Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Tomorrow: Lerman Holiday at Comix!!

8 PM

Featuring Ben Lerman, myself and others! Come and see what all this holiday
craze is about. And in the meantime, watch me kick Santa's broke ass!



And also check out this other show I am in tomorrow night, as part of Whoop Dee Doo:

"WEIRD HOLIDAY," THE DEITCH PROJECTS HOLIDAY PARTY, AT SANTA'S PARTY HOUSE
Celebrate the holidays, Deitch-Projects-style with Whoop Dee Doo, "the strangest performance showcase since The Gong Show." A-Ron the Downtown Don and his merry band of crazies will be evaluating the gathered peformeres (SSION, Kembra Pfahler, the New York Ukelele Ensemble, and others) and will decide who will make it into the Deitch Deitch holiday fruitcake. Sounds tasty! Santa's Party House, 96 Lafayette St., (212) 343-8088. 8 p.m. Free.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

A NEW JESSICA DELFINO VIDEO
Animated By Preston Spurlock

If you ever think that your girlfriend is "acting like a bitch" or if you are sick and tired of her antics every time her Aunt Flow comes to town, just remember the pure long and short of it -- once a MONTH for a WEEK she BLEEDS -- that is BLOOD POURS OUT -- of her vagina. Imagine if blood POURED out of your peckers once a month, DUDES. IMAGINE THAT! Let's think about it. You'd have to carry around a pack of PENIS PADS with you everywhere you went, or stick a dick-pon UP YOUR DICK HOLE. You know that long q-tip that doctors stick up your weiner when you get VD or whatever the hell other reason they might stick a q-tip up your cock eye? You don't like that, do you. It hurts, right? Now, imagine having to do that with some kind of dumb cotton rod the size of a cocktail wienie that is made of bleach and poisonous chemicals. Every day. Like, two or three times a day. Or imagine having to wrap up your weiner with tape and cotton like it's head was broken, just so you won't leave a huge red stain on your Gap khakis. Like three times a day. You can't ever go far from anywhere that there is a bathroom, because you might just need to run in there on a moment's notice to handle your blood leaking problem. So, just think about all this stuff the next time your girlfriend seems a little cranky. Rub her back or something. Make yourself useful. Watch this video.

Monday, December 15, 2008

The trailer for Victor Varnado's comedy movie featuring a bunch of very talented black comedians (Marina Franklin, Baron Vaughn, Hannibal Buress, Eric Andre and of course, Victor Varnado) looks great and showcases animation by a very talented assortment of artists, including me, Jessica Delfino. (Did you know I actually went to school for animation once upon a time? I graduated from the Art Institute of Philadelphia.) I animated Baron Vaughn's segment. Wow! It looks silly.

www.awkwardkings.com

TONITE! I am in an on going comedy music contest at Stand Up NY, where I'm competing for $1000!!!! Come and cheer me on. It's a FREE show and the competition is actually VERY STIFF. Every week there is a home work assignment. This week, the home work assignment was something to do with the holidays.

Come see what I did!!

7 PM. 78th and Broadway. If you love me, show up tonight at 7 and cheer me on!!

If you can't make it, it's OK. Also, at 10 PM, I will be at 308 Bowery, selling my crazy tampon ornaments at the Show N Tell Holiday Bizarre, also featuring work by a very creative group of gals. Come get unique gifts for the people you love, instead of buying them dumb plastic crap made at gunpoint in strange places you will never go. Or even better yet. make them something yourself!!

Also, have your photo taken with Pantsless Claus and his naughty elves for just $2!!

Featuring a live performance of the non-denominational holiday songs by Secular Voices Of Heaven's Horizon! As heard in the documentary directed by Morgan Spurlock, "What Would Jesus By?" 10:30 PM.

And sign up to perform in the most outrageous and silly open mic in NYC! Diane O'Debra's Show N Tell!!

All of this for only $3.
10 PM - 1 AM.
Sign up at 10 PM.
308 Bowery at 1st St.
Fun!!

Monday, December 8, 2008

MUSIC / COMEDY...holding hands...making all kinds of plans...

You guys, I am entering this contest, and I totally have a shot at winning this $1000. Come out and support my dirty musical stylings!

Monday, Dec. 8
Music Is A Joke - It's a musical comedy stand-off
like American Idol meets Last Comic Standing. Five
comedian musicians compete, one wins $1000.
@ Stand Up NY Comedy Club -- 78th and Broadway
1 train to 78th St. is one way to get there
7 PM -- FREE

*Come and find out how to audition for the next round

Sunday, November 30, 2008

REINDEER POOPS SOLD AS ORNAMENTS!!

A zoo in Indiana is selling reindeer turds as pieces of these
actually quite lovely Christmas ornaments. For $5 smackers
a turd-laden treat, you can have your very own Shitmas.

This time of the year is always very special to me, as it reminds me of
the time a very nice gentleman made me thousands of new fans in
his awesome tirade via the Catholic League press release
he sent out starring...ME!

I am making my own very special ornaments this year
which I'll be selling at both La Superette and Diane O'Debra's
Show N Tell Holiday Bizarre.

They are made out of (unused) tampons and really put a
little holiday cheer where the sun don't shine.



Come visit me at La Superette (see their website for more details)
www.lasuperette.org
or Show N Tell on Dec. 15th, 10 PM, 308 Bowery.

PS -- Naughty Nautical Nite may be sunk for good, but I'm going
to be having my own naughty little nite. It's called just plain old
Naughty Nite. Come see the naughtiness I've got in store for you
on Thursday, Dec. 4th at 10 PM at The Slipper Room. $5. You
can also buy my tampon ornaments there...

Monday, November 17, 2008



DELFINO’S DIATRIBE: IT’S THANKSGIVING, TURKEYS!

Welcome to my monthly newsletter brimming with news, show listings, the treasure trove (great shows, people and things I recommend), links, castings and other goodies. Send listings of interest or add yourself to the mailing list by emailing me at jessdelfino@yahoo.com.

IN THIS ISSUE:

• Whatcha Been Up To, Jessica? News & Tidbits

• In Politics: Arty Activism, Local and World News of Note

• What’s New, Next, Nigh: Upcoming Shows & Events

• The Treasure Trove – People, Places and Things I Love

• Apartment For Rent

*******************************************

WHATCHA BEEN UP TO, JESSICA?

• Holy Pajamas! Jessica Delfino was featured on Playboy.com this month! Sorry, no boob-age exposure.

• Not for mom’s eyes: I’m in Time Magazine talking about my “Mile high club” experience. I also have an illustrated booklet of the ordeal for sale. Buy one for anyone you know who is obsessed with mile high experiences, or for anyone who wants to have one but doesn’t know how to make it happen. BTW, the Mile high club isn’t “really” a club. It’s more a horny group of frisk-takers.

• My new CD, “I Wanna Be Famous” received a nice review on Hyreviews.com. For those of you who know Hy, he’s had some setbacks regarding his health, so email him at Hy@hybender.com and send him your best wishes. It will only take a moment and could provide some serious holiday cheer. Santa is coming, after all, and he knows if you’ve been naughty or nice. So if you want that GI Joe mansion to go with the GI Joe Corvette, you better get to typing.

• Vagina Festival went off without a hitch. My vagina was there. It had a great time. It wasn’t a group of lesbians listening to Ani Difranco. It was an all encompassing performance and art experience that any woman or man could gain something from. Visit www.vaginafestival.com for more about what you missed.

• As some of you may know, I grew up in Damariscotta, Maine. I was reading about ‘Scotty (that’s what the locals call Damariscotta) on Wiki and had a nice moment when I realized that someone listed me as a “notable resident” on Damariscotta, Maine’s Wiki page, along with Erasure / Depeche Mode’s Vincent Clark. Read more about Damariscotta HERE. It’s feels so good to be noted.

• Naughty Nautical Nite Update: The show is ending, forever, as Dame Darcy is moving to Portland, Oregon in two weeks. But a NEW show is coming out of the ashes of NNN, which I will tell you more about VERY SOON. So keep your earballs tuned IN.

*******************************************

IN POLITICS:

• Newsjam 2 is up now. For our Newsjam fans out there, Newsjam 3 will be up soon, so pay attention! You can also check www.youtube.com/newsjam at random and cross your greasy little fingies!!

• Barack Obama won, and so did this guy. Well, let’s just call him a guy until given further instruction.

• Ollie’s Place is a no-kill open-cage animal shelter on 26th St and 3rd Ave where you can adopt a sweet kitty. Upstairs is a room with 25 open cages where kitties roam free. It’s got to be seen to be believed. If you’re thinking of adopting a kitty cat, this is a great place to go. They are always hiring volunteers and run on donations so please give your $ & time to them. Unless you’re allergic. Then, just give your money.

*******************************************

WHAT’S NEXT, NEW, NIGH: Upcoming Shows

• 11/28: Foregoing traveling home to Arkansas for Thanksgiving? Have some local fun with comedy & burlesque. Get your babes, buns and beers at The Cup, 388 Van Duzer St., Staten Island. 8 PM - $8.

• 12/04: If “readings” are your cup instead, check out long running “Inner Monologues” with a bunch of sexy, funny ladies at the helm (with the help of a few dudes as well). Everyone knows that literate women are hot. Bar on A, 10th St. and Ave A. 7 PM – Free show.

• 12/07: Speaking of readings, how about a book release party of very silly poetry? It’s the Jabberfucky book release party. Jabberfucking is basically when you replace important words in a poem with the word “fuck” instead. Shakespeare is probably fucking over in his grave right now. 308 Bowery @ 1st St. 2:30 PM – Free show.

• 12/13 & 12/14: LaSuperette, a massive awesome craft fair full of independent weirdo artists and creative types is going to blow you away Sat Dec. 13 and Sun Dec. 14th. I will be there selling my home-made crafts, including Aunt Flo’s olde-tyme sanitary napkins and my Christmas ornaments made out of tampons. If you can’t make it to La Superette but would like to make a private appointment to see my home-made goodies, email me at jessdelfino@yahoo.com. Merry Christmas from Jessica Delfino & Tampax!



*******************************************

THE TREASURE TROVE: People, Places & Things I Love:

• NYC based photographer Alex M. Smith takes beautiful pictures, like the ones he took of me at my show in London. I’m honored to be on his site alongside the likes of Michael Showalter and Fred Armisen. Hire him to take YOUR pictures. You can see his work up close and in person at “Rebuilding New Orleans”, an upcoming photography fundraiser / silent auction, at:

The Union Gallery
62 Walker St., Tribeca.
Dec. 4th. 2008, 6:30 – 9 PM
Previews Dec. 2, 3 & 4 from 10 am – 6 pm

• THIS INVENTION could change the world. (Hint – it goes on your butt.)

• For those of you who have ever been to GRUB, a vegan/vegetarian community-building meal in Brooklyn, this video by Jeff Stark starring lots of familiar faces, should speak to you. Warning: If this video actually speaks to you, you might want to see a doctor.

Join Jeff Stark’s AWESOME EVENTS MAILING LIST today to find out about future GRUBs and other great underground NYC shows and art. If you like to do things.

• If you like sassy, funny, pretty girls doing comedy on roller skates, then Amy G is for you. She MUST BE SEEN. Here’s your chance. I’ll be there too, so look for me and say hi.

Amy G in ROUND SHE GOES
@ Joe’s Pub
Fri Nov. 21, 11:30 PM

Get your tickets here

• If you’re a fan of Meatcake Comics, then check out Dame Darcy’s new book, “GASOLINE”. It’s really beautiful, and of course, it’s an illustrated tale of witches during the apocalypse. And don’t forget to go to her art opening at Sloan Gallery, Rivington and Norfolk, THIS Wednesday, Nov. 19th at 7 PM. It’s sure to be very FANCY. And it’s FREE.

• If you are in England any time soon, I strongly suggest you check out Carnesky’s Ghost Train. It’s a massive, fully functional circus ride that features the ghosts of Eastern European women who have disappeared in one way or another. It’s spooky!

*******************************************

APARTMENT FOR RENT

• My friend’s large studio apartment is in one of those rare, beautiful buildings in NYC that has a semi-outdoor garden / courtyard in the middle of the building. It’s serene, gorgeous and secure. It’s listed at $2200 but make an offer and see what happens.

*******************************************

CASTING CALL

• Casting new FITNESS show! Dance your ass off! Is every weight-loss program just too boring for you to stick to? The Oxygen Network is currently seeking men and women who are at least the age of 21 and who want to accept the challenge in this dance competition series where your loss is the biggest gain. To apply, visit: www.DanceOffCasting.com

*******************************************

TIL NEXT TIME

o Happy Thanksgiving. Email me with tips, notes or to be removed at jessdelfino@yahoo.com.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

DELFINO’S DIATRIBE: IT’S THANKSGIVING, TURKEYS!

IN THIS ISSUE:

Whatcha Been Up To, Jessica? News & Tidbits

In Politics: Arty Activism, Local and World News of Note

What’s New, Next, Nigh: Upcoming Shows & Events

The Treasure Trove – People, Places and Things I Love

Apartment For Rent

*******************************************

WHATCHA BEEN UP TO, JESSICA?

Holy Pajamas! Jessica Delfino was featured on Playboy.com this month!

Not for mom’s eyes: I’m in Time Magazine talking about my “Mile high club” experience. I also have an illustrated booklet of the ordeal for sale. Buy one for anyone you know who is obsessed with mile high experiences, or for anyone who wants to have one but doesn’t know how to make it happen.

My new CD, “I Wanna Be Famous” received a nice review on Hyreviews.com. For those of you who know Hy, he’s had some setbacks regarding his health, so email him at Hy@hybender.com and send him your best wishes. It will only take a moment and could provide some serious holiday cheer.

Vagina Festival went off without a hitch. It was a great time and wasn’t a group of lesbians listening to Ani Difranco. It was an all encompassing performance and art experience that any woman or man could gain something from. Visit www.vaginafestival.com for more about what you missed

As some of you may know, I grew up in Damariscotta, Maine. I was reading about ‘Scotty on Wiki and had a nice moment when I realized that someone listed me as a “notable resident” on Damariscotta, Maine’s Wiki page, along with Erasure / Depeche Mode’s Vincent Clark. Read more about Damariscotta HERE.

Naughty Nautical Nite Update: The show is ending, forever, as Dame Darcy is moving to Portland, Oregon in two weeks. But a NEW show is coming out of the ashes of NNN, which I will tell you more about VERY SOON.

*******************************************

IN POLITICS:

Newsjam 2 is up now. For our Newsjam fans out there, Newsjam 3 will be up soon, so stay tuned! You can also check www.youtube.com/newsjam at random and cross your fingies!!

Barack Obama won, and so did this guy.

Ollie’s Place is a no-kill open-cage animal shelter on 26th St and 3rd Ave where you can adopt a sweet kitty. Upstairs is a room with 25 open cages where kitties can roam free. It’s got to be seen to be believed. If you’re thinking of adopting a kitty cat, this is a great place to go. They are always hiring volunteers and run on donations so please give your $ or time to them.

*******************************************

WHAT’S NEXT, NEW, NIGH:

LaSuperette, a massive awesome craft fair full of independent weirdo artists and creative types is going to blow you away Sat Dec. 13 and Sun Dec. 14th. I will be there selling my home-made crafts, including Aunt Flo’s olde-tyme sanitary napkins and my Christmas ornaments made out of tampons. If you can’t make it to La Superette but would like to make a private appointment to see my home-made goodies, email me at jessdelfino@yahoo.com. Merry Christmas from Jessica Delfino & Tampax!



*******************************************

THE TREASURE TROVE: People, Places & Things I Love:

NYC based photographer Alex M. Smith takes beautiful pictures, like the ones he took of me at my show in London. I’m honored to be on his site alongside the likes of Michael Showalter and Fred Armisen. Hire him to take YOUR pictures. You can see his work up close and in person at “Rebuilding New Orleans”, an upcoming photography fundraiser / silent auction, at:

The Union Gallery
62 Walker St., Tribeca.
Dec. 4th. 2008, 6:30 – 9 PM
Previews Dec. 2, 3 & 4 from 10 am – 6 pm

THIS INVENTION could change the world.

For those of you who have ever been to GRUB, a vegan/vegetarian community-building meal in Brooklyn, this video by Jeff Stark starring lots of familiar faces, should speak to you.

Join Jeff Stark’s AWESOME EVENTS MAILING LIST today to find out about future GRUBs and other great underground NYC shows and art.

If you like sassy, funny, pretty girls doing comedy on roller skates, then Amy G is for you. She MUST BE SEEN. Here’s your chance. I’ll be there too, so look for me and say hi.


Amy G in ROUND SHE GOES
@ Joe’s Pub
Fri Nov. 21, 11:30 PM

Get your tickets here

Check out Dame Darcy’s new book, “GASOLINE”. It’s really beautiful! And don’t forget to go to her art opening at Sloan Gallery, Rivington and Norfolk, Nov. 19th.

If you are in England any time soon, I strongly suggest you check out Carnesky’s Ghost Train. It’s a massive, fully functional circus ride that features the ghosts of Eastern European women who have disappeared in one way or another. It’s spooky!

*******************************************

APARTMENT FOR RENT

My friend’s large studio apartment is in one of those rare, beautiful buildings in NYC that has a semi-outdoor garden / courtyard in the middle of the building. It’s serene, gorgeous and secure. It’s listed at $2200 but make an offer and see what happens.

*******************************************

CASTING CALL

Casting new FITNESS show! Dance your ass off! Is every weight-loss program just too boring for you to stick to? The Oxygen Network is currently seeking men and women who are at least the age of 21 and who want to accept the challenge in this dance competition series where your loss is the biggest gain. To apply, visit: www.DanceOffCasting.com

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Wanna see something really awesomely weird?

http://www.washlet.com/
A NOTE ON YOUR VOTE

Do you know where your polling place is and what time it is open until? You can find out by going here:

www.voteforchange.com

Tuesday is the big day. Put it in your palm pilot or just write it on your palm if that's all you've got.

On a side note, why is John McCain on SNL a few days before the election? Is SNL run by a bunch of republicans? Does putting him on the show so close to the election give him an advantage? Barack was on CNN on Halloween, and more people who vote are probably watching CNN than SNL. However, more people who are voting irresponsibly are probably watching SNL.

I'm going to vote for Barack. And not because I believe that Barack is going to save the world the way that everyone swears he is. But because I think of the two, that Barack Obama seems cooler, more level headed, in better shape, better poised, more organized, smarter, better educated and overall, the best candidate of the two we have. And, as it was so eloquently stated on The Great Schlep video, (I'm paraphrasing here) Obama might be our last chance at fixing the US's reputation as biggest assholes of the universe.
Jessica Delfino's Bloggy Time Machine

Today, we will go back into time on Jessy Delfino's Blog to recount the time I hitch-hiked from Burlington, VT to Montreal, Quebec to perform in the Montreal Comedy Festival, Just For Laughs. The year was 2006. This is a very interesting little first hand account about what it was like for me to be in the festival.

Enjoy!

http://jessydelfino.blogspot.com/2006/07/i-went-to-canada-all-i-got-was.html

Thursday, October 30, 2008

THERE AREN'T TOO MANY NAKED PICS OF ME FLOATING AROUND OUT THERE...

...for a reason. I used to be very liberated and sexually more open than I am now. During and after my last relationship, I closed up physically, visually, quite a bit, and I have mixed feelings about that.

However, this very nice boy named Alex came with me on tour to London. While we were there, he took beautiful photographs of me in my underpantaloons as well as in other intimate settings and show environs alike. He has managed to make me look very beautiful and I would like to share these photos with you.

Visit them here:
www.asisfoto.com

If you like any of these photos and you want to order any prints, I bet you can do so by emailing alex@asisfoto.com. I'm sure you can get them in 4x6 and 8x10, possibly larger as well. They are really gorgeous photos up close and for real.

I think that at some point I will do a totally nude spread, probably about a week before my boobies start drooping and my vagina hairs turn grey. Because I want to capture my beautiful body at the peak of it's hotness. That's probably not too too far away from now. But I still have a few good hot years left. And my mom is 50, and she's a milf. And my grandmother, who is 83, while not "hot" anymore, has aged into a beautiful woman unlike the likes of many elderly people I've seen in my life. She looks amazing. I think I've got genetics on my side regarding aging. So, like, if you are say, David LaChappelle or some other amazing famous weirdo photographer and you'd like to photograph me naked, give me a call in like, 4 years.

I bet the Catholic League would love that!

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Apartments Facing The Street...

...should be cheaper.

I can hear the wind literally howling as I try to fall asleep in my bed, but that is the only natural sleep depriver working to keep me up. [warning: potentially long possible run-on sentence ahead] If it's not the homeless peeps across the street in bum park loudly discussing politics, trying to sell passers by bottles of Tropicana with their "outdoor" sales pitch voice (great pr for the juice giants by the way - Tropicana - the beverage choice for every party) or just kicking the living shit out of eachother (which is not often a quiet endeavor) it's mother nature meets man-made materials keeping me as sleepless as the gentlemen in the park across the street.

But that's not all, oh no, not at all.

In the topic of, "Things That Fuck Me Out Of A Good Night's Sleep", the list is as long as this sleep free night.

Ok! Show us, ambulance sirens, couples fighting on the street (for REAL), car horns / alarms and garbage trucks.

Survey says:

Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding!

I wish my life were a game show. At least I'd have lots of nice furniture to not be able to sleep on.

Monday, October 27, 2008

If You're Ever Unable To Sleep...

...you can watch any one of these videos all about the periodic table of elements.

They're also kind of interesting, if you're into...uh...the elements and stuff.

***********************

See Jessica Delfino perform live:
THIS WEDNESDAY, Oct. 29th @
Gene Frankel Theater, 24 Bond St., 9 PM
in GROK!
a show based on the book,
"Stranger In A Strange Land" by Robert A. Heinlein
www.myspace.com/inbredhybridcollective

AND

Do you want absolutely the most amazing Halloween experience of your life this year?
If so, email me for directions and invite to a private party and tell me what you're going to be for Halloween.
jessdelfino@yahoo.com

Thursday, October 23, 2008

NIN / Trent Reznor take a hint from Jessica Delfino...

Who says you have to spend truckloads of bills on special effects, lighting and fancy catering to make a good video? Jessica Delfino (that's me) has inspired once again with her "simple is savvy" plan by having talented, stylized (but not over-sussed) animation peeps draw her videos out. My favorite one is still "I Wanna Be Famous" but I have had a few other videos animated since then.

Here's NIN's video:



Thanks for sending this to me, Shade!

Exciting! Ben & Jessica's #2 Newsfriends Newsjam is featured on TheApiary.com's New Video Wednesdays post:

http://www.theapiary.org/archives/2008/10/newsfriends_new.html

Sunday, October 19, 2008

A Few Neat Things...

The Vagina Festival is next weekend; that's a celebration of vaginas by bringing lots of celebratory vaginas together to celebrate. I hope you can make it. I'll be performing on Saturday at 3:30 in the afternoon and on Sunday at 6:00 PM. Learn more here: www.vaginafestival.com

In other news, I'm glad to be considered a "notable resident" on my hometown's Wikipedia page, along with Depeche Mode and Erasure's Vince Clark. I never knew he lived in Damariscotta! Pretty cool.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Damariscotta,_Maine

I strongly suggest wikipedia-ing your hometown. It's pretty informative. I learned more about Damariscotta in one five minute sitting than I did in the whole dozen or so years I lived there.

In other news, a brand new spanking new NEWS JAM is OUT NOW!!!

Watch it and weep...(warning -- features yours truly semi-nude and if you look carefully you can even see an accidental pube shot)

Saturday, October 11, 2008



JESSICA DELFINO on the front page of PLAYBOY.com TODAY

Woahh...

A handful of years ago I sent a few snapshots to Playboy Magazine in the hopes that I could be a Playboy pet or whatever the hell they're called. I was paying my own way through college (art school) and I thought it'd be cool to get to hang out at the mansion with Heffie and his posse and get the 10 or 20 K (forget how much it was now) that you get for being in Playboy. My morals have shifted (slightly) since I was 19 and I wouldn't pose nude in Playboy anymore. But I would consider posing semi-nude in Playboy. And I would also pose clothed in Playboy. And I would also dance and sing fully clothed on the front page of Playboy.com. And it turns out, I do that today. Now.

www.playboy.com

Some years later, after I graduated from art school, I moved to NYC to pursue a career in comedy stuffs. I met Jon Friedman and performed in The Rejection Show. Then, he put a book together of rejected writings, etc. I submitted my rejected from Playboy letter for the book. He was going to use it in the book, but then he rejected the rejected letter.

Now, I'm no longer rejected by Playboy.

I wonder if that is a plus or minus in the scale of 1 - 10 of good things that have happened in my life.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

On Presidential Vernacular
by My Mom

*********************

*seriously, this was written by my mom -- Hettie Warner, Brooksville, FL.

*********************

Has anyone else noticed how the McCain-Palin camp is tryin' to play up
Palin's cutsy vernacular as an acceptable form of speech?

Do you remember when America came down hard on the black English dialect
known as "ebonics" for pronouncing the "th'" sound as "ff"- as in "boff" of
us, for example?

When did it become acceptable English to drop the "g" from "ing?" Every
English teacher I ever had, taught me that the "country colloquialisms"
Palin is using aren't cute. They're improper. You got a long boring writing
assignment for saying things like... Darn, Mrs. Walker, I ken't afford no
heapin' helpin' o' lunch, 'cause I ain't got no money...to your teacher.
It's okay informally...but in public speaking??? Running for Vice Pres?

I bet that every dedicated English teacher in America cringes when Palin
takes the podium.

So, when did "whitey-bonics" become acceptable anyway?

Lincoln was raised in a log cabin with only fire light to read by and he
didn't even talk that way!

And when did education become a detriment, as the McCain-Palin ticket is
trying to use against Obama? Right. He's too educated to be one of us but
it's okay for our next vice president to use "but if for to" and "daggone
it" in a sentence.

Chris Rock does a hilarious stand-up routine about "Blacks and Niggas" where
he says that Niggas will throw a party for a brother who just got out of
prison, then put down a brother who just graduated with a master's degree...
"So what? You think you're my master now?" (See youtube.com) I always
thought earning a degree was an achievement, especially when you're the
child of a single mother

Could it be the McCain camp is passing off "hee-haw" English as a quaint and
proper alternate to good speech because Sara Palin doesn't pronunciate
properly?

Just wondering.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

NAUGHTY NAUTICAL NITE is tomorrow nite

and

NEW VIDEO by Jessica Delfino and Ben Lerman:

News Friends News Jam!!

This video shows Ben and I chatting up the week's biggest headlines using modern technology.

Wow. We are informed!



Watch and share...

Sunday, September 21, 2008



DELFINO’S DIATRIBE FALL EDITION!!
now with pictures!

In this issue:

*London Show Wrape Up
*What’s Next for Jessica Delfino?
*My Upcoming Shows
*Naughty Nautical Nite Updates & Next Show Oct. 2 Haunted High Seas
*The Treasure Trove – People, Places and Things I Love: featuring Dame Darcy’s new book release, “Gasoline” and a few other sweet trinkets

*********************************

LONDON SHOW WRAPE UP:

My Dirty Folk Rock show at the Soho Theatre was a great adventure, complete with two sold out nights, a critics’ pick and rave preview in Time Out London and a nice review in London’s METRO paper. I did some fun radio shows – in London I can sing my songs on the radio!! I met some new friends, was given a pair of awesome red roller skates by a fan (and now friend) named Rupert whom I chanced upon at a vintage store on Brick Lane and spent quality time in Hackney, the Bushwick of London.

Daniel Michael opened the show for me and was a great help in the whole orchestration of the shindig, as was Alex Smith who photographed and documented the whole tour (awesome), and my friends Marisa Carnesky and Simon Casson for their hospitality, the whole Soho Theatre crew and others who know who they are. (David Goo, Nina, Geo...etc.)

Other awesome highlights of the trip were performing at Duckie, a fight I got into with a doorman named Shazam all Amy Winehouse style and running into the band Buddyhead on the street in front of The Black Gardenia.

If you have any photographs or newspaper clippings / reviews / video / links of my show at The Soho Theatre in London, please email me at jessdelfino@yahoo.com.

You can see pictures and read all about my London adventures and sold out shows here:
DIARIES FROM THE WRONG SIDE OF THE ROAD
(starts with the latest entry and goes to earliest)


A thank you postcard for William Donahue

So what’s next for Jessica Delfino? Great question.

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WHAT’S NEXT FOR JESSICA DELFINO?

A new show in the works

I’ve got some shows coming up and am working on a new collection of ribaldity that is so new, the catalog of disturbing goodies doesn’t even have a name yet. But trust me. It’s gonna make you have mixed feelings about freedom of speech. And it should make you laugh, either with joy or a tinge of that “wrong inside” feeling. And hopefully a little bit of both. I need a video editor for this show. I will also need a cooking assistant and a variety of colorful characters. If you are a video editor or know a video editor, or if you are a colorful character, please email me at jessdelfino@yahoo.com.

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MY UPCOMING SHOWS:

Come join the filthy, dirty fun.

Monday, Sept. 22nd:
Rasp Thorne’s Last Hurrah
@ Zebulon, 10 PM
Wythe at N. 3rd, Williamsburg Bkln
Zebuloncafeconcert.com

Tuesday, Sept. 23rd:
Inner Monologues, 7 PM
@ Bar on A, 170 Ave A at 10th St. NYC

Tue, Sept. 30:
Babyhole
@ Lamp Post, 8 PM with
Ben Lerman, Jerk Practice and more
382 2nd Street , Jersey City, NJ
Myspace.com/babyhole

Thursday, Oct. 2nd:
Naughty Nautical Nite
@ Slipper Room, 9:30 PM
corner of Stanton and Orchard Sts.
Slipperroom.com

Sunday, Oct. 5th:
Dirty Folk Rock (one hour show)
@ St. Lawrence Arts Center, 8 PM
with opening act Sheila Jackson
Portland, Maine
Stlawrencearts.org

October 17th:
Freaks & Geeks Comedy Show
@ Comix, 14th St. at 9th Ave as part of the
Hysterical Comedy Festival, 8 PM
With Desiree Birch, Carla Rhodes and other treats
Comixny.com

Sunday, Oct. 26th:
Dirty Folk Rock (one hour show)
@ Sage Theater, 711 7th Ave, NYC
As part of the awesome Vagina Festival! Oct. 24-26th
www.vaginafestival.com

That’s about it for shows for now. Check my myspace page for other show dates as they come up! Myspace.com/jessydelfino


me and my hair, hanging out in a british cemetery

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NAUGHTY NAUTICAL NITE NEWS & UPDATES:

DVD Distribution Deal
Dame Darcy and I have struck up a distribution deal with Warner Brothers to distribute a DVD version of “The Best Of Dame Darcy & Jessica Delfino at Naughty Nautical Nite” – we’re very excited about this and will have more details as they arise.

Next Show: Haunted High Seas Oct. 2nd
Speaking of rising, get your ass up and over to the next Naughty Nautical Nite on Oct. 2nd, featuring a wild array of characters, sailors, pirates, mermaids, sea captains, sirens, long shoremen and what have you. Celebrate the HAUNTED HIGH SEAS with us this month, at Naughty Nautical Nite and dress up as your favorite sea specter, ghoulish ocean critter or spooky beach bimbo. Scary!! Prizes will be given out for best costumes.

Thursday, Oct. 2nd
@ Slipper Room, 9:30 PM
with your hosts Dame Darcy & Jessica Delfino and a wild collection of nuts and bolts including sketchy comedy by Harvard Sailing Team, creepy sea songs by Captain Ronzo, burlesque by an assortment of spooky hotties, comedy, music, variety, craziness, costumes, variety and things so demented we haven’t even thought of them!
$5!!! For all the fun

NNN casting call
We are always looking for nautical themed acts, mad men and women, DJs, photographers, grilled cheese sandwich makers, mermaids, sailors, silly heads and tech hands to join the wild times. Please email us at naughtynauticalnite@yahoo.com if this is you.

New (updated) NNN Myspace Page
Look us up at our new, updated myspace page:
Myspace.com/naughtynauticalnite

Our myspace page now features new great Video of NNN:
Get a sneak peak of the awesome times here, special thanks to videographer extraordinaire Mike Tapp. (Note: this video is SO beautiful and SO ENTERTAINING!! And I’m not just saying that. Featuring Pegasus Panties, Get Your Summer Beach Bod Ready, Ben Lerman, Lopi Laroe, Dame Darcy & Jessica Delfino, Circles For Hearts and more!)
www.myspace.com/naughtynauticalnite

If you can’t access myspace for some reason, you can also see it here:
http://blip.tv/file/950379

Story about NNN by someone who survived to tell the tale
Fresh-faced NY Press writer Justin Richards joined forces with Naughty Nautical Nite for an evening, made it through the storm and wrote about it.

Read his story here:
http://nypress.com/21/36/news&columns/eightmillionstories.cfm

OFFICIAL TALK LIKE A PIRATE DAY:
Sept. 19th
It came and went, but for those of you who celebrate one of our favorite holidays, if you have any fun photos or stories to tell us, please email us at naughtynauticalnite@yahoo.com and we may feature them on our site or in the next newsletter...

NNN’s favorite Nautical Character of the month:
Carvel’s FUDGIE THE WHALE!
This ice-cream cake whale is a delicious, not-so-nutritious way to get away with eating seafood for those of us who are vegetarians and opt not to chew on our face-having friends. Mmmmm…taste the guilt-free goodness. We love Fudgie the Whale!
www.myspace.com/fudgiethewhale
www.carvel.com/fudgiefanatics -- (no it’s not a german poopy porno site)

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THE TREASURE TROVE:
People, Places and Things I Love, Hot Tips, Cool Shit, etc.

DAME DARCY – GASOLINE – NEW BOOK OUT!!



I’m a big fan of Dame Darcy’s and have been ever since I met her when we
toured together on Lisa “Suckdog” Crystal Carver’s “Drugs Are Nice” book tour. Pick up Darcy’s awesome MeatCake comic (a new one just hit the swarvy deck) and check this out:

Dame Darcy’s new graphic novel GASOLINE is being released now!
Visit www.damedarcy.com/gasoline to pre-order yours and see related events in LA and NYC and more details associated with the book release. AND SAVE THE DATE: Thursday, Nov. 6th we’re having a huge GASOLINE blow out as part of Naughty Nautical Nite.



ART SPACE FOR RENT:
$500, SUBLET Artists Studio
Amazing art studio for share with really nice, fun, creative, female artist! Lots of light, your own individual space and beautiful big easel and worktables to use. Ideally looking for another painter but other creatives are welcome.

Studio space is located in Williamsburg, Brooklyn NY by the Graham L stop. We are looking for someone to sublet Oct. Nov. and Dec. We won't be using the space much because we will have gallery shows running through these months, so you'd have the place to yourself most of the time. We are open to continuing to share the studio when we return. You can keep working there next year too upon discussion.

Walking distance to L train. Graham Stop. Artist's Work Space Only.
Showing now! $500. super affordable, all utilities included. Beautiful large Space.
Again this is an Artists workspace only, No Living, Thanks!
 Contact Dame Darcy at damedarcy@damedarcy.com

***************

STREETCARNAGE.com

…is what happens when you combine TVcarnage and Street Boners.
This awesome website brought to you by Derrick Beckles of TV Carnage / those crazy assed TRUTH commercials and Gavin McInness of VICE MAGAZINE is one of the greatest websites in existence. It’s funny, rude and just all around great reading material, especially the Street Boners. I’m a contributor to the site now, which means I’m probably going to get punished by God now. Great.

***************

AWKWARD KINGS

I’m a fan and friend of Victor Varnado, but also this show sounds like it’s going to be really fun and awesome. So go. About the show:

The Awkward Kings of Comedy, a new standup documentary, is taping live in New York City. The film will showcase four African-American comics whose work expands the genre of black comedy while it presents each comic's distinct and very nerdy point of view.

Awkward comedians Victor Varnado (Late Night with Conan O'Brien, My Name is Earl), Hannibal Buress (The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson, Live at Gotham), Eric André (Live at Gotham, HBO's Aspen Comedy Festival) and Baron Vaughn (Damn Yankees, Live At Gotham) will show the world jokester misfits are to be laughed at on their own terms.

Shows FREE with reservation: To reserve, email
kings [at] supreme robot [dot] com or call (800) 521-4205 (be sure to specify which show: 6:00 or 8:30. limit 4 tickets. Please leave email if calling)

Awkward Kings
Tuesday, Sept. 23rd
Bleecker Street Theater, 45 Bleecker St.
Early show 6 PM, Later show at 8:30
with after party somewhere

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BAD PLAYS & BAD MUSICALS FESTIVAL SUBMISSIONS
This festival is a lot of fun – a collection of “bad” plays and musicals – bad as in naughty or bad as in just ridiculous. Submit your play – the festival gets huge audiences and is a great time. Check the website for submission details. They’ll be posted soon. Read the guidelines and fill out the application here:
www.NYartists.org

*****************************

Damnation Alley
A 70’s apocalyptic film based on a science-fiction short story by Roger Zelazny. One of my favorite comedians, Kevin Maher, will be showing the film for all of our viewing pleasure.

More about Damnation Alley:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Damnation_Alley_(film)

See it!
Saturday, Sept. 27th
7 PM / $7
@ Under St. Marks
St. Marks (8th St.) at 2nd Avenue
94 St. Marks bet. 1st and Ave A

**********************

VAGINA FESTIVAL

That’s right…it’s official. There’s now a festival, celebrating vaginas. In NYC. I’ll be performing my show “Dirty Folk Rock” as part of the festival.
Festival dates are October 24-26 and the festival takes place at Sage Theater.

Come celebrate (the vagina and the festival) at the Vagina Festival reception!

Vag Fest Party
@ Lolita Bar, corner of Broome and Allen Sts.
7 PM
For more information about the festival:
www.vaginafestival.com

******************

HIRE ME TO CUSTOMIZE YOUR AXE!

Or anything else you’ve got kicking around.
I work in the format of nail polish and glitter. Looking for some pizzazz and zing? I will glam up any instrument or article of clothing you’ve got laying around.

Email me at jessdelfino@yahoo.com.



my axe

*****************

THE END
That’s all for now bs and gs…see you in November!!!

**************

QUICKIES:

Read of my London adventures: www.jessydelfino.blogspot.com

Visit me on myspace: www.myspace.com/jessydelfino

Buy my new CD: www.loudmouthrecords.com

Visit me on Facebook! (I’m on there, I swear)

Google my shit and see what comes up.

Check out my sweet ass videos on Youtube.

Email me: jessdelfino@yahoo.com

Friday, September 19, 2008

LOOKS LIKE WHILE I WAS IN LONDON I MISSED ALL THE FUND!

Sarah Palin seems to have come up out of nowhere while I was in London singing my dirty folk rock songs. I'm bummed I missed out on all the excitement but I'm returning home to see that others have been taking good advantage of this press field day, such as Doug Stanhope who is my new favorite feminist. Go, Doug!

Check it out if you haven't already seen this doozy. Take that, Sarah, you turd!

http://www.savingbristol.com

Never in history has a woman been under more pressure to keep an
unwanted pregnancy than Bristol Palin. She is the teenage daughter of
Alaska Governor & Vice-Presidential hopeful Sarah Palin - a
conservative, Creationist Christian power-vampire and pro-life huckster
who has put Bristol and her un-welcomed fetus at the center of a
politico-religious crusade to stop her exercising her constitutional
right to terminate the pregnancy.

Rather than sit back and impotently bemoan Bristol's tragic, lonely
circumstance, it is time for us - the silent majority - to unite behind
this poor, imprisoned woman and save her from both a tyrannical
household as well as the horrible nightmare of a forced childbirth.

These are not empty words. I, Doug Stanhope, am offering you, Bristol
Palin, the sum of 25,000 dollars so that you can abort your child and
move out of that draconian home. I have also set up a PayPal link so
that others around the world can help increase this amount to ease the
burden of starting out on your own at such an early age.

I was once in a similar situation where I'd accidentally impregnated a
girl and she had to make that same fateful decision that now faces you.
It was easy for her - she didn't have a fascist, oligarch parent, the
entire Republican Party or the sneering eyes of the Christian Right to
contend with, much less a daft, puppet boyfriend who's just waiting for
the cameras to stop rolling so he can bolt like a gazelle.

We made the right choice and rather than end up bitter rivals in court
battles over custody or support, we are great friends who high-five
over our decision and have all the free time and disposable income that
young mothers never know. I now pay it forward and offer some of that
money to you.

You don't need to ruin your future in order to support the
megalomaniacal self-promotion of a mother whose every action is rooted
in a demonic ego and archaic superstition. Don't become victim of the
same pressure that had your brother "volunteering" for duty in Iraq.

Please consider my offer as time is of the essence. You don't want this
child, the father certainly doesn't want this child and the world
doesn't need another wailing mouth to feed.

I empathize with the amount of attention, pressure and possibly
out-right threats you are getting to give birth against your will and I
understand that at your age, you may go through with it no matter how
much you don't want to. Either way, you have inspired me to try to make
a difference.

Even if you cannot take my offer, I will still use my money or money
donated through this page to pay for at least one abortion for a
disadvantaged teenage girl each year for the rest of my life in the
name of your mother. And in my will, I shall have a good portion of my
estate turned into the Sarah J Palin Abortion Fund that will help girls
from all walks of life from destroying their lives and our natural
resources by having children.

You are not alone, Bristol. There are many of us out here who care.

Please show Bristol you care by either donating or signing the
guestbook to let her know that there is true love for her outside of
her current surroundings.

UPDATE:
So as to negate any rumor-mongering that I seek to profit from this, I
have changed the link so that any donations will go directly to
www.lilithfund.org, a group that assists woman who need assistance
paying for abortions. And I'll raise my own offer to Bristol to $50,000
to keep up with the crashing US dollar.

***************************

Alright, Doug!!!! Now that's putting your money where your mouth is.

Monday, September 15, 2008

DIARIES FROM THE (wrong side of the road) V:

GOOD BYE LONDON

It's been a super huzzah of a time here in the city that gets plenty of rest, as opposed to my home city, NYC, the city that never sleeps, but now that time has come to an end. My closing show was the best one of them all. Not only did it sell out but the audience was amazing. After the show we went to a great party called Stranger Than Paradise that was reminiscent of NYC's Rubulad where I hung out with the sweet and sassy Dame Amanda and an awesome and crazy gypsy 9 piece band from Canada called Blackberry Wood. I made so many new friends on my trip and didn't lose my wallet (yet) get pick-pocketed (yet)
or spend too much money (I still have to turn in my pounds which will actually make me money since they turn into almost 2 for one to dollars...)

I loved staying in Hackney with Marisa Carnesky (go see her Ghost Train in Blackpool) and in Stockwell with Simon from Duckie (go hang out at his show at Vauxhall Tavern next Saturday night) and I will miss London, as I did last time I left this polite, smart, fashionable city. But I am a little homesick, I must admit -- I miss my dirty NYC. It matches my personality pretty well. There's a reason 16 million people hang out there on a daily basis.

Thank you list:

Thank you so much to Alex on camera making me look and feel like a rock star and for tour support, help, merch, and doing everything you could to make the work seem like play, Chris on tech who worked his little butt off, Daniel Michael for his opening comedy introduction, Steve, Jenny, Nick and everyone at the Soho Theatre for making me feel welcome and well taken care of, Nancy Poole for doing an awesome job with PR, David Goo for looking out for me and helping with the show, Ollie for the ride back to Hackney, Geo for video taping, Nina for your help too, David McSavage for being fun and insane like me, Mike and Amanda for extra gigs and fun times, Ollie, Sarah and my other friends who came out to say hi, Loudmouth Records Evan and Dan for your support, Rupert for the AWESOME roller skates (!), Marisa Carnesky and Simon Casson for your generosity and comfortable accommodations and to everyone who came out to the show, bought tickets, laughed, cursed me, reviewed the show, loved it, hated it, bought CDs and tee shirts and rape whistles, bought me drinks afterwards, gave me advice and made me feel like I've actually done something important with my life and not just assembled a filthy collection of jokes and dirty folk rock. Also, anyone I forgot.

You've all helped to make my crazy feral dreams come true!!

I do hope to return soooon. It was suggested to me that I come back to The Soho Theatre and move to the bigger stage since I sold the 80 seater out. So I'm gonna get to work on THAT.

Shit list: American Airlines, Shazam who works the door at the bar next to Soho Theatre, that other asshole (you know who you are).



David Goo on stage at Cross King's Pub

Good bye everyone!! Bye bye!! New York, get my bed ready, please.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

THE LAST Jessica Delfino Dirty Folk Rock SHOW AT SOHO THEATRE IS TONITE!!

Just the hits!! Songs, jokes, fancy lighting! This is the closing night of Dirty Folk Rock and my London trip and show have been amazing -- a critic's choice in Time Out London...sold out shows...awesome times all around.

You can read all about the adventures and see pictures at www.jessydelfino.blogspot.com. The show is almost sold out last I heard (and it did sell out last night) but if you want to see me and can't get a ticket for the Soho show, I'll be doing a late night set around 1 am at Stranger Than Paradise -- a huge party in Brixton. www.myspace.com/strangerthanparadise

If you're gonna miss both, email me at jessdelfino@yahoo.com and I'll put you on my mailing list...I will be back in London very soon! And you can pick the new CD up at www.loudmouthrecords.com or by sending me a message.

While I'm gone and you're missing me, visit some of my favorite friends: Duckie in Battersea on Saturday night at the Vauxhall Tavern and Marisa Carnesky's Ghost Train in Blackpool. Tell 'em Delfino sentcha.

xoxoxoxoxo
Ms. Delfino

Thursday, September 11, 2008

DIARIES FROM THE (wrong side of the) ROAD part IV

It's another rainy day here in London, which doesn't make me angry -- nay -- the rain just makes this city more romantic.

Yesterday I spent the afternoon on Brick Lane, the Williamsburg of London, scooting around on foot, checking out all the little shops and street tables full of odds and ends. I bought a beautiful dress with little hearts on it. It made me feel 10 again.

I went there specifically to go find this old roller skate shop I wandered into last year when I was here. There were 15 pairs of roller skates in there of the coolest ilk -- orange and blue stripes, pink with purple paint splotches whipped across them, green stars on fluorescent yellow backdrops -- I'm talking show skates. Aside from the skates, there were white rasta dudes smoking joints out front and nothing else in or around the place. When I went back yesterday, the spot is a legitimate enough shop now, filled with records and clothes and all kinds of very trendy little dings and dongs, mostly American.



But all the roller skates were gone! I should have bought them when I had a chance. But I had no room in my suit case, believe it or not. That was my excuse. But I literally had bags and bags to cart home with me after spending a month in Edinburgh and then three weeks in London.

Though my heart was broken, I made a new pal (the guy who runs the joint) and he promised to keep his eye out for some fancy wheels for me.



Next I wandered into a shop and was recognized by a store customer from my Edinburgh show. That was flattering! He said HE had a pair of roller skates with heart laces and would give them to me. It was like a miracle gift.

On my last stop down Brick Lane, I happened upon a little vintage store called "I Dream Of Wires" and saw the London version of Reverend Jen's troll museum.




It was a much smaller version, but it featured it's very own Unicorn troll. It was the most beautiful little monster I've ever seen.





I got a review in yesterday's METRO. It's a good review for the most part -- a bit mixed, as I said it would be. In general, she calls me "seriously talented" (OK!), she calls the show "stirring" and calls a few of her favorite of my songs out by name, labeling them "accessible but delightfully weird" (nice!) but says the show needs to be reworked a little bit and needs some fine tuning. And she was right on and nailed it pretty good. I knew that after opening night I needed to fix a few things, and I did, and now the show is like a machine. I wish that press came night 3, because by then all the quirks would be worked out. But I'm glad press came at all, and I'm glad they had good things to say.

Today I'm going to move to Battersea to stay with a friend there and wander around in the rain. I have a pretty umbrella to keep me dry-ish.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

DIARIES FROM THE (wrong side of the) ROAD III

Last night was opening night of my show at Soho Theatre. It was a pretty good show, all in all. There was a full house with only one or two technical mishaps -- one was that my pretty red lights fell down onto the ground and caught on fire, burning and melting the felt they were attached to. My big finale was a cover song by Whitney Houston -- "Saving All My Love For You" where I clambered around through the audience and sung the song "as Whitney Houston".

That bit and my homeless joke didn't go over too well, the London audience also didn't adore "I Was In Love With You" which is generally one of my hits in America. (Hey puke dick I was in love with you...)

But for the most part, the show went pretty well and I was happy with the turn out and the audience response.

Let's see what the reviews say, if any. They will surely be mixed, as most of the reviews I get are. Hopefully the show won't be thought of as so bad that it makes the front page of the news, as poor Russell Brand's set at the VMA awards has. What a drag the press can be. I don't understand what happened there. That's the media for you. One minute they're sucking your tits off and the next minute they're ferociously (metaphorically) stabbing you with a pair of tailoring scissors (they're extra sharp).

Oh yeah -- one person walked out of the show at the end. Some guy with a hat on. He looked really pissed. I don't understand how a show called "Dirty Folk Rock" that is advertised as "edgy" and "outlandish" might be something a sensitive person would go check out. That type of person should probably attend the "Easy Listening" Comedy Hour or something, if one exists. And if one doesn't exist, maybe that will be my next show. Easy Listening Comedy. Hmm. I like the sounds of that. Makes me wanna dance around the house in a silk bathrobe with a mop.

Tonight is show #2 of the Soho Theatre run...we'll see how it goes!! And by we, I guess I mostly mean me.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

DIARIES FROM THE (wrong side of the) ROAD part II


Yesterday was another day that was so exciting, my feetsies were left aching and my forearms feel like Popeye's (the cartoon character, not the chicken place) from carrying my guitar case all over the place.

The morning started early with a car arriving to pick me up and carry me off to the BBC to be on a fun radio show called "Loose Ends" featuring some really interesting acts and performers, many of them comedic. The show facilitator, Clive Anderson is known for his work on "Who's Line Is It, Anyway?" as well as for being a comedy writer and clever bastard in general. Show highlights for me included chatting with Robin Ince, a show interviewer and famous, funny comedian, who I've known of for years and have seen perform several times but haven't gotten to meet yet.

He was very nice and made me feel a little star struck. I didn't even try to be funny around him because I knew I'd just end up sounding like a psychotic blabbering turd, so I just tried to let him do most of the talking.



But he was very sweet and unpretentious, as were all the people on the show.

I also really enjoyed a band from Brooklyn, NY who were also on the show, called Clare & The Reasons. They were dressed all in red and sang a song about Pluto's planetary title being revoked. It was the kind of music that might be the backdrop in a scene in a movie where someone is take a soothing bath.

Afterwards, we went to some pub where there was a bucket of nachos, a bunch of olives and some mini vegetable samosas, had a pint and all got to chit chat.

Later that evening, I played at an awesome joint called Duckie in Battersea to a sweaty, vast mass of gay gentlemen, possibly some straight men as well, perhaps a dozen lesbians as well as a handful of people who were probably lost. The show host, Amy Lame is something of a celebrity here in the UK for her work on radio and as a journalist and is performing on a reality show right now called "Celeb Air" where she is seeing what it's like to work as an airline hostess / celebrity. Also on the show were Bearlesque, a bunch of jolly, silly, rotund gentlemen who got semi-nude for the screaming gay crowd's viewing pleasure. Fred Bear led them in their escapades. Duckie was awesome and exhausting and I loved every second of it. The audience there made me remember why I ever got into this wacky business in the first place.

This is a beautiful park that is very near the place I'm staying in Hackney. It made me feel like a witch woman from the 1970s.



Tonight I'm playing at Cross King's Bar, David Goo's show. He has a silly name and he is an awesome musician, and not bad looking either, laaaa-diessss.

Tomorrow is opening night of my Soho Theatre show. I would be lying if I didn't say I was a little nervous.

Saturday, September 6, 2008

DIARIES FROM THE (wrong side of the) ROAD

Today I write from Hackney, a lovely borough of London which I liken to Williamsburg, NYC (not colonial Williamsburg). It's got all the cute coffee shops, bizarre adorable hangouts and gentrification (token crack head or three as well) with out all the developers coming in and tearing shit down, which now that I think about it, isn't so far from colonial Williamsburg after all.

I fell in love with London the last time I was here, with their plethora of red doors and clever architecture, snazzy double decker busses, love of art and culture, and those damn irresistible accents. They're so stinking quaint here I am torn - do I hug or punch? Hug or punch? It's a real conundrum. The light in London is lovely, as well.

The only thing I do not like about London is that I feel like a peasant on a field trip to the big city in that I can't afford to do anything but walk around and stare at shit. The dollar is so weak here, I might as well be trying to purchase goods with turds, rocks, or something else worth nothing. Nevertheless, there are no shortage of funny signs to take pictures of, cool graveyards to clamber around through and cozy cushions on the "tube" so that my butt is getting the royal treatment, even if my wallet is not.

Yesterday I did an interview with BBC radio, only one of the largest media sources in the entire world. And it was on terrestrial radio, none of that cyber station shit. That's one of the things I love about London the best. They let me be who I am and even embrace me for it. To make a metaphor for my art and music, I'm like a gay who is not only allowed to be openly gay here, but rewarded for it.





I was on the Nemone Show, and Nemone (and Jax, her show assistant producer / chum) were very friendly and fun. You can hear the interview, which went out live yesterday, at this link.








I have a photographer here with me who is documenting the trip and taking pictures of everything I do, which makes me feel pretty important / self-conscious. He's not bad in the sack, either. (He doesn't hog all the blankets.) He's so talented he should be getting fellated hourly just because he's alive, not to mention he's "chest-pain level" adorable. See for yourself...









Tonight I'm performing at a huge gay club called Duckie which is the coolest place on earth. Imagine a virtual Disney Land for gays, without any of the (typical) rides. Imagine a room, jam packed, wall to wall, with hundreds of beautiful, silly, enthusiastic (drunken) people (mostly men). This is Duckie. Simon Casson, who is responsible for assembling C'est Duckie in NYC last winter is the dude in charge and he sure knows how to throw a party. He's also verrry funny.

My Soho Theatre show starts on Monday, Sept. 8th and runs to Sept. 13th. Captain Hilarious joins me here in London tomorrow, Sunday the 7th to guest in the Soho Theatre show. I can't wait for either or both.




Jessica anxiously awaits the show, the captain

Monday, September 1, 2008

THIS LIVENS UP EVERY CONVERSATION

Be it between two or twenty two...

CHECK IT OUT!

For example:

Person #1: Something really awesome happened today at work...

Person #2: What?

Person #1: I got fired...

(go to above link for the ending of this conversation)

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

DELFINO ON APIARY -- HONEY SHOT -- NICE!!

http://www.theapiary.org/archives/2008/08/the_honey_shot_109.html#comments

This photo was taken by Cara Hancock at a show I did in Portland, Maine in June.

TONITE:

I'm doing a run through of my London show (at The Soho Theatre Sept. 8-13) TONITE. It's going to be
really short and sweet, just an hour long and then I'm going to open it up to get feedback from the audience
and reward the audience with a special treat.

Come and check out this show -- give your feedback -- make my show even more better.

With special guest Daniel Michael.

JESSICA DELFINO -- DIRTY FOLK ROCK
308 Bowery @ 1st St.
6-7 PM sharp -- show
7-7:30 sharp -- feedback

SHORT AND SWEET!!

F to 2nd Ave
6 to Bleecker St.

******************************

Saturday, August 23, 2008

So, I Was Talking To My Ex The Other Day...

Here he is, telling a funny joke about retards.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

SUDDEN CHANGE VIDEO NOW ON ATOMFILMS.COM

Awesome! A special thanks to Elijah Atkins, animator of Sudden Change. I have an alternate version of this video as well, which will be coming out shortly...

http://www.atom.com/funny_videos/sudden_change/

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

NAUGHTY NAUTICAL NITE

with your hosts Dame Darcy & Jessica Delfino

Dress to impress the fishies and lobsters in your funnest nautical get up. Come as a sailor, a pirate, a sea anemone. Win a fabulous oceanic prize!

Featuring the performances of amazing comedians, musicians and other dinghies. This month: RIME OF THE ANCIENT MARINER

Starring:

Carla Rhodes
Moonshine Shorey
Madame Rosebud
Captain Hilarious
The Marvelous Clouds
Rosie Rebel

and DJ SeaCraft

THURSDAY AUGUST 7th!!!

DOORS 9:30 PM
@ The Slipper Room
corner of Stanton and Orchard Sts.
$5 for all that fun??? Woah!!!

Friday, July 11, 2008


VERY IMPORTANT RACISM RELATED NEWS CAST


Brought to you by Derrick Beckles, Jessica Delfino and a host of other sparkling jewels. This news segment was originally filmed for Superdeluxe but they pussied out at the last minute.

Pussies!

http://streetbonersandtvcarnage.com/tvcarnage/the-n-word/
MCCAIN DRINKS AT ARLENE'S, POOR TIPPER

I took this photo last night on my celephone at Arlene's Grocery, Jon McCain was there. As you can see, he had a $28 bar tab and left a $3 tip. What is this country coming to?

Monday, July 7, 2008

Radio City Music Hall Open Call For Little People

Do---do-do-do--do--do--do--do--do!!!

(Know anyone who fits this description? Pass it on!)

LITTLE PEOPLE PERFORMERS must be under 4'10" tall, agile, move well to music, and be able to project their voice and personality. Auditioning is preferred but LITTLE PEOPLE PERFORMERS ONLY may submit a video by mail. (Send to MSG Entertainment, 1260 Avenue of the Americas, New York NY 10020, Attn: CAA Production. No video or headshot/resume submissions will be accepted for any other performers.) In addition to the auditions listed below, MSGE will be holding auditions at the National LPA convention. For more information about the LPA Convention please visit http://www.lpaonline.org.
St. Lawrence Arts Center REVIEW in THE PORTLAND PHOENIX

My own personal review: the show was pretty great. Though the audience was smallish (at it's peak I think there were 40 in total) it was a really attentive and warm audience. I made a new friend / fan named James who is going to be the president of my universal fan club. He left me presents on the hood of my rented Ford Explorer. My friend Amelia opened the night with some stand-up and we ended the evening with cake and champers at her house and then an after shindig at White Heart. Sean Carroll was a great liason and Newbury Comics in Portland is really super cool. My CDs are now being sold there, which is pretty great-so.

They are also being sold at loudmouthrecords.com and will be on itunes soon.

If you weren't able to see the show, here is a review which was in the Portland Phoenix:

REVIEW HERE!!!

Or, you can just read it here if you want:

Jessica Delfino at the St. Lawrence Arts Center, June 28

A thin crowd can be a challenge in comedy, as was the case with local opener, Amelia Kutch. It was less her material and more her lack of timing that left the 20-person crowd at the St. Lawrence Arts Center appreciative when Jessica Delfino took the floor with a veteran presence.

The stage was set with Delfino’s props — a guitar, a flying-V ukulele, a change of shoes and hat, and a microphone encircled by a set of red rope lights in the shape of a heart. All of which were pleasant precursors to the attractive and ballsy female comedian who grabbed the audience’s attention from her entrance.

Delfino has a way of making you hang on her every word with her use of dead space, body language, audience participation, and absurdly hysterical content. Whether it's a song about defecating on her ex-boyfriend and kindly nicknaming him “Shit Chin,” or a song accompanied by a rape whistle with a list of outrageous made-up reasons for a perpetrator not to rape her, she turns the taboo into feminine and empowering subject matter.

I drove out to Damariscotta Lake and hung out with my folks on the lake. It was really beautiful. Here's a photo of my dad, the dog and a very cute boy I happen to know.



And here we are, feasting at the lake house...



Yummmmss!! My dad supplies lobster to most of the Red Lobster restaurants and calls himself "lobster hitler". Good one, dad!

Monday, June 30, 2008


Naughty Nautical Nite - 2012

*A World Under Water*
with your hosts Jessica Delfino and Dame Darcy
THIS THURSDAY, July 3rd
9 PM @ The Slipper Room
www.slipperroom.com

JOIN US AT OUR NEW MYSPACE PAGE:
myspace.com/naughtynauticalnite

Dress to impress in a nautical or end of the world themed costume and win a fabulous prize that will keep you preoccupied while the world is burning!

With The Fools, Adelaide Winsome and the Handsome Cabin Boy, 400 pounds of hilarity with Angry Bob and much, much more!

$5

Thursday, June 26, 2008

WANNA HEAR SOME TUNES FROM MY NEW CD?

Well, now you can...free...HERE!

And if you live in the Portland, Maine area, be sure to check out the two shows I'm doing there this Saturday.

Newbury Comics
2-3 PM
220 Maine Mall Rd.
South Portland, Maine

and

St. Lawrence Arts Center
8:30 PM doors
9 PM show
76 Congress St.
Portland, Maine

The Portland Phoenix gave the show an editor's pick:

vhttp://thephoenix.com/Portland/Listings/Details.aspx?category=Listing&&listing=268343

See U There bitchez

Friday, June 20, 2008



CRAZY MOUSE IN THE HOUSE

I have to write about this for the sake of my humanity and well-being, and what better place to dump my emotional hand-baggage then in a public forum which is read by upwards of 30 people per day?

I'd like to apologize in advance for the graphicness of the post which you are about to read. You've been warned.

Last night after the Naughty Nautical Nite show, Darcy and I returned home with boyfriends and gear in tow. It'd been a long night in addition to being Darcy's birthday party, and we were all pretty pooped and a little bit drunk.

Darcy opened the apartment door to find a mouse on the floor, but not just any mouse -- a mouse doing flips, stunts and gymnastics which would have won him the gold medal in the mouse olympics. I've never seen any creature moving like that in my life. It was something so macabre and twisted, I couldn't even have dreamed it up.

It was lying on its' side, twirling around and around, as fast as it could. Just twirling and twirling, like it was rolling down a hill, but it wasn't really able to move anywhere else besides mostly in place. In addition to twirling really fast, it was hopping on its side, bouncing up into the air a good 6 inches or so, popping like a piece of pop corn.

When I saw the thing, my eyes did some popping of their own -- I was appalled like I've never been and that is saying a lot, as typically, I do the appalling.

Darcy was very calm but obviously upset, because her mid-western housewife Idaho accent came out a little bit. She very casually, if a bit irritatedly said, "Aw, jeez, one of you boys get this mouse out of here." The guys were standing behind us so they couldn't really see what was going on, but when we moved out of the way, they were as astounded as we were. We all kind of stood around the mouse like it was a little campfire, watching it snap and sizzle. None of us really knew what to do, because the thing was moving so fast and behaving so crazily I think we were all a bit startled and stunned.

As I said, it'd been a long day and I was pretty tired and a little drunk, and watching this mouse writhe and suffer before my eyes was just too much for me. I started tearing up and whimpering helplessly, beckoning to one of the guys to do something with it. It was beyond my ability to put it out of its misery or deal with it myself at that moment. I recommended someone pick it up and chuck it off the balcony. It seemed to me like a reasonable way to deal with a writhing mouse.

Then all of a sudden, something came over me. The absurdity of the way the mouse was behaving sent me into an uncontrollable fit of laughter paired with my tears. Darcy, in her Idaho-ian maternal manner, put her hand on my arm and said, "Aw, jeez, don't have a nervous breakdown, Delfino. Get that mouse out of here before Delfino has a nervous breakdown." I was laughing and crying at the same time and shaking so hard, I had to lean against the wall to keep from collapsing.

So here's a picture for you: 1 am, mouse convulsing and bouncing on the floor, four people gathered around it like they're having a seance, one of them (dressed like Alice In Wonderland) laughing hysterically and crying at the same time, one of them (also dressed like Alice In Wonderland) calmly giving orders, two of them (one dressed like a prince, the other dressed like a surfer) trying to catch a wiggling, dying mouse that is spinning cartwheels like it's on fire and is frantically stopping, dropping and rolling.

But the little critter still had some fight left in it, and it spun and popped its way deep beneath the couch and found someplace to hide. We had to move the couch and some things we had stored under there until we uncovered it, whence it began it's mouse-y gymnastics all over again.

Finally, my boyfriend grabbed a plastic bag, palmed the thing and tossed it off the patio, 8 stories down to its death.

I originally thought that it had been poisoned by the superintendent's mouse catching poison and was suffering, but we later deducted that when Darcy opened the apartment door, it was in the way and she'd hit it in the head or caught it under the door somehow, crippling it. I was pretty satisfied with that explanation until this morning when I spoke to my other roommate who said that he saw the mouse in the kitchen earlier in the night. He said that it had been doing the same thing, writing, spinning and popping, and that he was going to also pick it up and pitch it off the balcony but that when he saw the way it was moving, he froze because he, too was so unnerved by it's mannerisms. He said it'd rolled itself under the stove and that was the last he'd seen of it.

What would cause a mouse to move like that? Was it born without feet and had developed a special way of maneuvering around? Was it mouse-y-capped? Was it just extremely athletic? Whatever it was, I think we all learned a lesson last night, and that lesson is that things of any size that are different are scary and weird.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

TONITE

Thurs, June 19th:

Naughty Nautical Nite #4
@
The Slipper Room
at Orchard and Stanton Sts.
doors at 8:30, show at 9

Alice In Wonderland Under The Sea
meets
Dame Darcy's Birthday Bash!

$5

Come in costume, win a fabulous prize!!


This is the lighthouse I grew up near, it's called Pemaquid Point Lighthouse and it is in Pemaquid, Maine, about a fifteen minute ride away from my family's house in Damariscotta, Maine. I spent many glorious summer afternoons running around on the rocks and picking up sea glass and shells near the light house, and many terrific summer evenings running around the parking lot with friends totally shit faced. I have a lot of sentimental love for that old light house.

My friend emailed the link below to me and I felt inspired to blog about it...it's for a light house contest (I know, I know, a light house contest?) and the prize is to restore the winning light house. So if you have a minute, please cast a vote for this national landmark, and what I think is one of the most beautiful places on earth.

And if that's not good enough, then maybe this will encourage you: Every summer a dozen or so people are wiped off the face of the earth by stupidly getting too close to the edge of the rocks (Wow! Look at the view, Harry! Let's just get a little closer! Harry, take my picture! Ahhhhhhh!!!!) and getting swished away by a big wave. Thank you Pemaquid Point for your natural selection assistance, and helping to clear oblivious dum-dums and poo-brains (and their genes) off the planet in one quick swoosh!

Click on the link below and vote for Pemaquid Lighthouse. It's in the middle row, all the way to the right.

http://www.jeld-wen.com/lighthouse/

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

JESSICA DELFINO HITS THE BIG TIMES

Woah...I don't even know who to thank for this one. It's the tiniest, smallest little mention and doesn't exactly rave (or reject) my talents, but that precious NY Times ink is like the blood of a unicorn orphan. It's practically priceless! Awwwwwesome!!

CHECK OUT MY FRIEND LOPI's PICTURE-FOLIO

http://www.artistswanted.org/lopilaroe

She takes lots of pretty pictures of garbage and people and stuff. Vote five stars for
her so she will win.

And don't forget to come to my CD release party tonite.

Cakeshop
154 Ludlow St.
8:30 PM - 11 PM
with Dame Darcy, Jonathon Roberts, John F. O'Donnell, Jordan Carlos
and other very special guests.

(I go on at 10 PM with Jessica Delfino & The Jessica Delfinos. The Jessica
Delfinos are Dave Treut on drums, Mike Iannantuonno on guitar and Rob Bose
on moog.)