Tuesday, December 31, 2002

It's been a while since I've written my last blog, with it being the holiday season and all, I've been very lazy.

I'm not a huge fan of the holidays. I say 'the holidays' like I'm referring to a fancy part of Long Island where rich people hang out all summer and take all the good parking spots at the beach with their antique volvos and saabs to show they've still got good old fashioned values. But what I'm actually referring to is Christmas and New Year's, in case you thought I meant Hannukah or Kwanza or Happy Present Day or whatever other ethnic holiday you might have confused 'the holidays' for. I mean, the holidays aren't the worst thing I've ever smelled, but I've never been one for celebrating other people's birthdays. It's not that I am not happy to celebrate the life of a friend, it's just that I never know what to get people. So I usually just end up getting them nothing. This works fine on my own birthday, where I give myself no presents. But it is annoying to my friends and loved ones, I'm sure. Or I make them something, which normally you might find to be cute but lately the things I've been making have gotten more slackful. I don't think that's a word, but let's go with it. Last year I made my sister a pair of binoculars out of two green bean cans.

It is late now, very very late on the eve of the New Year, and I am still awake, a little bit drunk from the evening before the eve of the new year which has now turned to New Year's eve morn. I don't know what to do with myself. I've been considering going to sleep but that would be too insincere. I don't care about sleeping. Why pretend I do?

So I wrote a list of my new year's resolutions. This year - I resolve to:
1. Find out what it 'really' means to be from Maine.
I'm from Maine. I drink Poland Spring water. Poland Spring 'claims' that is what it means to be from Maine. Yet, I don't buy it. There's something else I need to know. This year, I'm gonna find out, even if it means I have to go camping and technically, I'm probably too old to go on any more camping trips because every one knows that a camping trip is just an excuse to eat psychadelic mushrooms, and I've eaten so many. No more camping trips for me after I #1.

2. Eat more things that begin with the letter R.
I realized recently, there are so many things that begin with the letter R that I NEVER eat that sound so delicious. Rhubarb pie, radishes, raisins, rotwursts, the list goes on and on. Well, the last three don't seem so appetizing, but I bet if you put them into a pie, they'd be pretty damn tasty. I'm going to change my #2 resolution to: Make more pies out of foods that begin with the letter R.

3. Categorize my shoes by color more better often.
Right now, all my shoes are just thrown around my closet and apartment like so many goofy retarded children. This is not only not right, it's not fair to me or my shoes. THIS is the year when I am going to separate my shoes from the pile of shoes they usually play in, and pair them, and arrange them by color, more, better, often. The time is now! I'm getting older. I have to keep that in mind.

4. Start reading more porn.
I watch plenty of porn. But I bet the book versions are even better than the movies. I bet there's a lot of stuff the movies left out because they couldn't put it into words or fit it into the demanding time frame of a cinematic experience. Plus, I see more and more Mexicans every day reading porn on the train. If it's good enough for them, it's new year's resolution #4 for me.

5. Definitely lose weight, and if I can't do that, I'll try to lose some height.
I try to exercise but rarely do, I eat right a lot, several times a day, diet, maintain solid eating disorders, read vanity magazines, compare myself to models and actresses, stress over my clothes being too tight, compare myself to friends, compare my ass to strange womens' and gay mens' asses on the streets, wear tight fitting clothes to seem skinnier than I am, rarely go out in the daylight, do all the fashion tricks like wear a lot of black horizontal stripes to appear slim, starve myself, eat those low-fat chips with the stuff in them that makes you immediately shit them out, eat lots of them, especially after a big meal, eat low carbs, high proteins, low fat, high vegetable, low calorie, high nutritional, never ever ever look in mirrors because I am sick of replacing mirrors I have freaked out on, never stand on scales because it makes my personality take an immediate nosedive and do every thing else I have been trained to do by myself since I decided, for no apparent reason, one day long ago, when I was six, that I was fat. But I just stay the same FUCKING size. So this year, if I don't lose weight, I'm chopping off my feet to the shins. That'll definitely lighten the load by a good twenty pounds. In this day and age, I can cut off my feet, have them replaced by super light weight prosthetics and be up in time to go jogging the next day. So why not? People are getting their stomachs stapled shut! How about getting their mouths stapled shut! On to:

6. Get a fish, I think. One that eats people. While they're sleeping. In another state.
I don't know if there is a creature like this that exists, but I dreamed about something like that once, and if there is some wonderful fish like this, my #6 resolution will be to find it and keep it. There are a lot of people who live in other states (you know who you are) who deserve to get eaten by a fish while they're sleeping in the other state they live in. So, I'll make good use of it for awhile, then one day forget to feed it, watch it float for a few days, then eat it. Is that technically cannibalism? Who cares?

7. Make more friends, faster, without trying harder, easier, more often by using some kind of machine.
My mother always used to tell me, if you have two good friends, you are very lucky. I am so lucky. I've got like twelveteen. And I could probably use a lot more. So I'm going to try to come up with a machine that makes me make more friends, faster, without trying harder, easier, more often. This should be the easiest resolution on my list.

8. Replace my watch band with some yarn or one of those really thick rubber bands. That'd be original.
I'm never doing original things enough. I guess this resolution should really be, try to be more original. I'm always copying the newest pop star. Last week I totally copied Linda Rondstat by wearing rollerskates and five days ago I smoked crack like Whitney Houston. On the birthday of milord! So, maybe I'll just try to be more original. I'm gonna get a monkey to answer my phone from now on. Who else has a monkey who answers their phone? No one. Not even the president.

9. Make a commitment to my country to be more into my country and stick by it this time.
No more God Bless Puerto Rico or God Bless France stickers on my bumper. And the old stickers are coming off.

10. Try very hard to meet a man who's face is mashed up like hamburger meat and love him for the great man or artist that he is.
This one is self explanatory. I'm sick of loving beautiful men with no soul!

Some of these are going to be harder than others. Pray for me.

And bless you all! Every one! Except for anyone who doesn't like me. You should be seeing my fish soon.

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