Monday, May 29, 2006


Maybe you were there last year, maybe you weren't. Hope you can make it this time. It's this coming Sunday...

This is how it works:

Everyone in the world is invited to write me a bad poem on the theme, "Are you glad I was born?" (Answers of "No" are accepted and even encouraged. Indifference and ambivalence are both fine, also.) Everyone is then invited to read the poems aloud on stage. I will give out crappy gift bags as well as bad awards for worst poem, lousiest poem, etc. Readers will also get booklets of last year's bad poems written by the poets of 2005. Hilarity will ensue.

There will be birthday goodies, featured guest readers of musical, literate and comedic backgrounds, Dr. Steam Whipple of The Pizzas will provide a subtle and strange musical backdrop in place of the usual imprisoned musical genius, Touching You; and Fisher Spooner's Vanessa and her dancey friends will do interpretive dance to the bad poems.

Admission is free. Please wear your nerdiest dark rimmed glasses, your best (or worst) poetry outfits and don't forget your beret or sophisticated scarf.

Hints: The born and porn rhyme has already been used to death, and there is nothing good that rhymes with Delfino.

Extra credit goes to any and all extra efforts deployed.

Come one, come all!

RSVP for a poem reading spot at, or just show up and try to slip in somewhere.

Jessica Delfino's (3rd Annual) Bad Birthday Poetry Party
SUNDAY, JUNE 4th, 2006
308 Bowery Poetry Club at 1st St.
7 pm SHARP to 9 pm

Let the rhymey times roll!

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Huge Dump Taken At New Sushi Restaurant
by Jessica Delfino

I don't remember what time it was when I realized I had to go #2. But I had to go, and there wasn't a brick wall or a pair of handcuffs anywhere that would keep me from doing what I "needed to do." My friend invited me out to lunch not knowing what evils hid deep inside of my soul and my entrails. I went into the fancy bathroom, a small room much too good for doing what I was about to do in it, and a pang of guilt overtook me - what had these nice people ever done to me? Surely nothing to deserve the horrid attack I was about to deliver. I am no terrorist, but my butt can be terroristic at times.

I made sure the door was locked. I was not about to have some poor tourist from Boise trapse in, catching my eyes for that one moment that would leave them in shock and fear; the moment that overtakes a person as they catch you in mid-plop. It is a similar feeling to catching someone you love with their man meat in their mitt; a look of desparate self-loathing-love on their ecstatic faces. Among the evil that lies in man lest we forget that man is also a sad being; a lonely being that makes gross liquids.

I kissed the seat with my soft buttocks. Oh, the joy of the men whose fingers have graced the flaxen flesh of my downy bottom - wouldn't they be shamed now to imagine their palms in place as my mudflaps flapped the mud away?

As every person fears when defecating in a public place, especially one of value, I hoped the toilet would flush, carrying my brown sins to hell, where they belonged.

I pushed, and it pulled, and I thanked god, once again.

I washed my hands furiously, as if to scrub away the metaphor of filth that surely coated them, and went out to eat some yummy food, and go make more dark wrongs.

I'd nearly forgotten about my private donation, when a child; a lovely-faced child entered the restaurant, joyfully exclaiming to the kindly japanaman in high-pitched innocense if she could please use the bathroom!? Of course, he said yes.

It took all I had not to leap from my seat, fly through the air in a japaname' stream, and knock her to the ground, saving her from the aftermath of my leavings.
But I let her go.

She would be a woman, soon.

As I ate the last bite of my delicious meal, I thought of the last remarkable line of the poem by Alexander Pope: "Oh, Celia! Celia! Celia shits!"

Oh, she shat alright. And don't they all, Alexander? Don't we all?

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

EUREKA!!! It's a new post!

Holy vagina!


I've been waiting for a long time to update my blog, but now, thanks to my friend David, there's a link to my video placed in the upper right hand corner (look up...see???) and I can go on with my blog life.

Where to begin? OK!

I'll tell you this. I'm performing a lot this week. See my schedule for specific details, but I will say this - tomorrow, Tuesday at 8 PM, I'm playing at Freddy's Back Room (485 Dean St., Park Slope, Brooklyn) with Tickle Dracula and Bitter Poet. Hurrah! Tickle Dracula tells jokes over surf-y rock (they are terrific) and Bitter Poet sings songs of his bitter poetry guised in red and black, the colors of bitterness.

Next, this Friday, I'm opening for Otto and George, ventriloquist comedy legend! And I'll go one more with a huzzah! It's in Yonkers...if you live in Yonkers and you want more information, just send me an eletronic note and I'll send you details.

Sunday, May 21st from 6-8 PM ($5) is the monthly "Night of A Shitload of Stars" or NO ASS for short. This is a terrific, fast-paced variety show of epic proportions, originated and partially booked by CXB and carried on by me in his jailed stead. This month, we've got a fabulous line-up so good, your teeth could fall out. (Not guaranteed.) Hosted by Reverend Jen and featuring Kristen Schall, Elephant Larry, Mike Amato, The Black & The Jew, Adira Amram, The Dustbunnies, The Trachtneburg Family Slideshow Players, short films and virtually a shitload more stars.

And speaking of CXB, this is very important. I hereby implore each and every reader whose eyes lie upon this line to come and stand witness next Monday, seven days from now (technically six since it's now 2 am on Tuesday) MAY 22nd at 10 AM, for the sentencing of my beloved and imprisoned fiance, Mr. Christopher X. Brodeur. (The X is real - it stands for Xavier.) By now, most of you know that Christopher is a political prisoner who is serving the maliciously vulgar amount of time of 6 months at Riker's Island for a speech related misdemeanor. He will be sentenced on this date and is looking at up to 9 additional months in jail at Riker's.

Please come to show that you believe in free speech, even if it isn't nice speech.

The sentencing will be held at 100 Center St. (downtown), Rm. 450. Go left in the hallway (out of the elevators) and through the door at the end of the hallway. See room 450 straight ahead. Please arrive around 10 am. You will go through metal detectors, so leave your knives and illegal drugs at home.

"All that is required for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing" - Edmund Burke

So, come out to Center St. on Monday, May 22nd and show your support.

At the last sentencing, about 50 people showed up and we had an impromptu, vivacious party in the courtroom, featuring many spirited and beloved artists, activists and people about town. Everyone's going. Bring your dancing shoes and get ready to do a jig for justice.

On a very serious note, Christopher is looking at a lot more time, and we could use any and all support. I've been struggling to pay an exorbitant amount of rent alone and I fear what the future holds for us. We're supposed to be getting married on Dec. 25, 2006, and he is missing my special bad birthday poetry party on June 4th and my third tenth birthday on June 8th. So, to say I'm a little bummed about this is a gross, disgusting understatement. I'm literally crushed by all of this, and would relish any bit of support any of you could muster.

So, please don't hold the muster or the relish. Just show up.