Sunday, October 30, 2005

At Age 29, if you are me -

You develop strange, unannounced esophageal ailments that cause you to lose upwards of 20 pounds. (The weight, not the form of currency)

You wonder if there's a way to simultaneously live in N.Y. and Sweden.

You start to think there are no good men out there at all.

You feel a sudden, psychic, mysterious connection with everyone and everything around you - enemies, illnesses and poverty included, because what else would explain the shittiness of life?

You ponder the meaning of the word "crazy" for real, real.

You desire pound cake by the loaf.

You start sewing for no good reason.

You cut your own hair and don't even give a fucking fucking shit, god fucking dammit!
It's hair and it will grow back.

You buy necessities at the dollar store so you can save up for a medical procedure that your insurance won't cover.

You are criticized by people who wish they could fuck you or be you.

You are forced to quit drinking alcohol and smoking pot, two of the few things that brought some relief into your chaotic existence.

You start to achieve something that was thought to be impossible - like making a living writing songs about vaginas.

You degenerate a tiny, but important and key bit.

Friday, October 28, 2005


Don't cry for her, Argentina - she jumped ship instead of opting for front row seats to the Apocalypse. I wouldn't be surprised if suicide rates increase all over the world in the next 7 years. (2012 is supposed to be a peak year for turmoil, according to the bible and various "angels of death" approaching people in their dreams.)


FREDERICA, Del. — The apparent suicide of a 42-year-old woman found hanging from a tree went unreported for hours because passers-by thought the body was a Halloween decoration, authorities said yesterday.

The body had hung across the street from homes on a busy road since late Tuesday or early Wednesday, state police said. Suspended about 15 feet above the ground, it was visible to passing vehicles.

State police and neighbors said people noticed the body at breakfast time Wednesday, but dismissed it as a prank. Authorities were finally called three hours later.

"They thought it was a Halloween decoration," Mayor William Glanden's wife, Fay, told The News Journal of Wilmington. "It looked like something somebody would have rigged up."

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

END OF TOUR DIARY - Lisa "Suckdog" Carver - DRUGS ARE NICE

I think the past three days were some of the most fun I've ever had in my life. After Philly, we drove to DC in the rain. The worker girl at the club was mean. She didn't know about any reading show thing, acted indifferent and grumpy. The show was great and consisted of Faith and Jude as the opening act - a hippy-looking man played guitar while he and a rastafarian angel woman sang strange, sometimes political ditties; a band who's name escapes me, but who's chaos and costume reminded me a bit of Les Georges Leningrad; Dame Darcy, myself and then Lisa's reading, which ended in complete chaos with the audience getting upheaved, chairs getting knocked over, and skirted asses getting exposed. I guess I might as well say it now, because it's no secret anymore - the grand finale of the reading is a pizza getting pissed on. The grumpy girl bought one of my CDs and her whole attitude changed, until she found out that I was the wig-donning pisser. She then wouldn't talk to me anymore, and complained about having to throw the rug away. I felt badly, until Lisa told me she'd paid $100 bucks for that moldy-assed tarp of a carpet. The LEAST we could have done was pissed on it.

Drove back to Philly in the pouring rain. For some reason, it took us about 15 hours to get home. We stayed at "Lisa" actor Paige Steel's house; who, in addition to being a gracious host and complete saint of a person, did a terrific, magical portrayal (in both DC and Philly) of Lisa in her crazier days. Her house, with three levels, a summer melon-colored couch, shelves full of classics, and a (clean) refrigerator stocked with Limonata and grapes, reminded me of what it must be like to have a normal life.

In the early afternoon, we drove back to NYC, enlightened by a soundtrack of rain, cellphone chatter and Bobby Sherman hits. Later at KGB Bar in NYC, I arrived fashionably late to a packed room with a $65 ticket in hand for riding my bike on the sidewalk. I tried to argue with the cop, but he was too fat and complacent in his cop magesty to understand. There was no stage to perform on, so I stood on the padded seat to play my songs. My set went well, and after my set, the sketches and Lisa's reading went as planned. There was no stage, so the pizza box was put atop a table.

A healthy urine stream douched the table, cleared out about a quarter of the room, and certainly cleared the table. I've never seen five people get up from a seated position so fast in my life.

Later, at the afterparty in Galapagos, another "Lisa" actor, Anna, "Costes" actor Andy (who was brilliant and hilarious as Costes) and myself had a wrestling match covered in ketchup, as Anna and I engaged Andy in a hostile and aggresive pants removal operation. I believe my butt and perhaps a breast got exposed.

The pizza scene got all messed up, so the grand finale was basically "GG" getting a complete golden shower. I was completely sober as my whiz rained down on GG's bare stomach, and was so delighted by the organic chaos of it all, I was bent over, crying actual tears of laughter and ecstacy. And as an homage to the fleeting moments of pure, free, unhindered emotion that are so seldom in my life, I washed the ketchup off my hands in the waterfall of my own waste. My boyfriend still refuses to speak to me over all of this, though I concede that it was a beautiful mess of art and human expulsion.

The best part of the evening was later when I came out to perform some songs with my guitar (and a different outfit). The sound man came over to me and said, "I'm really sorry about this all." I looked at him dumbly. "What happened?" I asked, scrubbing wads of paper towels across the dewy floor boards. "You didn't see what happened? Well, someone pissed all over the stage," he said. "Punk rock!" I exclaimed with a twinkle in my eye, as a purple ketchup-covered wig lay snuggled, mangled in my bag, backstage.

Buy Lisa "Suckdog" Carver's book, "Drugs Are Nice" and try, if you can, to live a life a little less confined.

Monday, October 24, 2005

TOUR JOURNAL - Philadelphia

In Philly with Lisa "Suckdog" Crystal Carver and Dame Darcy and crew. On the ride here, we saw a sticker on the side of a light post that said, "Dog Waste Removal" and a phone number. Picking up a dog's business is apparently someone's business. They just come over and pick up your dog your...lawn...I guess. Or, wherever...

We arrived in Philly around 5 and went to Franklin Institute to see the Bodyworks exhibit. It was intense, grotesque, profound, stunning, bizarre, provocative, shameless, and other adjectives. This man took people who had donated their bodies to science, and used them to create this huge exhibit with rooms and rooms full of real live dead people posing in all these different poses, from playing basketball, to dancing, to a dead man riding a real dead horse. There were also all these real organs and slices of every body part you can imagine from brains to hearts to livers to fat people's legs, splayed out in cases so you could gawk at them in complete shock, horror and amazement. I've always been acutely aware of my own mortality and being in that exhibit made me even more aware of it. I was a bit overwhelmed with how many poses you can put dead people into. He also posed birds, and the aforementioned horse, and there was also a whole room with a pregnant woman with her stomach cut open to reveal her dead baby, fetuses at every stage of pregnancy, and a bunch of dead babies who'd died in the womb from various causes.

I left feeling a bit like a walking dead person.

The show was at Robin's Books at 7 PM, and it was a fun time. Dame Darcy played some songs on her autoharp, then I played some dirty folk rock songs. We then did a few sketches, which went over pretty crazily. If any of you have ever seen Lisa's stuff, you'll understand what this means.

We capped off the evening at Tattooed Mom's on South Street, making beaded necklaces and belts with the tons of buckets of beads they left out for drunk people to enjoy.

A good time was had by all.

DC tomorrow night, NYC on Tuesday.

Saturday, October 22, 2005


Alright, so I'm going to be in Philly, DC and then back to NYC with Lisa "Suckdog" Carver's book tour for her new Soft Skull Press book, "Drugs Are Nice". (

I will be playing a very memorable (and surprise) role in her reading/sketch, and I will also be performing a few dirty folk rock HITS. (Read:songs about vaginas)

I might even be going West with them in early November when they head to DC, LA, Seattle and Portland, Oregon.

This will be exciting, as I hear that this Lisa character can be kind of unpredictable. I'm looking forward to having a little bit of chaos in my life with someone I'm NOT dating.

The Philly show is tomorrow, Sunday at 7 PM at Robin's Books.

I will be performing my dirty folk rock on her shows in Philly, DC, and NYC, as well as my surprise role in her reading. I may join Lisa and co as they cross the US to the West Coast and do some dirty ditties in LA, SF, Portland, OR and Seattle. This should take place the second week of November.

More details to come.

If you have never heard of Lisa "Suckdog" Carver, google her and get yourself an underground education.

The show tomorrow night, Sunday, is at Robin's Bookstore, Philadelphia, PA. 7 PM.
Monday in DC, Tuesday in NYC.

Friday, October 21, 2005


I'm performing in Lisa "Suckdog" Carver's reading for her new book, "Drugs Are Nice" (Soft Skull Press) at KGB Bar, Oct. 25th at 7 PM. I won't give it away, but my role will be quite memorable. I encourage you all to come and see me do the most daring thing I've probably ever done on stage. After party will be at Galapagos at 10 PM.

If you can't make that show, perhaps you'll be interested in checking out the Philly show on Sunday, October 23 2005 at 7:00pm at Robin's Books. She invited me to go and perform at that show, too, but we're cramming into her small car. So, if anyone has a car and wants to drive down there, let's go and have a little road adventure together.

Here is the info about the Philly show, if you are considering going on a little road trip:

Robin’s Books
108 S. 13th Street
Philadelphia, PA
(215) 735-9600

Here is some more info about Lisa and her book, from Soft Skull Press's website,

In honor of her new memoir DRUGS ARE NICE, Lisa “Suckdog” Carver will be doing an unconventional and unforgettable lecture on post punk: why is happened and what went wrong. Accompanied by ethereal comic artist Dame Darcy on the singing saw, Lisa will draw diagrams and dry erase, explaining how chaotic, self-violent, transgressive performers like GG Allin, Suckdog, Lydia Lunch, and The Swans came to be. Also why they didn't wear colors and why they smelled so very bad. She will then turn the room (by top secret methods we would die rather than disclose here!) into a physical representation of ten minutes of the era she like to call "the late 80s, early 90s."

“The 31-year-old married mother from Dover may well be the country’s supreme cultural anthropologist: part literary provocateur, part social analyst. She’s been called everything from this decade’s ultimate underground Renaissance woman to America’s horniest optimist. Hunter S. Thompson in a miniskirt.” –Boston Magazine

“When Newt Gingrich wakes up sweating in the middle of the night with a hard-on and a sense of nameless dread, the face that he sees might be Lisa Carver’s.” –Time Out New York

“Carver is arguably the best-known non-celebrity her age. Try spitting into a poetry slam without hitting someone who hasn’t read her or been punched out by her.” –Utne Reader

And for more info on Lisa "Suckdog" Carver, check out her myspace site:

Wednesday, October 19, 2005


Who doesn't love a good naked person all up close? You know why? Do ya? I'll tell you why. It's because in America, nakedness is all secretive - it's a hushy, shushy taboo. The site I'm about to tell you to go to is interesting, because it is simply a long, flowing, moving row of women who are fully clothed - but when you run the cursor over each naked body, it shows the same woman totally naked from head to (camel) toe (except for some reason, they have a different hair-do in the nude pix). You can slow the screen down by moving the mouse to the right and then examine each and every body all up and close.

I felt like I was peeking into a secret room when I saw this - a voice in my head was saying, "Do these people know that they are on the world wide web - totally naked?" Something told me for some reason, they don't know. But I doubt it - if I was naked on line, I would think someone would tell me.

Here's a special added butt bonus: If, while the mouse is rolling over the body, you click the clicker button, it shows the ass view.

NOTE: I didn't say every woman's naked body was perfect, or even hot. But there is something titillating about seeing even an unattractive naked body. I almost feel like part of the artistic "point" of this site is just that - you never can tell what a nude body will look like under its clothes. So, be careful what, or more appropriately, who you wish for.

ONE MORE NOTE: Be careful if you're looking at this at work - it just pops up, and then before you know it, there's all this nakedness all over the place.


Saturday, October 15, 2005

The World Is Too Predictable...

I just heard on 1010 WINS a story about a man who was getting a tattoo that read "Last Rites", when he passed out and fell face first into a glass counter, which shattered and cut his throat.

He was getting a tattoo that read "last rites" and he DIED.

Can this world be any more predictable?

We've all heard stories where a man named "James Killson" killed his son, or "Harry Crimeworthy" was arrested for robbing a bank, or "Jennifer Slutsky" was arrested for prostitution. When will the readability of life end?

Is there any doubt in anyone's mind that I shall die penniless? I'm willing to bet my future fortune on it.

Just for once, I'd like to see a glaring contradiction occur. Surprise me! Let's have a Donald Lovelife commit suicide. Let's have a Sally Poor win the lottery. Let's have a priest rape a child...

Hm. Perhaps there is a little flip-floppery in life to be had now and again, after all.

This just overheard on WINS: A lady and her daughter have gone missing. A friend of the lady is concerned, because she said the lady "hears voices in her head." I didn't even need to HEAR the rest to jump to my own conclusion, but her friend's soundbite detailed, "I'm afraid if she hears a voice that tells her to kill herself and the child, she might follow through."

I wonder what happened to the girl and her baby.

Any guesses?

I'm just throwing this out there, as there's no way that could have actually happened, right? Based on the laws of the predictability of life, she probably just went shopping or visited relatives out of state.

This is the reason I both have no children nor pay any mind to the voices in my head.

It's like aliens or gods are playing a very sadistic game on us all. (NOTE: If I don't someday get to write a book and title it the above line, I'd like it written on my tombstone, please.)

Thursday, October 13, 2005


This is a long but useful entry.

I stole Abbie Hoffman's "Steal This Book" from Barnes and Noble in 1995. I didn't know it then, but I was to learn that the way we are taught to do just about EVERYTHING in life is ass-backwards. There is no way capitalism CAN work for the have nots; it's geared specifically to make the rich richer. If you'd like to be able to live affordably in NYC, the first tip is to steal and read "Steal This Book" from any Barnes and Noble or large chain. Though it is old and much of the information is out of date, the message remains the same - there is a better, more efficient, less expensive way to do everything.

Don't ever steal from a small or independently owned book store. The mom and pop shops are being edged out by the big chains and will soon be gone forever. Some people say stealing is wrong and I agree to a certain extent that stealing is wrong. Stealing money or belongings from friends is wrong. Stealing TVs and Ipods and things of "desire" is wrong. But stealing food or things that are used for survival, especially from large chains, is never wrong. Especially when something that costs pennies to make is sold for dollars, and when the cost of living in NYC is what it is. Even if you have a high paying job, you are getting ripped off by every business every where every day. If you don't believe me, look at your Verizon phone bill and you'll note that we are charged a tax that pays Madison Square Garden's electricity bill. If that is the case, why the hell are concert tickets so expensive? And where does that money go?



In our opinion, as long as there is a phone company, and as long as there are outlaws, nobody ever need pay for a call. In 1969, alone, the phone company estimates that over 10 million dollars worth of free calls were placed from New York City. Nothing, however, compares with the rip-off of the people by the phone company. In that same year, American Telephone and Telegraph made a profit of 8.6 billion dollars! Ripping off the phone company is an act of revolutionary love, so help spread the word.

You can make a local 10 cent call for 2 cents by spitting on the pennies and dropping them in the nickel slot. As soon as they are about to hit the trigger mechanism, bang the coin return button.

[JD: I don't know if this would work with 50 cents now or not. I suggest giving it a try. You have nothing to lose, besides 2 cents. Also, VERIZON is the most expensive phone company there is. Bargain hunt and save money. There is also a public assistance program, that, if you qualify for, can save you money on your phone bill. You can also get phone service through the internet for cheap and free.]


There are many ways to sneak into theaters, concerts, stadiums and other entertainment houses. All these places have numerous fire exits with push bar doors that open easily from the inside. Arrive early with a group of friends after casing the joint and selecting the most convenient exit. Pay for one person to get in. When he does he simply opens the designated exit door when the ushers are out of the area and everyone rushes inside.

[JD: A good way to see free movies is to plan a full day at the movies. Buy a ticket for a noon film, and spend the rest of the day theater hopping from movie to movie. My record is 8 movies in one day. For the outrageous cost of one ticket at $11.00, you are now actually getting your money's worth. I do this about once a month and get seeing all the blockbusters out of the way in one day, for one tenth of the price. For extra value, bring your own popcorn, soda and snacks from home. Now THAT'S value. Don't EVER buy movie theater popcorn or soda. $8 for a soda and popcorn is simply robbery, and nothing less.]


When mailing to the same city, address the envelope or package to yourself and put the name of the person you are sending it to where the return address generally goes. Mail it without postage and it will be "returned" to the sender.

[JD: I deliver all my outgoing in town mail myself, on my bike. I sent out over two hundred of my CDs to various NYC addresses last year, and estimate I saved about $200 in postage by just delivering them myself. To make it extra convenient, arrange to drop it off while en route to somewhere you're going that is near there anyway. (For example, I drop off CDs at The Village Voice when I go to the Bowery Poetry Club on Mondays.) There is no reason why every single person in this city shouldn't ride a bike to get to where they need to go. Public transportation is for the rich, the lazy and the complacent. The elderly and the sick are the ones who pub trans is most appropriate for. This is also a good way to cut out expensive gym memberships and you also have the $80 a month subway fare you can put towards food and rent. Congrats - you just saved $130 per month. And your body is fit on top of it.]


In S.T.B., Hoffman references a free clinic, NENA, at 290 E. 3rd St. I'm not sure, but it might be what is now still a low-income clinic (with flexible pay scale) called Ryan-Nena. It's at E. 3rd between B and C. Another tip is to always have a jar of apple cider vinegar on hand. It's a magic cure-all, and if you don't believe me, try drinking a cup of water twice a day with two teaspoons of raw, organic apple cider vinegar mixed in and note the results. It completely cured me of my stomach ailment; something that modern medicine could not do and did not do. And at 2.69 a bottle, it's well worth the value. You can use it to heal everything. Check it out:


***Our son had a wart growing near the cuticle of his finger, starting to go under his nail. After putting apple cider vinegar on a band-aid and wrapping it on the finger for about a week, the wart was gone and never grew back. Place a new apple cider vinegar band-aid on the wart each night.

***My mother drinks this every day and does not have high cholesterol. My aunt had very high cholesterol and tried a prescription drug for it. The drug caused some liver problems and she had to stop taking it. Then she tried this and lowered her cholesterol by 40 points: 1 quart apple juice, 1 pint purple grape juice, 1/4 to 1/3 cup apple cider vinegar. Drink 1/2 to 1 cup daily.
***If you douse your cold sore repeatedly with vinegar it will dry it up and eventually prevent further outbreaks.

***I was having terrible hot flushes during the day and night until a friend told me about apple cider vinegar. I take 1 or 2 tsp of vinegar with a glass of water 3 times a day or more and the hot flushes are gone right away. The taste is not bad at all and it doesn't upset my stomach. I feel like I'm back in the land of the living!

***I have used vinegar in water for arthritis and it takes the swelling and stiffness away. I use 1 tablespoon in water twice a day. It has given me my life back.

***This was given to me by a chiropractor who checked my urine and told me it was "gunky." Drink 1 teaspoon of apple cider vinegar in 4 ounces of water once a day for 5 days.

***As a child I was plagued with sprains. My grandmother mixed apple cider vinegar with red clay, heated it and made a paste. It was placed on the sprain and then wrapped with strips of an old sheet. After an hour the paste was soaked off with warm water and my sprain was healed.

***I have blepharitis, a recurrent eyelid condition that causes intense itching, redness and swelling. After trying every OTC I could think of (and reading the Vinegar Page) I tried dipping a cotton swab in full strength apple cider vineger and carefully swabbing the affected eyelid 2-3 times a day. Within a week the symptoms were gone! I told my doctor about it and he said just be careful not to get the vinegar in your eyes.

***My husband had a toothache for 2 days and tried all the over the counter relief medicines with absolutely no relief. I had been reading the pages about medicinal uses of vinegar and when I read how it takes the pain out of a sprain and arthritis I figured, "What does he have to lose?" So we put apple cider vinegar on cotton balls and he put it in his mouth and bit down gently for a few minutes. To our surprise his pain was gone. My mother then told me later that her father used to use vinegar for his teeth. Its amazing how the old fashioned "home remedies" really work, and of course they are a lot cheaper. (Note: Always rinse your mouth thoroughly after using vinegar, as it deteriorates the enamel. --Pat)

***For a cough that will not stop, make a remedy my brother and I always called Witches Brew. This was from my Great Grandmother.
Mix 1 Tbs Butter
1 Tbs Sugar
1 Tbs Vinegar
Melt it together, and take while still warm.

***To resolve chronic indigestion or heartburn, take 2 tablespoons of apple cider vinegar in 1 ounce of water each evening after supper.
A reader adds: I suffer from chronic acid reflux where I wake up usually at 2 a.m. regurgitating. I've tried many medications but always quit because of side effects. A doctor said to take two teaspoons of vinegar for the acid reflux. I did it and I now swear by it. For some reason the acid from the vinegar stops the acid from the reflux. In the last six months I have regurgitated only once and that is because I forgot to drink the vinegar.

***When I was growing up whenever one of us caught our finger in a door, Mom would get a cup of vinegar and stick our finger in it. It would sting for a bit but it helped take the pain away very quickly. I think the smell also helped calm us. As an adult I have done this and it still works.

***I have had migraines all my life. I was taking 6 Excedrin tablets a day. I started taking one capful of vinegar, lie down for twenty minutes and the headache is gone!

***One evening while watching tv, I started itching. First my face, then my arms and down the line it went. I discovered I was covered in hives. Apparently I was allergic to something, but what was the big question. Through trial and error I discovered it was penicillin. I was told to soak in a bath of water and vinegar to relieve the itch as I am also allergic to benedryl. It relieved the itch almost immediately, and the hives started to settle. I have since developed an allergic reaction to soy and used the same method to relieve the lumps and itching.


From a flyer I got at a clothes swap:

Join us for a brief discussion on "freeganism" and a trash tour exploring the massive amounts of usable food that is wasted every day.

MONDAY, Oct. 17th
Discussion at 8:30 PM
Tour at 9:30 PM
Cafe 61 (southeast corner of 13th St. and 5th Avenue) organizes trash tours to expose the injustice of an economic system where massive quantities of consumer goods are produced and discarded while millions go without basic necessities. We work to expose the impacts of waste, mass production and materialism while advocating resource recovery as a sustainable, ethnical and liberating lifestyle alternative.

For more info & to further explore freeganism, go to


Instead of feeding the meter your hard earned quarters, feed it a sliver of aluminum foil. Watch in delight as the meter blinks "out of order". Save those quarters and use them towards rent and utilities, or the outrageous cost of gasoline.

It's an evil, unfair world out there. Lighten your load any way you can, bar hurting others. Good luck!

Thursday, October 6, 2005


What's that old adage about how no publicity is bad publicity? Here's another one for the old press kit.

In reference to "A Night Of Dirty Songs" in this week's music listings, Mike Wolf writes:

"Jessica Delfino is one of those musical comics who plays songs about sex acts and other corporeal functions with deadpan delivery. We don't mind hearing campfire songs about Delfino's vagina; it's more her lack of vocal skills and terrible guitar playing that bother us. Oh, and that she's not very funny."

I would say "um, owie, I guess?" except that I know they wrote that to take a shot at Brodeur, my beau, who is constantly telling them how badly they suck at doing their job because they're always promoting Clearchannel bands and sucking their advertiser's teats. I almost give them credit for writing this blurb about me - for once, they're actually writing about a lesser known artist, though Mike has never even seen me perform. If a dork slams Delfino in the overgrown, unkempt forest of music listings in Time Out NY, will anyone besides Christopher and a few stinky armpitted rock musicians read it? The fact that I'm putting it on my blog actually guarantees that a few people might see it.

They wrongfully assume their readers don't know how to think for themselves. Come form your own opinions tomorrow, Thurs., Oct. 6th at Galapagos in Williamsburg, 7-10 PM on "A Night of Dirty Songs" starring Ahna & Lauren, Stuckey & Murray, Christ's Abortion, Soce The Elemental Wizard and other kids in need of a good mouth douching!

And if you're feeling bold, write to Mike Wolf, call him a fat nerd and dare him to come to the show at

Monday, October 3, 2005


I've got the GERD
oh, you may have heard
or made an assumption
on a previous word
it's acid reflux
my insides are fucked
the doctors do say
I should be OK
though a rock and roll lifestyle
is mostly to blame
I took acid
a lot as a kid
about 200 times
that's 200 crimes
now the acid is back
in a formal attack
yes, it's come back around
for a late in life round
like Christy the car
in Steven King's yarn
my insides are sore
esophagus tore
Prevacid costs more
than I wish it were