Sunday, July 24, 2011


I've hated Florida my whole life. You'd think a serial killer killed me here in a past life or something, which wouldn't surprise me considering they have the highest serial killer ratio per capita according to a statistic I just made up. I have family here who I love so once a year or less I suck it up and do something else I hate doing - I fly - down to Florida to spend as little time here as one can possibly spend in a time frame requiring a round trip flight.

But why do I despise the land of giant human sized bugs so besides all the banana spiders and killers? Let's investigate.

The banana spider, shown here, is Florida's state mascot
and will kill you while you sleep, for fun

1. Every time I see a story in the news about Florida, it's about how teens killed their best friend, or how a mom killed her daughter, or how somebody killed someone. It's never about how children discovered a new species of fauna or how a dog saved a man from drowning. When the news can't even find fluff pieces here, cause too many killers be killin' people up in this bitch, we have a problem.

2. There are a lot of "people of Walmart" looking folks freely roaming the streets. Sure, there are good looking people too, I've seen upwards of 1-2 in the three days I've been here. But I've come to realize that in Florida, stripper heels are normal wear and scruffy older Bud Light hat wearing guys holding beers and singing to me are my average bar company. Does Bud Light even know about the people who wear their merchandise?

3. I am a dolphin (Delfino means dolphin in Italian) and I love the water and have since I was a kid. But even the lovely pools can't help me to shake my unshakeable inner disgust at this state. Even a gorgeous blue pool can't give this pool lover an attitude adjustment and / or some inner piece. Why, you ask? Because alligators climb into people's pools and eat them on a regular basis.

4. The highways are full of terrible drivers - people rushing to get to the dog races or go beat their wives or go to what ever other place deplorable shit heads hang out, swerving around like maniacs and cutting you off on the high way like they are practicing for a high speed chase from the police. I'm not sure if it's that people here just don't know how to drive or that people here don't just don't know how to drive sober.

I'd like to say, I love the old people here. There should really be a law that you must be over 60 to move to Florida. They are my favorite thing about this god forsaken place. But the fact that there are so many of them driving here may contribute partially to reason #4 that I hate Florida. And that makes me hate Florida even more - this state makes me afraid of the old people I normally love.

5. Start to google Florida. Don't even finish typing the word. And see what comes up:

OK, theres the lottery, the DMV, and unemployment as the top 3 - some of the most absolutely horrifying and dreaded things ever created. Doesn't that make you almost want to shed a tear? Aquarium barely makes it any better, because this whole state is a swamp. If this isn't the most deplorable, despicable place in the 50 nifty, I dare you suggest where else trumps it.

To conclude, I'll share a story that pretty much sums up my every Florida experience:

My sisters were hanging out at a bar and a man walked up to them. He reached over, grabbed the lighter off their table and said, "I'd ask you for a light, but that would be polite." He lit his cigarette, returned the lighter and said, "I'd say thank you, but then I'd be a gentleman."

My awesome hilarious sister who doesn't take no Florida BS said to him, "Listen, buddy, you can either buy us a round of drinks or get the hell outta here."

I hate Florida!


brandon myrmel said...

I myself am inpartial to the continental portion of florida but i enjoy the keys easy life chill people just,simple,its like every island is a neighborhood and everyone knows everyone maybe the keys could renew some faith but i doubt that it would make you like florida but you said to find a place worse than florida and id have to say maybe not the whole state but a good portion of michigan is terrible flint,detroit and everywhere surrounding but that is just me my most hated state though would be oklahoma, where Gorgia O'keeffee found any insperation in that place will always remain a mistery to me.

Mike said...

I read this while on vacation in Boynton Beach. Hilarious. I love your writing style.

Jessica Delfino said...

Thanks, Mike :)

Anonymous said...

Dear Dolphin Friend, I hate FL
too.I live in central FL and I think the people here are really backwoodsy and 20 years behind the times. All (almost) the cops think you're bad~
you know, guilty until proven innocent. And you're singing to the choir when it comes to the drivers~half of them are jabbering on their cell phones~icould go on..

Anonymous said...

This is so dumb "wal-mart people"?
What ?
Lets write 10 things you hate about yourself.

Jessica Delfino said...

Dear "Anonymous", if that's your 'real name' - thank you for the heart warming comment. I took your clever advice and I wrote an essay called "10 Things I Hate About Myself" based on your sharp insight. I hope you enjoy it!

Anonymous said...

How validating. I moved here in August and hate it. Other wonderful qualities I have experienced in Florida.
1. Lizards that won't stay out of my house.
2. Rats in my back yard.
3.Crime. The swat team, helicopters, drug dogs, etc...chasing robbers in my back yard.
No. I dont live in a crappy hood. I live a block from the ocean next to million dollar homes. My house is a work in progess. Which leads me to my next point.
4. Shady contractors who hire illegals to work for them and then don't show up to do the work. Guess it is common here for out of state homeowners to be "had" by local contractors.
5. Public schools. No comment necessary. Visit one in Florida. Try Deerfield beach.

Anonymous said...

I see this is an old post, but I just found it because I was actually googling "I hate Florida." I am from Michigan and moved here because, like other kids from Michigan, Florida was a magical vacation land filled with princesses and roller coasters and water parks that you could go to all year long. Boy was I mistaken! Unless you actually live in Disney World, Florida is filled with dirt bags from all the other 49 states, natives who were educated by the horrible public school system, and a bunch of crabby old snow birds who make it a hobby to irritate those of us still young enough to actually have somewhere to be at a certain time. It is a state filled with backwoods hillbillies and pseudo-Southerners who replace charm and hospitality with fakeness and knifing you in the back. Just because you drink sweet tea, it doesn't mean you are Southern gentle folk! I am looking for the first opportunity I can find to flee from this soggy appendage to the United States!

Anonymous said...

Michigan is far superior to Florida!!! Michigan has natural beauty that the swamp called Florida does not!!! Detroit is not as bad as it is unfairly touted, in fact it is getting better all the time! There are many upscale suburbs in Detroit. At least Detroit is not a 3rd world city like Miami,Orlando, etc. Grand Rapids is the best city in the country to live in and visit!!
I will take Michigan over shitty Florida any day!!!

sarah H. said...

I hate Florida. I have my father there who is 73 years old retired. And i never want to go to the state of Florida again!!The crime is so bad there on one highway a sign says If you kill someone we will kill you! From the state of Florida!! And if you are driving at the speed limit someone will literally run you over!!!!there are many rascist, prejudice, bigots there. i will never go to florida. my dad comes and visits our family out of the state!! This is a great blog!! Thanks!