Running a show every week is hard work. If you want an audience, you have to promote the show. I'm not a promoter. I'm a comic, using the term comic 'loosely.' I have compiled an e-mail list of about 1000 names which I send one (1) email out to every week. I used to send two, but I decided one is enough. Now granted, I did put most of the names on the list without actually asking permission from the people, but I assumed no one would care, it's just an email, and it's a great show.
In the two months that I've been sending out this email list, I've gotten straight up HATE mail regarding being removed from the list. People have threatened the children I don't have now and never will, people have called me names, people have verbally assaulted me and my intelligence which is none of their business, and have otherwise just been really nasty. Don't get me wrong, the people who are supporters of the show are really nice. But the others are just, well, retarded.
It's funny, because they always begin with hello.
REMOVE ME!!! REMOVE REMOVE REMOVE!!! I hate your stupid chicken emails, You are a witch! DIE! DIE! DIE!
Director of Childrens' Services
The Kindness Society
Normally, it's common knowledge - if someone wants to be removed from an email list, they only have to write and ask, and then they are removed. However, when people start to get nasty, I say why be the bigger person? I have a special knack for being small minded and petty. I've managed to hide it away, but when I receive letters like this, it draws it out of me
REMOVE!!!!!! email@example.com... your constant unsolicited emails
Now, why? Why does it have to be like that? Let's give your letter a little face lift.
What's with all the other crap? No need to get personal, cunty.
Hey, just in case any of you naysayers are wondering, here's my take on it:
YOU are irritating ME with your stupid 'remove' requests.
PS. Don't YOU email ME anymore. YOU take ME off YOUR list!
This kind of treatment prompted me to send out this email on my Believe Chicken emailing list:
The Believe Chicken Promise:
We promise not to remove anyone's email adress from the E-mail list,
ever, even if they ask. That's the Believe Chicken Promise.
In recent months, a hand full of wack jobs and crack pots have
requested to be removed from the Believe Chicken E-mail list. We aren't sure what
their problem is. Maybe they hate their fathers. Maybe they don't know what
the future holds and they are scared. Regardless, requests to be removed
from the Believe Chicken E-mail have been considered, and then not honored.
Though this is probably illegal and may even technically be considered
cyber-terrorism, BC has stood with conviction by this promise. We
feel, once you are in the Believe Chicken system, you are in for life.
If you insist on being removed, we will consider your request, too, but
not honor it. Just do the following.
HOW TO BE CONSIDERED FOR REMOVAL;
If you are interested in being removed from the list, be sure to
include ALL of the following:
-a letter of request for removal
-two forms of ID (valid)
-a head shot (in duplicate)
-time, date, season, reason, and a word that rhymes with season and
reason and how it relates to you not wanting to be on the mailing list
-birth certificate (original copies only, we can not and will not even
try to accept photocopies)
-one (1) five minute tape of you saying why you would like to be
removed from the BC list. Try to be as expressive as possible. (*VHS format
-an MP3 of your favorite song (the song better be good)
Materials can not be returned, even if you send a SASE. As a matter of
fact, make sure to include a SASE. We can not make a promise to honor
anything ever. The only promise we can make is to NOT honor any
requests. At Believe Chicken, like Roq, we keep our promises. Thank you.
BELIEVE CHICKEN @ NIGHTINGALE
13th St. and 2nd Ave. Manhattan
EVERY THURSDAY 7-9 PM (Happy Hour 6-8 PM)
THE SHOW IS FREE FREE FREE FREE (no drink min.)
MCS: Jessica Delfino and Liz Laufer
THIS WEEK AT BELIEVE CHICKEN:
And super special surprise drop-by guests who you're gonna wanna see!!!
Be there. Believe Chicken.
**CONTACT US AT: Jessdelfino@yahoo.com or Lizlaufer@aol.com. We're
waiting to hear from YOU!**
And you know something? After sending out that email? I realize the whole thing is kind of silly. It's not a big deal. So what? People are rude without warrant and verbally attack me on a daily basis. That's what being a stand up comedian is all about. But just for the record, I'm not going to take any crap. Suffer the hard way, losers and Believe Chicken enemies. That's right. Now you're gonna have to hit delete.