Tuesday, January 14, 2003

(How) I Got Off My Ass And Got On Drugs (Again)

I went through a very dark period of my life where I quit smoking marijuana. I don’t like to talk about it or really even think about it, but it was my life. It happened to me.

Every day of not being stoned was like a different day over and over again for me. There I’d be, just sitting, watching tv, eating a whole entire bag of donuts with one hand and a whole entire bag of popcorn or peanuts with the other, when I realized, you know what? I’m not stoned and I’m still engaging in the munchies like I never stopped smoking pot. I’ve got all the food and none of the buzz. I don’t like this feeling. It made me feel like I was truly on my way to being fat without any reason behind it. I didn’t want to be one of those fat people. I wanted to know exactly how it had happened. I wanted to be able to blame it on marijuana.

What is the most important thing in my life, I asked myself, hypothetically, not exactly expecting myself to answer out loud back to me. But strangely, I did answer myself. And this is what I said. “Marijuana, and comedy. Comedy is the most important thing to me. I love it. I like to make people laugh. I like to make myself laugh at myself making people laugh. There are many levels to it. It runs very deep. It’s sort of interesting, and at the same time not, really. Marijuana is the thing that makes comedy not feel so depressing and also makes eating for four fun.”

What I said really affected me. I was like, “Hey, wait a minute, me. You’ve got some really good insight here. But here you are, sitting on the couch, stuffing your face and not prioritizing. You know what is important to you, yet you are not doing that thing.”

And I had me. It was totally true. I should have been out doing comedy, my lips fresh off a fat doobie. So I called up my friend who is always quick to try to push a joint down my lungs. I said, “Hey. What are you doing?” And he was like, “Nothing.” And I was like, “I was wondering if you know any spots tonight?” And he was like, “Why don’t you come over and we’ll smoke this J, then we’ll go do a spot?” And I was like, “I don’t smoke weed.” And he was like, “It makes comedy fun and not depressing. Those are your words, you know.” And I was like, “I’ll be right over.”

I arrived with a bag of chips as an offering, because I don’t know how to pick wine out the right way. I gave him the chips. He was standing on a ladder, packing a fourteen foot bong. He was scooping the marijuana out of a cat litter bag with a pair of salad tongs. He looked at me like I’d just walked in on him wacking his bag off. And in a way, I felt like I had. I was like, “Um…I thought we were gonna smoke a J or whatever.” He was like, “Well, I have a lot of weed and you don’t smoke, so I figured I’d just make you help me smoke a lot of it.” So, smoke is what we did. I climbed up on top of that bong, and I huffed, and I puffed, and I fell over.

When I woke up, three days had passed. I was in a room in a house I’d never been in before. There was a lady named Fannie who was yelling at some dirty faced kids. There was also an older guy eating ice cream out of the container with a fork. I knew I had made the right decision to start smoking marijuana again. I think it was a Tuesday, because I had no idea what day it was, and that is usually the day I come around in the week and say, oh, yeah, it’s a new week.

So, I hope you’ve all learned something here. 1) Smoking marijuana kills the pain of following your dreams. 2) Smoking marijuana gives you multiple excuses to be able to do things that seem to be stupid ideas to others who are more organized in life. 3) I can’t not smoke weed because it’s not fun to not be stoned.

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