Saturday, April 19, 2003

by Jessica Delfino

Week of: Mon, April 21th - Sun, April 27th

MON - 4/21
I think I'm going to go watch, not perform in:
Pajama Jam
@ the Marquee Theater
306 W. 27th St. bt 7th & 8th aves.

TUE - 4/22
JERK-OFF @ Via Della Pace (downstairs)
7th St. @ 2nd Ave. (SE Corner)
8:00 PM

B3 (downstairs)
3rd St. @ Ave B (SE Corner)
9 PM

WED - 4/23
BIG NIGHT OUT @ RIFIFI (in the back)
11th St. near 1st Ave. (South side of street)
10 PM

THU - 4/24
13th St. @ 2nd Ave. (SW corner)
7:00 PM

FRI - 4/25
NY State of Mind, Mensa Comedy Show
Staten Island
10 PM
For more info, call: (782) 438-0067

SAT - 4/26
Sacket & Degraw Sts.
Carrol Gardens, BKLN
(F,G to Carrol St.)
8:30 PM

SUN - 4/27
2nd Avenue and Essex St.
(F to 2nd Ave.)
9 PM

So come out and see some shows. To be on my emailing list, please send email to: Thanks, you're awesome.

LOST: Cell phone
by Jessica Delfino

I lost my cell phone the other week. I can’t believe I did that. I spent about an hour late one evening last week tracing every step I took, over and over in my mind. Did I leave it at the late night burrito shack that I visited with my friend after smoking a joint on the street in Union Square? That would’ve made sense, I was stoned and hungry. I imagined myself leaving it on the table and just walking away from it, leaving it there like a child to fend for itself. I know it’s just a cell phone but that thought made me rag on myself for days about the kind of mother I might someday make. After all, I am my mother’s daughter. But I digress. Had I put it on the tray o’ trash and dumped it into the garbage can? Would I do something so stupid? All the times I’d hitch hiked here or there which had been asleep in my memories awoke at that moment, and banded together as a chorus, pointing markedly at yes. Yes, I would do something so stupid. But really, would I have done something THAT stupid? I think I already answered, yes.

I walked down 2nd avenue and across 9th st. towards 1st ave where I would catch the bus. My friend and I talked about bills or boys. Did I remember a mysterious clanking sound behind us at one point while we were walking? Could that have been my phone spilling out onto the sidewalk and shattering into two pieces – phone shell and battery? I imagined a homeless person finding the phone and feeling like he’d just won the lottery. If that were the case, I was unexpectedly shoved into the ‘they’ in that situation. As in, “I don’t know, I guess “they’re” leaving phones around the city for us to use,” or, “Well, “they” ain’t never done nothing for me, so I’m keeping this shit.”

At 1st ave, we parted ways, kissing on the cheek in New York fashion. I crossed the street and made my way up towards the corner of 14th St. to get the bus. I waited for a bit. I think I remembered feeling my cell phone in the flimsy pocket of my satin jacket. When I bought that jacket on sale at Urban Outfitters, I knew that the pockets were going to do something unspeakable to me someday. Still, in the name of shame, I bought it anyway.

I boarded the bus and sat in the corner. I took out my notebook and began writing some jokes. I looked around the bus at a few late night couples, cruising uptown to go do it in their tiny studio apartments. I saw a smelly man flipping out over some pictures in a magazine. A fat lady and her friend watched him, making “that guy is nuts!” facial expressions at each other. When my stop came, I was so engrossed in joke writing, I missed it. I jumped up in time to see it fly by and pushed the strip to stop at the next closest stop. The bus came to a screeching halt and I almost fell over. I regained my composure and pranced off the bus, into the cool air surrounding the street.

I felt in my pocket to check the time. Cell phone – gone. I felt in my other pocket. I searched in my purse, but then I stopped. I didn’t even have to do that. I knew it was gone. My purse felt strangely different without the cell phone’s slim, rectangular shape clanking around among lipsticks and notebooks. I sighed a stoned sigh of defeat and slowly stumbled back to my 17-story walk up apartment.

When I got in, I dumped my purse out on the floor to confirm what I already knew. “I lost my cell phone,” I told my fiancĂ©. “Aw,” he said. “Come here. Take your pants off.”
That’s one thing I love about him. When things were sucky, he always did know how to make himself feel better.

“They” sent me a new phone. It came in the mail in 3-5 business days. I ripped the package open like a junkie and spilled the contents out onto the floor. I sat on my knees, almost ritualistically sliding the battery into the phone shell. They sent me an extra charger, too. I hadn’t lost my charger. Now I have two. One for trips.

My phone came turned on and ready to go. I just had to unlock it using a special code. But I didn’t make any calls, all day long yesterday. Nor did my cell phone ring. I didn’t get back into the cell phone swing of things until last night. As I was exiting the L train to walk over to Level X to do the Comedy Kabob, my cell phone made it’s familiar peaking and falling tinkle, to indicate that I had messages.

As I pressed the voice mail button, I felt myself simultaneously falling back in line with the personal technological advancements we have today to be thankful for.

Thursday, April 17, 2003

by Jessica Delfino

Reply to:
Date: 2003-04-14, 10:07AM

We are looking for a plumber to fix leaky faucets in two buildings we have in Jersey City. The problem may be as simple as replacing the washer or as involved as replacing the faucet. We at a budget of around $20 per replacement. If you need to replace the faucet, we will reimburse you for the price of the faucet. Please contact Jean-Paul.

Dear JP

I couldn’t help but overanalyze, it’s just my nature, and I don’t mean to come off seeming like a freaky weird-nick, but I was wondering if by ‘fix leaky faucets’ you mean, engage in anal sex?

If so, I am definitely interested in this position. I was hoping that by ‘replacing the washer’ you meant frolicking among a queen sized matress in a dimly lit room. I know you have a ‘budget’ (huge testicles, right? Wink-wink, nudge, nudge) and all, but I am willing to ‘work with you.’

I am so horny, and I am really just dying to get reimbursed, really hard. Please let me know if your ‘faucet’ is still broken, because whether you like it to be ‘simple’ as you said in your ad, or quite complex, I think I’m the person for the ‘job.’

Have a great evening, hope to see your “Jersey City buildings.”

by Jessica Delfino

Reply to:
Date: 2003-04-14, 1:37PM

Full time Super, Prefer mature couple. FREE apartment, FREE health insurance. Free phone, electric and cable TV. Must have knowledge of: repairs, electric, plumbing, painting, boiler and #4 oil burner. Minimum 5 years experience and good references. 40 apartments. Walk up building. Starting salary $750/month.

Dear Xellmanx

You have a very interesting name. Is that Yugoslavian? I bet it isn’t! Ha ha! I am writing about the job you put up on Craig’s List. I am the mature half of a mature couple. I have no knowledge of repairs, electric, plumbing, I can do some painting (I was an art major) I don’t know about boiler – what you meant by that, and #4 oil burner, I’m blank there, too.

However, I do have five years experience in many things, and good references I promise you are not fabricated. I am especially interested in the free apartment, health insurance, phone, electric and cable TV. I think those things would be great for me. I’m really good at not paying rent or utility bills. I do have to question the starting salary of $750 a month. How am I supposed to live on such meager earnings? How am I to purchase food, diapers for my fiancĂ©, make up products, pens when I run out of them, matches, laminating plastic, razor blades, cotton balls, facial exfoliant, denim pot holders, French to English translating software, tickets to see the play Cabaret!, a candelabra, rare baseball cards, a pink flamingo lawn ornament, extension cords, a vintage Mickey Mouse tee shirt with Mickey Mouse giving us all the finger, a patch for my diaphragm, patchouli, lemonade straws, a spitting cup, Lysol? You have given me much to consider. I hope I’ve given you something, too.

Is it too much to ask that you pay minimum wage? Just because you are Yugoslavian doesn’t mean that you can pay Yugoslavianan wages here in America.

I guess now that I think about this job, it doesn’t sound so hot. Walking up a building that has 40 floors seems a bit intense. Aren’t there laws against that kind of thing? It seems like you are advertising an illegal occupation here.

Thank you for your consideration, and have a great day,
Mrs. Balolowlochowskowi

Tuesday, April 15, 2003

Episode 1 - Blowing The Chauffer Job
by Jessica Delfino

Reply to:

Chauffeur wanted for occassinal driving, most often within Manhattan.
Hours will vary according to my schedule.
Excellent job for students, actors, etc.
Must have NYSDL and a good driving record. You will be using my Lexus.

Dear lavail;

How are you doing? I would like to drive your sweet ass car around. You seem
like a nice person with great taste. I bet you are rich, too.

I have special interest in this job, because your ad reminded me of the song
”Mercedes Boy” in which the artist sings, “Do you want to ride in my Mercedes, boy?”
And then after she goes, “Ri-yide!” I thought that was sort of like your situation,
Except I’m a girl, and I guess I’d be driving mostly, and you’d be doing more of the riding.
And your car is a Lexus, which isn’t quite as good as a Mercedes, but it’s no
Ford Focus, I’ll give you that.

Let’s help each other. I come from meager beginnings. I always wanted to
drive a Lexus. Unfortunately, in my family, it was Subaru, all the way. We
probably could have afforded a nice Lincoln Town Car or perhaps even a rock solid
Peugeot, but my dad wouldn’t have it. “Subaru!” he’d shout, sometimes unprovoked.

I have a grade A clean NYSDL (New York State Driver’s License, I bet you meant)
And a stellar driving record. I think you and I will really hit it off. As you can see,
I’ve got a great sense of humor, (knock knock, who’s there? Me? Me who? Me-OW!)
And I’m really just the peaches flesh. You’ll love me. I promise.

So hire me, and you won’t be upset. Lex(us) begin a beautiful work relationship in which
you pay me a ridiculous amount of money to do little to no work.

Thank you and god bless,

Sunday, April 13, 2003

Don’t Ask A Girl To Pee In Your Mouth (On The First Date)
By Jessica Delfino

Being a freak is fine, but timing is imperative, especially in regards to special requests.
When you go on a first date, ask a lot of unrelated sex questions. If the girl has a strong libido, she will bring up sex without your help.

When trying to involve bodily fluids into sex, be patient. If you aren’t patient, you should probably just pay for a hooker.

When you first get your girl to bed, then you can ask questions, but keep them soft core. Do you like this? What turns you on? Mild questions will open doors to more information. Don’t come on too strong. Instead of asking, “So are you going to pee in my mouth or what?” Try asking, “Have you ever peed in your pants? Isn’t it fun?”

Face the facts, sir. You may be a nice guy, but you’re still a pervert. Most girls don’t pee in guys’ mouths. It’s gross, it’s unsanitary, and it’s just plain weird. It doesn’t mean it’s wrong, necessarily, but it’s not common. You shouldn’t just expect that every girl wants to pee in your mouth. It’s important to create and maintain a level of trust before you jump into pee requests. You’d probably have better luck asking to borrow $100 on the first date.

Once you have reached a common comfort level, anything is possible. If a girl loves you, it is likely she will do just about anything for you. However, don’t accuse her of leading you on when at the end of the night she says, “I’ve really got to go,” and she doesn’t mean in your mouth.