Thursday, December 31, 2009


Happy New Year! As a special offer to my loyal fans and friends, I'm inviting my regular readers to join my "SONG OF THE MONTH" club absolutely friggin' FREE! Membership has its' privileges, ya know.

As a SOTM club member, you will get:

***An inbox invitation to hear a NEW "SONG OF THE MONTH" every month!***
Hear new songs before the general public gets invited to hear it!

*** You'll also get free tickets to special events!***
Attend recording sessions and private listening parties
that WILL NOT be sent out to my public lists.

*** Here's the best part:***
You will also get YOUR OWN personal membership card,
designed by me, Jessica Delfino, art school grad.
Hold onto your card, because you'll be able to present it for
 discounted and free admission to shows and events!

*** Finally***
You'll get other surprises through out the year,
as they come along.

TO JOIN: 

Please send an email to jessdelfino@yahoo.com with the subject, "SONG OF THE MONTH" club. In the body of the email, please write your mailing address if you would like your membership card mailed to you, or it will be emailed to you to print out yourself. If you don't have a printer, you can also print it at the library, which is free at most branches -- did you know that?

After joining, be sure to mark the email address "jessdelfino@yahoo.com" as NOT SPAM so that your SONG OF THE MONTH club emails will be able to get through to you, timely, with no problem!

Later in 2010, there will be a fee to join the song of the month club, so get your FREE MEMBERSHIP while it lasts! And spread the word!! If you are under 18, please check with your parents before joining, unless you are a rebel and are willing to suffer the consequences of getting busted listening to twisted ditties. See ya real soon!

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

VICTOR VARNADO / CLAUDIA COGAN PODCAST

This is the fun-time podcast we recorded last night at an east village bar. It kinda sounds like three drunk-ish people having a fun, drunk-ish conversation while music plays in the background, because, that's exactly what it is.
LISTEN IN TODAY on 93.9 FM, WNYC, between 11 am - 1 pm

I'm going to be on WNYC's Leonard Lopate show today, Tuesday, talking about my Smith Magazine's 6 word resolution contest submission, which was one of the winners. It was, "Make neo-feminist comedy go main stream". Call it 6 and a half words, if you will, I call it art-ctivism. You can listen live here online.

My other six word resolution: "No more postponing rape whistle orchestra".

Who wants in? Email me for more info and your very own place in the rape whistle orchestra, rape whistle included.

FUN: A recent podcast I appeared on with comedian Jamie Lee

BONUS: Daily OM

SAVE THIS DOG: (passed on by a friend) This pooch was put on a euthanize list today, anyone want a lovely white pit bull?
RICHIE – A841982 – 5 yr male pittie – 43lbs – Stray, 12/18 – Medical rated him a MILD!!!PLEASE CALL THE MANHATTAN SHELTER AT 8AM 1(212)722-4939 AND PRESS 0 TO GET SOMEONE ON THE PHONE AND GIVE THEM HIS ID#841982 AND LET THEM KNOW THAT YOU WANT TO COME DOWN TO ADOPT HIM AND GIVE THEM YOUR NAME AND NUMBER TO SAVE HIS LIFE.KEEP CALLING TILL YOU GET SOMEONE ON THE PHONE RICHIE'S LIFE DEPENDS ON YOUR CALL TO SAVE HIM.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

QUICK POINT

I've started putting advertisements onto my blog to help cover the costs of running an independent
dirty ditty business. You can help me to continue my dirty ditty enterprise by making a charitable
donation via paypal.com (jessdelfino@yahoo.com). It's quick, easy, free (except for the cost of
the donation), tax deductible and awesome of you.

Another way you can help is to click on a link, any old link, for any old reason. You don't have
to buy anything, just click, get up and use the ladies room or go make a sandwich, return and
be done with it all.

At the bottom of one of my posts, there is a horse & carriage ride link -- I DO NOT CHOOSE THE
ADS THEY POST, but I DO NOT CONDONE horse & carriage rides. So click on any other one but that
one, if you click on the links.

FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY BLOG ADS, thank you.
TODAY'S INTERESTING READING

Why not learn ya a little somethin' today?

This first article is about Dolly Freed's 1970s book, "Possum Living". It captured my imagination because this
is essentially how I live, well, without all the turtle shooting. I first saw this article on the Flavorpill Boldtype newsletter.
This Dolly Freed character is a pretty fascinating lady. She became a NASA engineer with only a high school diploma, and
has a very likable and endearing way about her. This article includes a 3 piece youtube mini doc about her and her
dad who did "Possum Living", including the appearance the book she wrote as a young lady got her on the Merv
Griffin show.

This next article was sent to me by a friend, and is about the true, mystical symbolism of Christmas. It's pretty neat! It's really long but just read it until you get bored, then move onto someone else's blog.

Enjoy how ever much of it you can get through!

The psychedelic secrets of Santa Claus
By Dana Larsen - Thursday, December 18 2003
Modern Christmas traditions are based on ancient mushroom-using shamans.
(Art by Jimmy Bursenos: solsticestudios.net --plus all the links at the
bottom of the page-- can be seen and found at the link below)

http://www.cannabisculture.com/articles/3136.html

Although most people see Christmas as a Christian holiday, most of the
symbols and icons we associate with Christmas celebrations are actually
derived from the shamanistic traditions of the tribal peoples of
pre-Christian Northern Europe.

The sacred mushroom of these people was the red and white amanita
muscaria mushroom, also known as "fly agaric." These mushrooms are now
commonly seen in books of fairy tales, and are usually associated with
magic and fairies. This is because they contain potent hallucinogenic
compounds, and were used by ancient peoples for insight and
transcendental experiences.

Most of the major elements of the modern Christmas celebration, such as
Santa Claus, Christmas trees, magical reindeer and the giving of gifts,
are originally based upon the traditions surrounding the harvest and
consumption of these most sacred mushrooms.

The world tree

These ancient peoples, including the Lapps of modern-day Finland, and
the Koyak tribes of the central Russian steppes, believed in the idea of
a World Tree. The World Tree was seen as a kind of cosmic axis, onto
which the planes of the universe are fixed. The roots of the World Tree
stretch down into the underworld, its trunk is the "middle earth" of
everyday existence, and its branches reach upwards into the heavenly
realm.

The amanita muscaria mushrooms grow only under certain types of trees,
mostly firs and evergreens. The mushroom caps are the fruit of the
larger mycelium beneath the soil which exists in a symbiotic
relationship with the roots of the tree. To ancient people, these
mushrooms were literally "the fruit of the tree."

The North Star was also considered sacred, since all other stars in the
sky revolved around its fixed point. They associated this "Pole Star"
with the World Tree and the central axis of the universe. The top of the
World Tree touched the North Star, and the spirit of the shaman would
climb the metaphorical tree, thereby passing into the realm of the gods.
This is the true meaning of the star on top of the modern Christmas
tree, and also the reason that the super-shaman Santa makes his home at
the North Pole.

Ancient peoples were amazed at how these magical mushrooms sprang from
the earth without any visible seed. They considered this "virgin birth"
to have been the result of the morning dew, which was seen as the semen
of the deity. The silver tinsel we drape onto our modern Christmas tree
represents this divine fluid.

Reindeer games

The active ingredients of the amanita mushrooms are not metabolized by
the body, and so they remain active in the urine. In fact, it is safer
to drink the urine of one who has consumed the mushrooms than to eat the
mushrooms directly, as many of the toxic compounds are processed and
eliminated on the first pass through the body.

It was common practice among ancient people to recycle the potent
effects of the mushroom by drinking each other's urine. The amanita's
ingredients can remain potent even after six passes through the human
body. Some scholars argue that this is the origin of the phrase "to get
pissed," as this urine-drinking activity preceded alcohol by thousands
of years.

Reindeer were the sacred animals of these semi-nomadic people, as the
reindeer provided food, shelter, clothing and other necessities.
Reindeer are also fond of eating the amanita mushrooms; they will seek
them out, then prance about while under their influence. Often the urine
of tripped-out reindeer would be consumed for its psychedelic effects.

This effect goes the other way too, as reindeer also enjoy the urine of
a human, especially one who has consumed the mushrooms. In fact,
reindeer will seek out human urine to drink, and some tribesmen carry
sealskin containers of their own collected piss, which they use to
attract stray reindeer back into the herd.

The effects of the amanita mushroom usually include sensations of size
distortion and flying. The feeling of flying could account for the
legends of flying reindeer, and legends of shamanic journeys included
stories of winged reindeer, transporting their riders up to the highest
branches of the World Tree.

Santa Claus, super shaman

Although the modern image of Santa Claus was created at least in part by
the advertising department of Coca-Cola, in truth his appearance,
clothing, mannerisms and companions all mark him as the reincarnation of
these ancient mushroom-gathering shamans.

One of the side effects of eating amanita mushrooms is that the skin and
facial features take on a flushed, ruddy glow. This is why Santa is
always shown with glowing red cheeks and nose. Even Santa's jolly "Ho,
ho, ho!" is the euphoric laugh of one who has indulged in the magic
fungus.

Santa also dresses like a mushroom gatherer. When it was time to go out
and harvest the magical mushrooms, the ancient shamans would dress much
like Santa, wearing red and white fur-trimmed coats and long black
boots.

These peoples lived in dwellings made of birch and reindeer hide, called
"yurts." Somewhat similar to a teepee, the yurt's central smokehole is
often also used as an entrance. After gathering the mushrooms from under
the sacred trees where they appeared, the shamans would fill their sacks
and return home. Climbing down the chimney-entrances, they would share
out the mushroom's gifts with those within.

The amanita mushroom needs to be dried before being consumed; the drying
process reduces the mushroom's toxicity while increasing its potency.
The shaman would guide the group in stringing the mushrooms and hanging
them around the hearth-fire to dry. This tradition is echoed in the
modern stringing of popcorn and other items.

The psychedelic journeys taken under the influence of the amanita were
also symbolized by a stick reaching up through the smokehole in the top
of the yurt. The smokehole was the portal where the spirit of the shaman
exited the physical plane.

Santa's famous magical journey, where his sleigh takes him around the
whole planet in a single night, is developed from the "heavenly
chariot," used by the gods from whom Santa and other shamanic figures
are descended. The chariot of Odin, Thor and even the Egyptian god
Osiris is now known as the Big Dipper, which circles around the North
Star in a 24-hour period.

In different versions of the ancient story, the chariot was pulled by
reindeer or horses. As the animals grow exhausted, their mingled spit
and blood falls to the ground, forming the amanita mushrooms.

St Nicholas and Old Nick

Saint Nicholas is a legendary figure who supposedly lived during the
fourth Century. His cult spread quickly and Nicholas became the patron
saint of many varied groups, including judges, pawnbrokers, criminals,
merchants, sailors, bakers, travelers, the poor, and children.

Most religious historians agree that St Nicholas did not actually exist
as a real person, and was instead a Christianized version of earlier
Pagan gods. Nicholas' legends were mainly created out of stories about
the Teutonic god called Hold Nickar, known as Poseidon to the Greeks.
This powerful sea god was known to gallop through the sky during the
winter solstice, granting boons to his worshippers below.

When the Catholic Church created the character of St Nicholas, they took
his name from "Nickar" and gave him Poseidon's title of "the Sailor."
There are thousands of churches named in St Nicholas' honor, most of
which were converted from temples to Poseidon and Hold Nickar. (As the
ancient pagan deities were demonized by the Christian church, Hold
Nickar's name also became associated with Satan, known as "Old Nick!")

Local traditions were incorporated into the new Christian holidays to
make them more acceptable to the new converts. To these early
Christians, Saint Nicholas became a sort of "super-shaman" who was
overlaid upon their own shamanic cultural practices. Many images of
Saint Nicholas from these early times show him wearing red and white, or
standing in front of a red background with white spots, the design of
the amanita mushroom.

St Nicholas also adopted some of the qualities of the legendary
"Grandmother Befana" from Italy, who filled children's stockings with
gifts. Her shrine at Bari, Italy, became a shrine to St Nicholas.

Modern world, ancient traditions

Some psychologists have discussed the "cognitive dissonance" which
occurs when children are encouraged to believe in the literal existence
of Santa Claus, only to have their parents' lie revealed when they are
older. By so deceiving our children we rob them of a richer heritage,
for the actual origin of these ancient rituals is rooted deep in our
history and our collective unconscious. By better understanding the
truths within these popular celebrations, we can better understand the
modern world, and our place in it.

Many people in the modern world have rejected Christmas as being too
commercial, claiming that this ritual of giving is actually a
celebration of materialism and greed. Yet the true spirit of this winter
festival lies not in the exchange of plastic toys, but in celebrating a
gift from the earth: the fruiting top of a magical mushroom, and the
revelatory experiences it can provide.

Instead of perpetuating outdated and confusing holiday myths, it might
be more fulfilling to return to the original source of these seasonal
celebrations. How about getting back to basics and enjoying some magical
mushrooms with your loved ones this solstice? What better gift can a
family share than a little piece of love and enlightenment?

FURTHER LINKS AND REFERENCES:
- The Hidden Meanings of Christmas, Mushroms and Mankind, by James
Arthur
- Santa Claus & the Amanita Muscaria, by Jimmy Bursenos
- Who put the Fly Agaric into Christmas?, Seventh International
Mycological Congress, December 1999, Fungus of the Month
- The Real Story of Santa, The Spore Print, Los Angeles Mycological
Society, December 1998
- Santa and those Reindeer: The Hallucinogenic Connection, The Physics
of Christmas, by Roger Highfield
- Fungi, Fairy Rings and Father Christmas, North West Fungus Group, 1998
Presidential Address, by Dr Sean Edwards
- Fly Agaric, Tom Volk's Fungus of the Month for December 1999
- Father Christmas Flies on Toadstools, New Scientist, December 1986
- Psycho-mycological studies of amanita: From ancient sacrament to
modern phobia, by Jonathan Ott, Journal of Psychedelic Drugs; 1976
- Santa is a Wildman, LA Times, Jeffrey Vallance

BOOKS WORTH READING:
- Mushrooms and Mankind, by James Arthur
- Soma: Divine Mushroom of Immortality, by Gordon Wasson
- Mushrooms, Poisons and Panaceas, by Denis R. Benjamin
Two Chord Minimum, Dec. 28th, 8 PM
Upcoming show details:

Two-Chord Minimum - New York's finest comedy/music show - is happy to present its first show at the PIT!

You've got comedy in my music! You've got music in my comedy! Tastes great!

Featuring:

Rob Lathan ("Get Psyched!",VH1, Late Night with Conan O'Brien)
Linda San Lucas (Broadway Comedy Club)
Hal Oral (Gotham)
Jessica Delfino (Edinburgh Fringe Festival)
The 'Drelles (Christina Casa & Kassi Dougherty)
and more!

Hosted by Michelle Dobrawsky (Broadway Comedy Club, SuperEgo Comedy)

Monday, December 28th
8:00 PM
People's Improv Theater
154 West 29th Street between 6th and 7th, 2nd Floor
Tickets are $5
http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/90443

Saturday, December 26, 2009



It's fun for the whole family, except for the kids! It's the rape whistle song! Live at Ars Nova's Showgasm show this past fall.
Who is that fella in the back drop watching me? A secret service guy?

PS -- I'm going to be on WNYC's Leonard Lopate show this Tuesday talking about my Smith Magazine's 6 word resolution contest submission, which was one of the winners. It was, "Make neo-feminist comedy go main stream". Call it 6 and a half words, if you will, I call it a little sliver of my hopes and dreams.
"I WANNA BE FAMOUS" on Itunes

I know it seems like this should be common idiot sense that my CD should have been put on Itunes years ago, but I'm literally a one woman enterprise here. I even do the work of the people who are supposed to be working for me.

So FINALLY, FINALLY, my CD "I Wanna Be Famous" is live and up on Itunes. There, you can buy the whole CD electronically (all 15 songs, including "My Pussy Is Magic" and "The Rape Whistle Song") for $10 smackeroonies. If you want the actual CD, which is really beautiful -- I illustrated it myself and it features a full-color poster inside and all the lyrics -- it costs a little more and the only way to currently buy it is through me via paypal.com, so if you'd like to own it, email me $12 at jessdelfino@yahoo.com and it will get mailed to your door in a matter of days. It's really that easy.

Or you can go to your Itunes store and put the magic words in: JESSICA DELFINO. Then, you'll see this:



And life will start to get instantly better.

If you want to hear a BRAND NEW SONG, visit Myspace.com/jessicadelfinotunes to hear "FIGHT THE PARTY", my DECEMBER song of the month jam. The song of the month series is produced by HandCancel.com out of Brooklyn, NY.

MERRY CHRISTMAS, HAPPY CHANUKKAH, HAPPY KWANZA, HAPPY NEW YEAR.

See ya in 2010! Maybe sooner.

Monday, December 21, 2009

NEW SONG OF THE MONTH -- DECEMBER 2009

Today, Dec. 21st, in collaboration with Handcancel.com, I give to the world a NEW SONG entitled, "FIGHT THE PARTY". This is part of a new project where every month I release a new single. This month's choice cut is a hypnotic jam based on my experiences performing in the underground NYC party scene.

I hope you enjoy it!!! I'll be performing in Brooklyn on New Year's Eve for the first time live, where else? At a huge underground party. For those of you who know me and know the parties I'm talking about, this song is for you. Keep partying against the fight!

Last month, we dropped, "Happy Stoned Thanksgiving", a mellow stoner-centric number to celebrate the high holidays. The song was met with celebration and much positive feedback. I'm now in talks with a very large record label and will keep you posted on the outcome. Hey "other" record labels, it's not too late to get in on this sweet bidding war...email me, wink.

Wine me. Dine me. I can take it.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Two Days In The Life of...

I don't have too much exciting news today, unless by "news", you mean opinions and observations, dribbled out onto the internet like I just had a dental procedure done and can't help myself. But then again with the news these days, what's the difference between that and my drool? Zing zang and zung. Today, all I've got for you is a recap of my week. Boring? Maybe. Maybe not. You be the judge. No, go ahead. Judge me. I can take it.

On Tue I hung out with an old (she's like 30 something) friend from Texas who used to live in NYC. We met up for nibbles at Vanessa's, the greatest LES dumpling hole in the wall since holes and walls began. We tossed back a few soups and some sesame pancakes, (always delicious, always wicked cheap) then went over to yet another release party for KONG Magazine at Happy Ending. There was a raffle, a sex toy was given away (a rabbit), I won it. Last night, I was asking my bf if he wanted to try it out, and he was absolutely horrified. He said, it's basically just doing my job. And I thought about it and he was right. The wily el rabbitos have been coming to America and taking all the American men's jobs. No wonder men are such big cry babies all the time.

Anyway, a bunch of pals came out to the mag party (there was an open bar but it was this gross sake that wasn't even very strong, and I know, because I drank like 8 of them and walked out of the place an hour later in a straight line). We all hoofed it over to Slipper Room to see Seth Herzog's SWEET show (my Tuesday night mainstay, as of late) and it was packed and awesome fun.

Yesterday I was a model for an upcoming Time Out NY story which I'm very excited about, that's supposed to hit the stands in early Feb. While I was there, a group of friendlies such as Julie Lamendola from the band Ching Chong Song and Phoebe Croix and some other folks I know from Sidewalk Cafe started setting up instruments and performing a live concert in the middle of Time Out NY. It was pretty strange and wonderful. Apparently they shoot shows there once a week. I saw Noah Tarnow, host of Big Quiz Thing who I haven't seen in ages but know from the old days of Collective Unconscious in the Lower East Side, and Jay Ruttenberg who I know through some old pals, the Trachtenburgs. The show was really great and I'm glad I got to see a few songs before I had to jet out the door for my Skits'N'Tits business meeting.

At the meeting, we discussed putting together a web series, and what our new sketches would be for the Wed Jan 13 show. We have a TERRIFIC surprise for that show which is so good, we are not even allowed to share what it is, but TRUST US, you MUST see this show. After the rehearsal, I performed at the always fun INNER MONOLOGUES story show, made a new neighbor friend, sold some of my subversive holiday ornaments and came home to a hot dinner, prepared and waiting for me to inhale.

Life is good, sometimes.

Today I work on building my new office.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009



Plug from the Pill

I love Flavorpill's mailing list -- first of all, they're selective. They don't just list any old thing. Second, they list really interesting events that I'm often tickled by. Third, they've got style. And I do like me some style.

Today, they've confirmed for me that they've still got it, by listing the awesome upcoming Craftermath craft show. They did muck it up a little bit by saying it was "my brainchild", I actually co-created this show with Daniella LaBocca, lady producer extraordinaire and stage manager of the awesome Skits'N'Tits, in addition to being a wicked sass master, feminist and new but fast close friend. The ChiChiones will be doing burlesque but also presenting crafts of their own (as NYC's most CRAFTASTIC burlesque group) and a few other great gals will be on hand to show their work, including Jenny and her tiny subversive paintings and more. We will also have snacks and some special tricks up our sleeves, TRUST US, we like to entertain and can't help but do things slightly awesomely.

It's THIS SAT, 6-9 PM, free, 269 Local @ 269 E. Houston / Suffolk. F to 2nd Ave or bike / walk / taxi it from your house. Do not miss it, k?



By the way, my other favorite mailing lists are FreeNYC, GirlyGirl Army and I really and truly especially love Jeff Stark's Nonsense NYC, with an honorable mention to Down By The Hipster and a few others which are skipping out of Mindtown right now like they have a court date tomorrow and they know they're gonna lose.

See ya Sat!

If for some reason you can't make it, it's OK, I'm on etsy at DENofDELFINO, though my trees be way cheaper in person.



And last but not least, I not only have tree ornaments made out of tampons, but also now, NEW! Stars of David, for your favorite Hanukkah bush. Happy 5th day of Hanukkah!

Monday, December 14, 2009

EXCITING NEWS!! What Would Jesus Buy? on TV tonite!

I was commissioned by producer Morgan Spurlock to write the anti-Christmas carols in this film. I'm so excited to see that it is going to be showing on The Sundance Channel. Please check it out if you have cable. If you don't, you can watch it here for free online. I found this movie to be highly entertaining, heart wrenching and informative, as well as blasphemous and a fun holiday film. I saw it at the Edinburgh Film Festival a few years ago on the big screen, it looked great.

Here is a memo from Reverend Billy with more info:

Monday night 9 PM EST, What Would Jesus Buy? –-starring Reverend Billy, Savitri D and the 40-voice Life After Shopping Gospel Choir-- will premiere on the Sundance Channel.

Rev and Savi will be honored to chat with you as we watch the film together, live! Go to http://revbilly.com/wwjb

Join the joyous gritty anti-consumerists as they tour the country trying to stop the shopping frenzy. From Buy Nothing Day in Times Square – to Christmas Day in Disneyland in 30 days.

For those without the Sundance Channel, you can watch WWJB? online with an Instant Netflix account, or you can stream it for free at SnagFilms.com!

The film is produced by Morgan Spurlock and directed by Rob VanAlkamade. Created in 2005, before the Great Recession, the film conjures much of the tragedy that has happened since. Amen!


Film Poster

Friday, December 11, 2009

I'M RELAXING IN THE WOODS...

...of sorta Philadelphia this weekend, celebrating Hanukkah, no, I'm not Jewish, thanks for asking, but some friends are and so this girl here named me packed up her bags, including the big one that Tyra Banks told me not to carry and then later gave me, left the big city and went to a medium sized city to learn and partake in the festival of lights.

And what a fest! We started the evening with veggie reubens made with those sweet ass smoked tempeh fakin' bacon strips, moved on to baking sugar cookies and completed the evening watching old Pee Wee Herman, Peter Paul & Mary and Stevie Nicks videos. It was a real night of Reubens. Thank you, I'll be here all weekend. I opened my Hanukkah gift -- THE STRANGERS WITH CANDY TRAPPER KEEPER!!! -- and we watched about 8 episodes while sipping tea in front of the fireplace.

God, I wish I was Jewish. These people know how to live!

I was in a movie a few weeks ago created by Victor Varnado and a bunch of other friends. In the movie, I played a mentally challenged drug dealer's assistant (Myka Fox). You can't imagine the research I had to do to accurately portray the role. (Side note: After the film, I rushed to be in the Miss G Train competition, which I got kicked out of in the first round with a success story about how I saved my money and moved out of Brooklyn and how now I ride the F train and I'm relieved because the G train sucks, and I was wearing the retard assistant coke dealer's costume and I looked like an uber idiot.) Anyway, the movie trailer is up and ready, see it here. I'm not in the trailer, but you may recognize some other faces, such as Micah Sherman and Eliza Skinner.

In other news, I found out yesterday from a Keith and The Girl listener that the song I wrote and played at my Charmin "Enjoy The Go" Times Square bathroom entertainer audition is now up and live, being played for passing pissers and poopers who happen in to utilize the fancy cans. I had 2 call backs and they didn't end up hiring me, but they liked my song, and now you can like it too, as you're "heaving and straining" in the Times Square crappers, or you can save the $4.50 round trip it would cost you to take the subway and just watch it here on the front page of the Charmin Enjoy The Go website. If you want to go see it live and in person, I don't blame you. I think the #1 and #2 trains go there, heh heh.

I was also thinking I might head up there next week, linger around the lavatory with my ukulele and suck up a little attention as I get spotted by relieved patrons, post pee pee.

OK, gonna go face plant onto the king coils of my guest bed.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

THIS JUST IN!

Charmin didn't hire me to be a toilet entertainer, but they sure had no problem lifting
my jingle to play in their poop house!

from a listener of my friends podcast, "KEITH AND THE GIRL":

Hi Keith and Chemda,
I went to that Charmin giant bathroom center in Times Square today and
I saw the girl who was on your show with the pink ukulele when i was
peeing. She was singing on the tv in the bathroom. It was fun.

********************

Can you believe it!? I'm not sure what it means that they saw me on the TV in the bathroom, but I visited the website and right on the front page is an audition video, featuring a segment of yours truly's audition. I'm guessing this is the video they play in the Times Square terlet.
But where they play just snippets of other people's songs, they play almost my ENTIRE song.

AS USUAL -- regular readers of my blog have seen me write this before, I don't know when these companies are
going to catch on and start hiring me to write unforgettable, brain attaching jingles that just won't let go, something
I can do IN MY SLEEP -- I will just wait for my royalty check to come once this song becomes a commercial
but, it'll probably get lost in the mail. I mean, seriously. They pay advertising companies hundreds of thousands to
come up with songs and commercials and ideas and they could pay me a fraction of the cost and I'd be happy, and
everyone would love the songs I'd write. It's a no brainer.

Hey Charmin, buy that song! I can write more like it, too. Or hire me to come to Times Square and play my ukulele. You obviously like my work. Email me at jessdelfino@yahoo.com and let's talk BIZ.
SMALL BUSINESSES RULE, of course

So I got this strange email today from this lady who said that I do a lot of great work to
encourage small business, which, thanks for noticing, is true. I do support indie everything,
from businesses to shows to crafts to what have you.

She also sent me a mocking cute video of an omnipotent "Big Business" thanking me for
all my support, for without me, they couldn't dump poison in the waters and what have
you. This is true too, except that in some cases we don't have a choice but to support
big business, or at least, not an easy choice.

I would post the video here, but I couldn't find a way to embed it onto my blog. If there
was one, it wasn't clear how I could do it. I'm a child of the 70s and the internet and
technology are still kind of foreign and wild to me.

NOTE: The expression "turkey" came from when the pilgrims got off the Mayflower and
saw the first turkey on land. They called it a "turkey" because it was so unusual looking
and weird they said it looked like something they would see in a far off, crazy country,
such as Turkey.

So yes, the internet and technology are like "turkey" to me. In some ways.

Anyway, as always, support independent businesses. For the holidays and birthdays, buy gifts at indie craft
fairs. You'd be shocked and amazed at some of the terrific crafts that people make by
hand, and indie shops and craft fairs are popping up everywhere. A few great examples are below:

weird and wacky HAND MADE CHRISTMAS ORNAMENTS

GORGEOUS decorated tiles and cards by Janet Restino -- these images do not do these pieces justice

For the bike rider in your life -- VERY COOL indie made HELMETS

Beautiful hand made Jewelry by Sarah Sparkles

Beautiful hand made gloves by Lamia Designs (note: most of these gloves are made of leather - I'm not a huge leather fan, but I am a huge Lamia fan)

Orchard Street's Ale Et Ange is the coolest store I've ever seen -- all the clothing, men and ladies, is made by hand. These clothes range on the more expensive side $200+ for a shirt or pair of pants) but are amazing and worth it.

SkitsNTits (I had to put this shameless plug in here) -- This show, which tonight at 10 PM celebrates it's 1 year anniversary, boasts comedy, burlesque, drink specials, sketches, videos, gift bags and more for a mere $5. Top THAT, comedy clubs. Oh, and TONITE, we will be showcasing several very unique handmade crafts on the roving craft brigade "CRAFTERMATH" table. So come pick up some indie gifts tonight!

OK that's it for now. In a nut shell, support small and local businesses WHENEVER POSSIBLE. Buying locally also reduces your carbon footprint because bigger business ships all their wares in from far, far away.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

BACK ON THE HORSE

It's nice every once in a while to sit back and pout. Now that that's over with, I'm back with some cool updates. I actually have a lot of stuff to write about today.

SKITS'N'TITS, the show I co-produce with Diane O'Debra and Steph Sabelli is having its 1 year anniversary and holiday bash tomorrow, Wed. Dec 9th at 10 PM. We're being sponsored by Kong Magazine so there will be free gift bags with special contents. Listen to me -- LADIES -- you want to get there early to get your hands on one of these gift bags!

The show, as always, is at 308 Bowery at 1st St.

This month, featured guests include: comedy by Des Bishop, Victor Varnado, Liam McEneaney, Ross Hyzer, Nicky Sunshine, Milton Katz, Mike Amato and others, music by Juggernut at midnite, sketches and videos by the Skits Chicks, Diane, Steph and myself, burlesque by The ChiChiones and Julie Atlas Muz and Minnie Tonka. Craftermath punk craft brigade will be selling their alternative material wares. Uncle Shappy hosts. Stage managed by Daniella LaBocca. All for FIVE dolla. TOMORROW WED DEC 9. Be there!



Risk Show Podcast

Kevin Allison of "The State" sketch show has a great pod cast / stage show called "RISK" which has comedians telling stories of depravity and amusement for your benefit. I recently told a story on the "AWFUL JOBS" episode (the most recent episode) about how I go-go danced my way through college, and how it all went down. You can download RISK on I-tunes FOR FREE. You can also check out the website here at http://risk-show.com/.

F. Scott Schafer is an amazing, amazing man and photographer. Don't believe me? Check out his supa killa website featuring tons of celeb comedians, movie stars, athletes and more. Check out "Portfolio Lite" to see gorgeous pix of Larry David, Flight Of The Concords, Mike Myers, Sarah Silverman and many more in amazing photos -- some you've seen, and some you've never seen before.

I bring this up because I was honored to be shot by him recently in a very cool little video he filmed for a band called "Lucero".
You can see the video here on Vimeo. See if you can spot me playing my flying V pink ukulele!

Last night we had a video crew reunion and we all went to Mercury Lounge to catch this really cool band called Jeff The Brotherhood who opened up for Ted Leo the other night (who I was on the bill with at the Latitude Festival this past summer). They were amazing! I strongly suggest catching this bro duo in the act. One plays drums like a mad muppet, the other plays a 3 stringed guitar like Black Sabbath. They're pretty great.

And in closing, a story of adventure. On Sunday, I was thrilled to be part of the Roger & Dave's 2nd Annual Complete Beatles on Ukulele. It was so much fun. It was at Brooklyn Bowl, which is a bowling alley / rock club. I really like that place, I'd never been there before. I hosted the show from 6-8 and had some awesome run-ins, one was with an ex-lead singer of Tower of Power - Brent Carter, and ex-Blender editor Rob Tannenbaum (who once wrote about me that I was "the Joan Baez of vagina songs" ). It was pretty awesome to meet both of them, as they both represent some interesting times in my life.


Brent Carter, ex-Tower of Power singer

Of course these photos are super dark because I took them with my fancy I-phone which, for some reason, though it cost $300, didn't come with a flash on the phone (though my old Samsung phone which cost about $50 did) but don't get me started...!


Rob Tannenbaum, ex-editor of Blender

(it was a real night of exes)

The show was amazing. I especially enjoyed meeting and seeing Jessie Murphy In The Woods, below. They were terrific!



(isn't that stage amazing? and how about the ladies on it?)

Anyway, now for the adventure part. I grabbed a slice of pizza before I hopped on the L at Bedford, then the train came right away and I didn't have time to eat it and I didn't want to be that gross person mowwing down on a greasy slice on the subway. I was GOING to transfer to the F, but I was so excited to eat the pizza that I hopped off at 1st St, and then realized I had to get a bus on Ave A if I wanted to get home. Jeez. So I went to the bus stop and waited, delightfully eating my pizza as I walked (it was soooo good). But I realized the next bus wasn't coming for half an hour, and I could walk home in that time. So I walked down Ave A and pizza'd myself, along the way. As I meandered, I saw a $10 bill floating in the breeze and I got very excited, because I LOVE free money. Also, by the way, I have a gift -- a knack if you will, for finding free money. I ALWAYS find cash on the street, always, all the time. But that's an entry for another time.

So I bent down to pick it up, and when I did, I saw a really nice (probably expensive too) red Prada wallet lying right next to it. So I picked up the wallet and started pawing through it to find ID, credit cards and $50 more cash, in addition to the tenner. PLUS a BLANK CHECK. I knew whoever lost this wallet was really gonna want it back. As I walked, it was reallllly cold, and I still had a ways to go. I thought about my options. I had just found $10 and a wallet fulla cash on the ground. I considered taking the $10 I found and getting a taxi home. I mean, after all, the ten was on the ground, not in the wallet. And perhaps it'd be a nice reward for doing the right thing and returning the wallet. But my conscience kept me from doing that. A few moments after I'd made my decision not to um, borrow $10 for a taxi, I found myself standing directly in front of a bus stop and the bus was pulling up, OFF SCHEDULE, like a magic reward bus sent from God. I got on the bus and used my transfer, taking me almost to my door step for free.

While on the bus, I typed the wallet gal's name into FB to see if it came up. It did! So I sent her a message and told her I found her wallet. She came and got it, and all is right in the world again. She even gave me a reward for returning her wallet, which was really sweet of her to do. I almost felt guilty accepting a reward, because I was just doing the right thing. But after a tiny bit of resistance, I just let her. Because I'm nice. So I want people to be happy. And if rewarding me brings people joy, then so be it. That's how I roll. And that brings my adventure to a close. The end.

OK that's all for now, hope to see ya tomorrow night at Bowery Poetry Club, 308 Bowery, 10 PM!!

Monday, December 7, 2009

MIDLIFE CRISIS

Things have always happened to me early. I lost my virginity when I was 14. That's kinda early. I ran away from home when I was 15 and never came back, which is kinda early to bust out forevs.

Now I'm just fresh into my 30s and feelin' all like, woah, man, shit, is this all there is? And by "this", I guess I mostly mean writing dingy jingles for a living? I love what I do but let's face it, I'm not living the life I always dreamed. I'm paying my bills, sure, but who isn't, while simultaneously wishing there was more?

I spent the summer pretty cool-like -- I toured the UK in huge festivals alongside Janeane Garofalo, Doug Stanhope. Faith No More, The Yeah Yeah Yeahs, The Pretenders, Grace Jones and tons of others who probably didn't even see me perform or remember my name. Nothing to complain about there. But I have to say it was a drag to return home to the US to where no one really cares. Why should they? They've got Lady Gaga and Beyonce to be in love with. They've got the top pop hits to dance to, why jam out to songs about committing suicide to the song your ex-bf wrote about you, or eating tons of shit as a stoner on Thanksgiving?

Looking back on the way I've spent the last 8 years of my life, I feel kind of like a successful loser. I guess that's not the worst thing in the world -- or is it?

Anyway, happy Tuesday. Or is it Monday? I don't even know any more.

Friday, December 4, 2009

Oh, by the way, I lost the Miss G Train Competition...

I was knocked out in the first round. I tried to win the crowd over with a success story about how I moved out of Greenpoint and didn't ever have to ride the G train anymore, but they weren't really havin' it.

But I did get a little bit of press out of the deal. Here's an NY Post piece, which uses nearly my
entire submission entry (it's true, I did get eliminated in the first round).

Here they mention me again in the Greenpoint News.

Here's a Village Voice slideshow where I look psychotic -- I filmed a movie with Victor Varnado and crew all day the day of the competition, and literally raced from the shoot to the Miss G Train competition without even being able to get my outfit or anything I had planned to wear in the contest. I was stuck wearing the outfit I wore in the movie, which was that of a really idiotic drug dealer's assistant named Dunce.

My Lower East Side lease runs out at the end of December, and I'm considering moving back to Brooklyn. So, perhaps next year I'll return to the Miss G Train competition and win 'em back.



All the finalists, only one of them, me.

Monday, November 23, 2009

HAPPY STONED THANKSGIVING



I have a BRAND NEW SONG out and it's the first one in awhile. It's a mellow jam celebrating
the "high" holidays produced by Handcancel.com.
It's called "Happy Stoned Thanksgiving" and it is about, well, I think it's pretty clear what it's about.

You can hear it HERE as well as
at www.myspace.com/jessicadelfinotunes.
Also, it's up on this rather interesting website called Sound Cloud, and if you like it, you can buy it there. It takes you to my Digital-tunes.net's page to purchase the song at my page, http://www.digital-tunes.net/labels/dirty_folk_rock.

NOTE: For some reason there is a mix up and it keeps taking viewers to Dirty Habit's page instead of mine, but if you like the song, check back in a few days and it will be fixed and instead take you to: http://www.digital-tunes.net/labels/dirty_folk_rock. I'll also update this when it is fixed.

Thanks, I hope you enjoy it! Please share it if you like it, with stoners everywhere.


Turns out the horses in the horse drawn carriages are abused, beat, whipped, forced to work long hard hours carrying fat assholes around and withstand all kinds of other terrible torture. I'm a long-time vegetarian and animal lover, so I was delighted to offer my pervy song singing skills when comedian Fiona Walsh invited myself along with a gang of other comedians to perform at Broadway Comedy Club on Dec. 4th to benefit BANHDC.org (ban horse drawn carriages) and raise some money for a worthy cause.

Just a few reasons to ban horse drawn, or "hansom" carriages, from BANHDC.org:

"The average working life of a carriage horse on NYC streets is under four years compared to a police horse whose working life is about 14 years."

"Carriage horses are out of place in midtown’s congested streets and belong to another century when there were far fewer vehicles and pedestrians...Over the years, there have been many accidents where both horses and people have been seriously injured and some in which horses have died."

"Horses must work in hot humid temperatures and in the brutal cold – nine hours a day, seven days a week and go back to stuffy stable...It is not unusual to see urine and feces stains on the horses...many of the horses come into this industry with preexisting injuries or arthritis and are forced to pull carriages containing heavy tourists – upwards of 7-800 pounds. When these horses are no longer fit to work the demanding streets of NYC, they are “retired” – many go to auction where their fate is unknown. “Killer Buyers” often buy these horses by the pound for the slaughterhouse. Horsemeat is a delicacy in some European countries."

"The ASPCA has 21 agents but they are obligated to work on cruelty issues all over the city and sometimes the state of NY...There are 68 carriages, over 200 horses and 360 drivers. There would never be enough agents to ensure that the drivers are obeying the law"

"This form of “entertainment” is exploitative and is comparable to animal circuses and roadside zoos. In the United States, over the years other immoral institutions have ended regardless of the economic impact to the industries involved. These include the use of child labor and sweat shops."

"Besides the humane issue that compel many people to object to the carriage horse trade, there is also the pervasive smell of horse feces and urine that permeates Central Park South. Even when the horses are not on the hack line at CPS, the unpleasant smell is always there. In addition, the Sanitation Department has to clean the feces from the street. People who live on Central Park South have complained about this smell for years. Those who object cannot open their windows in nice weather. In one community close to the stable on 45th St., public school children complained of health problems."

"It is not correct to assume that every out-of-towner wants to take a carriage horse ride. Many do not and avoid the area of Central Park South because the site of the horses is so painful...NYC and Company is the official tourism web site of NYC. Yet there is no mention of the carriage horse trade as being a big tourist attraction on its web site. Instead it mentions, sports events, shopping, restaurants, museums and galleries, historical attractions; Broadway; nightlife and entertainment; sightseeing tours."

Here is some more information about the ills of Horse Drawn Carriages

Please come and support this show. If you can't attend, please purchase an animal lover or enthusiast a ticket to the show, or make a donation to banhdc.org. Many celebrities and people you know are avid animal lovers and hate to see this treatment of animals. Join the growing number of people who don't want to see torture any more to animals or humans during our or any one else's lifetime.

SHOW and TICKET INFO:

December 4th @ 6.30pm
Benefit for www.banhdc.org
Broadway Comedy Club
318 West 53rd Street
$22/2 drink minimum
You can buy tickets in advance by calling: 1.212.757.2323

Fun fact: James Brown's coffin was driven through Times Square in a horse drawn carriage. Weird!

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Can anyone say, "SEMI-FINALIST?"



G, whiz! I'm so flattered! I entered the "Miss G Train" competition yesterday on a
whim, for fun (and because I'm a sucker for a contest of ANY kind)
and was notified early today that I have been chosen as a SEMI-FINALIST, based on the following "essay"
(sent with the photo of myself covered in crazy 2s) which if you haven't seen yet, you
can see it HERE) and I am being considered as a finalist for the pageant. I must have done something right in my life to have been bestowed with this awesome honor.

My semi-finalist ranking essay:

Hi!

I'm submitting for Miss G train with a success story. I used to have to take the G train to get home every day to Kingsland Ave in Greenpoint. But I worked hard, saved my money and moved OUT of Greenpoint! Now I'm living in the Lower East Side and I haven't even SEEN the G train much less ridden on it for at least 2 years. Sometimes I see that green G circle and I feel the slightest tinge of sadness for a time when I hung out on a roof with a bunch of dirty people from the midwest, smoking cigarettes and staring out at the Twin Towers, until they were disintigrated (sp?), but usually I just appreciate the fact that I can ride a bike anywhere I want to go now.

Here's a photo of myself covered in $2 bills, the OLD cost of riding the subway.

Thanks,
Jessica

(between you and me, I think it was the killer photo which sealed the deal :)

I hope I DON'T get selected as a finalist, because I have a show on Thursday night and that means I
might have to CHOOSE one or the other. Aw, cripes, I smell a show fight. Break it up, you two. There's plenty of Delfino to go around.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

It's ECNY AWARDS time...

The ECNY, or "Emerging Comedians of New York" Awards is a fun time of the year
when a lot of comedians get together and some of them get awards.

I have won the best musical comedian award in the past. Would it be fun to win it
again? You betcha. So may I suggest, "Jessica Delfino" for best musical comedian.

Here is the nominee form

There are many other categories, the whole nomination form takes about 2 minutes to fill out, or less
depending on how fast you type. If you need help, just google comedy and NYC and be reminded of all
the great comedy that is out there.

IN OTHER NEWS:

My Ars Nova show went off without a hitch on Thursday night. It was so great to see the place full of
friendly faces and some faces I didn't recognize, as well. Thanks to everyone who made it out, and
for those of you who couldn't make it or who just have seen me perform a zillion times and chose
to skip this one, that's fine, too.

Now I am moving on to greener, not quite so dirty pastures and plan to retire this show unless HBO tells me they
want to film it for air. I'm working on a new album with a few friends and a new hour long show, and
I'm looking forward to new adventures. I'm also doing some acting for film and TV so do get in touch with your projects.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

TONIGHT'S THE NIGHT we make history



And by we, I mean "I", and by history, I mean sweet, sweet music, on guitar, flying V ukulele, q-chord and of course, the whistle. And jokes. Please note: This show is fun for the whole family, except for the kids. Thanks. (In London a 10 year old came with his parents to see my show. Those people are so mature!)

I can't wait to see you there.

Thurs Nov 12 @ 8 PM
Jessica Delfino's Dirty Folk Rock
Ars Nova ANT FEST!
511 W. 54th St.
Tickets: $10
For tickets and other info: arsnovanyc.com

SPECIAL MONEY SAVING RECESSION-TYPE OFFER: If you buy a ticket online GET YOURS HERE NOW and register on the Ars Nova website linked above as a SUPER NOVA, you get a free drink at the show (which nearly covers the cost of the ticket)

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

SKITS AND TITS TONIGHT!

It's $5. It's truly an awesome spectacle. Just come.

308 Bowery, NY, NY
F to 2nd Ave, 6 to Bleecker
10 PM
starring Honi Harlowe, The Chichiones, Stormy Leather,
Dan Allen, Mike Amato and other special guests.

Need a little more encouragement? OK, well, watch the following videos to see how we roll.





WANT MORE SKITS'N'TITS?

CHECK US OUT ON FUNNY OR DIE

VISIT US ON FACEBOOK.COM/SKITSNTITS

SUBSCRIBE TO OUR VIDEOS ON YOUTUBE

And don't forget -- next month is our ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY!! Save the date, Wed. Dec. 9 -- every second Wednesday, SKITS'N'TITS!!

Monday, November 9, 2009



SHOWS THIS WEEK

I have three shows this week, including my solo hour long show as part of Ars Nova's Ant Fest. This show will feature a 50 minute solo set of my "dirty folk rock" hits, and I am not too proud to beg you to attend what will be one of the last times I perform this collection of music in its' entirety. All my shows are all listed in the right hand column of this blog, where they are always listed. But allow me to re-iterate this week's offerings:

Tonight, I will be performing at:

Bunch of Fives Telling Stories (I'm the musical interlude)
Sage Theater
711 7th Ave at 46th St.
8 PM
$12

Wednesday, Nov 11th, I will be performing sketches and possibly a short musical set at:

Skits'N'Tits Comedy Burlesque Variety Show
308 Bowery @ Houston
10 PM
$5
(this show is great, and features burlesque, comedy, videos, sketches and the band Das Racist at midnight)

Thursday I will be performing my 50 minute long solo show, "Dirty Folk Rock" at:

Ars Nova
511 W. 54th St. @ 10th Ave
8 PM
$10
Here's a bonus: You can get a free drink at the show by buying a ticket online in advance HEREand then signing up for
the "Super Nova" shim sham (it's easy and free).

I hope to see you at ALL of these fabulous shows. But if I can only pick one, please come to ALL of them. My solo show will be great because it's all the hits. SkitsNTits is a great show because it's just awesome, a true variety show. Bunch of Fives is a great storytelling show. So it's up to you, ya know?

Sunday, November 8, 2009

We Built This iPhone App...

...and by "we", I actually mean my friend David Mitchell, but I made the sounds for the game, the various boops and beeps, and that is part of the reason I am so excited to tell you about "Dave's Tiles". It's a fun iPhone app, the sliding tiles game, with Dave's little additions to it -- you can pick a photo from your iphone to assign to the tiles and other little treats. It's a great game to play waiting for the subway or before bed to relax your mind. I strongly encourage you to buy this game!

And now, a word from Dave:

"Hey everyone, my first iPhone App just got released! It's "Dave'sTiles", a fun and challenging variation of the classic sliding tiles puzzle. It's $1.99 on iTunes. Please check it out and write a review! Here's the game's website: http://www.dsmitchell.info/DavesTiles/. Also, I'm having a release party on Wednesday night (11/11) - I'll be at Metro Cafe & Wine Bar, 32 East 21st St in Manhattan, from 6-10 pm. Come join me for a drink and check out the game."

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Halloween, ReW & Wh0? and Keith And The Girl!!

I've been busy promoting my upcoming Thursday show in very fun and interesting ways. A few days ago I was on
the ReW & Wh0? show in the Bronx with these two older school neato peeps who interview rockers and freaks on
their show. It was a lot of fun and I really enjoyed hanging out with my interviewees, ReW and Frank Wood, a lower
east side legend maniacal and cool fella. I also got to hang out with a couple of his pals, some old rockers and chat.
It was a priceless adventure. You can see me on the ReW & Wh0 show here:

http://www.youtube.com/user/AriZZmARadio#p/u/8/mjR2qtCzsUw

Last night I trucked me-self out to Queens with my pal Ben Lerman to perform on the Keith and the Girl podcast. Ben has been raving about the podcast for months, saying I've gotta get out there. Finally, we made it happen and Keith and the Girl very generously let me come on the show to promote my Ars Nova show. We had a blast, it was so much fun. Ben poured me a literal vat of whiskey and we drank, joked, laugh and sang a few numbers. You can check that out at www.katg.com.

Finally, here's a picture of me and my friend David on Halloween. Interestingly, we're both dressed in drag. We got maaaaddd photos that night!



T.T.Y.L.

Friday, November 6, 2009

What Did You Do On Thurs And Fri This Week?

I auditioned for a sweet gig hanging out at free bathrooms in Times Square. This holiday job pays $10,000 for 5 weeks. They're looking for people to entertain and hang out with people waiting in line to use the bathrooms. I hope I get the job! I don't think I'm going to get it though, because I accidentally blew a kiss to the judges at the end of the audition. But if they need an accidentally innocently awkward artist musician performer girl, I'm their lady.

I wrote an original song for my audition on my pink flying V ukulele. I arrived at 9 am yesterday in time to be #177. I went into the big conference room with hundreds of other hopefuls and waited. And waited. And waited. Finally, around 2 pm or so, I was brought up to audition. I sang my song and was invited for a call back today. This morning at 11 am, I made my way back to midtown for my second audition.

The room was full of people the second time! There were people taking notes, rolling cameras and really giving me a thorough interview to make sure that I would potentially be right as a bathroom attendant.

You can see the video here of the line and auditions hi-jinks, including a brief segment of my song.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

MY CAT ROCKS

Yeah, I said it. My cat f'in rocks. I have the coolest cat in the world. She plays fetch with these little stuffed mice, she walks around on hind legs, she does freelance tricks off the doors and walls that'd make skaters jealous, she catches flies in the air and devours them with the cutest face I've ever seen on a heartless killer, she hangs out with me in my lap and puts her little paws on the desk while I type (like she's working too), she sleeps in the bend of my knee and keeps me warm, she talks to me with this little whirrrr? sound all the time. She's the coolest.

A lot of people hate cats, or get freaked out by people who love cats, especially if those people are women. And I understand. Worship of anything adorable can be disconcerting to witness. Seeing two couples rubbing noses, for instance? Vomitorious. And for awhile I've tried to pretend like I'm not cat-a-riffic, but it's too impossible when you have a cat as awesome as my Ms. Puss.

I was at Seth Herzog's Sweet show last night at Slipper Room, and Julian McCullough was on stage talking about his cat. He did about 5 or so minutes on his cat and it was hilarious shit. I've wanted to involve Ms. Puss in my stand up for a long time but I thought it'd come off as crazy cat lady-esque. But to have a penis and do cat material -- what a blessing. It was magical. It was some of the funniest stuff I've heard, and some of the best cat material ever. He talked about how animal shelters should be open at 4 am, when people can't wait to make poor life decisions, and so on. Ya gotta see it. He was also talking about how his cat is named Pop Tarts. Not Pop Tart. Here's a sample of his stand up:


Julian McCullough Performs Stand-up - For more funny videos, click here

I filmed a little video of me singing my song, "Let's Legalize Drugs" a few months ago when Ms. Puss was just a kitten and she was running around like a psychotic maniac while I was trying to film the video. I put her in my room but she was crying and freaking out and I didn't want to have the video be filled with the sad meows of what sounded like an abused and tortured cat in the other room, so I figured, screw it, I'll just let her go psychotic while I film the video and I'll pretend I have no idea. It turned out pretty funny. Here's that video:



She also used to make special guest appearances in my "Jessica's Chest of Treasures" videos.

So last night at Sweet, a lady with a very tiny, very adorable dog in a bag showed up and the comics were all fawning over it. Some of us were crying tears of cuteness over it and others were disgusted. One comic was like, "That's bullshit, get a leash". My POV was that it makes sense to carry a puppy purse, because having a dog in a bag was like a little sack of approval. I wish I could carry my cat around with me. It's not only instantaneous attention to have a cute animal in a mesh purse, but you're never lonely. It's like the baby I'm too afraid / too much of a failure to have. Also, because Ms. Puss is so cool, I want to take her everywhere with me.

I saw a dude in midtown with a cat he carried around on his shoulder, and then it'd go on his head and balance. It was a really cool cat. The guy was a dick though. I tried to take a picture and he got all homeless on me.

And that's my morning cat chat. Ah, cats!

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

ABOUT THE ANDY KAUFMAN AWARDS LAST NIGHT

The show was soo much fun. I arrived early. Ben Lerman and I traveled up together from the Lower East Side using a little method of transportation I like to call the "F" train. For one magic time in my life, that monster showed up right as I set foot on the platform. Ben and I hopped on and were whisked away like some kind of movie stars. I actually felt pretty good because I was all dolled up and I looked good and I knew it. After spending a lot of time thinking about the award and contemplating what to do, and even coming up with some half decent wackadoo ideas, I decided finally to just be myself. I decided, I'm not "like" Andy Kaufman in that I play pranks on the audience so much, but I am like Andy Kaufman in that I'm an unusual one, a weirdo in my own way, and I like to have fun with people, whether they're completely comprehensive of what is going on or not.

Walking in, I saw Michael Kaufman who I knew from years past. He gave me a big old hug, and it was really nice to see him, like seeing an old friend. I also met Al Parinello who I'd talked to on the phone, who was producing the show, and I could tell right away he had been some kind of performer before. He was funny, charismatic and quick witted. I was right! He owned a radio station once upon a time in Atlantic City, and he put Andy Kaufman on stage the first time Andy had ever performed.

There were 25 other contestants in the show, chosen out of 100+ contestants. I have been a semi-finalist in 2 other shows and a finalist in the one the year that Kristen Schaal won. I saw a lot of people there who I recognized, including Kristen Schaal, who was a celebrity judge. Ben Lerman and Mike Amato, my flat mates from this past summer were both competing, as well as Shane Webb, Matt McCarthy, Matt Higgins, Eric Davis and several others I know and love, as well as many I'd never seen and some I'd only vaguely heard of.

Of the ones I've never seen before, some I really enjoyed were Mary Van Note, Claire Titelman and Sasha & Noob. I really enjoyed almost every act I saw though, and the judges literally could have picked 6 names at random and all of them would have been pretty Kaufmanesque, and worthy of winning.

The ones who won are as follows: One of them was a friend of mine, Mike Amato. They also chose Sasha & Noob, Blaine Kneece, Robby Roadsteamer, Eric Davis and Harrison Greenbaum.

I felt really good about my set and my decision to just be myself, and to not try to be Kaufman-y, though I had some pretty good Kaufman-like ideas. The audience enjoyed my set a lot, and I left the stage feeling very confident. My friends and co-competitors were also very supportive and encouraging. And I made some new friends! The ones who won deserved to win, and I am thinking of going back tonight to watch the finals.

For anyone interested in seeing it, it's at 7 PM tonight at Carolines, at 50th and Broadway in NYC. Go!!! See some Kaufman"esque" comedy from these comedians while they're still young and crazy.

Saturday, October 31, 2009

Last Night's Affairs

Mischeif Night, they call it. My father's birthday, it was also almost the last night of my life. I got invited to Paris Hilton's party (in my mind) but couldn't make it because I was playing at Rubulad. I was supposed to meet a lovely Irish comedian pal named Des Bishop at a bar in my neighborhood, but he was running a little late so I started walking to the Bowery Poetry Club where some other friends were waiting for me. I was carrying a guitar, a small keyboard and my Tyra show gift purse filled to the brim with my costumes and doo dads for the show, and after a few blocks I felt a little bogged down, so I hailed a taxi. I got in the taxi and did not buckle my safety belt. Odd, because I almost ALWAYS buckle up after a bad accident when I was 16 where a seatbelt truly saved my life.

A friend texted me and I was returning his text, when all of a sudden, I went flying into the divider between myself and the driver, and my huge purse full of knick knacks went flying off the seat, raining all over the cab. I hurt my back a few days ago yawning (true story) and I was already not feeling in physical tip top shape, but when I smashed into the divider, I wasn't feeling anything except adrenaline. I looked to my right and saw the eyes of the driver of an SUV who'd just ran a red light, inches from having crushed the side of the taxi cab, right where my fragile unbelted, dressed-up-like-a-pirate body would have been sitting. The driver pulled a bit forward, and started cussing in an ethnic language I'm not familiar with and beeping his horn. Traffic stopped all around us and people pulled up to see if we were OK. The SUV sped away.

I gathered up my things that were strewn all over the floor of the cab and took in how close I'd just come to being seriously permanently dead. If the driver hadn't been paying attention and hadn't swerved violently, I would have been the meat in a Ford sandwich.

He was truly freaked out for the rest of the ride, kind of hyperventilating and swearing, and yelling "Why! Why you run a red light!?" as if I had been the driver of the SUV and he was demanding I answer him why I'd done that. I tried to calm him down by going back and forth between purring, "It's OK, sir, we're OK" and sitting quietly, contemplating myself what had just happened.

As the cab slowed at my destination, I was out of that thing before it even stopped, like the family in Poltergeist as they sped away from their haunted house, wishing the nice fella a safe evening.

Inside, I was shaken but a glass of wine and my friends quickly knocked me back into the reality that I was safe and sound and continuing on with my night. As I type this I'm stopping a moment to give thanks to no one in particular, and everything around me.

Des pulled up in a sweet Mazda SUV (his parents!) and we all piled in and headed to BK to the party. The party was lots of fun, everyone in crazy super creative costume -- a ballerina who ate her own heart, Jena Friedman was a vampire who used nail polish as a blood drip down her mouth -- that's dedication to a costume!, others were just crazy looking, decked out in amazing artsy hand made or store bought gear. It was an impressive array. We partied til about 2 or so am, I did a set where I had 5 costumes and stripped each costume off to reveal another costume and do another song. I was a unicorn, a witch, a pirate, Whitney Houston and a goofy slut ball. Now that I think of it, I left my pirate hat there. Poo.


This photo is dark, but it's me on the left, Des in the middle (in my mask) and Jena on the right as a vampire. I tried to lighten it in Photoshop but it looked crappy so I just left it alone.

After the party, we picked up Reggie Watts and ran into Jen Dunlap on the street on our way to the Lucky Duck bar in Bkln. We all said hi and hugged, then followed Jen into The Levee, then were going to go on to Lucky Duck but changed our minds, got back into the car and drove to Veselka for a 4 am breakfast / cool down. Every four minutes someone came up to shake Reggie's hand. He has more friends than anyone you or I know.


Reggie Watts -- the coolest mofo in the world!

What an awesome night!

Friday, October 30, 2009

TYRA PUTS MODELS IN "BLACKFACE" AND EVERYONE GETS ALL UP IN A TIZZY

In the NY Daily News column which claims "The media cries fowl", they mean, a columnist at Huffington Post who didn't appreciate Tyra's fashion shoot. Now, granted, the Tyra show is full of moronic producers and it is an incredibly unorganized set up, and I would know, because I've seen it first hand, but seriously -- is it really that huge of a deal? It is to whoever came up with this hair-brained scheme, because he or she is surely about to get fired over this.

But let's get into it, for a minute. Back in the 30s and 40s and the Al Jolson times, there was a lot of racism and whitey hatred on blackie, and that was not cool. There's still whitey hatred on blackie, and blackie hatred on whitey, and mexicy hating on jewie and vice versa, and even hate combo platters that haven't even been thought of yet. Hatred is a part of the world. I wish it would go away, but Tyra's fashion show isn't making more hatred, and it's certainly not curing hatred. It's kind of more like dummies making art. So do we have to insist there's hate-filled motives there when there's clearly not? Models are too stupid to hate.

Was Tyra, her models, or her show's stupid producers really being racist? Most people would agree they were not.

Chappelle did "white face" on Chappelle's Show, and he was making straight fun of white people, and most white people would probably agree, it was hilarious. Derrick Beckles did "blacker" face (being a very light skinned black man) for Super Deluxe's "This Is Now" news cast and it was so funny, people on the set practically couldn't look at him, because he looked so hilarious, and not in a 'ha ha, anti-black jokes' kind of way, but in more of a 'you look ridiculous' kind of way.

I performed at London's Soho Theatre last year as "Whitney Houston in black face" and got a very mixed review for it. The fact is, I can't pretend to be black with white skin. If I'd come out as I am with a black wig on, I'd have looked like a white girl singing Whitney Houston. I LOVE Whitney Houston. However, all the journalists out there are putting her down every chance they get, and negatively depicting her and seriously, truly hating on Whitney, with their skin staying exactly in tact. I, however, did an homage performance to Whitney and all the blimeys got all limey.

I may perform Whitney in black face again, somewhere, someday. And I can promise you, it's got nothing to do with the 30s, hating black people or encouraging hate of any kind. It's a fun little piece I do, it's a bit comedic and a whole lot appreciatory towards a musician who I adore and admire and who I grew up with, and that's about all there is to it.

And as for anyone else who chooses to do a performance of some kind in black face, or any other color face (Blue Man Group?), well, as a society, we'll surely judge each piece on an act by act basis.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

New Press!

Thanks Gerry Visco, NY Press, and Daniella LaBoca for putting me in the show.



Here is a video where I'm singing "The Catholic League" song in Galway, Ireland, wearing that "60s schoolgirl" outfit Gerry's talking about. If you listen closely, you can hear Diane O'Debra laughing here and there through out the video (because she was there!) Directions: 1. Enjoy! 2. Send to your parents.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

TONITE:
Edinburgh: Best of the Fringe in NYC


This show looks like it's going to be fun and yummy, featuring several NYC performers who put on shows in last year's Edinburgh Fringe Festival presenting segments from their UK shows. Ben Lerman's "Size Matters", Stacy Meyer's "Funeralogues", my "I Wanna Be Famous" and more. The $15 ticket includes free wine and tasty hors devours after the show from Anwar's family's restaurant.

Anwar is Stacy's boyfriend who cooked amazing food for us while we were in Scotland. Based on the amazing 4 or 5 course breakfast he prepared for us, you are in for a very special treat. We are also all going to be giving away some of our collected Scotland treats and knick knacks.

Its like a little taste of the Fringe Festival, right here in NYC.

You can get tickets here:
$15 Advance Tickets
http://www.facebook.com/l/8c714;www.brownpapertickets.com/event/86972
http://www.facebook.com/l/8c714;www.edfringeNYC.com

And here's a word from Stacy and the rest of the details. See you tonight!!

Hey guys:

I am so excited that you are coming tonight to celebrate the truly great experience that is the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. I just wanted to remind you that show starts at 7:00pm and we'll be having appetizers and wine afterwards so please stop by anytime. Let me know if you ahve any questions. I'm looking forward to it.

-Stacy

EDINBURGH: the best of the fringe
Wednesday, October 28th at 7:00pm
The Green Room, 45 Bleecker St at Lafayette
6 to Bleecker

Thursday, October 22, 2009

A Big Night Of Fun

Last night was a real hoot. First stop was Joe's Pub with all kinds of great performers -- Margaret Cho, who did a comedy song about how "You Don't Lick My Pussy Right", went on first. Next was Tom Shillue who told a funny story about how he almost became the new face for insurance with the character, "Justin Case" but was beat out by a talking duck that says "Aflac". Jon Friedman had the best set of the night, in my opinion, with his funny opening joke about being the "and more" part of the show and a hilarious video where he dressed up like a chicken and interacted with a company picnic in the park. Next was Rachel Dratch who told a story that she asked the audience not to repeat, sorry! In all fairness to you and her, it wasn't too crazy personal, but she obviously felt differently about that one, so just come to the show next time and get the goods for yourself. Finally was Mike Daisey with a really great and touching story about racial epitaphs and the trouble they can get you into when you put them on posters and hang them everywhere in the name of free speech. Kevin Allison produced and hosted the terrific show. I had a super VIP seat which allowed me to get some pretty sweet shots!





If only my fancy expensive Iphone had zoom or took better quality photos, you'd actually be able to see who is in those pics. Even my old Samsung junker from 3 years ago had a zoom on it. It's like we're devolving as a society in some ways. Maybe it's a fun game for you to just guess.

Tim & Ellis were the seemingly improvisational musical interlude between acts, but after the show they told me they got their set list in advance, so I guess they just make it look that effortless.

I met up with my pal Jena Friedman who missed the show but arrived in time to walk me to Union Square on her way to see Jenny Slate's show in Bkln. I wanted to go see it too, but I went my separate way towards the Saul Williams show at The Gramercy Theater (the old Blender Theater). I went there to meet my friend Cavasa who is playing bass in a metally punk band called Activator, which opened for Saul Williams as part of Afro Punk's CMJ showcase. I showed up just in time to see them take the stage and rock it.


Cavasa rockin' out!

After their set, I went downstairs to the VIP lounge but a very ugly bulldoggish man refused to let me enter the lounge. So I called out to my friend Chris Rock who was in there and said, hey! This guy won't let me in! He punched the guy in the face and told the paparazzi to get over there and take a photo of us together.



He said, "No one fucks with Jessica Delfino!" The ugly bulldoggish man apologized and then was fired. And that is where my made up story ends.

I strolled out of there like a princess, hopped onto my bike and rode over to a photo studio around the corner for a night time photo session. I turned my "camera" on the photographer for a change.



Oh, by the way, here's a new publicity shot -- no my breasts are not fake (someone asked).



You can see more of his awesome photos here.

Sometimes I kinda like my life.