Monday, December 19, 2005

Lines to use to get what you want in life:
by Jessica Delfino

Just trust me. As you can tell by this blog, I've gotten everything there is to get out of life.

As a "holiday season" sentence endcap: "Put a big red bow on my ass and call me a present!" (This is something like a, "You don't say?" NOTE: Maleable depending on the nearest "holiday" and "season". Valentine's Day "Shoot me in the ass with a bow and arrow and call me a target", Halloween - "Put a black cat on my vagina and call me a veterinarian", you get the idea.

As a "thinker" to a film critic-type person who loves films and thinks they've seen and can decipher any movie: "Jaws was a good movie to see if you have no self-respect." Whatever he says in response, interrupt with a very passionate "No doi!"

As a "test" statement to a potential suitor: "A full-grown man howling at the moon can be attractive." Follow up with a goading, persistent, "Go on..." twelve to thirteen times. (If he does anything even resembling "howling" at anything relating to a "moon", he loses.)

As an instigatory comment to a potential enemy: "Let's say you and I go outside and I'll shove the tongue of your anus in the anus of your anus." (Part of this move is to buy you some time as your enemy stands and ponders the meaning of all this craziness. While they're busy connecting brain receptors, you can be smashing foreheads into banana cream pies or whatever people do when they get into fights.

I would know - I get into three fights a week. Mostly for the pie. And the attention from men breaking up the fights. I've met my last four ex-husbands this way.

Saturday, December 17, 2005


Vitamin C spicy candy drops by VICKS can help you from getting a cold!

Drinking lots of water will make you rich!

Buying lottery tickets increase your odds of winning the lottery!

Singing in the shower makes you homosexual!

Jack Black for President!

Dark chocolate is low in calories, good for your heart, and adds 26 years to your life!

Brushing your teeth gets rid of gingivitis and helps you get laid!

Day jobs are for people with no imagination!

Music helps plants grow!

Watching Conan O'Brien increases your IQ!

Reading blogs makes the work week seem up to 56% shorter!

A Bedtime Poem:

I'm about to go to rest
I shall begin to get undressed
The cold crisp air is flying sharp
I hear it dance upon a tarp
But that does not deter me from
The sleep that is about to come
The sleep that shall come over me
A blanket warm and blankety
I'll lie my head on foam or feather
And think not of the chilly weather
Instead I'll think of counting sheep
And they will lead me to my sleep


Thursday, December 15, 2005


Tookie Williams was recently killed by California on Death Row. This is a topic that lots of comedians, bloggers and commenator types have been writing about and discussing now for several days. Many of you may or may not know the details of the story, but from what I understand, Tookie, purportedly a co-founder of the Crips, was incarcerated for killing four people in a robbery/murder in Los Angeles. While in jail, he had turned his life around and had contributed to society in a myriad of ways, including writing books deterring children and teens and people of all ages from getting involved in gangs, and he created a protocol to help gangs to call truces, and was otherwise trying to give back to the world to make up for what he took from it. Stanley "Tookie" Williams was murdered by the State of California a few days ago, after serving many years in jail.

People keep asking me my opinion on all of this, and even though it is a few days old, I feel as a comedian and a blogger and a person in America who reads the news, I should have a take on Tookie Williams, and so here it is:

It doesn't have any affect on me or my life in any way, what-so-ever.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005


This post is in retaliation for a rash of imbeciles who came from Metafilter. I never asked to be posted to Metafilter. I'm just a writin' fool who likes the idea of free, unfiltered thought.

Lest ye wonder what a blog is "for", Imma breakin' it down for you, below, old school style, what a blog means to ME.

1. A blog serves as a virtual toilet bowl wherein I might take my daily written mental crap. Sometimes it's a pretty crap and I can see rainbows and messages from God in it. Sometimes it's just lumpy and useless.
2. It's cheaper and more permanent than notebooks. It will never burn in a fire. That's not necessarily a plus.
3. Blogs serve as a place for me to think out loud without getting punched in the face, at least not immediately.
4. A blog is like an exercise bike for my writing. Anyone's writing gets better with practice.
5. A blog is a place for me to be able to get attention without having to look at random, sometimes annoying faces.
6. It gives me an opportunity to try to be honest without getting yelled at for it. (Well, it was, before the comment section feature was added.)
7. It's a place for me to procrastinate from having to do actual work.
8. It's a way to inflict self-abuse from various angry strangers, if you're into that sort of thing, and apparently, I am.
9. It's a way for me to connect with Wil Wheaton.
10. It's easier than writing html, paying for a server and domain name.
11. Blogs are good for me for writing discipline, something which I sometimes lack.
12. More reasons, as equally as interesting or uninteresting, depending on how much self-hatred you posess.

So stick that in your proverbial pipe and take a puff off it, nay sayers. I never said I was a virtuoso writer. Sometimes I kid and say how hot I am or how smart I am, but truth be told, I'm just like any of you loser jerks, and just like any of you nice apples - I'm insecure at times, and much like you all, my future is full of uncertainty. Several hundred thousand wasted minutes have gone into making this blog what it is - a slightly entertaining thought trough! And that's the way I like it!

I know this one thing for sure though - I'll never, ever again work a day job! And this blog is part of the reason why. That's right - none of the dollars I earn shall go to buy Mr. John P. Corporate Anus Licker a ninth mansion. However, unlike my anonymous haters, many of whom are surely managerial cock yankers, I'll continue to get paid $500 per day to write for TV shows and famous documentarians. I know that must eat you up inside, you haters. Go make someone a photo copy!

So, should you wonder what this is or why I do it, keep in mind - I'm just biding time til death, like any and everyone else, except I'm doing it in a somewhat constructive, sometimes boring, sometimes thought-provoking way.

So go fuck yourselves, you anonymous blog leeching weenies! Get your own fame!

And if you think MY blog sucks, check THIS ONE out!

Thursday, December 1, 2005

THE SECULAR VOICES OF HEAVEN'S HORIZON... my holiday band that sings songs about holiday topics! They're like Christmas carols without the crappiness and cloying holiday spirit of dorky carols. They're cloying all in their own way!

Here are some of our hits:

XMAS IS ILLEGAL - discusses Christmas's breach of separation of church and state laws.
CLEAN YOUR CHIMNEY - asks folks to make the chimney tidy for Santa's descent
ASIAN SNOWMAN - tells the story of a snowman made of yellow snow.
CAN YOU TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK IS KWANZA? - inquires about the "black" holiday celebration growing in popularity.
A DIAMOND SOMEDAY - an optimistic viewpoint from a recipient of a lump of coal.
IT'S A STU-STU-STUTTERING CHRISTMAS - this song celebrates the joys of the season for one family of stutterers.

There are 12 songs on the CD, and also on the CD are the karaoke version of the tracks and a copy of lyrics so you and your family can sing your own holiday carols!

This CD is a lot of fun, and will make a terrific Christmas gift - much better than a GAP gift certificiate. You can order CDs (which are $5) by emailing me at

Mushy Crustmas, everyone!

Sunday, November 27, 2005


I finally got comments working on my blog again! Or more accurately, a friend of mine finally got comments working on my blog again...but if no one minds, I'll just take the credit myself.

I bet the people who used to write really mean comments on my blog all the time have been going out of their MINDS! What did you meanies do during that time? Did you write mean things on other people's blogs? Did you get OTHER, NEW hobbies? What did you DO with yourselves??? I bet it drove you CRAZY to just have to simply read and ENJOY the awesome writing on this blog without being able to HATE on me! But it's all fixed now! And tis the season to be assholes, so insult away!

And by the way, I don't necessarily mind getting negative feed back, but I'd especially enjoy it if it were accurate, and not just a shameless pack of lies! For example, everyone knows my butt is bootylicious and like an ice cream sunday of pure sunshine.

So..., I was talking to my boyfriend the other day, and he said, "What's the first thing you'd do if you had a penis?" And I said, "That's easy. I'd pee on the walls!"

(That's something vaginas can't do...or not easily, anyway.)

Saturday, November 26, 2005


Has anyone ever wondered? I found the recipe in a great book called, "How To Make The Country Obese and Dead, Especially The Poor Ones." Here is a list of ingredients in a Dunkin Donut:

Flour (made out of bleach and bug spray)
Chocolate colored paint
Diesel fuel
Sprinkles (plastic)
Jelly (cow ooze, FD & C Red)
Blood money
Powdered Sugar


I'll take a baker's dozen - that's 230!


Why did the donut cross the road?
Because it was tempted by the kid in the kidnapper's van.

Why is there no such thing as a fat free donut?
There's no such thing as a free anything.

How many donuts does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
2: One to hold the lightbulb and one to taunt someone to come over and screw in the light bulb.

I did it! I had a goal today of writing three donut jokes and I wrote them! I wrote it! I did it! I wrote them and it and did it and them! I did it!


Awesome. Great. Dan Deacon is a magical speaker with a gift for run-on abstract thinking and talking, and a talent for maneuvering miscellaneous electronic gadgets and buttons. His songs are like small parties for retarded kids, with good beats. Also, a shout out to Ecstatic Sunshine, the opening act before him which consisted of two dudes on guitars. They were like The Allman Brothers, if the Allman Brothers were experimentive and chaotic, and one of them were Asian.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

by Jessica Delfino


400 lbs. stuffed mushrooms (stuffed with candy, lemonade and unicorns)
12 jelly donut turkey sandwiches (on homemade poisoned bread)
a hundred handfulls of marshmellows with orange colored somethings that resemble potatos or turnips dip
83 bread crumbs on top of gravy made of the knees of little boys and puppies
35 answers to questions that we will never be able to answer
29 smurf topped sunday salads
16 dashy doodles (a snack that they only make in Europe by doctor's prescription)


People On Mars Are Coming To Your House To Attack You!
The Revenge Of The Nerds On Thanksgiving, Part V
Monsters Live In A Scary Place And Want To Eat All Your Leftovers
Magic Dwarves & Flying Castle Places
I Love You, No I Don't!
and finally...
The Movie These Bad People Don't Want You To Ever, Ever See, The Movie!


Stranger man #5, saw him once somewhere twice
Chubby but pretty girl 14, hates me but on Thanksgiving (just for Thanksgiving) we will be friends
Boyfriend #9
Unrelated jack ass
Best friend, and best friend and other best friend, and bester friend
Someone I hate! I hate them! But it's Thanksgiving, like with chubby but pretty girl!
Xanax giving out person (but I don't want any Xanax! Just one!)
Comedy Club owning guy who shows up for some reason, I hate you! I hate you! But I will hug you to show thanks for all this delicious food!
Fake Turkey mound

THE PLACES I PLAN TO GO ON THANKSGIVING (and how many times I plan to go to them):

The bathroom, seventeen times
The hallway closet, 9 times
All of the finest dance clubs in town, 1 time each
Chinese Church, once only (to show thanks)


With a sweater
Under a dark light
In a cup of tea
Without any problems caused by food allergies
By throwing a TV out of the balcony door and down, down onto the ground below my deck
By crying and then wiping all my tears away while looking upwards to God


Keys to jail
Herbal remedies
Computer programs
Sisters and Moms and Lovers and Love
Nice places full of people that love me and eachother and heaven
Cars (I wish they ran on kisses!)
Good Food
Soft smily skin
Sleeping through the news
Magical, mythical horses

Thursday, November 17, 2005


Did you miss me? Anyone? Hello? (Hello? Hello?) Is there anybody in there?

I am back from being on tour with Lisa Suckdog and what a whirlwind adventure it was! I've summarized it into a poem to keep from having to write paragraph after paragraph recounting fascinating detail after scintillating detail of the whole ding dang ordeal.

by Jessica Delfino

LA was smelly - I sold 10 cds
The satanists came and some girl attacked Lisa
My old ex bf Brian stopped by the show
we slept at a cool chick named Val's on the floor

SF was happy - we showed up just in time
some fucked up audience chick sang a song about Lisa's behind
The satanists showed up with a vial of their poopy
I busked on the street and I was recognized

Portland was smoky - I damn divad out
asked those yuppies to put their damn cigarettes out
I pissed on the pizza and some chick joined in
Then went to the party of a gay lesbian

Seattle was cozy - an intimate show
The Trachtenburgs came and brought joy to my day
Nothing much happened at that show of note
that night at a guy named Christofurry's I stayed

The tour was successful - the ride home did blow
drove home in a car, it took four full long days
had to stop due to blizzards and some tornados
first thing I heard back in NY was the sirens ablaze

I'm working on a tour diary journal project with accompanying tape, not a ding dang CD. I'm very excited about this project. I kept a detailed, silly journal and kept little mementos within it which I will transcribe and publish. The tape will have songs from the CDs and tapes we listened to and also some recorded dialog, specifically a conversation with Dame Darcy about the Apocalypse and a hilarious story she recounted about the time she stole her ex-boyfriend's car called "The Tale of the Squirrely Jack Rabbit and the Retarded Buffalo."

You can reserve a copy by emailing me at They will cost $7.

Saturday, November 12, 2005


Show your love! Show up in court on Monday, Nov. 14th at 9 AM, 100 Centre St. Part B.
You don't have to say anything, it just shows the oblivious and blaze courts that CXB has friends and supporters. Ron Kuby will be representing him.

I wish I could be there, I'm in Portland, OR on tour right now. Hmmm...on second thought, maybe I'd actually rather be here.

Thursday, November 10, 2005


...begins at 9 PM at Il Corral. Lisa Suckdog's birthday was yesterday, so bring her presents and be ready to celebrate...

Here's my lousy birthday poem to Lisa:

I just met ya
But already I'm infatuated a bit
I bet you get that a lot
from boys girls and pets
Maybe even inanimate objects
Do trees hug you? Cars? Tables? Fences?
If not, it's only because they have no arms and are like, asleep to the world or something.

But don't be fooled - they too are captive to your charms.

Write and bring your own!

Monday, November 7, 2005


That's right, Delfino's coming to a venue on the west coast near you with Lisa "Suckdog" Crystal Carver, Dame Darcy and friends. Don't miss this show, it's awesome.

Here is as much info as I have:

Nov 10
il Corral
662 N. Heliotrope Ave., Hollywood, CA
9 PM

Nov 11
Modern Times
888 Valencia Street, San Francisco, CA

Nov 12
1909 NE M L King Blvd, Portland, OR

Nov 13
Confounded Books
315 E. Pine St., Seattle, WA

Hope to see someone there who I know, or someone who I don't know who wants to give me love and good vibes. My quota is full for hate and bad vibes. Try back when things are happy again to help reset the eternal balance in the cosmos.

Sunday, November 6, 2005

Do You Like Free Speech?
The TRUE account of CXB's arrest
by Jessica Delfino

I would like to begin by saying I don't necessarily agree with Christopher's tactics or appreciate his delivery. I've told him before that his delivery stinks. But I don't think he should be brutalized, slandered by the press or have his constitutional rights violated. I also feel this way about every other human being out there. It just so happens I'm invested in this one, and that is part of why this is being written on my blog. I also wrote similar essays about other friends who's rights were violated, such Erzsi Pongo, a very kind and sensitive woman who was chained to a fence for several hours by the police when she was arrested at 2:30 am on the subway for not having any ID. With that being said, I'll begin with my account:

As all good activists have been prior to him, Christopher X. Brodeur, aka CXB was arrested Wed, Nov. 2nd with harrassment A and B charges. The specifics involve him calling a journalist and saying "I could stab you in the face and I'd be a hero like Bernie Goetz". The journalist, named Ben Smith of the Observer, had instigated Christopher by erasing comments he'd written on his blog to later call or email Christopher with approving and accepting comments, and letting him post other comments. In Christopher's opinion, Mr. Smith had been 'covering up lies regarding crimes committed by the Bloomberg administration that resulted in the victimizatin of hundreds of innocent New Yorkers.' CXB also said, I'd never do that, this is not a threat and I have no intention of ever harming you. But they didn't write that in the newspapers. With a quote taken out of context, you could arrest anyone. CXB argues that you could arrest Eric Clapton for saying "I shot the sherrif" because he admitted to shooting a police officer, if you wanted to. CXB and Ben Smith know eachother and have even had a friendly repoire on and off over the summer. Ben kept removing Christopher's ability to comment on his blog, The Politicker, just to give it back a few days later. He'd also edit or delete choice comments which Christopher had written regarding various crimes committed by various politicians, such as Bloomberg arresting protesters during the RNC.

CXB was arrested at his home on Wed Nov. 2nd, after surrendering himself to the police. Police put cuffs on very tight and threw away his lawyer's phone number. CXB went in front of a judge for arraignment on Thursday. The Judge, Patricia Nunez, ordered him to have a 730 remand (fancy speak for psychiatric evaluation) though it was recommended CXB let be released on his own recognisance. CXB got a bail application for the next day after I pleaded with the lawyer to file it. This brought him in front of a second, different judge who would listen and re-consider bail. The second judge said the 730 remand would stay and CXB was held without bail.

According to the law, CXB "doesn't have a lawyer" though he was given a public defender, named Jess Berkowitz. His lawyer didn't return any of his calls over the summer, and his lawyer hasn't visited him in jail. According to research and advice, these things constitute not having a lawyer. So, technically, he was sent to 730 remand without a lawyer. In court, Jess suggested to myself and my friends that we encourage Christopher to pretend to be crazy so the charges will be dropped, which I thoguth was simply unethical, and my opinion was seconded in a conversation with Norman Siegel.

In holding before the trial, CXB was brutalized by police and denied medical attention. I visited him yesterday and saw that his wrists were black and blue, bruised and cut from the tightness of the handcuffs. He said they slammed him into many walls, etc. He thinks he has nerve damage in one hand.

Some points that have come up ni discussions with various lawyers and friends are that the 730 remand or psychiatric evaluation is generally something the defense asks for to get clients off, as in, "My client is too crazy to be held responsible for these crimes." In this case, prosecution asked for a 730 remand, even though CXB has already had a 730 evaluation during a prior arrest (interestingly, just a few days before the Giuliani election - and now, again, just a few days before the Bloomberg election). One can't help but to find that coincidence too coincidential to be a coincidence. The DA even told me that he was pretty sure Christopher would be found fit to stand trial. Everyone knows he will be found fit to stand trial. In addition, most VIOLENT criminals aren't asked to have a 730 remand. CXB has never broken an order of protection or been charged with any violence-related crimes. Many believe this was a means to circumvent due process, and to keep him in jail til at least after the election.

As I mentioned earlier, CXB was already hit with a 730 remand when he was held without bail during the Giuliani election. Coincidence - CXB was taken into custody a week before election to hold him in until a few days after the election on two separate elections? Chris was going to do a huge protest in front of the Observer exposing media and government lies. It was scheduled for just before the election. There is a huge stack of fliers on his desk for this protest as I write this.

The DA, named Duncan Levin (212-335-9302) told the judge at the bail application hearing and said CXB refused to come out of his apt. for three days and resisted arrest. This is not true. He surrendered himself. We have it recorded on video tape. The cops first showed up on Halloween without a search warrant, so he refused to open the door. At 6 pm, the detectives went home at the end of their shift, though they said "We'll be waiting out here ALL night!" It was odd, then, that they weren't around when CXB left to go perform. The detectives knew where he'd be. They even left a note on my bike saying they'd be at the show they thought he was to perform in ("We love the band The Howl! See you later at the Bowery! This was the wrong band and the wrong show, which I thought was funny since they are detectives...) But then a detective called me an hour later on my cellphone to say, "I hear this great band called Haunted Pussy is playing at Irving Plaza tonight. We'll see you there! (The band CXB plays guitar for, Haunted Pussy, opened up for Fisher Spooner at Irving Plaza on Halloween). The detectives never showed up.

The DA, Duncan Levin, also told the judge CXB threatened a 9 month old baby of another journalist. This is simply not true. Christopher did no such thing. I heard the phone calls, and though I wish they had not been made and often disagree with his tactics, I didn't hear anything that constituted as a threat to an infant. The journalist in question here is Maggie Haberman and the infant is her newborn child. He was insinuating that by covering up crimes, she is allowing for her child to be exposed to the same kind of victimization that thousands of New Yorkers are going through on a daily basis.

Duncan Levin should give Christopher a fair fight in court. He doesn't need to say things that are not true if he really believes Christopher is guilty. You can reach him in his office at 212-335-9302 if you would like to tell him this yourself.

I had cash for bail and was there two days in a row waiting to bail him out, but he got the fake 730 remand instead. He's been in jail for 3 days and hasn't even seen a psychiatrist yet. They can do an evaluation asap, but they're putting it off. His lawyer will not return his or my calls or visit him in jail.

Even if you disagree with CXB or dislike him, please don't believe things that are written about him, just because they are written in the paper.

Christopher told me of several people who are being held in the Tombs on violations!! That is less than a misdemeanor crimes!!! That is like this: Imagine going to your parking meter, seeing it's one minute over, and the next thing you know, you are in handcuffs and being taken to jail. He said one man, not from this country, was walking through a playground. Next thing he knew, he was surrounded by 7 cops and being taken to jail, because it is now a law that you can not be in a playground unless you are accompanying a child. What is happening in this country?

Christopher's Book and Case # is: 3490517731. He is currently being held in the tombs. He needs a good lawyer, one who will return his calls and my calls, and one who believes in our constitutional rights. Unfortunately, his lawyer is an 18B lawyer. He's required to do a certain amount of pro bono cases a year, and is only getting paid $10 per hour to represent Christopher. He is probably also busy with other cases and in addition, he might not be sympathetic to or familiar with civil rights, activism or free speech cases.

Christopher is still running on the ballot. Read his 100 Innovations for NYC, which include making it illegal for politicians to lie (like plumbers, carpenters and construction workers, if they promise to fix something and then they don't fix it, they don't get paid.) He also wants to make the subways free, paying for them with the hundreds of other taxes we pay on a daily basis, from buying groceries and snacks to feeding the meters.

If you have any questions or know a good private criminal defense lawyer, please email me at

And don't forget to vote on Nov. 9th. Christopher X. Brodeur is still running as a write-in candidate. So, write him in. If you vote for Bloomberg, you are voting for protesters getting arrested at the RNC, you're voting for activists and mayoral candidates being silenced illegally, you're voting for rich people to get richer and poor people to get poorer. You're voting for people getting arrested for going the playground. You're voting for Snapple as the official drink of NYC. You're voting for the status quo. If you want to protest without having to carry signs or wear pachouli, just vote for CXB on Nov. 9th. Write his name on the line. Christopher X. Brodeur. No, he won't win, but voting for CXB is another way of voting for "None of the Above". If you refuse to write in Christopher, write someone else in. Write in your boyfriend, or write in None Of The Above, or write in your friend, or your cat, or yourself. Why don't we have that option on the ballot to begin with?


CXB should be in court on Nov. 13th or 14th if you'd like to be there to cheer him on (silently). He'll be at 100 Centre St. You can find court information by calling 646-386-4505 and giving them CXB's book and case # - "3490517731" and asking them when CXB will be going in front of a judge. You can donate money to his lawyer fund on his website at If you have a friend involved in criminal law or politics who you think might help, you can email me with information. If you have a tv show or radio show, you can tell people to vote for Christopher X. Brodeur or announce his website address, which is You can tell your friends about this or forward them this link. You can get fliers from me to hand out at your school or shows or workplace or to put in bookstores. You can read his 100 Innovations for NYC and learn more details about this story.

Thank you for your support. Christopher is a mayoral candidate who got 17,000 votes in the primary in Sept. 2005 (running as a democrat) and he also beat Gifford Miller in the Bronx. What makes this special is that Gifford Miller's budget was 5 million bucks, CXB's was $150.

Imagine if he was in charge of the city's budget.

The most important thing we have are our rights. Exercise your rights. Speak out and do your part to stop activists from being jailed and held without bail. Educate yourselves. Don't become sedate and distracted by your Ipods and jobs.

Sunday, October 30, 2005

At Age 29, if you are me -

You develop strange, unannounced esophageal ailments that cause you to lose upwards of 20 pounds. (The weight, not the form of currency)

You wonder if there's a way to simultaneously live in N.Y. and Sweden.

You start to think there are no good men out there at all.

You feel a sudden, psychic, mysterious connection with everyone and everything around you - enemies, illnesses and poverty included, because what else would explain the shittiness of life?

You ponder the meaning of the word "crazy" for real, real.

You desire pound cake by the loaf.

You start sewing for no good reason.

You cut your own hair and don't even give a fucking fucking shit, god fucking dammit!
It's hair and it will grow back.

You buy necessities at the dollar store so you can save up for a medical procedure that your insurance won't cover.

You are criticized by people who wish they could fuck you or be you.

You are forced to quit drinking alcohol and smoking pot, two of the few things that brought some relief into your chaotic existence.

You start to achieve something that was thought to be impossible - like making a living writing songs about vaginas.

You degenerate a tiny, but important and key bit.

Friday, October 28, 2005


Don't cry for her, Argentina - she jumped ship instead of opting for front row seats to the Apocalypse. I wouldn't be surprised if suicide rates increase all over the world in the next 7 years. (2012 is supposed to be a peak year for turmoil, according to the bible and various "angels of death" approaching people in their dreams.)


FREDERICA, Del. — The apparent suicide of a 42-year-old woman found hanging from a tree went unreported for hours because passers-by thought the body was a Halloween decoration, authorities said yesterday.

The body had hung across the street from homes on a busy road since late Tuesday or early Wednesday, state police said. Suspended about 15 feet above the ground, it was visible to passing vehicles.

State police and neighbors said people noticed the body at breakfast time Wednesday, but dismissed it as a prank. Authorities were finally called three hours later.

"They thought it was a Halloween decoration," Mayor William Glanden's wife, Fay, told The News Journal of Wilmington. "It looked like something somebody would have rigged up."

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

END OF TOUR DIARY - Lisa "Suckdog" Carver - DRUGS ARE NICE

I think the past three days were some of the most fun I've ever had in my life. After Philly, we drove to DC in the rain. The worker girl at the club was mean. She didn't know about any reading show thing, acted indifferent and grumpy. The show was great and consisted of Faith and Jude as the opening act - a hippy-looking man played guitar while he and a rastafarian angel woman sang strange, sometimes political ditties; a band who's name escapes me, but who's chaos and costume reminded me a bit of Les Georges Leningrad; Dame Darcy, myself and then Lisa's reading, which ended in complete chaos with the audience getting upheaved, chairs getting knocked over, and skirted asses getting exposed. I guess I might as well say it now, because it's no secret anymore - the grand finale of the reading is a pizza getting pissed on. The grumpy girl bought one of my CDs and her whole attitude changed, until she found out that I was the wig-donning pisser. She then wouldn't talk to me anymore, and complained about having to throw the rug away. I felt badly, until Lisa told me she'd paid $100 bucks for that moldy-assed tarp of a carpet. The LEAST we could have done was pissed on it.

Drove back to Philly in the pouring rain. For some reason, it took us about 15 hours to get home. We stayed at "Lisa" actor Paige Steel's house; who, in addition to being a gracious host and complete saint of a person, did a terrific, magical portrayal (in both DC and Philly) of Lisa in her crazier days. Her house, with three levels, a summer melon-colored couch, shelves full of classics, and a (clean) refrigerator stocked with Limonata and grapes, reminded me of what it must be like to have a normal life.

In the early afternoon, we drove back to NYC, enlightened by a soundtrack of rain, cellphone chatter and Bobby Sherman hits. Later at KGB Bar in NYC, I arrived fashionably late to a packed room with a $65 ticket in hand for riding my bike on the sidewalk. I tried to argue with the cop, but he was too fat and complacent in his cop magesty to understand. There was no stage to perform on, so I stood on the padded seat to play my songs. My set went well, and after my set, the sketches and Lisa's reading went as planned. There was no stage, so the pizza box was put atop a table.

A healthy urine stream douched the table, cleared out about a quarter of the room, and certainly cleared the table. I've never seen five people get up from a seated position so fast in my life.

Later, at the afterparty in Galapagos, another "Lisa" actor, Anna, "Costes" actor Andy (who was brilliant and hilarious as Costes) and myself had a wrestling match covered in ketchup, as Anna and I engaged Andy in a hostile and aggresive pants removal operation. I believe my butt and perhaps a breast got exposed.

The pizza scene got all messed up, so the grand finale was basically "GG" getting a complete golden shower. I was completely sober as my whiz rained down on GG's bare stomach, and was so delighted by the organic chaos of it all, I was bent over, crying actual tears of laughter and ecstacy. And as an homage to the fleeting moments of pure, free, unhindered emotion that are so seldom in my life, I washed the ketchup off my hands in the waterfall of my own waste. My boyfriend still refuses to speak to me over all of this, though I concede that it was a beautiful mess of art and human expulsion.

The best part of the evening was later when I came out to perform some songs with my guitar (and a different outfit). The sound man came over to me and said, "I'm really sorry about this all." I looked at him dumbly. "What happened?" I asked, scrubbing wads of paper towels across the dewy floor boards. "You didn't see what happened? Well, someone pissed all over the stage," he said. "Punk rock!" I exclaimed with a twinkle in my eye, as a purple ketchup-covered wig lay snuggled, mangled in my bag, backstage.

Buy Lisa "Suckdog" Carver's book, "Drugs Are Nice" and try, if you can, to live a life a little less confined.

Monday, October 24, 2005

TOUR JOURNAL - Philadelphia

In Philly with Lisa "Suckdog" Crystal Carver and Dame Darcy and crew. On the ride here, we saw a sticker on the side of a light post that said, "Dog Waste Removal" and a phone number. Picking up a dog's business is apparently someone's business. They just come over and pick up your dog your...lawn...I guess. Or, wherever...

We arrived in Philly around 5 and went to Franklin Institute to see the Bodyworks exhibit. It was intense, grotesque, profound, stunning, bizarre, provocative, shameless, and other adjectives. This man took people who had donated their bodies to science, and used them to create this huge exhibit with rooms and rooms full of real live dead people posing in all these different poses, from playing basketball, to dancing, to a dead man riding a real dead horse. There were also all these real organs and slices of every body part you can imagine from brains to hearts to livers to fat people's legs, splayed out in cases so you could gawk at them in complete shock, horror and amazement. I've always been acutely aware of my own mortality and being in that exhibit made me even more aware of it. I was a bit overwhelmed with how many poses you can put dead people into. He also posed birds, and the aforementioned horse, and there was also a whole room with a pregnant woman with her stomach cut open to reveal her dead baby, fetuses at every stage of pregnancy, and a bunch of dead babies who'd died in the womb from various causes.

I left feeling a bit like a walking dead person.

The show was at Robin's Books at 7 PM, and it was a fun time. Dame Darcy played some songs on her autoharp, then I played some dirty folk rock songs. We then did a few sketches, which went over pretty crazily. If any of you have ever seen Lisa's stuff, you'll understand what this means.

We capped off the evening at Tattooed Mom's on South Street, making beaded necklaces and belts with the tons of buckets of beads they left out for drunk people to enjoy.

A good time was had by all.

DC tomorrow night, NYC on Tuesday.

Saturday, October 22, 2005


Alright, so I'm going to be in Philly, DC and then back to NYC with Lisa "Suckdog" Carver's book tour for her new Soft Skull Press book, "Drugs Are Nice". (

I will be playing a very memorable (and surprise) role in her reading/sketch, and I will also be performing a few dirty folk rock HITS. (Read:songs about vaginas)

I might even be going West with them in early November when they head to DC, LA, Seattle and Portland, Oregon.

This will be exciting, as I hear that this Lisa character can be kind of unpredictable. I'm looking forward to having a little bit of chaos in my life with someone I'm NOT dating.

The Philly show is tomorrow, Sunday at 7 PM at Robin's Books.

I will be performing my dirty folk rock on her shows in Philly, DC, and NYC, as well as my surprise role in her reading. I may join Lisa and co as they cross the US to the West Coast and do some dirty ditties in LA, SF, Portland, OR and Seattle. This should take place the second week of November.

More details to come.

If you have never heard of Lisa "Suckdog" Carver, google her and get yourself an underground education.

The show tomorrow night, Sunday, is at Robin's Bookstore, Philadelphia, PA. 7 PM.
Monday in DC, Tuesday in NYC.

Friday, October 21, 2005


I'm performing in Lisa "Suckdog" Carver's reading for her new book, "Drugs Are Nice" (Soft Skull Press) at KGB Bar, Oct. 25th at 7 PM. I won't give it away, but my role will be quite memorable. I encourage you all to come and see me do the most daring thing I've probably ever done on stage. After party will be at Galapagos at 10 PM.

If you can't make that show, perhaps you'll be interested in checking out the Philly show on Sunday, October 23 2005 at 7:00pm at Robin's Books. She invited me to go and perform at that show, too, but we're cramming into her small car. So, if anyone has a car and wants to drive down there, let's go and have a little road adventure together.

Here is the info about the Philly show, if you are considering going on a little road trip:

Robin’s Books
108 S. 13th Street
Philadelphia, PA
(215) 735-9600

Here is some more info about Lisa and her book, from Soft Skull Press's website,

In honor of her new memoir DRUGS ARE NICE, Lisa “Suckdog” Carver will be doing an unconventional and unforgettable lecture on post punk: why is happened and what went wrong. Accompanied by ethereal comic artist Dame Darcy on the singing saw, Lisa will draw diagrams and dry erase, explaining how chaotic, self-violent, transgressive performers like GG Allin, Suckdog, Lydia Lunch, and The Swans came to be. Also why they didn't wear colors and why they smelled so very bad. She will then turn the room (by top secret methods we would die rather than disclose here!) into a physical representation of ten minutes of the era she like to call "the late 80s, early 90s."

“The 31-year-old married mother from Dover may well be the country’s supreme cultural anthropologist: part literary provocateur, part social analyst. She’s been called everything from this decade’s ultimate underground Renaissance woman to America’s horniest optimist. Hunter S. Thompson in a miniskirt.” –Boston Magazine

“When Newt Gingrich wakes up sweating in the middle of the night with a hard-on and a sense of nameless dread, the face that he sees might be Lisa Carver’s.” –Time Out New York

“Carver is arguably the best-known non-celebrity her age. Try spitting into a poetry slam without hitting someone who hasn’t read her or been punched out by her.” –Utne Reader

And for more info on Lisa "Suckdog" Carver, check out her myspace site:

Wednesday, October 19, 2005


Who doesn't love a good naked person all up close? You know why? Do ya? I'll tell you why. It's because in America, nakedness is all secretive - it's a hushy, shushy taboo. The site I'm about to tell you to go to is interesting, because it is simply a long, flowing, moving row of women who are fully clothed - but when you run the cursor over each naked body, it shows the same woman totally naked from head to (camel) toe (except for some reason, they have a different hair-do in the nude pix). You can slow the screen down by moving the mouse to the right and then examine each and every body all up and close.

I felt like I was peeking into a secret room when I saw this - a voice in my head was saying, "Do these people know that they are on the world wide web - totally naked?" Something told me for some reason, they don't know. But I doubt it - if I was naked on line, I would think someone would tell me.

Here's a special added butt bonus: If, while the mouse is rolling over the body, you click the clicker button, it shows the ass view.

NOTE: I didn't say every woman's naked body was perfect, or even hot. But there is something titillating about seeing even an unattractive naked body. I almost feel like part of the artistic "point" of this site is just that - you never can tell what a nude body will look like under its clothes. So, be careful what, or more appropriately, who you wish for.

ONE MORE NOTE: Be careful if you're looking at this at work - it just pops up, and then before you know it, there's all this nakedness all over the place.


Saturday, October 15, 2005

The World Is Too Predictable...

I just heard on 1010 WINS a story about a man who was getting a tattoo that read "Last Rites", when he passed out and fell face first into a glass counter, which shattered and cut his throat.

He was getting a tattoo that read "last rites" and he DIED.

Can this world be any more predictable?

We've all heard stories where a man named "James Killson" killed his son, or "Harry Crimeworthy" was arrested for robbing a bank, or "Jennifer Slutsky" was arrested for prostitution. When will the readability of life end?

Is there any doubt in anyone's mind that I shall die penniless? I'm willing to bet my future fortune on it.

Just for once, I'd like to see a glaring contradiction occur. Surprise me! Let's have a Donald Lovelife commit suicide. Let's have a Sally Poor win the lottery. Let's have a priest rape a child...

Hm. Perhaps there is a little flip-floppery in life to be had now and again, after all.

This just overheard on WINS: A lady and her daughter have gone missing. A friend of the lady is concerned, because she said the lady "hears voices in her head." I didn't even need to HEAR the rest to jump to my own conclusion, but her friend's soundbite detailed, "I'm afraid if she hears a voice that tells her to kill herself and the child, she might follow through."

I wonder what happened to the girl and her baby.

Any guesses?

I'm just throwing this out there, as there's no way that could have actually happened, right? Based on the laws of the predictability of life, she probably just went shopping or visited relatives out of state.

This is the reason I both have no children nor pay any mind to the voices in my head.

It's like aliens or gods are playing a very sadistic game on us all. (NOTE: If I don't someday get to write a book and title it the above line, I'd like it written on my tombstone, please.)

Thursday, October 13, 2005


This is a long but useful entry.

I stole Abbie Hoffman's "Steal This Book" from Barnes and Noble in 1995. I didn't know it then, but I was to learn that the way we are taught to do just about EVERYTHING in life is ass-backwards. There is no way capitalism CAN work for the have nots; it's geared specifically to make the rich richer. If you'd like to be able to live affordably in NYC, the first tip is to steal and read "Steal This Book" from any Barnes and Noble or large chain. Though it is old and much of the information is out of date, the message remains the same - there is a better, more efficient, less expensive way to do everything.

Don't ever steal from a small or independently owned book store. The mom and pop shops are being edged out by the big chains and will soon be gone forever. Some people say stealing is wrong and I agree to a certain extent that stealing is wrong. Stealing money or belongings from friends is wrong. Stealing TVs and Ipods and things of "desire" is wrong. But stealing food or things that are used for survival, especially from large chains, is never wrong. Especially when something that costs pennies to make is sold for dollars, and when the cost of living in NYC is what it is. Even if you have a high paying job, you are getting ripped off by every business every where every day. If you don't believe me, look at your Verizon phone bill and you'll note that we are charged a tax that pays Madison Square Garden's electricity bill. If that is the case, why the hell are concert tickets so expensive? And where does that money go?



In our opinion, as long as there is a phone company, and as long as there are outlaws, nobody ever need pay for a call. In 1969, alone, the phone company estimates that over 10 million dollars worth of free calls were placed from New York City. Nothing, however, compares with the rip-off of the people by the phone company. In that same year, American Telephone and Telegraph made a profit of 8.6 billion dollars! Ripping off the phone company is an act of revolutionary love, so help spread the word.

You can make a local 10 cent call for 2 cents by spitting on the pennies and dropping them in the nickel slot. As soon as they are about to hit the trigger mechanism, bang the coin return button.

[JD: I don't know if this would work with 50 cents now or not. I suggest giving it a try. You have nothing to lose, besides 2 cents. Also, VERIZON is the most expensive phone company there is. Bargain hunt and save money. There is also a public assistance program, that, if you qualify for, can save you money on your phone bill. You can also get phone service through the internet for cheap and free.]


There are many ways to sneak into theaters, concerts, stadiums and other entertainment houses. All these places have numerous fire exits with push bar doors that open easily from the inside. Arrive early with a group of friends after casing the joint and selecting the most convenient exit. Pay for one person to get in. When he does he simply opens the designated exit door when the ushers are out of the area and everyone rushes inside.

[JD: A good way to see free movies is to plan a full day at the movies. Buy a ticket for a noon film, and spend the rest of the day theater hopping from movie to movie. My record is 8 movies in one day. For the outrageous cost of one ticket at $11.00, you are now actually getting your money's worth. I do this about once a month and get seeing all the blockbusters out of the way in one day, for one tenth of the price. For extra value, bring your own popcorn, soda and snacks from home. Now THAT'S value. Don't EVER buy movie theater popcorn or soda. $8 for a soda and popcorn is simply robbery, and nothing less.]


When mailing to the same city, address the envelope or package to yourself and put the name of the person you are sending it to where the return address generally goes. Mail it without postage and it will be "returned" to the sender.

[JD: I deliver all my outgoing in town mail myself, on my bike. I sent out over two hundred of my CDs to various NYC addresses last year, and estimate I saved about $200 in postage by just delivering them myself. To make it extra convenient, arrange to drop it off while en route to somewhere you're going that is near there anyway. (For example, I drop off CDs at The Village Voice when I go to the Bowery Poetry Club on Mondays.) There is no reason why every single person in this city shouldn't ride a bike to get to where they need to go. Public transportation is for the rich, the lazy and the complacent. The elderly and the sick are the ones who pub trans is most appropriate for. This is also a good way to cut out expensive gym memberships and you also have the $80 a month subway fare you can put towards food and rent. Congrats - you just saved $130 per month. And your body is fit on top of it.]


In S.T.B., Hoffman references a free clinic, NENA, at 290 E. 3rd St. I'm not sure, but it might be what is now still a low-income clinic (with flexible pay scale) called Ryan-Nena. It's at E. 3rd between B and C. Another tip is to always have a jar of apple cider vinegar on hand. It's a magic cure-all, and if you don't believe me, try drinking a cup of water twice a day with two teaspoons of raw, organic apple cider vinegar mixed in and note the results. It completely cured me of my stomach ailment; something that modern medicine could not do and did not do. And at 2.69 a bottle, it's well worth the value. You can use it to heal everything. Check it out:


***Our son had a wart growing near the cuticle of his finger, starting to go under his nail. After putting apple cider vinegar on a band-aid and wrapping it on the finger for about a week, the wart was gone and never grew back. Place a new apple cider vinegar band-aid on the wart each night.

***My mother drinks this every day and does not have high cholesterol. My aunt had very high cholesterol and tried a prescription drug for it. The drug caused some liver problems and she had to stop taking it. Then she tried this and lowered her cholesterol by 40 points: 1 quart apple juice, 1 pint purple grape juice, 1/4 to 1/3 cup apple cider vinegar. Drink 1/2 to 1 cup daily.
***If you douse your cold sore repeatedly with vinegar it will dry it up and eventually prevent further outbreaks.

***I was having terrible hot flushes during the day and night until a friend told me about apple cider vinegar. I take 1 or 2 tsp of vinegar with a glass of water 3 times a day or more and the hot flushes are gone right away. The taste is not bad at all and it doesn't upset my stomach. I feel like I'm back in the land of the living!

***I have used vinegar in water for arthritis and it takes the swelling and stiffness away. I use 1 tablespoon in water twice a day. It has given me my life back.

***This was given to me by a chiropractor who checked my urine and told me it was "gunky." Drink 1 teaspoon of apple cider vinegar in 4 ounces of water once a day for 5 days.

***As a child I was plagued with sprains. My grandmother mixed apple cider vinegar with red clay, heated it and made a paste. It was placed on the sprain and then wrapped with strips of an old sheet. After an hour the paste was soaked off with warm water and my sprain was healed.

***I have blepharitis, a recurrent eyelid condition that causes intense itching, redness and swelling. After trying every OTC I could think of (and reading the Vinegar Page) I tried dipping a cotton swab in full strength apple cider vineger and carefully swabbing the affected eyelid 2-3 times a day. Within a week the symptoms were gone! I told my doctor about it and he said just be careful not to get the vinegar in your eyes.

***My husband had a toothache for 2 days and tried all the over the counter relief medicines with absolutely no relief. I had been reading the pages about medicinal uses of vinegar and when I read how it takes the pain out of a sprain and arthritis I figured, "What does he have to lose?" So we put apple cider vinegar on cotton balls and he put it in his mouth and bit down gently for a few minutes. To our surprise his pain was gone. My mother then told me later that her father used to use vinegar for his teeth. Its amazing how the old fashioned "home remedies" really work, and of course they are a lot cheaper. (Note: Always rinse your mouth thoroughly after using vinegar, as it deteriorates the enamel. --Pat)

***For a cough that will not stop, make a remedy my brother and I always called Witches Brew. This was from my Great Grandmother.
Mix 1 Tbs Butter
1 Tbs Sugar
1 Tbs Vinegar
Melt it together, and take while still warm.

***To resolve chronic indigestion or heartburn, take 2 tablespoons of apple cider vinegar in 1 ounce of water each evening after supper.
A reader adds: I suffer from chronic acid reflux where I wake up usually at 2 a.m. regurgitating. I've tried many medications but always quit because of side effects. A doctor said to take two teaspoons of vinegar for the acid reflux. I did it and I now swear by it. For some reason the acid from the vinegar stops the acid from the reflux. In the last six months I have regurgitated only once and that is because I forgot to drink the vinegar.

***When I was growing up whenever one of us caught our finger in a door, Mom would get a cup of vinegar and stick our finger in it. It would sting for a bit but it helped take the pain away very quickly. I think the smell also helped calm us. As an adult I have done this and it still works.

***I have had migraines all my life. I was taking 6 Excedrin tablets a day. I started taking one capful of vinegar, lie down for twenty minutes and the headache is gone!

***One evening while watching tv, I started itching. First my face, then my arms and down the line it went. I discovered I was covered in hives. Apparently I was allergic to something, but what was the big question. Through trial and error I discovered it was penicillin. I was told to soak in a bath of water and vinegar to relieve the itch as I am also allergic to benedryl. It relieved the itch almost immediately, and the hives started to settle. I have since developed an allergic reaction to soy and used the same method to relieve the lumps and itching.


From a flyer I got at a clothes swap:

Join us for a brief discussion on "freeganism" and a trash tour exploring the massive amounts of usable food that is wasted every day.

MONDAY, Oct. 17th
Discussion at 8:30 PM
Tour at 9:30 PM
Cafe 61 (southeast corner of 13th St. and 5th Avenue) organizes trash tours to expose the injustice of an economic system where massive quantities of consumer goods are produced and discarded while millions go without basic necessities. We work to expose the impacts of waste, mass production and materialism while advocating resource recovery as a sustainable, ethnical and liberating lifestyle alternative.

For more info & to further explore freeganism, go to


Instead of feeding the meter your hard earned quarters, feed it a sliver of aluminum foil. Watch in delight as the meter blinks "out of order". Save those quarters and use them towards rent and utilities, or the outrageous cost of gasoline.

It's an evil, unfair world out there. Lighten your load any way you can, bar hurting others. Good luck!

Thursday, October 6, 2005


What's that old adage about how no publicity is bad publicity? Here's another one for the old press kit.

In reference to "A Night Of Dirty Songs" in this week's music listings, Mike Wolf writes:

"Jessica Delfino is one of those musical comics who plays songs about sex acts and other corporeal functions with deadpan delivery. We don't mind hearing campfire songs about Delfino's vagina; it's more her lack of vocal skills and terrible guitar playing that bother us. Oh, and that she's not very funny."

I would say "um, owie, I guess?" except that I know they wrote that to take a shot at Brodeur, my beau, who is constantly telling them how badly they suck at doing their job because they're always promoting Clearchannel bands and sucking their advertiser's teats. I almost give them credit for writing this blurb about me - for once, they're actually writing about a lesser known artist, though Mike has never even seen me perform. If a dork slams Delfino in the overgrown, unkempt forest of music listings in Time Out NY, will anyone besides Christopher and a few stinky armpitted rock musicians read it? The fact that I'm putting it on my blog actually guarantees that a few people might see it.

They wrongfully assume their readers don't know how to think for themselves. Come form your own opinions tomorrow, Thurs., Oct. 6th at Galapagos in Williamsburg, 7-10 PM on "A Night of Dirty Songs" starring Ahna & Lauren, Stuckey & Murray, Christ's Abortion, Soce The Elemental Wizard and other kids in need of a good mouth douching!

And if you're feeling bold, write to Mike Wolf, call him a fat nerd and dare him to come to the show at

Monday, October 3, 2005


I've got the GERD
oh, you may have heard
or made an assumption
on a previous word
it's acid reflux
my insides are fucked
the doctors do say
I should be OK
though a rock and roll lifestyle
is mostly to blame
I took acid
a lot as a kid
about 200 times
that's 200 crimes
now the acid is back
in a formal attack
yes, it's come back around
for a late in life round
like Christy the car
in Steven King's yarn
my insides are sore
esophagus tore
Prevacid costs more
than I wish it were

Wednesday, September 28, 2005


12 ladies doing laundry on their rooftops
11 homeless people in the park across the street at any given time
10 on a scale of 1 to 10 of violent smells
9 day wait to get our toilet fixed
8 bucks for a cup of coffee at the new Starbucks on Delancey
7 times the humidity of a normal summer/autumn day
6 asian teenagers hanging outside on the bottle recyclables bin
5 golden dragon, etc. restaurants and laundry mats
4 people shot in our neighborhood since we've moved in
3 different kinds of fish eye soup
2 people crammed into a tiny one bedroom apartment
1 dollar taco bell burritos!

Saturday, September 24, 2005


Friend and comedian/writer Larry Getlen emailed me this. If any Opie and Anthony fans are reading this, and I know they are, don't submit jokes that you stole from Jim Norton or Opie or Anthony, and don't submit any jokes at all, actually.

Larry Getlen here, with an opportunity for comics to have their jokes and promotional information in a book that will be available in just about every book store in the country.

I am currently writing and compiling THE COMPLETE IDIOT’S GUIDE TO JOKES. Part of the very successful Idiot’s Guide series (over 20 million copies sold), the book will be released in September 2006 through Alpha Books, an imprint of Penguin Publishing. THE COMPLETE IDIOT’S GUIDE TO JOKES will be a reference guide of over 1,500 of the world’s funniest jokes cross-referenced by category, plus advice for the lay person on how to tell a joke in any situation.

Every comic whose jokes are included in the book will, of course, be credited right next to each of their jokes. In addition, the book will include a list of every comedian whose jokes are featured, which means you get a brief bio, including, if you like, your web page address (or, if you don’t have one, your E-Mail address).

Here’s the deal.

1. The main rule for these jokes is, the shorter the better. One-liners or two- or three-line jokes are best. When in doubt, 45 or 50 words is generally a good cut-off. However, if it’s on the fence, or slightly over, send it.

2. Jokes are welcome in every topic.

3. As far as language goes, I’d say if the book was a movie, it would be mostly PG-13 with flashes of R. No NC-17 or XXX. We’re going to generally avoid curse words, but, if a joke is simply brilliant and needs the profanity, we may be able to use it. When in doubt, send it.

4. HOWEVER, as far as subject matter is concerned, this is a book geared toward adults. No topic is off limits.

5. Send as many jokes as you like.

6. I’m looking to receive submissions as soon as possible. The deadline is October 5, but if you can send it earlier, that would be great.

7. Please feel free to forward this message to all your comedian friends.


Please send all submissions to me at

When sending your submission, please include:

1. Your Name
2. Your Snail Mail address
3. Your bio (including, if desired, your web or E-Mail address) – limit 50 words
4. In the subject line, please put: “Original submission for IDIOT’S GUIDE TO JOKES”

That’s all, folks. Thanks, and I’m looking forward to seeing your submissions on or before October 5.
Job Search Self-Sabotage
by Jessica Delfino

Reply to: see below
Date: 2005-09-14, 2:17PM EDT

We have a new live show in the works and are looking for a magician/illusionist to do a 15-25 minute routine during the show. Our music is instrumental and would work best with non-spoken visual magic. So if you can do any of the following tricks please contact me:
-Rings, Hoops, Levitations (humans or objects), Doves, rabbits, sawing a lady in half (or any variation), mirrors, boxes, card florishes, (ala Jeff McBride) etc. Stage stuff.

I used to do magic as a hobby so I could help with props, and supply female assistants if needed.

Thanks and hope to hear from you.

Dear We,

Hi. I'm a magician, and so it was only a matter of time before I magically uncovered your ad on Craigslist. It wasn't hard, the information came to me in a dream, as I am magic. In the dream, your band was a flock of birds. They flew over my bed, which was floating in a river. I was rowing the bed with a rock. A record player was at the foot of my bed, and Tiny Tim was playing on it. All of a sudden, the birds shit onto the record player and it skipped. This was a sign. I looked at the record and it said, "Craigslist."

This is only some of the magic I can do. In addition to dream decipherage, I can also make napkins disappear, I can pull handerchiefs out of my ears and nose, I can guess the cards which you are holding, and I can levitate, but usually only on Tuesdays.

In your ad, you say you can provide female assistants. I'd like that. I don't need them in my act, but if you could provide them anyway, that would be good.

I am pretty sure I got the job, as I had a dream just now that I did, and you know about me and dreams. No need for me to leave my number, or for you to write back. I'll just appear when the time is right.

Ned The Dude Who Knows Magic

Friday, September 23, 2005

Back To Stool

Chest pains. Sharp as fuck. 5 am. Woke me up.
Ouch! Ouch, ouch, ouch! Stop it! Stop! What the fuck?
Heart attack or super gas? Stood up. Went away. Phew.
Laid back down. Chest pains. Ouch, ouch! Stood back up.
OK again. Like this for an hour. 5:30 am, taxi to the ER.
Bf mad.

EKG. X-ray. Ouch, ouch! Ouch! Tests. Sleep. Doctor says
Gastritis. Body makes too much stomach acid. Why? Secret.
Prescription Pepcid. Industrial size bottle of Maalox.
When no one is looking, it goes into the purse.

Instructed not to eat! No! Eating helps dilute shittiness of living!
OK, can eat again. Small portions. No chocolate, booze, or pot.
Why? Is life not evil enough?

Medicine daily at noon. Eating small meals.
No tomatoes. No grapes.

Life is changed. Sucks horribly. Can't eat fave foods,
smoke fave drugs. Daily drug requirement. Life is ruined.

Enter pill regimen. No side effects. Til I eat.
Then I trip my ass off. Half hour at a time.

Maybe life isn't ruined after all.

Sunday, September 18, 2005


A live webcast is being produced at Helen Mills Theater in NYC today to raise money for the victims of Katrina, that violent bitch. If you are a comedian, come get involved. If you are a comedy fan, please watch. The website is All proceeds to go the American Red Cross.

Helen Mills Theater is at 137-139 W. 26th St. in NYC.

Thanks Debbie S. for the info on this.

Friday, September 16, 2005

I saw this listing my mind:

Emotionally overavailable white girl with enhanced ass seeks spiritually, emotionally and mentally mature person to entertain me 24/7. Ideally, you'll be funny in a way I like, rich and handsome (and a non-smoker) with a non-history of violence or incarceration. Preferrably, you will not be running for any political office and have no plans to do so in the future. Should have a spacious place to live, because I'll be moving in. Cats OK. You may have multiple lovers if you insist, but I should warn you that I have a knife and know how to use it. Should take me on improvised mini-adventures and road trips that don't necessarily have a destination. Should have regular hair, no blonde-spiky or half-mullets allowed. Must want to impregnate me and resume half of the responsibility for whatever the result is. Must be okay with spontaneous crying spells.

Any interested parties, please send me a telepathic or holographic message.

Thursday, September 15, 2005


There's this loud-ass alarm that was going off all night long last night. Tonight, it's doing the same thing.

It is a high-pitched, fast, steady beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep!
It's competing for most annoying thing about my block.


***Unplaceable smell of things dead, all the time
***Constant, spontaneous spitting by everyone
***Gangster kids who hit on me when I go to the deli (I'm afraid of them, because they look like they want to rape me, and I'm not just saying that because they're black, or because I think I'm hot, I'm saying that their facial expressions actually seem to be saying, "I want to rape you. Maybe tonight.")(I think the term I'm looking for is "menacing". Perhaps they will read this and change their menacing ways.)
***No place to park my horse
***Benches in the park covered in chewing gum and human filth
***New Starbucks going up on Delancey
***Various diseases and air-borne illnesses running rampant, I'm guessing
***Loud-ass high-pitched fast, steady beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep!
beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep!


***Super cheap food options, like dollar hot and sour soup, 25 cent ice cream sandwiches and 1.50 slices of good-ass damn pizza (food might not even contain parasites)
***Lots of homeless people to protect me
***Cool neighbors like Reverend Jen and her Troll Museum (located inside of her apartment), AsFour, very cute guy in 4B
***Would like to think of another non-annoying thing but can't hear my thoughts due to a continuous, ear-screeching, bad memory invoking beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep!

This block can be A-OK.

(Photo above: Some neighbors of mine)

Monday, September 12, 2005

Things Assholes Have Done To Me

Wow...I heard it through the grapevine that my songs can now be found on I-Tunes. I haven't actually seen it yet for myself, as my boss broke my computer so I can no longer install or remove any programs. He refuses to claim responsibility for breaking it, even though we both know he did. He's a millionaire, also. I'm a ten dollar-aire, on a good day.

Other things people have done wrong to me:

- A lady yelled at me at Staples the other day when I pulled out my "deli coffee cup as a leather wallet" change purse. She said, "That is disgusting. Just disgusting. Throw it out. You are too pretty to carry that." She rotated those four sentences for about the next six minutes or so.

- My mother birthed me.

- Mayor Bloomberg allows my apartment complex to have flickering hallway lights.

- Jesus hasn't come to save me, yet.

- My cute black kitty ran away from home and never came back.

- Three pounds crept back on me. That, technically is me letting myself down, but I'll blame the pounds themselves, thank you. (That puts me at 5'9", 136 lbs, or "super-hot", just in case any comment-writers are wondering.)

- And finally, my red jacket itches. Thanks a lot, cheap laborers.

Wednesday, September 7, 2005


Here's a timeline of my flip flaps:

I used to hate my tits so much. (I have, at one time or another, also called them shit balls of ugly and my punching nuts). When I was in grammar school, I discovered my blammos during basketball practice. I was running across the floor, and all of a sudden, I felt the fleshy udders dangling from my chest. I realized I had breasts. How do you have two boobs on your torso and you don't notice? I was 12, and I rarely showered at the time, obviously. 12 year olds don't need to shower. Their vaginas are used for storage only, still.

So, there they were. I loved them the same as any of my toys. I had an Odyssey computer at the time, and would play Pong and Dungeons and Dragons on it a lot. And I had tits. They were like bumper cars, the way I'd smash them into things. It took me awhile to realize that they protruded.

One time, a boy said my breasts were concave.

I found a dollar once, underneath a breast. In the morning, I saw the tooth I'd placed under my pillow was gone.

It's not that my ling lings are small, I don't think they are. I wrote a song when I was 21 about how small they were. Sometimes I sing it. But then people say, "You're boobs aren't THAT small." I start vomiting and call them liars.

It seems like they've actually grown a lot. They've grown and gotten better, without surgery. I don't know what happened. It's like I now have the tits I always wanted when I was 16. It seems like it would have made a bigger difference then. Like, maybe I could have been popular in high school. But now, no one cares. It seems like ALL my friends boobs are great.

Sometimes I like to look at my boobs in the mirror. I squeeze them and then quickly punch them afterwards so God doesn't get mad.

Wednesday, August 31, 2005


Especially when you have a friend named Jessica Delfino who comes over to your house and takes your old clothes and practically forces you to pay for half of her lunch.


Especially when you find a book about dreams that really "speaks" to you, and then two adorable but poorly raised kids loudly sit at the table you're quietly reading at and demand you watch them color for the next fifteen minutes.


Especially when you only have three dollars and they sell those god damn enormous half-pound bean burrito especiales (how the hell can you turn down a half-pound especiale anything?) for one dollar. At that price they must be making them in sweat shops in a foreign land. Either that, or it's not even real's actually beef, which is cheaper than bean.


Especially when they happen somewhere far away from where you live, and you can watch them on tv without any fear of their mighty power.


Especially when you haven't showered in awhile.

Monday, August 22, 2005

Your Music Lesson For The Day...and sadly, and obit.

Moogs are uber popular, but do you know what one is? A Moog is a crazy strange piano-sort-of looking instrument with knobs and levers and buttons which you can push and twist and tweak to create some of the oddest sounds imaginable. A lot of those mysterious synth sounds which we have heard in all the old 70s songs were made using Moogs. Yes, Pink Floyd, Manfred Mann, Led Zeppelin and many other superstars of the 70s and up to today all used Moogs. Rick Wakeman of Yes is still doing work with the Moog Foundation. (He's apparently an executive on the board...) Sadly, the father of the moog, Bob Moog, passed away. His obit and more information is below.

To learn more about moogs, google the word "moog".


BOB MOOG Dies at 71 of Terminal Brain Cancer

Bob died this afternoon at his home in Asheville, N.C. He was 71. Bob was diagnosed with brain cancer (glioblastoma multiforme or GBM) in late April 2005. He had received both radiation treatment and chemotherapy to help combat the disease. He is survived by his wife, Ileana, his five children, Laura Moog Lanier, Matthew Moog, Michelle Moog-Koussa, Renee Moog, and Miranda Richmond; and the mother of his children, Shirleigh Moog.

Bob was warm and outgoing. He enjoyed meeting people from all over the world. He especially appreciated what Ileana referred to as "the magical connection" between music-makers and their instruments.

A public Memorial Celebration is planned for The Orange Peel for noon, Wednesday, August 24th. Fans and friends can also direct their sympathies or remembrances to Caring Bridge

Bob's family has established The Bob Moog Foundation dedicated to the Advancement of Electronic Music in his memory. Many of his longtime collaborators including musicians, engineers and educators have agreed to sit on its executive board including David Borden, Wendy Carlos, Joel Chadabpe, John Eaton, David Mash, and Rick Wakeman. For more information about the foundation, contact Matthew Moog at

Thursday, August 18, 2005


So, NY Press put a big nice pic of me on page 31 in their MUSIC section, but here's where it goes wrong:

1. The caption says, "Where Sarah Silverman steals her material". Sarah Silverman is funnier than me. Why would she steal my material? So SHE can live in a hot, smelly chinatown shanty and go from getting paid and dating Jimmy Kimmel to NOT getting paid and dating CXB? If her desire is to be more like me, I encourage her to dive into the Delf mess.

2. I'm not performing on that show. I was supposed to, but had to cancel to perform for the weekend down near Baltimore. All Stars Comedy Cafe is the name of the place. It's in a mall. In a restaurant called Jillian's. Someplace called Arundel Mills. I'm actually pretty excited. I'm getting paid - fuck yeah! I'm white.


Horse: Hey horse, did you hear about that bad heroin that is going around? People are using it and then they die.
Other Horse: I wish that would happen to me.

Ooooh, also,

3. NY Press forgot to credit the photograher, who is my friend, Nico.

And finally, this is neat:

4. Diane O'Debra is on the right in the red dress in an ad for Jennifer Blowdryer's play, White Trash Debutante (which I saw and was really just simply put, very good. And Diane was particularly terrific.) (

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Vegetarian Bucks The System
by Jessica Delfino

I have a doubly restricted diet - I'm a vegetarian, and I'm poor. So, where do the poor vegetarians of this city turn? How about Taco Bell?

The Taco Bell near my house sells lots of stuff for around a buck. You can get a yummy apple caramel dessert thingy for a buck, a drink for a buck, pintos n' rice for a buck, the old bean burritos are like, 79 cents, and now, they have this new 1/2 pound burrito that is massive and delicious. It's beans (mostly lard, I'm sure, but lard of the finest taste and quality I assure you) and melted cheese. And it's only a buck! If you're lucky, you may even have an exchange like the one I had there, free of charge:

I entered Taco Bell in my aqua colored skirt and orange tank top, looking as good as a two piece with a biscuit. A dread-headed black man who was not a hippy immediately began to devour me with his eyeballs. He started making sucking sounds, to indicate that I am probably delicious. I couldn't tell by his expression if he wanted to make love to me or murder me, so I just assumed it was both.

MAN: Hey,'re looking fine today...
ME: Hello, sir. I thank you for your compliment.
MAN: You looking for a boyfriend?
ME: Well, no, actually, I came here to get a burrito.
A few people in line chuckled. I thought the man was going to get angry, but then he smiled to tell me a story in teeth.
MAN: You funny.
ME: Thanks.
MAN: What's your number?
ME: I guess I'm....fourth.
MAN: Ha, ha, you funny.
ME: Ha, ha, thanks.
MAN: I'll see you later.
ME: That sounds great!

Taco Bell's attached to KFC are good, too. Then, you can get corn for a buck, a side of cole slaw or mashed potatos for a buck, those yummy ass fries for a buck....

A lot of people want to know WHY I'm a vegetarian, and WHY I don't eat meat, and they want me to EXPLAIN my eating habits and principles, and simply put, how can one not be vegetarian when Taco Bell is so cheap? Burgers are like, $4! I can't afford to eat fatty, heart-unhealthy, anti-animal meat products. I only wish!

Hey guy who provides beef for people, go fuck yourself! I'll take my delicious, animal-friendly, vegetarian lard roll.

Tuesday, August 9, 2005

OTTTBLOLWSIFOL (Other Things To Type Besides LOL When Something Is Funny On Line)
by Jessica Delfino

I think it's a really good idea to stop using "LOL" unless you are trying to explain that after you wrote or read something in an email, you actually and truly LAUGHED OUT LOUD.

For example, I wrote something to someone in an email, and then wrote LQTM, which means LAUGHED QUIETLY TO MYSELF. Because that's what I did.


sol - sort of laughing
nlao - not laughing at all
gaol - giggling annoyingly out loud
coapoc - choking on a piece of corn
lshism - laughing so hard i shit myself
slapbmpntmtwtgpwtl - snorting loudly and publicly because my parents never told me that was the grossest possible way to laugh
garme - groaning and rolling my eyes
atcsbmbaomatb - about to commit suicide because my bills are overwhelming my ability to breathe

...and so on.

Try it today!

Friday, August 5, 2005


In this episode, I try to make my boring life seem interesting!

In the news today:


Have any of you ever been to hell before? It's fucking hot there. Satan runs the thermostat and he's a total jewish person* with the air conditioning. I've never been to hell, but I know everything there is to know about hell from reading comic books, the bible and thanks to various joke forwards and comedians' sets. Plus, I have a feeling I'll get to visit someday.

Anyway, JESUS - it's hotter than HELL outside today, according to the temperatures I've read that hell can reach. But luckily for me, I have a friend who spends a lot of money on being comfortable. He bought a big house and fitted it with one of those air conditioners that if used inappropriately could blow the walls out of your home and create a small tornado. It's so cold that it enables me to use my vagina as an ice machine. That's cold!

*NOTE: It's okay if I write that, because the person who's house I'm at is Jewish. There's actually some irony there in that the Jewish person who's house I'm at actually uses his A/C like a normal person. So, I'm round-about-ly complimenting Jewish people and Satan. I hate how I have to explain anything challenging on my blog or else everyone will get pissed off. Watch - by the end of the day I'll have received at least three angry emails from Jewish people and Satanists and several happy ones from racists and Jesus.


For three days now, there have been several Con Ed utility vehicles, trucks, vans, cop cars, fire trucks and dudes with moustaches all around the area of Allen and Broome, near where I reside. All the manholes are open and people are climbing in and out of them, as if they're hanging out at some guy's house who lives underground. It's really hot out (as mentioned in above article) and I can't imagine how those dudes can be climbing in and out of those holes. I wonder if they are having any flash backs to birth or are making any jokes or references to wombs as they do this work.

Some guy got zapped yesterday, either on a manhole cover or by some wire. The story I heard from one of the men (I stopped and asked) was that they had some electrical problems and a lot of the electricity went out in my neighborhood. It didn't go out in my building. I live in a fancy building with marble walls and floors, and an elevator. I think that it's probably one of the fanciest buildings on the block. Secretly, I think the power didn't go off in my building because a gang leader lives there. I hope the people who have no power have something else they can use, like a generator or magic.


It's true. It's a cut-off jean skirt that is all frayed at the bottom. I think I either got it at a second hand store or found it in a bag of clothes in the hallway of my old apartment building. It's a little big for me, but I wear it anyway. I even wear it sometimes when I'm riding my bike. That's considered "inappropriate" by some, but I don't mind being inappropriate. I tie a jacket around my waist and the sleeves cover up the area where my special spots are.

Plus, didn't you read the first article? It's fucking hotter than hell outside today.
It's almost as if God invented summer to help propagate the species. I think perhaps we should ask the mayor to change the name from summer to fuck season, because I appreciate bluntness in conversation.

Monday, August 1, 2005


See, even people with chipped teeth can live a high life.

Sunday, July 31, 2005

The Story of the Fake Tooth in me
by Jessica Delfino

TRUE STORY: One of my front teeth is fake.

I got pushed off a boat by my dad when I was about 6. Does that sound harsh to you, the reader? It probably sounds less harsh than it actually was.

First of all, my dad was my step-dad, not even my real dad. He probably had no right to be pushing me anywhere. We were in a dinghy (another word for boat) fishing in the reeds in a river in Maine. I sat aperched upon the boat's siderail, life-vest framing my face and body like a dramatic and ugly hair-do. My dad said, "Hey Jess, wanna go swimming?" I looked up at him, a blue-eyed-doe-eyed girl in all my 6 year old glory, and squawkily replied with trust, with love, with naivete', "Yeah, dad!" He then briskly shoved me into the murky, shallow waters, whence I immediately smashed my face and teeth into the side of the boat in a panicked frenzy of gasping and hand-thrashing. I was a very insecure child.


When I was five, I saw my mom get locked inside a laundry mat. She had been drying her wets, and the mean man said it was closing time, half an hour early. My mom said, "I still have a half hour, mister," and he said, "It's my mini-evil empire, and if I say beat it, you gotta beat it." So, my mom said, "I'm not leaving til my laundry's done, buddy." So, the guy locked her in the damp laundry store. My mom is a strong, doesn't take any shit kind of mom. So, her next move was to pick up the chair-attached-to-table-attached-to-chair and lunge it over her head through the plate glass window, like some medieval war heroine. (Xena, She-ra, etc.)

The guy promptly started shitting in his pants. He said, "Now, I'm gonna have you arrested!" She climbed out the window, yelling, "Now, I'm gonna kick your ass!"

A chase ensued, and my Aunt, who had been watching the whole thing with me in the parking lot took me inside so I wouldn't be witness to the bloody beating which the bad man was about to experience.

Later, my mom would come home and hide the pot pipe, just moments before I watched her get arrested by the police. I was such a cute kid. I remember asking the cop, "Are you gonna take my mom to jail?" I thought it might help.

This all seems much funnier in my head than it's actually probably coming out.

HENCE: I feared my mother would be taken away from me for the remainder of my childhood. That feeling gave way to the fear in my teens that she would never leave me alone.

WHICH BRINGS US BACK TO: He then briskly shoved me into the murky, shallow waters, whence I immediately smashed my face and teeth into the side of the boat in a panicked frenzy of gasping and hand-thrashing.

A chunk of my front tooth about the size of a pea is rotting as we speak on the bottom of the muddy river of Jefferson, Maine's Damariscotta Lake. Unless a fish ate it, got caught, and then went into a person/bear's tummy. Then it's in the woods somewhere.

My dad refused to fix my broken tooth, (which perhaps eventually led to my broken youth) and insisted I instead brave the evil child years of grammar school with half a front tooth. I believe this is part of the reason I nick-named him dookey daddy over dinner one night. My sisters and I chanted this at him, forks in hand banging on the table, as all we sat eating dinner. It infuriated him so badly, he screamed at us, stopped to spit his food out, screamed at us some more, then picked the chewed up bite of steak back up, put it in his mouth and finished chewing it when he was done yelling.

LATER: In college, I got a job at Banana Republic. Part of my job was to make a spiffy khaki display using these plexiglas sheets covered in some kind of contact tape. Another part of my job was to peel the sheets of contact tape off. As I did this to one, it came flying up and hit me in the chipped tooth, and chipped it some more. I reported my chip in my chipped tooth to a supervisor, and she insisted I leave and go to the local Banana Republic dentist to get it looked at right away. I did. And got paid to do that!

In his office, he told me that he could remove the whole tooth and replace it with this special space-age porcelain (the same stuff they make toilets with) which is exactly like a tooth in every way. It feels like a tooth, looks like a tooth, tastes like a tooth, even reflects light - just like a real tooth. They are made in Sweden using some kind of hi-tech computer generating thing, and cost $10,000 each. He said it would be Banana Republic's treat. I said yes.

During the whole ordeal, I had a fake fake front tooth for awhile. He made it out of some shittier crap that wasn't like a real tooth at all. It was like a huge piece of obvious. It could have been corn or chicklets, or some other foodthing. It was grosser than gross. But then, I got my new big white ten grand tooth.

During a performance with my band, I accidentally smashed my front tooth with the microphone in a particularly passionate performance, and re-cracked my ten thousand dollar tooth.

I guess some things were meant to be, and one of them was that there was meant to be a chipped front tooth in me.

Saturday, July 30, 2005

Notice the "P" in this POOL

I walked around the other scorching, stifling day to try to find some sweet relief in the form of a chlorinated, over-crowded pool. I found a nice pool on Thompson St. near Spring St. and my heart welled with sweaty joy until I realized it was a children-only pool. What do kids know about being hot and overworked? Why should they get all the cool water? Why isn't there a 29 year olds only pool somewhere?

So, I took an over-heated walk over to the pool at Varick St. and Carmine, and when I got there, I noticed the pool was swarming with sharks - the men kind. It was also just about to shut down for a break, I assume to torture hot New Yorkers so that when they opened it back up it'd seem that much more awesome.

As I was walking away, I rounded the corner and noticed the line - about 150 loud teenage people long. If that wasn't intimidating enough - there was a sign that read, "No bathroom available until 5:30 PM." That meant when the pool opened at 4, there'd be no place to "go" for an hour and a half - no place, that is...except for a cool, chlorinated body of water encased in plastic and tile.

New York City really puts the poop in pool. Why not just have a public shit and piss pit? Knowing this city, it's slated for 2006. I won't be surprised if they even charge admission.

It's disturbing to know that in a city with a budget of 50 Billion dollars, they can't toss a grand to the toilet department at the public pool.

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

The sin of this sketch isn't that it was offensive or wrong, the offense is that it was fucking boring. What would have been better is if they'd had a bomb threat sketch where they actually blew up the theater. That's what I would have done if I was in the festival. I would have bombed, I'm saying....

Head of comedy festival admits hoax bomb threat was inappropriate

From Yahoo exclamation mark news:

MONTREAL (CP) - The head of the Just for Laughs comedy festival admitted Friday a skit involving a hoax bomb threat was inappropriate on the same day that London was again the target of bombers.

"When I made the crack, we weren't aware of the attacks in London," Gilbert Rozon said.

"If we had known, we certainly wouldn't have done it."

On Thursday, a technician gave Stephan Bureau, who was hosting a show at the festival, a note saying there had been a bomb threat.

Rozon and two other people then emerged dressed as firefighters before he told the audience through a megaphone that it was "just for laughs."

Nobody complained, he said.

Rozon added that the gag had been conceived on Wednesday, a day before one person was injured when three London subway stations and a bus were the target of bombers.

Rozon said the hoax idea came about because Dieudonne, a French comedian who was being interviewed at the time, is often the subject of various threats for comments deemed by some to be anti-Semitic.

Thursday, July 21, 2005


Ever wanted to see the Trachtenburg Family Slideshow Players
but didn't have 15 clams to see the show?

(They accept clams as payment.)

They're filming a free live DVD taping on Friday, July 29th from 1:45 - 6 PM at the Lamb's Theater, 130 W. 44th St. bet. 6th and 7th Aves. So, show up around 1:30 and look for a bunch of yuppies, or hippies, or kids or whoever. No charge!

The Trachtenburgs are a family which travel around the world with their famous slide/rock n roll comedy act. Mom is on the slide projector, Dad is on keys/guitar and 11 year old Rachel is on drums. They buy slides at old estate sales and make projected videos to songs with (and about) the slides. Many of their songs are about people who are long dead.

Never-the-less, this show is an all-ages show.

They are wonderful people, as well as being hugely entertaining and successful showman and ladies. And they have a cute puppy too, named Emma who sometimes attends and is in the show.

They have a show running right now at the Lamb's Theater for a few more dates, but it's not free, or being filmed for posterity. It's only free on JULY 29TH from 1:45 - 6 PM.

RSVP at if interested / available.

I've seen them perform like, 29 times and every show has been a lot of fun....and Jason (dad) is funny.

"Raising cocker spaniel puppies is outrageous! Better check for kennel cough...cause I hear you might catch it..."
- Mountain Trip to Japan, 1969

Learn more about the Trachtenburgs at: