Thursday, April 12, 2012

How (Not) To Give A Great BJ

Recently, I was...ya know...blowing...sucking...what's the scientific term for fellatio? Well, whatever it is, I had much of my boyfriend's penis in my mouth. It can be a pretty intimate time, as we all know, and a sensitive time, where you can broach certain topics that you just may not be able to find the right time for, say, during other times where less saliva is involved.

Incidentally, this is also a great time to ask for things -- favors, cable, puppies -- whatever.

During this moment, a thought crossed my mind. I'd never asked my boyfriend how he liked his bjs. I'd asked him how he liked his eggs (unfertilized), how he liked to be kissed (only by beautiful women), even how he'd like it if I told him to get lost, but never, "Hey, any special requests regarding my tongue around your man regions?"

There are a few reasons why this is, but mostly just one main one: I don't mean to brag, but I've always been told I give great bjs. There's no trickery, magic or rocket science involved. I use lots of saliva and just do a perfect impression of the chicks in porno movies. They all seem to know what they're doing. Why mess with a tried and true formula? No one has ever complained, or asked for anything different, so I assumed all was well. But in this moment, it occurred to me, hey, why not ask.

So, I removed my boyfriend's penis from my mouth, and said, "Hey, what do you like in a bj?" My boyfriend seemed kind of amused, and stammered for a second, as if to answer my question by not answering at all -- "I like you not to stop", I realize in hindsight, is probably what he was thinking. But at the time, I was oblivious, so I continued on. "How about this," I said. "What if I just show you a few different techniques, and you can tell me which one you like the best?" He smiled and agreed to be my scientific bj experiment.

But at that instant, I couldn't help myself. The timing was just too perfect. So I said, "OK, this first one is called the lazy sailor," and before I could illustrate, we both fell into a laughing fit so drawn out and furious, we collapsed in hysterics and he lost his boner. I didn't even get to illustrate the lazy sailor or any of my other bj techniques.

However, I did learn something very important to add to my oral pleasure tips cache -- that making jokes during bjs is not a strategy that is likely to result in the successful completion of one.

Yet, I think deep down somewhere, I probably already knew that.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Big Dicks Are Big Business
-- the Vagina $ongs challenge --

I was listening to the comedy music station at, and it was pretty funny and rather entertaining. But after a little while, I started to make an interesting observation. Just about every other song was on the topic of dicks. Dick In A Box, I Have A Dick, My Big Old Dick, Where's My Dick?, Do You Like My Dick?, etc. There were a lot of statements, questions and inquiries about the infamous, age old topic of dick and other dickery.

Interestingly, I didn't hear any vagina songs. No Box In A Box, no I Have A Vagina, no My Big Old Vagina, no Where's My Vagina?, no Do You Like My Vagina? and certainly no My Pussy Is Magic, which was especially troublesome, since I sent it to Pandora awhile back and they said it was too dirty.

Now, peeps, this is not an angry feminist post about how I'm so pissed off that dicks rule the world and all that shit, because I thought the dick songs were hilarious. I enjoyed them immensely. And I understand what makes cock so great. I truly love it. I like big dicks, I like small dicks, freckled dicks, dicks with weird curves in them, dicks that I pretend are microphones, dicks that I pretend are stick shifts, dicks that smell like pizza, old dicks (they were once young and firm), whatever. Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses of dick. I love them all.

But COME THE FUCK ON, man. WHO doesn't love vaginas, I mean, besides lesbians? Wars are fought over them. Bar fights are fought over them. People act crazy as well as non-chalant over them. People spend a month's salary or more to be the proud or shameful owner of one. They are the Jaguars of body parts. Perhaps that's why they are called pussies.

In the 60s/70s, we had the sexual revolution, where women discovered how great the dick is, but we never had a sexual revolution where men discover how great the vagina is. It's still so underground. Only the really cool guys love and support vaginas, and all the shit head guys are all, "Well, let's see here, liking vaginas makes you weak, and weakness means you are a homosexual, therefore, anyone who supports women is a homosexual, and I don't support women, because I am not a homosexual" and that's faulty math. It goes more like this: "I support women, because I'm confident in myself, and I like vaginas, because I'm confident in myself."

So then, why are there so many dick songs and not any vagina songs on Pandora, etc? Because people who sell things don't know / aren't sure that there is money to be made on songs about vaginas. But there is, because anything that exists can be a money maker. Cases in point: the Shamwow, the Slinky, the Everlasting Gob Stopper, the dildo, jacks, Snooki.

So let's make some money -- and here's how.

I dare Hot 97, or any radio station, or Comedy Central or HBO or any major mainstream music or comedy source to take the Vagina $ongs Challenge: Put "My Pussy Is Magic" on the air and let's see what happens. If it becomes a success, whoever had the balls / vagina to play the song will share the benefit$. If everyone revolts or alternatively, does nothing at all, I'll stop writing songs about vaginas. Forever! You'll never hear another vagina song by me, ever again. You can even beep out the "pussy" part, fine. We all know it's there.

Just like the vagina itself. You can pretend it doesn't exist, and we can wear pants, but everyone knows it's down there, somewhere near the butt.