Thursday, December 31, 2009

Happy New Year! As a special offer to my loyal fans and friends, I'm inviting my regular readers to join my "SONG OF THE MONTH" club absolutely friggin' FREE! Membership has its' privileges, ya know.

As a SOTM club member, you will get:

***An inbox invitation to hear a NEW "SONG OF THE MONTH" every month!***
Hear new songs before the general public gets invited to hear it!

*** You'll also get free tickets to special events!***
Attend recording sessions and private listening parties
that WILL NOT be sent out to my public lists.

*** Here's the best part:***
You will also get YOUR OWN personal membership card,
designed by me, Jessica Delfino, art school grad.
Hold onto your card, because you'll be able to present it for
 discounted and free admission to shows and events!

*** Finally***
You'll get other surprises through out the year,
as they come along.


Please send an email to with the subject, "SONG OF THE MONTH" club. In the body of the email, please write your mailing address if you would like your membership card mailed to you, or it will be emailed to you to print out yourself. If you don't have a printer, you can also print it at the library, which is free at most branches -- did you know that?

After joining, be sure to mark the email address "" as NOT SPAM so that your SONG OF THE MONTH club emails will be able to get through to you, timely, with no problem!

Later in 2010, there will be a fee to join the song of the month club, so get your FREE MEMBERSHIP while it lasts! And spread the word!! If you are under 18, please check with your parents before joining, unless you are a rebel and are willing to suffer the consequences of getting busted listening to twisted ditties. See ya real soon!

Tuesday, December 29, 2009


This is the fun-time podcast we recorded last night at an east village bar. It kinda sounds like three drunk-ish people having a fun, drunk-ish conversation while music plays in the background, because, that's exactly what it is.
LISTEN IN TODAY on 93.9 FM, WNYC, between 11 am - 1 pm

I'm going to be on WNYC's Leonard Lopate show today, Tuesday, talking about my Smith Magazine's 6 word resolution contest submission, which was one of the winners. It was, "Make neo-feminist comedy go main stream". Call it 6 and a half words, if you will, I call it art-ctivism. You can listen live here online.

My other six word resolution: "No more postponing rape whistle orchestra".

Who wants in? Email me for more info and your very own place in the rape whistle orchestra, rape whistle included.

FUN: A recent podcast I appeared on with comedian Jamie Lee


SAVE THIS DOG: (passed on by a friend) This pooch was put on a euthanize list today, anyone want a lovely white pit bull?

Sunday, December 27, 2009


I've started putting advertisements onto my blog to help cover the costs of running an independent
dirty ditty business. You can help me to continue my dirty ditty enterprise by making a charitable
donation via ( It's quick, easy, free (except for the cost of
the donation), tax deductible and awesome of you.

Another way you can help is to click on a link, any old link, for any old reason. You don't have
to buy anything, just click, get up and use the ladies room or go make a sandwich, return and
be done with it all.

At the bottom of one of my posts, there is a horse & carriage ride link -- I DO NOT CHOOSE THE
ADS THEY POST, but I DO NOT CONDONE horse & carriage rides. So click on any other one but that
one, if you click on the links.


Why not learn ya a little somethin' today?

This first article is about Dolly Freed's 1970s book, "Possum Living". It captured my imagination because this
is essentially how I live, well, without all the turtle shooting. I first saw this article on the Flavorpill Boldtype newsletter.
This Dolly Freed character is a pretty fascinating lady. She became a NASA engineer with only a high school diploma, and
has a very likable and endearing way about her. This article includes a 3 piece youtube mini doc about her and her
dad who did "Possum Living", including the appearance the book she wrote as a young lady got her on the Merv
Griffin show.

This next article was sent to me by a friend, and is about the true, mystical symbolism of Christmas. It's pretty neat! It's really long but just read it until you get bored, then move onto someone else's blog.

Enjoy how ever much of it you can get through!

The psychedelic secrets of Santa Claus
By Dana Larsen - Thursday, December 18 2003
Modern Christmas traditions are based on ancient mushroom-using shamans.
(Art by Jimmy Bursenos: --plus all the links at the
bottom of the page-- can be seen and found at the link below)

Although most people see Christmas as a Christian holiday, most of the
symbols and icons we associate with Christmas celebrations are actually
derived from the shamanistic traditions of the tribal peoples of
pre-Christian Northern Europe.

The sacred mushroom of these people was the red and white amanita
muscaria mushroom, also known as "fly agaric." These mushrooms are now
commonly seen in books of fairy tales, and are usually associated with
magic and fairies. This is because they contain potent hallucinogenic
compounds, and were used by ancient peoples for insight and
transcendental experiences.

Most of the major elements of the modern Christmas celebration, such as
Santa Claus, Christmas trees, magical reindeer and the giving of gifts,
are originally based upon the traditions surrounding the harvest and
consumption of these most sacred mushrooms.

The world tree

These ancient peoples, including the Lapps of modern-day Finland, and
the Koyak tribes of the central Russian steppes, believed in the idea of
a World Tree. The World Tree was seen as a kind of cosmic axis, onto
which the planes of the universe are fixed. The roots of the World Tree
stretch down into the underworld, its trunk is the "middle earth" of
everyday existence, and its branches reach upwards into the heavenly

The amanita muscaria mushrooms grow only under certain types of trees,
mostly firs and evergreens. The mushroom caps are the fruit of the
larger mycelium beneath the soil which exists in a symbiotic
relationship with the roots of the tree. To ancient people, these
mushrooms were literally "the fruit of the tree."

The North Star was also considered sacred, since all other stars in the
sky revolved around its fixed point. They associated this "Pole Star"
with the World Tree and the central axis of the universe. The top of the
World Tree touched the North Star, and the spirit of the shaman would
climb the metaphorical tree, thereby passing into the realm of the gods.
This is the true meaning of the star on top of the modern Christmas
tree, and also the reason that the super-shaman Santa makes his home at
the North Pole.

Ancient peoples were amazed at how these magical mushrooms sprang from
the earth without any visible seed. They considered this "virgin birth"
to have been the result of the morning dew, which was seen as the semen
of the deity. The silver tinsel we drape onto our modern Christmas tree
represents this divine fluid.

Reindeer games

The active ingredients of the amanita mushrooms are not metabolized by
the body, and so they remain active in the urine. In fact, it is safer
to drink the urine of one who has consumed the mushrooms than to eat the
mushrooms directly, as many of the toxic compounds are processed and
eliminated on the first pass through the body.

It was common practice among ancient people to recycle the potent
effects of the mushroom by drinking each other's urine. The amanita's
ingredients can remain potent even after six passes through the human
body. Some scholars argue that this is the origin of the phrase "to get
pissed," as this urine-drinking activity preceded alcohol by thousands
of years.

Reindeer were the sacred animals of these semi-nomadic people, as the
reindeer provided food, shelter, clothing and other necessities.
Reindeer are also fond of eating the amanita mushrooms; they will seek
them out, then prance about while under their influence. Often the urine
of tripped-out reindeer would be consumed for its psychedelic effects.

This effect goes the other way too, as reindeer also enjoy the urine of
a human, especially one who has consumed the mushrooms. In fact,
reindeer will seek out human urine to drink, and some tribesmen carry
sealskin containers of their own collected piss, which they use to
attract stray reindeer back into the herd.

The effects of the amanita mushroom usually include sensations of size
distortion and flying. The feeling of flying could account for the
legends of flying reindeer, and legends of shamanic journeys included
stories of winged reindeer, transporting their riders up to the highest
branches of the World Tree.

Santa Claus, super shaman

Although the modern image of Santa Claus was created at least in part by
the advertising department of Coca-Cola, in truth his appearance,
clothing, mannerisms and companions all mark him as the reincarnation of
these ancient mushroom-gathering shamans.

One of the side effects of eating amanita mushrooms is that the skin and
facial features take on a flushed, ruddy glow. This is why Santa is
always shown with glowing red cheeks and nose. Even Santa's jolly "Ho,
ho, ho!" is the euphoric laugh of one who has indulged in the magic

Santa also dresses like a mushroom gatherer. When it was time to go out
and harvest the magical mushrooms, the ancient shamans would dress much
like Santa, wearing red and white fur-trimmed coats and long black

These peoples lived in dwellings made of birch and reindeer hide, called
"yurts." Somewhat similar to a teepee, the yurt's central smokehole is
often also used as an entrance. After gathering the mushrooms from under
the sacred trees where they appeared, the shamans would fill their sacks
and return home. Climbing down the chimney-entrances, they would share
out the mushroom's gifts with those within.

The amanita mushroom needs to be dried before being consumed; the drying
process reduces the mushroom's toxicity while increasing its potency.
The shaman would guide the group in stringing the mushrooms and hanging
them around the hearth-fire to dry. This tradition is echoed in the
modern stringing of popcorn and other items.

The psychedelic journeys taken under the influence of the amanita were
also symbolized by a stick reaching up through the smokehole in the top
of the yurt. The smokehole was the portal where the spirit of the shaman
exited the physical plane.

Santa's famous magical journey, where his sleigh takes him around the
whole planet in a single night, is developed from the "heavenly
chariot," used by the gods from whom Santa and other shamanic figures
are descended. The chariot of Odin, Thor and even the Egyptian god
Osiris is now known as the Big Dipper, which circles around the North
Star in a 24-hour period.

In different versions of the ancient story, the chariot was pulled by
reindeer or horses. As the animals grow exhausted, their mingled spit
and blood falls to the ground, forming the amanita mushrooms.

St Nicholas and Old Nick

Saint Nicholas is a legendary figure who supposedly lived during the
fourth Century. His cult spread quickly and Nicholas became the patron
saint of many varied groups, including judges, pawnbrokers, criminals,
merchants, sailors, bakers, travelers, the poor, and children.

Most religious historians agree that St Nicholas did not actually exist
as a real person, and was instead a Christianized version of earlier
Pagan gods. Nicholas' legends were mainly created out of stories about
the Teutonic god called Hold Nickar, known as Poseidon to the Greeks.
This powerful sea god was known to gallop through the sky during the
winter solstice, granting boons to his worshippers below.

When the Catholic Church created the character of St Nicholas, they took
his name from "Nickar" and gave him Poseidon's title of "the Sailor."
There are thousands of churches named in St Nicholas' honor, most of
which were converted from temples to Poseidon and Hold Nickar. (As the
ancient pagan deities were demonized by the Christian church, Hold
Nickar's name also became associated with Satan, known as "Old Nick!")

Local traditions were incorporated into the new Christian holidays to
make them more acceptable to the new converts. To these early
Christians, Saint Nicholas became a sort of "super-shaman" who was
overlaid upon their own shamanic cultural practices. Many images of
Saint Nicholas from these early times show him wearing red and white, or
standing in front of a red background with white spots, the design of
the amanita mushroom.

St Nicholas also adopted some of the qualities of the legendary
"Grandmother Befana" from Italy, who filled children's stockings with
gifts. Her shrine at Bari, Italy, became a shrine to St Nicholas.

Modern world, ancient traditions

Some psychologists have discussed the "cognitive dissonance" which
occurs when children are encouraged to believe in the literal existence
of Santa Claus, only to have their parents' lie revealed when they are
older. By so deceiving our children we rob them of a richer heritage,
for the actual origin of these ancient rituals is rooted deep in our
history and our collective unconscious. By better understanding the
truths within these popular celebrations, we can better understand the
modern world, and our place in it.

Many people in the modern world have rejected Christmas as being too
commercial, claiming that this ritual of giving is actually a
celebration of materialism and greed. Yet the true spirit of this winter
festival lies not in the exchange of plastic toys, but in celebrating a
gift from the earth: the fruiting top of a magical mushroom, and the
revelatory experiences it can provide.

Instead of perpetuating outdated and confusing holiday myths, it might
be more fulfilling to return to the original source of these seasonal
celebrations. How about getting back to basics and enjoying some magical
mushrooms with your loved ones this solstice? What better gift can a
family share than a little piece of love and enlightenment?

- The Hidden Meanings of Christmas, Mushroms and Mankind, by James
- Santa Claus & the Amanita Muscaria, by Jimmy Bursenos
- Who put the Fly Agaric into Christmas?, Seventh International
Mycological Congress, December 1999, Fungus of the Month
- The Real Story of Santa, The Spore Print, Los Angeles Mycological
Society, December 1998
- Santa and those Reindeer: The Hallucinogenic Connection, The Physics
of Christmas, by Roger Highfield
- Fungi, Fairy Rings and Father Christmas, North West Fungus Group, 1998
Presidential Address, by Dr Sean Edwards
- Fly Agaric, Tom Volk's Fungus of the Month for December 1999
- Father Christmas Flies on Toadstools, New Scientist, December 1986
- Psycho-mycological studies of amanita: From ancient sacrament to
modern phobia, by Jonathan Ott, Journal of Psychedelic Drugs; 1976
- Santa is a Wildman, LA Times, Jeffrey Vallance

- Mushrooms and Mankind, by James Arthur
- Soma: Divine Mushroom of Immortality, by Gordon Wasson
- Mushrooms, Poisons and Panaceas, by Denis R. Benjamin
Two Chord Minimum, Dec. 28th, 8 PM
Upcoming show details:

Two-Chord Minimum - New York's finest comedy/music show - is happy to present its first show at the PIT!

You've got comedy in my music! You've got music in my comedy! Tastes great!


Rob Lathan ("Get Psyched!",VH1, Late Night with Conan O'Brien)
Linda San Lucas (Broadway Comedy Club)
Hal Oral (Gotham)
Jessica Delfino (Edinburgh Fringe Festival)
The 'Drelles (Christina Casa & Kassi Dougherty)
and more!

Hosted by Michelle Dobrawsky (Broadway Comedy Club, SuperEgo Comedy)

Monday, December 28th
8:00 PM
People's Improv Theater
154 West 29th Street between 6th and 7th, 2nd Floor
Tickets are $5

Saturday, December 26, 2009

It's fun for the whole family, except for the kids! It's the rape whistle song! Live at Ars Nova's Showgasm show this past fall.
Who is that fella in the back drop watching me? A secret service guy?

PS -- I'm going to be on WNYC's Leonard Lopate show this Tuesday talking about my Smith Magazine's 6 word resolution contest submission, which was one of the winners. It was, "Make neo-feminist comedy go main stream". Call it 6 and a half words, if you will, I call it a little sliver of my hopes and dreams.

I know it seems like this should be common idiot sense that my CD should have been put on Itunes years ago, but I'm literally a one woman enterprise here. I even do the work of the people who are supposed to be working for me.

So FINALLY, FINALLY, my CD "I Wanna Be Famous" is live and up on Itunes. There, you can buy the whole CD electronically (all 15 songs, including "My Pussy Is Magic" and "The Rape Whistle Song") for $10 smackeroonies. If you want the actual CD, which is really beautiful -- I illustrated it myself and it features a full-color poster inside and all the lyrics -- it costs a little more and the only way to currently buy it is through me via, so if you'd like to own it, email me $12 at and it will get mailed to your door in a matter of days. It's really that easy.

Or you can go to your Itunes store and put the magic words in: JESSICA DELFINO. Then, you'll see this:

And life will start to get instantly better.

If you want to hear a BRAND NEW SONG, visit to hear "FIGHT THE PARTY", my DECEMBER song of the month jam. The song of the month series is produced by out of Brooklyn, NY.


See ya in 2010! Maybe sooner.

Monday, December 21, 2009


Today, Dec. 21st, in collaboration with, I give to the world a NEW SONG entitled, "FIGHT THE PARTY". This is part of a new project where every month I release a new single. This month's choice cut is a hypnotic jam based on my experiences performing in the underground NYC party scene.

I hope you enjoy it!!! I'll be performing in Brooklyn on New Year's Eve for the first time live, where else? At a huge underground party. For those of you who know me and know the parties I'm talking about, this song is for you. Keep partying against the fight!

Last month, we dropped, "Happy Stoned Thanksgiving", a mellow stoner-centric number to celebrate the high holidays. The song was met with celebration and much positive feedback. I'm now in talks with a very large record label and will keep you posted on the outcome. Hey "other" record labels, it's not too late to get in on this sweet bidding me, wink.

Wine me. Dine me. I can take it.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Two Days In The Life of...

I don't have too much exciting news today, unless by "news", you mean opinions and observations, dribbled out onto the internet like I just had a dental procedure done and can't help myself. But then again with the news these days, what's the difference between that and my drool? Zing zang and zung. Today, all I've got for you is a recap of my week. Boring? Maybe. Maybe not. You be the judge. No, go ahead. Judge me. I can take it.

On Tue I hung out with an old (she's like 30 something) friend from Texas who used to live in NYC. We met up for nibbles at Vanessa's, the greatest LES dumpling hole in the wall since holes and walls began. We tossed back a few soups and some sesame pancakes, (always delicious, always wicked cheap) then went over to yet another release party for KONG Magazine at Happy Ending. There was a raffle, a sex toy was given away (a rabbit), I won it. Last night, I was asking my bf if he wanted to try it out, and he was absolutely horrified. He said, it's basically just doing my job. And I thought about it and he was right. The wily el rabbitos have been coming to America and taking all the American men's jobs. No wonder men are such big cry babies all the time.

Anyway, a bunch of pals came out to the mag party (there was an open bar but it was this gross sake that wasn't even very strong, and I know, because I drank like 8 of them and walked out of the place an hour later in a straight line). We all hoofed it over to Slipper Room to see Seth Herzog's SWEET show (my Tuesday night mainstay, as of late) and it was packed and awesome fun.

Yesterday I was a model for an upcoming Time Out NY story which I'm very excited about, that's supposed to hit the stands in early Feb. While I was there, a group of friendlies such as Julie Lamendola from the band Ching Chong Song and Phoebe Croix and some other folks I know from Sidewalk Cafe started setting up instruments and performing a live concert in the middle of Time Out NY. It was pretty strange and wonderful. Apparently they shoot shows there once a week. I saw Noah Tarnow, host of Big Quiz Thing who I haven't seen in ages but know from the old days of Collective Unconscious in the Lower East Side, and Jay Ruttenberg who I know through some old pals, the Trachtenburgs. The show was really great and I'm glad I got to see a few songs before I had to jet out the door for my Skits'N'Tits business meeting.

At the meeting, we discussed putting together a web series, and what our new sketches would be for the Wed Jan 13 show. We have a TERRIFIC surprise for that show which is so good, we are not even allowed to share what it is, but TRUST US, you MUST see this show. After the rehearsal, I performed at the always fun INNER MONOLOGUES story show, made a new neighbor friend, sold some of my subversive holiday ornaments and came home to a hot dinner, prepared and waiting for me to inhale.

Life is good, sometimes.

Today I work on building my new office.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Plug from the Pill

I love Flavorpill's mailing list -- first of all, they're selective. They don't just list any old thing. Second, they list really interesting events that I'm often tickled by. Third, they've got style. And I do like me some style.

Today, they've confirmed for me that they've still got it, by listing the awesome upcoming Craftermath craft show. They did muck it up a little bit by saying it was "my brainchild", I actually co-created this show with Daniella LaBocca, lady producer extraordinaire and stage manager of the awesome Skits'N'Tits, in addition to being a wicked sass master, feminist and new but fast close friend. The ChiChiones will be doing burlesque but also presenting crafts of their own (as NYC's most CRAFTASTIC burlesque group) and a few other great gals will be on hand to show their work, including Jenny and her tiny subversive paintings and more. We will also have snacks and some special tricks up our sleeves, TRUST US, we like to entertain and can't help but do things slightly awesomely.

It's THIS SAT, 6-9 PM, free, 269 Local @ 269 E. Houston / Suffolk. F to 2nd Ave or bike / walk / taxi it from your house. Do not miss it, k?

By the way, my other favorite mailing lists are FreeNYC, GirlyGirl Army and I really and truly especially love Jeff Stark's Nonsense NYC, with an honorable mention to Down By The Hipster and a few others which are skipping out of Mindtown right now like they have a court date tomorrow and they know they're gonna lose.

See ya Sat!

If for some reason you can't make it, it's OK, I'm on etsy at DENofDELFINO, though my trees be way cheaper in person.

And last but not least, I not only have tree ornaments made out of tampons, but also now, NEW! Stars of David, for your favorite Hanukkah bush. Happy 5th day of Hanukkah!

Monday, December 14, 2009

EXCITING NEWS!! What Would Jesus Buy? on TV tonite!

I was commissioned by producer Morgan Spurlock to write the anti-Christmas carols in this film. I'm so excited to see that it is going to be showing on The Sundance Channel. Please check it out if you have cable. If you don't, you can watch it here for free online. I found this movie to be highly entertaining, heart wrenching and informative, as well as blasphemous and a fun holiday film. I saw it at the Edinburgh Film Festival a few years ago on the big screen, it looked great.

Here is a memo from Reverend Billy with more info:

Monday night 9 PM EST, What Would Jesus Buy? –-starring Reverend Billy, Savitri D and the 40-voice Life After Shopping Gospel Choir-- will premiere on the Sundance Channel.

Rev and Savi will be honored to chat with you as we watch the film together, live! Go to

Join the joyous gritty anti-consumerists as they tour the country trying to stop the shopping frenzy. From Buy Nothing Day in Times Square – to Christmas Day in Disneyland in 30 days.

For those without the Sundance Channel, you can watch WWJB? online with an Instant Netflix account, or you can stream it for free at!

The film is produced by Morgan Spurlock and directed by Rob VanAlkamade. Created in 2005, before the Great Recession, the film conjures much of the tragedy that has happened since. Amen!

Film Poster

Friday, December 11, 2009


...of sorta Philadelphia this weekend, celebrating Hanukkah, no, I'm not Jewish, thanks for asking, but some friends are and so this girl here named me packed up her bags, including the big one that Tyra Banks told me not to carry and then later gave me, left the big city and went to a medium sized city to learn and partake in the festival of lights.

And what a fest! We started the evening with veggie reubens made with those sweet ass smoked tempeh fakin' bacon strips, moved on to baking sugar cookies and completed the evening watching old Pee Wee Herman, Peter Paul & Mary and Stevie Nicks videos. It was a real night of Reubens. Thank you, I'll be here all weekend. I opened my Hanukkah gift -- THE STRANGERS WITH CANDY TRAPPER KEEPER!!! -- and we watched about 8 episodes while sipping tea in front of the fireplace.

God, I wish I was Jewish. These people know how to live!

I was in a movie a few weeks ago created by Victor Varnado and a bunch of other friends. In the movie, I played a mentally challenged drug dealer's assistant (Myka Fox). You can't imagine the research I had to do to accurately portray the role. (Side note: After the film, I rushed to be in the Miss G Train competition, which I got kicked out of in the first round with a success story about how I saved my money and moved out of Brooklyn and how now I ride the F train and I'm relieved because the G train sucks, and I was wearing the retard assistant coke dealer's costume and I looked like an uber idiot.) Anyway, the movie trailer is up and ready, see it here. I'm not in the trailer, but you may recognize some other faces, such as Micah Sherman and Eliza Skinner.

In other news, I found out yesterday from a Keith and The Girl listener that the song I wrote and played at my Charmin "Enjoy The Go" Times Square bathroom entertainer audition is now up and live, being played for passing pissers and poopers who happen in to utilize the fancy cans. I had 2 call backs and they didn't end up hiring me, but they liked my song, and now you can like it too, as you're "heaving and straining" in the Times Square crappers, or you can save the $4.50 round trip it would cost you to take the subway and just watch it here on the front page of the Charmin Enjoy The Go website. If you want to go see it live and in person, I don't blame you. I think the #1 and #2 trains go there, heh heh.

I was also thinking I might head up there next week, linger around the lavatory with my ukulele and suck up a little attention as I get spotted by relieved patrons, post pee pee.

OK, gonna go face plant onto the king coils of my guest bed.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009


Charmin didn't hire me to be a toilet entertainer, but they sure had no problem lifting
my jingle to play in their poop house!

from a listener of my friends podcast, "KEITH AND THE GIRL":

Hi Keith and Chemda,
I went to that Charmin giant bathroom center in Times Square today and
I saw the girl who was on your show with the pink ukulele when i was
peeing. She was singing on the tv in the bathroom. It was fun.


Can you believe it!? I'm not sure what it means that they saw me on the TV in the bathroom, but I visited the website and right on the front page is an audition video, featuring a segment of yours truly's audition. I'm guessing this is the video they play in the Times Square terlet.
But where they play just snippets of other people's songs, they play almost my ENTIRE song.

AS USUAL -- regular readers of my blog have seen me write this before, I don't know when these companies are
going to catch on and start hiring me to write unforgettable, brain attaching jingles that just won't let go, something
I can do IN MY SLEEP -- I will just wait for my royalty check to come once this song becomes a commercial
but, it'll probably get lost in the mail. I mean, seriously. They pay advertising companies hundreds of thousands to
come up with songs and commercials and ideas and they could pay me a fraction of the cost and I'd be happy, and
everyone would love the songs I'd write. It's a no brainer.

Hey Charmin, buy that song! I can write more like it, too. Or hire me to come to Times Square and play my ukulele. You obviously like my work. Email me at and let's talk BIZ.

So I got this strange email today from this lady who said that I do a lot of great work to
encourage small business, which, thanks for noticing, is true. I do support indie everything,
from businesses to shows to crafts to what have you.

She also sent me a mocking cute video of an omnipotent "Big Business" thanking me for
all my support, for without me, they couldn't dump poison in the waters and what have
you. This is true too, except that in some cases we don't have a choice but to support
big business, or at least, not an easy choice.

I would post the video here, but I couldn't find a way to embed it onto my blog. If there
was one, it wasn't clear how I could do it. I'm a child of the 70s and the internet and
technology are still kind of foreign and wild to me.

NOTE: The expression "turkey" came from when the pilgrims got off the Mayflower and
saw the first turkey on land. They called it a "turkey" because it was so unusual looking
and weird they said it looked like something they would see in a far off, crazy country,
such as Turkey.

So yes, the internet and technology are like "turkey" to me. In some ways.

Anyway, as always, support independent businesses. For the holidays and birthdays, buy gifts at indie craft
fairs. You'd be shocked and amazed at some of the terrific crafts that people make by
hand, and indie shops and craft fairs are popping up everywhere. A few great examples are below:


GORGEOUS decorated tiles and cards by Janet Restino -- these images do not do these pieces justice

For the bike rider in your life -- VERY COOL indie made HELMETS

Beautiful hand made Jewelry by Sarah Sparkles

Beautiful hand made gloves by Lamia Designs (note: most of these gloves are made of leather - I'm not a huge leather fan, but I am a huge Lamia fan)

Orchard Street's Ale Et Ange is the coolest store I've ever seen -- all the clothing, men and ladies, is made by hand. These clothes range on the more expensive side $200+ for a shirt or pair of pants) but are amazing and worth it.

SkitsNTits (I had to put this shameless plug in here) -- This show, which tonight at 10 PM celebrates it's 1 year anniversary, boasts comedy, burlesque, drink specials, sketches, videos, gift bags and more for a mere $5. Top THAT, comedy clubs. Oh, and TONITE, we will be showcasing several very unique handmade crafts on the roving craft brigade "CRAFTERMATH" table. So come pick up some indie gifts tonight!

OK that's it for now. In a nut shell, support small and local businesses WHENEVER POSSIBLE. Buying locally also reduces your carbon footprint because bigger business ships all their wares in from far, far away.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009


It's nice every once in a while to sit back and pout. Now that that's over with, I'm back with some cool updates. I actually have a lot of stuff to write about today.

SKITS'N'TITS, the show I co-produce with Diane O'Debra and Steph Sabelli is having its 1 year anniversary and holiday bash tomorrow, Wed. Dec 9th at 10 PM. We're being sponsored by Kong Magazine so there will be free gift bags with special contents. Listen to me -- LADIES -- you want to get there early to get your hands on one of these gift bags!

The show, as always, is at 308 Bowery at 1st St.

This month, featured guests include: comedy by Des Bishop, Victor Varnado, Liam McEneaney, Ross Hyzer, Nicky Sunshine, Milton Katz, Mike Amato and others, music by Juggernut at midnite, sketches and videos by the Skits Chicks, Diane, Steph and myself, burlesque by The ChiChiones and Julie Atlas Muz and Minnie Tonka. Craftermath punk craft brigade will be selling their alternative material wares. Uncle Shappy hosts. Stage managed by Daniella LaBocca. All for FIVE dolla. TOMORROW WED DEC 9. Be there!

Risk Show Podcast

Kevin Allison of "The State" sketch show has a great pod cast / stage show called "RISK" which has comedians telling stories of depravity and amusement for your benefit. I recently told a story on the "AWFUL JOBS" episode (the most recent episode) about how I go-go danced my way through college, and how it all went down. You can download RISK on I-tunes FOR FREE. You can also check out the website here at

F. Scott Schafer is an amazing, amazing man and photographer. Don't believe me? Check out his supa killa website featuring tons of celeb comedians, movie stars, athletes and more. Check out "Portfolio Lite" to see gorgeous pix of Larry David, Flight Of The Concords, Mike Myers, Sarah Silverman and many more in amazing photos -- some you've seen, and some you've never seen before.

I bring this up because I was honored to be shot by him recently in a very cool little video he filmed for a band called "Lucero".
You can see the video here on Vimeo. See if you can spot me playing my flying V pink ukulele!

Last night we had a video crew reunion and we all went to Mercury Lounge to catch this really cool band called Jeff The Brotherhood who opened up for Ted Leo the other night (who I was on the bill with at the Latitude Festival this past summer). They were amazing! I strongly suggest catching this bro duo in the act. One plays drums like a mad muppet, the other plays a 3 stringed guitar like Black Sabbath. They're pretty great.

And in closing, a story of adventure. On Sunday, I was thrilled to be part of the Roger & Dave's 2nd Annual Complete Beatles on Ukulele. It was so much fun. It was at Brooklyn Bowl, which is a bowling alley / rock club. I really like that place, I'd never been there before. I hosted the show from 6-8 and had some awesome run-ins, one was with an ex-lead singer of Tower of Power - Brent Carter, and ex-Blender editor Rob Tannenbaum (who once wrote about me that I was "the Joan Baez of vagina songs" ). It was pretty awesome to meet both of them, as they both represent some interesting times in my life.

Brent Carter, ex-Tower of Power singer

Of course these photos are super dark because I took them with my fancy I-phone which, for some reason, though it cost $300, didn't come with a flash on the phone (though my old Samsung phone which cost about $50 did) but don't get me started...!

Rob Tannenbaum, ex-editor of Blender

(it was a real night of exes)

The show was amazing. I especially enjoyed meeting and seeing Jessie Murphy In The Woods, below. They were terrific!

(isn't that stage amazing? and how about the ladies on it?)

Anyway, now for the adventure part. I grabbed a slice of pizza before I hopped on the L at Bedford, then the train came right away and I didn't have time to eat it and I didn't want to be that gross person mowwing down on a greasy slice on the subway. I was GOING to transfer to the F, but I was so excited to eat the pizza that I hopped off at 1st St, and then realized I had to get a bus on Ave A if I wanted to get home. Jeez. So I went to the bus stop and waited, delightfully eating my pizza as I walked (it was soooo good). But I realized the next bus wasn't coming for half an hour, and I could walk home in that time. So I walked down Ave A and pizza'd myself, along the way. As I meandered, I saw a $10 bill floating in the breeze and I got very excited, because I LOVE free money. Also, by the way, I have a gift -- a knack if you will, for finding free money. I ALWAYS find cash on the street, always, all the time. But that's an entry for another time.

So I bent down to pick it up, and when I did, I saw a really nice (probably expensive too) red Prada wallet lying right next to it. So I picked up the wallet and started pawing through it to find ID, credit cards and $50 more cash, in addition to the tenner. PLUS a BLANK CHECK. I knew whoever lost this wallet was really gonna want it back. As I walked, it was reallllly cold, and I still had a ways to go. I thought about my options. I had just found $10 and a wallet fulla cash on the ground. I considered taking the $10 I found and getting a taxi home. I mean, after all, the ten was on the ground, not in the wallet. And perhaps it'd be a nice reward for doing the right thing and returning the wallet. But my conscience kept me from doing that. A few moments after I'd made my decision not to um, borrow $10 for a taxi, I found myself standing directly in front of a bus stop and the bus was pulling up, OFF SCHEDULE, like a magic reward bus sent from God. I got on the bus and used my transfer, taking me almost to my door step for free.

While on the bus, I typed the wallet gal's name into FB to see if it came up. It did! So I sent her a message and told her I found her wallet. She came and got it, and all is right in the world again. She even gave me a reward for returning her wallet, which was really sweet of her to do. I almost felt guilty accepting a reward, because I was just doing the right thing. But after a tiny bit of resistance, I just let her. Because I'm nice. So I want people to be happy. And if rewarding me brings people joy, then so be it. That's how I roll. And that brings my adventure to a close. The end.

OK that's all for now, hope to see ya tomorrow night at Bowery Poetry Club, 308 Bowery, 10 PM!!

Monday, December 7, 2009


Things have always happened to me early. I lost my virginity when I was 14. That's kinda early. I ran away from home when I was 15 and never came back, which is kinda early to bust out forevs.

Now I'm just fresh into my 30s and feelin' all like, woah, man, shit, is this all there is? And by "this", I guess I mostly mean writing dingy jingles for a living? I love what I do but let's face it, I'm not living the life I always dreamed. I'm paying my bills, sure, but who isn't, while simultaneously wishing there was more?

I spent the summer pretty cool-like -- I toured the UK in huge festivals alongside Janeane Garofalo, Doug Stanhope. Faith No More, The Yeah Yeah Yeahs, The Pretenders, Grace Jones and tons of others who probably didn't even see me perform or remember my name. Nothing to complain about there. But I have to say it was a drag to return home to the US to where no one really cares. Why should they? They've got Lady Gaga and Beyonce to be in love with. They've got the top pop hits to dance to, why jam out to songs about committing suicide to the song your ex-bf wrote about you, or eating tons of shit as a stoner on Thanksgiving?

Looking back on the way I've spent the last 8 years of my life, I feel kind of like a successful loser. I guess that's not the worst thing in the world -- or is it?

Anyway, happy Tuesday. Or is it Monday? I don't even know any more.

Friday, December 4, 2009

Oh, by the way, I lost the Miss G Train Competition...

I was knocked out in the first round. I tried to win the crowd over with a success story about how I moved out of Greenpoint and didn't ever have to ride the G train anymore, but they weren't really havin' it.

But I did get a little bit of press out of the deal. Here's an NY Post piece, which uses nearly my
entire submission entry (it's true, I did get eliminated in the first round).

Here they mention me again in the Greenpoint News.

Here's a Village Voice slideshow where I look psychotic -- I filmed a movie with Victor Varnado and crew all day the day of the competition, and literally raced from the shoot to the Miss G Train competition without even being able to get my outfit or anything I had planned to wear in the contest. I was stuck wearing the outfit I wore in the movie, which was that of a really idiotic drug dealer's assistant named Dunce.

My Lower East Side lease runs out at the end of December, and I'm considering moving back to Brooklyn. So, perhaps next year I'll return to the Miss G Train competition and win 'em back.

All the finalists, only one of them, me.