Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Who I Gave My CD To Yesterday

As we learned in my last blog post, I will give my CD to just about any perceived important celebrity type person who I can. As I mentioned before, I kind of use it like a business card, but it's so much more fun than a business card, what with songs any celebrity's grandmother would love.

But I especially love to put it into the hands of other musicians, comedy musicians and special general weirdos. And last night, I gave one to none other than Michael McKean (Spinal Tap. a million other things). What a treat for him that must have been! To have me slink over to him after his show at the Mercury Lounge and say, "That was great! Hey, I brought you a present!" in my most ambitiously confident voice that somehow still certainly came out as mousy and nervous.

He was very gracious, as they usually all are, and took my CD, exclaiming, "Yay, free stuff!"

I should have gotten a photo with him but I didn't. I get nervous sometimes. I'm only flesh and blood and guts underneath these lovely blue eyes and all this thick gorgeous hair.

So let's see what happens now - if my psychic powers are on, of course Michael McKean and I will probably start a new band together and write a bunch of great songs.

Here's an old Spinal Tap video of a song he played last night -- it was so awesome to see this performed live with Less The Band who shared the stage with him.

Friday, October 21, 2011

What It's Like To Meet Ben Folds
...with a little digression on celebrity worship

Living in NYC, you bump into freaks, maniacs, strangers and frenemies that you really wish you hadn't. The plus is that you also literally bump into people on the street who you've dreamed about meeting. This happened to me with Mike Myers, Dave Attell, Colin Quinn and a few others.

It didn't happen to me last night but it sorta did - a "genius" friend of mine sent me a text thatBen Folds was playing at the Apple Store. I live about a five minute bike ride away from there, so I hopped on my bike and whizzed over. I got there just in time to miss Ben's performance, but after he finished his set, he came out to sign autographs and have his photo taken with the small posse of fans who waited patiently, a nice move. He could've snuck out the back door, but he didn't. He came out and collected his fanfare.

I have always been a fan of giving celebrities the celebration that is part of their lives. Without fans, a celebrity is just another wanna be (and probably not a celebrity). I have met celebrities and people who really aren't that famous at all -- including peers of mine -- who act like, "You're all welcome for my presence, it's a good thing I came along and am here right now" and I think it's pretty troubling. There's nothing more disingenuous than a person who thinks they rose to the top all alone. The fans, the agency support, their contacts, their parents, timing and luck have a lot to do with it. Talent is actually a small part of success, I have noticed! Humility is hot. I have a lot of people to thank for the small amount of success I've attained, and some of them are even my enemies! See how humble I am? Don't you think I'm hot now?

I don't gush over many celebs, but there are a few I'd still love to meet, including Joni Mitchell and Cher. There are other celebs I wanted to meet for a long time but after hearing what turds they are to fans and strangers over and over, (and seeing video proof!) I decided, ehh, I'll just listen to their CD's and be good with that. When I hear a celebrity is a creep to their fans, that's a permanent turn off. Sure, they get stalkers and stuff, I know, I have one, and it sucks. But not everyone is an asshole, only the assholes are assholes. What a disappointment though, when someone you really admire turns out to be just a normal shitty human.

Once on Celebrity Apprentice, I saw Cyndi Lauper and one of her apprentices have it out. The girl said she'd been so looking forward to meeting Cyndi Lauper but that Cyndi was really mean. And Cyndi said, "Don't meet your idols, because you'll be disappointed."

It's so true! I'm just going to hide under a rock and never try to meet anyone I admire ever again. :)

Part of me feels guilty for asking a celebrity for a photo sometimes. I shared this sentiment with a friend of mine who's had his photo taken with every single celebrity you can think of(who also happens to be quite a celebrity himself). He said, "Naw, go get your picture with them! Just be polite, don't ask them when their eating with their kids, etc."

There's a good time to pester a celebrity and a bad time.

A good time, might be, say, after a small in-store performance. There I stood, waiting for Ben Folds to come out. I happened to have a copy of my CD in my purse. That's something I've just come to do out of habit - because I never know who I'll meet in this city. I gave a copy of my CD to a famous comedian once and she looked at me like I was the biggest asshole who ever lived. Maybe I deserved that look. Who gives their CDs to celebrities they meet? Only this jerk right here. Maybe it's a cheesy move. But there's a unicorn with a bumper sticker on the front. And it has "My Pu$$y Is Magic" on it. Who doesn't want that put into their hand? (If you're dying to know, ask me sometime in person and I'll tell you who it was.)

But I really wanted to give one to Ben Folds. Unlike the above unmentioned person, who I thought just might get a kick out of hearing another female comedian's work (wrong - I'm an idiot, I accept that), Ben Folds actually really inspired my music. I listened to him hard when I was rockin' the suburbs in college in Philadelphia. It was actually an old comedian friend Stu Kamens who turned me on to him. I fell in love with Whatever And Ever Amen and listened to the shit out of it. "Song For The Dumped" probably inspired half my style.

I also cite Liz Phair, Joni Mitchell and 2 Live Crew as early inspirations, and maybeLaura Kightlinger and Sarah Silverman.

Anyway, back to Ben! He was so gracious and friendly. He took my CD, complimented the artwork and look of it (I believe his exact words were something like, 'Hey, this looks pretty neat') and then said, 'Look at this' and handed it to noted artist Opie Otterstad who was also there, as he designed Ben's new CD artwork, which was pretty freakin' cool.

I had my photo taken with him by my friend David Moye who also has his own photo of himself and Ben, and took a photo of Opie holding my CD, then I went home.

Call me a fan girl, go ahead! I have celebrities I admire, fine, I admit it! I have inspirations in my life. I don't think I'm the greatest creative mind in the world who does everything on my own and doesn't need anyone. I'm not an egotistical maniacal narcissist. But sometimes I wish I were...

If I were, I'd probably be a lot more successful.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Halloween Freakfest!
Tompkins Square Park
Ave A @ 7th Street in the park
(East Village NYC)
1-7 PM
Free! Free! Free!

After party at Double Down Saloon, 7 PM

Wear a fun costume! Win a serious butt load of awesome prizes! Enjoy some delicious home made snacks! Get your Halloween spirit out and on! Let your freak flag fly! Get your creative juices flowing! Other cliches!

The Halloween Freakfest, presented by The Shadow and Our Lady Of Perpetual PMS is an annual show in the park, showcasing free indie punk bands, quirky performers and creative creatures of the East Village. This event is always fun, there's always a big crowd and this year, the show will take place on a large covered stage. Our Lady Of Perpetual PMS always comes up with the best costumes, she is one incredibly creative and fun person and she knows how to throw a kickin' party / show.

I have just confirmed my spot on the line-up and am really excited. Now I have to come up with a great costume. Any ideas??? I was thinking about going as a ukulele. Seriously. At least there probably won't be any other people dressed up as ukuleles out there.

Other confirmed acts include: Scum City, Dethrace, G.L.O.B., Ghouls Night Out, Ritz Riot, Lunch Lady, Jennifer Blowdryer and more.

It's going to be awesome and ridiculous and if you don't go, you will miss it. Obviously.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Nerding Out:
A Few Good Words

for the non-permitted use of their above image. Hopefully they'll accept
this link on my site as gratitude enough.

Today, I went to go visit a friend, and we sat on top of a beautiful roof deck way up high in the sky -- virtually dozens of feet above Manhattan.

During our lovely conversation over iced tea and some kind of ginger soup, he dropped the word "bucolic" on me. I expressed delight in his use of a big, fancy uncommon word. To me, cleverly executed verbiage is a giant turn on.

I *told* you I was a nerd.

At first, I thought I'd never heard the word before, but later when I looked it up on my trusty Mac dashboard dictionary, I recognized it.

adjectiveof or relating to the pleasant aspects of the countryside and country life : the church is lovely for its bucolic setting.
Calloo callay! What a word!!
It got me to thinking about words that I love for various reasons, so I compiled them together to share a list of some killer selections from the English lexicon.
ClobberDidacticSoliloquyJocundFeralTersePriggishUnfetteredTenacityShrillCretin (honorable mentions go to Obtuse and Retarded)SlogTraipse
OK, that's enough good words for now. Add the ones I forgot in the comments below.

Monday, October 17, 2011


The schwag bag drawing was this past weekend, and two winners have been randomly chosen to receive a small bag (or a small box, really) loaded with schwag and goodies from the Den of Delfino Giveaways Chest.

And the winners, are, drumroll, please....

1. Your Favorite Guncle at Gmail
2. SLK 2635 at Gmail

CONGRATS!! I have sent out e-mails notifying those who won that they have won. I need those people to write back and send me the mailing address which they'd like their packages to go to. SLK's email bounced, so I'm going to give SLK a day or two to see this post. If I haven't heard back in a few days, an additional runner up has been chosen who I'll reveal then.

To those who did not win, please read my blog more often, and please try again.

In other news --

There was another Chinese funeral in my neighborhood this morning. I watched from out my bedroom window in my PJs as I sipped a cup of hot licorice tea. I have a beautiful view from the corner perch out my window, all the way up Ludlow Street. I liken it to a widow's watch in a dirtier part of town. I fancy a drug dealer's wife watching out the window, waiting for her love to return alive.

At the funeral, the marching band played as the line of livery cars pulled into traffic jam tightness all the way up Ludlow Street to Broome. One livery cab drove by the officiators too fast and sprayed them with street water.

In one car, several men got in who were all dressed in yellow with pointy jester looking hats.

There's something absolutely gut wrenchingly delightful about Chinese funerals. They appear to be a somber yet energetic celebration of life. When I die, I want a very specific and colorful funeral like that: a band playing, hired mourners, livery cabs.

I have been obsessed with the darker side of life since I was a child. I think the movie Beetlejuice had something to do with it, that and Poltergeist being one of the first adult movies I ever watched (and Stephen King's Cujo being the first adult book I ever read).

A friend and I have just begun a new spooky band together, which I'll tell you more about soon. We are called "The Coffin Lickers" and we are going to do A Very Haunted Halloween Show in December, so keep your eyes out for that.

I also have a field report from a recent Occupy Wall Street visit that I'll share soon.

That's it. You can go about your normal day now.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Occupy Wall Street Field Trip

So I went down to check out Occupy Wall Street's Liberty "Zuccotti" Park and I have to admit, I was a little disappointed with what I saw. Maybe I hit it at an off time. Some things were definitely interesting, like the library and people who were "doing things" - handing out pamphlets, holding signs, making art. Some people though, were just being really gross. I don't think that's what Occupy Wall Street creators had in mind. But I could be wrong.

Sure, one man's gross is another man's awesome, I guess...? But I had hoped to see a little more protesting and a little less Grateful Dead show parking lot action. I'm surprised I didn't see people with their fingers up in the air, "miracling" global change, though that would have been pretty funny, and some form of protesting.

What I saw there was what I grew up with as a kid in Maine, going to catch Phish shows. Lots of dreadlocks on white dudes, teenage runaways with no idea what to do next with their life, and
people getting high. I get it, they may be lost, confused, unable (or interested) in finding work. They're taking a piece of what was taken from them. And I have so many gripes, too. I have a worthless college degree. But I also made a lot of mistakes and bad choices because I didn't really have the guidance I could have used, and I wouldn't have probably listened, anyway. But regardless, I'm a protester, I'm one of the 99%, I'm a supporter. However, when I saw trampled flowers in the garden, it struck me as really fucked up, coming from a group of so called caring individuals.

Maybe I'm getting old, but the whole thing was upsetting to see. Maybe what I saw was exactly what I was supposed to witness.

Intrinsically, I feel that Occupy Wall Street is a good thing. I saw a cartoon online that showed on the left, a jail cell full of protesters with a sign that said "People arrested for protesting at Occupy Wall Street", next to it was an empty cell with a sign that said, "Bankers arrested for destroying the global financial system". I was moved by the cartoon ten times more so than the actual protest.

It made me remember the power of art and music, and why I trudge on, and do what I do. I'm so much more useful to the world writing demented and sometimes insightful songs than I am behind a desk at an office, a worker bee helping some rich guy to get richer. No thanks. I'll take seminal success (or is it semen-al?) and just making ends meet.

I am hopeful that between Occupy Wall Street and the artists and people out there working for change, change will happen, though realistically, I just can't see how it's possible.

I say this, because, the thing I took away most from Occupy Wall Street was the dreaded feeling I've had ever since I was old enough to understand things: Everything is messed up, and the flaw is not just within the system, but within humanity.

And how the hell are we supposed to fix that?

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Calling All Lovers Of Dirty Folk Rock
In The Schenectady Area
(or anywhere, Really)

Are you sad because nothing fun ever happens in your town? Are you stick of partying with trees because you have only a few friends and they are all dumb and you're bored of them?

I'd like to make you an offer: No matter where you are in the US or Canada, if you buy me a Vespa scooter exactly like this scooter, I will perform a kickin' ass dirty folk rock show in your town. I will bring friends. I will bring a party. So get your small gang of lousy friends together, save up your money from the crappy job (or maybe the great job) you have, dip into your trust or college fund, use some of the money pop pop left you, ask Uncle Tim or mom n dad for a hand out, have a lemonade / bake sale, or what have you and lets. do. this.

This scooter happens to be located in the Schenectady area, which I know is kind of all Stephen King-y, so especially calling all people of Schenectady and lovers of Dirty Folk Rock in the Schenectady area: If you buy this scooter (or another of equal or higher value, ideally pink) for me, I will come and pick it up and do a kickin' concert at your home, business or place of your choice. 100% PROMISE!

Does this sound crazy? Mmmm-hmmm. But I love to travel and I am always looking for excuses to do out of town shows. So let's me get Vespa-fied!

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Comedy Music Is No Longer A Homeless Person

That's right, comedy music now has a home. It now lives at "Calling All Twisted Minstrels and Comedy Musicians" which is a sister blog to this site at www.twistedminstrel.blogspot.com. Post comedy music auditions and information there. Share your comedy music links and videos. This site is meant to alienate all other forms of comedy. COMEDY MUSIC ONLY.

Q: Can I post a sketch I wrote about bangin' my friend's mom? It's really funny but it doesn't have any comedy music in it.

Q: Can I post a video of me talking about Occupy Wall Street? It's really funny but it doesn't have any comedy music in it.

Q: Can I post a funny mp3 of a song I wrote about falling down the stairs?

Q: What if I play funny songs on guitar, ukulele, glockenspiel, french horn, dulcimer, piano, singing saw, trumpet, in the punk genre, to mock funny songs, in a foreign language, badly, was famous 20 years ago, etc?
A: GREAT. It is all welcome at the Twisted Minstrel Comedy Music blog.

Q: Why Twisted Minstrel?
A: Because I like it. Also, because there is going to be a comedy music festival of the same name. COMING SOON so stay "tuned", ya know, tuned, like a guitar you use to make comedy music.

Email everything comedy music to clef coda at gmail dot com. Clef will be handling all the Twisted Minstrel Blog needs.

What else? Well, thanks for asking. We also now have a Twitter page and a Facebook page.

Q: Damn, you move fast!
A: That's not a question, but thank you.

This community is for YOU, comedian musician, so please utilize it, add to it, share it, pass it on, comment, make suggestions and keep doing what you do, even if comedians think we're dorks and musicians hate our guts. Just remember: haters be hatin because they are jealzies. Jealzies of our luscious creative ambidextriousness.

Now get out there and make a YouTube video for your song that gets stuck in everyone's head at work for the next 4 days!
True Love

So, these two just got married. It must be true love! She's 85 and he's 60. She's a rich Spanish duchess, he's a civil worker.

But I could see how he may care for her, even though she looks like that lady who was attacked by a monkey. She's probably had an amazing life and surely has tons of great stories to tell - 85 years worth of them. Plus, she's Spanish, and everyone knows the legend of the latino lovers (they are supposedly very good in bed).

Here are 5 other possible reasons why the Duchess of Alba Cayetana Fitz-James Stuart y Silva (which is only a portion of her name) and her husband Alfonso Diez have made it official.

#1: What turns him on are women who are beautiful strictly on the inside.

#2: Cougar-dom is all the rage these days. But, when both parties are practically senior citizens, you can't really say she's robbing the cradle. More technically, he's robbing the grave, amiright?

#3: He was raised by his grandmother and so now he has a thing for GILFs.

#4: He spent his formulative years listening to the song "Duke of Earl" by The Four Tops and it intrinsically influenced him to pursue Dukedom.

#5: He really, really, really wanted to quit his day job.

In all seriousness, I really wish the two much hapiness. It's not easy to find people to love, especially when you're 85, unless you're rich, but they found each other, and does it really matter what the reasons are? The bottom line is, this woman has surely lived an exquisite life, and who wouldn't want to be part of that? (And be a duke!!?!?)

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Worst Cook In America
* aka *
"Delfino's Dishes and Delicacies"

I happen to think I'm a very, truly "ok" cook. I make recipes that I think will taste good while sort of being low in fat and cholesterol. Today, I prepared what I would characterize as a mouth watering entree for lunch.

First off, let me just mention that this afternoon was terrific. I spent it in Hoboken filming a segment for Otto & George's "Pig Roast" show. It was really funny show and each and every single person I came into contact with today from Otto & George (Awesome) to Brian O'Halloran (Clerks, etc) to Mr. Pregnant to all the producers and assistants were top notch super-humanly sweet and awesome. It was really refreshing to work with a group of people as NON-uptight and unpretentious as them. I can't remember the last time I worked with such a great group, top to bottom. It's been a long time.

However, I had to walk a mile and a half to the studio and back from the PATH train. I couldn't find a cab and I succumbed to walking, telling myself over and over, "It's good for your fat ass, I mean, it's good for your big bones."

When I got home this afternoon, I was literally famished. So I decided to whip up a delightful little meal which I'll call Salmon Snatchatorri.

A few weeks ago I was supposed to audition for the TV show "Worst Cooks In America" but it didn't happen. If "Worst Cooks" sees this recipe, call me. I know I suck. But a girl's gotta eat.

Salmon Snatchatorri


1/4 avocado, ripe, chopped (so good but so fattening)
1 tsp light mayo which I borrowed from my roomie (sorry, roomie!)
1 can chick peas (YUM)
a few chops of purple cabbage
a handful of those clear chinese style bean thingies
wasabi almonds (wasabi peas would surely work, too)
hot sauce of your choice
canned salmon
1/4 c. water
2 tsp soy sauce
1 tbsp nutritional yeast
1 tbsp hummus


Combine peas, cabbage, bean type thingies, wasabi almonds, water, soy sauce and nutritional yeast into pan. Cover, place on medium flame. Leave unattended. In a bowl, combine salmon, mayo and avocado, mix until it looks disgusting. When the veggies are soft and wilty and cooked (10 minutes or so) remove from flame. Leave stove on for kicks. Scoop out a large spoonful of veggies and place in bowl of salmon mush. Top with hot sauce and hummus. Eat while your cat attacks you and tries desperately to sneak its' paws into your food.

If you love this recipe, check out my Vagina cookies. They're good for you. Just kidding, they're really not. But they do taste good and are virtually STD free.

a few chubby vagina cookies

photo credit: Rachel Kramer Bussel

Saturday, October 1, 2011

What's In The Giveaway?

Great question. I advertised a giveaway on my blog a few days ago, and I was just putting the gift bags...er, boxes together to send out. So far, only a handful of people have entered, but maybe you'll excitedly comment with your email address and tweet "Win a bad ass bag of schwag from @JessicaDelfino at http://www.jessydelfino.blogspot.com" once I elaborate on "what's in the box!!!" BONUS POINTS if you also list what movie that last line is from. It's an easy one.

OK, here's the breakdown:

-- one bag has a vibrator, one bag has a porn DVD and lube from Pleasure Chest
-- 3 juggling balls from PBR
-- a tote bag from KongMagazine
-- a mouse pad and some stickers from FunnyNotSlutty.com
-- my "Famous" and "Perfect Christmas" CDs and a rape whistle
-- a bunch of other miscellaneous schwag including tee shirts and stuff

I don't like to put monetary value on priceless items, but I'd say it's probably worth about...

But I'm not gonna beg you to enter. Please enter! Please! Help me get this stuff out of my house. And share the legacy of dirty folk rock with friends and loved ones.

OK that's it for now.

I think I'm going to wander down to Occupy Wall Street today. A lot of people seem confused about what they are standing for, but I actually really get it. I found and read this great list which really helped it click for me. But I can't find it now. So here's another one that shares some of the sentiments in a more personal way.