Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Holiday Craft Season Is ON!

Some of you look forward to Black Friday for shopping purposes, others like it because it means that Thanksgiving is over and you can get away from your emotionally retarded aunt or a freakishly stupid person who you are ashamed to be related to.

I hear ya!

But the reason I love Black Friday, besides the fact that it's called "Black Friday" (how bad ass does that sound? It's definitely the best named "day" of the year) is because it means my holiday crafting festivities are an official "go".

Crafting may sound boring to you, but that's because you are boring. To me, crafting is just a blank canvas for which I can craft upon. It's kind of like how guys go to baseball games so they can drink and bang chicks who like dudes who wear baseball themed clothing. Our crafting sessions can get pretty wild! Much like baseball watching parties, there is the copious amounts of alcohol and plenty of food and snacks. How do you think I keep this big ass all big and ass-y? Craft season. (My ass was Kardashian before hers was.)

And when girls get together and drink, they talk, and that's fun. We talk about everyday stuff, of course, but there are always lots of fun sex stories - some of which could be those little horny stories in the beginning of older Playboy or Hustler mags. I'm always kind of shocked, impressed and delighted at the dirty shit that comes out of my sometimes socially uptight friend's mouths after they've had a drink or two. It cements my belief that the world is dirty and we might as well embrace it in the form of song.

To make matters even more exciting, my man is taking off for a week to go do a job in Germany, so that means I get to have my whole place to myself to spread out all my glitter and paper pieces and plastic knick knacks I've been saving for a decade and fit them all together while the neurons in my brain explode with happiness and I watch Stella and drink and my cat sits on whatever I'm working on incessantly and my friends bring their crap over and we talk about how to trick this or that fella into loving this or that girl.

When we're done, I have about 40 dozen tampons cut into trees and stars of david ornaments, two of which I stick into my ears, because they are bleeding. Gross! And then I sell this stuff on Ebay. Whooo! (see photo above) This year, I'm selling packs of 3 for $10.

But wait, why read my blatherings when you can just listen to a song I wrote about it - it's called the Crafter's Anthem - enjoy!

And speaking of songs, here's my classic stoner Thanksgiving jam, "Happy Stoned Thanksgiving". If you'd rather hear my songs wwooooaahhhh - on the radio - no problem. Listen for "Only A Stranger's Cock" on The Red Peters show on SiriusXM's Howard 101 Channel -

Thursday (Thanksgiving) at 5
Friday at 10
Saturday at 7
Sunday at 4

I'll be in the 2nd section. If you're not familiar with Red Peters, check him out. He loves dirty songs, just like me.

If you'd like to own my Christmas CD, "Perfect Holidays"

or buy it on Etsy and have the actual CD for a little less.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. This year I'm thankful for the same things I'm thankful for every year - sappy stuff, snarky stuff and pharmaceuticals.


Thursday, November 10, 2011


*issued irregularly*

Ms. Delfino as a giant ukulele - photo by Anya Garrett

Hey Guys!!

I hope you have all had a great Halloween. I marched in the parade dressed as a giant ukulele. I accidentally 420'd before the parade which was a terrible idea, because walking up the street dressed as a giant ukulele with She-Ra to my left and "A TV Dinner" to my right, waving "high" to a few hundy thou peeps will incite a slight out of body experience, and is not recommended, unless you like that sort of thing. It was the scariest Halloween I've had in awhile.

A WORD ON "420'd"

Yeah, I said 420'd. But that's better than what my mom calls it. "Have you been smoking a bone?" she'd ask me when I was a teen. And I'd say, "Well, let's see, mom, my eyes are crossed and are so dry, when I close my eyelids, they fold over themselves like disheveled car floor mats, and I can't form coherent sentences. I'd say that's a big fat yepperooni. But regardless, no one says "smoking a bone" anymore, mom. Not even other baby boomer hippies. So, if you're not going to ground me, then will you please make me a sandwich?" Or at least that's what I said in my head. It sounded probably a little more like, "Mmmeehhmmm ummm nooooo"...

I haven't 420'd in forever. Why do I keep saying that? Because I'm afraid if I write the real thing, the one CIA agent who understands hippie code will come to my door and demand I hand over the pots. That's what 420ing does to you. It makes you paranoid. So if you must smoke it, then at least stay in school, kids. Even if you are going to school high.

Left to Right: TV Dinner, Ukulele, SheRa, like that needed explaining.

Speaking of pot, please enjoy this FREE SEASONAL SONG on the theme of Thanksgiving.

Or, check out a brand new Delfino jam aqui. Or, why not kick back with a fine snifter of brandy and hear a whole bunch of dirty folk songs right on this link right here.


I'm headed to DC this weekend, Nov. 11th and 12th with the girls of Stripped Stories, so if you're in the Washington, DC area, stop by and hear us spin tales of hilarity and sexiness. You can find out more about the show right at this website here. Live in NYC or Philly but wanna see the show? No problem, chiefs.

I have a new website in the works, and I'm pretty excited about that. More details soon.


Dependable, creative, funny camera person with pro camera and gear -- ideally one who can also edit -- to shoot a comedic short. This position offers a daily $tipend. If you live in the NYC area and I have described you, please get in touch, and send resume or list of projects you've worked on. Filming will take place late Nov / early December in NYC. JessDelfino at Gmail dot com.


OK that's all for now. If you don't already, follow me on Twitter and I will occasionally squeeze out something ridiculous, hilarious, messed up, boring or just plain wrong. Promise.

Wanna see where I'll be performing next or what I'm into between these long lonely updateless stretches? Check the blog.

Until next time,

PS - Next month is effing Christmas already. May I suggest my fun Christmas album, "Perfect Holidays" available on iTunes, which is great for Granny and the kids. Seriously! It's practically PG, except for one song that talks about wanting one thing for Christmas, something related to people's butts. Oh, and do you count talking about marijuana PG? Because I do. Bye!!

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

aka fun with Credit Card Companies

I saw a twitter post yesterday that said to stick your credit card inquiries back into the reply all envelope and return them to the company just to send it back to where it came from, because they get charged by the ounce. I tried to find it to post it here and give them credit, but I've gotten about 40,000 tweets since then and can now no longer find it.

I liked the idea, and have done similar fun business reply mail pranks, ie, sending people I dislike subscriptions of horrible magazines (such as NAMBLA Weekly, yuck yuck) or when President Bush was fund raising, I'd sign up on his mailing list just to waste their campaign funds, not like it really affected them too much, they are as rich as or possibly richer than Satan.

But it was fun to do and gave me that "stick it to the man" inner glow that keeps me looking and feeling my best.

So, yesterday when I saw that tweet, I put it in my brain case for later, and later was today, when I got 2 credit card solicitations in my mail box. I decided, maybe I can use that logic to get removed from their mailing list without having to call and sit on the phone with them for 45 minutes, getting transferred from one sad phone operator to the next having to tell my story 15 times in a row to do something simple, like get removed from a mailing list.

Enjoy, use, pass it on.

This is one of my fun, little ways of "Occupying Wall Street". I'd like to hear what kinds other people do and join forces to create a great big book of social pranks.