnier flaws?

9. I have an ethnic fro. Everyone always says to me, "Your hair is so beautiful!" and that punching

fist starts getting ornery again. You want my hair, I want your hair. I have pubic hair hair. I have

literally pulled out a hair from my head and it was a foot long pubic hair. That is the opposite of

beautiful to anyone except perhaps Larry Flynt. Big, wiry, thick, curly, weed-like, naturally dreading

bird's nest hair is my lot in life, along with issues 1-8, and many, many more.

10. I'm too nice. I just wanted to throw that one in because that's the one that women always

say. "I'm too nice," they say, after their boyfriend broke up with them and they left his man parts

in tact. I don't think that's anyone's real life problem, ever. I think that is a problem that you say

when a boss asks you to outline your short comings.

And there you have it, "anonymous", if that's your real name - 10 Things I Hate About Myself. Now it's your turn!

Ukuleles Are Fun (with Mermaids)

I wrote a new ukulele theme song for the re-generation of uke lovers out there, keeping in mind the old timey uke sounds of yesteryear. It's called, "Ukuleles Are Fun (with Mermaids), and it's jaunty, fun, and PG clean, because I have lots of little new friends now who hear me on podcasts and then ask why I say bad words (Insert Kirstie Alley style bang blow here). I tell them it's because there's no Santa, and then I sip whiskey out of a flask, all Krusty the Clown like, that I keep hidden in a carved out bible.

Enjoyyeeeee!

I'm leaving tomorrow for a 5 day retreat in my home town in Maine to sit, write, drink wine, relax, swim, hang out in a boat or on a beach, get the crud eaten out of me by the skeeters, catch up with some old high school pals and write a ton of new songs and jokes. Well, that's the plan, anyway. I'll end off the ordeal with my sister's weekend Maine wedding, and then I'll scurry back to the city all refreshed and loose for two weeks until I need another vacation.

So if you don't see me online for a few days, I didn't quit social media, I'm just, like, in the woods, man, and I don't have modern devices like internet stations and cell phone operations. I can't wait. It gets so dark and quiet there it's like you're in outer space. Except you're not. You're in Maine.

Freeze Dried Pets

Here, Cisco listens to his favorite Huey Lewis and the News jam for ever.

Yesterday, I went to TriBeCa, one of the coolest parts of town to teach a ukulele lesson to these really cool artsy women who are, well, let's just say doing pretty well in life, who live in those huge fantasy lofts that are sorta unheard of nowadays unless you want to pay like, 10 gs a month on them, with those giant windows that drench everything with that golden yellow sunlight, brimming full of gorgeous antique furniture and objects d'art, like velvet couches and polished wardrobes and a freeze dried cat...wait, what?

Yes, you read correctly, freeze. dried. cat.

I noticed it when we first sat down but I refused to let my brain believe what I was seeing, so I just ignored it and chirped all smily about getting our ukes out and tuning them up. However, my eye line kept returning to the cozy kitty in an eternal sleeping position atop a table. Finally, my brain said, "Believe it, bitch" and I did. I actually stopped the lesson in a somewhat comical way, something like this...

"Now, you may find the Bb chord is kind of tricky at first, but with practice, your fingers will be able to easily find their way to it, and um, I'm sorry, but is that a dead cat on top of your table?"

My student stopped, smiled slightly and nodded her head lightly, as if she'd been asked that question a million times.

"Everyone always comments on the cat," she said, "but no one ever seems to care about the armadillo." I looked around the room for this armadillo, and found it way up high on top of a 14 foot tall china cabinet, turned around so you could only see part of it. Hey, maybe if Armi the armadillo was curled up into a bowl shape with pretzels in it a stone's throw away, I might have noticed him. But he's not and the cat is, so here we are.

"Mr. Lucky," she said, indicating the cat had a name. "He's freeze dried." I mean, I'm weird and wacky, but this was even beyond my odd mentality in some ways. I do have plans to have myself mummified at my own funeral so that I'm wearing my favorite red suit holding my guitar in one hand with a "rock" hand symbol raised above my head with the other. And I get and even appreciate taxidermy to a certain extent. But freeze drying your pet cat? I'd just never heard of anything like it before.

"Is it your cat?" I asked. "No," she said. "It was someone's cat," she explained. I didn't want to suck up too much time as I was being paid by the hour and paid well, so I just let it go at that.

When I got home, I googled "freeze dried pets" and I came up with this. You must click to see, because words can't describe the feeling it gives you in your "oh my" part of your brain.

One thing I love about life is that every day we have the chance to see and learn and do something different and new. Sometimes it's something kinda weird, illegal or just plain wild. But it's always something new.

*New*

Dirty Folk Rock Fashions Lilac Dress

I've been selling my vintage stage outfits (and pieces I collected for the stage but never wore for some reason or another) and it's been a lot of fun. I've got the "sell" in my soul, my mother used to sell vintage items, antiques and what not to take care of us when we were kids.

She'd find a dresser in the garbage of a friend of mine's house and pull up in front of it, humiliatingly shining the headlights onto it and through their kitchen window as they watched in wonder. "Grab the other end of this," she'd command, and I'd obediently slink out of the car and help, utterly mortified.

I can't wait to pass memories like this on to my kids. Hopefully they'll be better kids and more understanding than my sisters and I were.

My mom used to also have barrels of vintage clothes. I don't know why she kept them in barrels, but she did. Every so often, she'd bust out a barrel, dust it off and crack open the top. Inside were flapper dresses, high heels, furs, hats with lace and rhinestones on them, long gloves and more. We would dress up and goof off for hours as my mom took pictures and helped us try things on.

Still to this day, I love dressing up. I was wearing a regular old pair of pants and a normal shirt the other day and I ran into a friend at a show. He said, "You look so plain I didn't recognize you!" Guess I better start stepping up my game.

Come check out the things I have on eBay. While on tour, during my spare time, I'd peruse shops and collect great vintage finds at estate sales, thrift stores, yard sales, some of them were gifts, such as a pair of red roller skates I'll probably post soon. I have a purse that Tyra Banks gave me which I may sell soon, as well. I had two, I gave one away to Julie Atlas Muz.

I don't have to sell this stuff, but I want to make room for new things, get rid of some older items and clear out the closet. I'm purging, one might say.

Here's a pretty flowered Laura Ashley "Pretty In Pink" style dress. I love this one, it's so delicate and lovely. But it's too small for me in the middle. I thought I might lose enough weight to wear it in some temporary anorexic spell, but it never happened. I just like eating too much.

Most recently, I posted this purple 70s princess coming out gown. Bidding starts at $3. Enjoy!

Next week I'll be in Maine on a writing retreat / home town visit / sister's wedding. I promise to bring back some new goodies to share!