FIVE THINGS I HATE ABOUT FLORIDA
I've hated Florida my whole life. You'd think a serial killer killed me here in a past life or something, which wouldn't surprise me considering they have the highest serial killer ratio per capita according to a statistic I just made up. I have family here who I love so once a year or less I suck it up and do something else I hate doing - I fly - down to Florida to spend as little time here as one can possibly spend in a time frame requiring a round trip flight.
But why do I despise the land of giant human sized bugs so besides all the banana spiders and killers? Let's investigate.
The banana spider, shown here, is Florida's state mascot
and will kill you while you sleep, for fun
1. Every time I see a story in the news about Florida, it's about how teens killed their best friend, or how a mom killed her daughter, or how somebody killed someone. It's never about how children discovered a new species of fauna or how a dog saved a man from drowning. When the news can't even find fluff pieces here, cause too many killers be killin' people up in this bitch, we have a problem.
2. There are a lot of "people of Walmart" looking folks freely roaming the streets. Sure, there are good looking people too, I've seen upwards of 1-2 in the three days I've been here. But I've come to realize that in Florida, stripper heels are normal wear and scruffy older Bud Light hat wearing guys holding beers and singing to me are my average bar company. Does Bud Light even know about the people who wear their merchandise?
3. I am a dolphin (Delfino means dolphin in Italian) and I love the water and have since I was a kid. But even the lovely pools can't help me to shake my unshakeable inner disgust at this state. Even a gorgeous blue pool can't give this pool lover an attitude adjustment and / or some inner piece. Why, you ask? Because alligators climb into people's pools and eat them on a regular basis.
4. The highways are full of terrible drivers - people rushing to get to the dog races or go beat their wives or go to what ever other place deplorable shit heads hang out, swerving around like maniacs and cutting you off on the high way like they are practicing for a high speed chase from the police. I'm not sure if it's that people here just don't know how to drive or that people here don't just don't know how to drive sober.
I'd like to say, I love the old people here. There should really be a law that you must be over 60 to move to Florida. They are my favorite thing about this god forsaken place. But the fact that there are so many of them driving here may contribute partially to reason #4 that I hate Florida. And that makes me hate Florida even more - this state makes me afraid of the old people I normally love.
5. Start to google Florida. Don't even finish typing the word. And see what comes up:
OK, theres the lottery, the DMV, and unemployment as the top 3 - some of the most absolutely horrifying and dreaded things ever created. Doesn't that make you almost want to shed a tear? Aquarium barely makes it any better, because this whole state is a swamp. If this isn't the most deplorable, despicable place in the 50 nifty, I dare you suggest where else trumps it.
To conclude, I'll share a story that pretty much sums up my every Florida experience:
My sisters were hanging out at a bar and a man walked up to them. He reached over, grabbed the lighter off their table and said, "I'd ask you for a light, but that would be polite." He lit his cigarette, returned the lighter and said, "I'd say thank you, but then I'd be a gentleman."
My awesome hilarious sister who doesn't take no Florida BS said to him, "Listen, buddy, you can either buy us a round of drinks or get the hell outta here."
I hate Florida!