JOB SEARCH SELF-SABOTAGE
by Jessica Delfino
Reply to: firstname.lastname@example.org
Date: 2003-08-13, 11:07PM
need 1 bartendress, 2 waitresses, and bus person
this will be for sunday night (aug 31), labor day weekend at a private home in easthampton, ny. hours will be 6:00PM to 3:00AM. crowd will be high end, trendy, 20's to 40's, professional and trust fund group. i will be able to provide transportation sunday afternoon to easthampton but will not be able to provide return transportation. however, there is a guest cabin dorm style set up located on the estate grounds that you can stay in sunday night and enjoy the hamptons on monday. computation of pay will include two hour commute from manhattan and one hour depart. so that would be 4:00PM to 4:00AM (12 hours) and i expect most of the work will be between 8:30PM and 1:00AM. the rest of the time will be spent just milling around or doing minor errands like moving chairs, fixing glasses, etc..I will pay $30/hr for waitresses and if i am happy with the results, i will jack that up to $45/hr. I will pay $40/hr for the bartendress and if happy will jack it up to $55. bus person will assist an inhouse staff with cleaning and overall errands - pay is $20 an hour. pay is on the spot, no waiting for a check here. references will be checked and so i will need these. attire will be supplied (pink checkered mini skirt, white blouse, and pink bow/ribbon) for the waitresses and bartendress but you will have to bring your own shoes (preferably 2 inch or more heels - keep in mind that you will be standing on these for many hours). pls send a photo - because of the importance of "image" with this crowd i will give priority to attractiveness, sorry - its a shallow crowd.
I just wanted to write to you and tell you what a load of horse shit you craigs list ad is. Though you're offering to pay a lot for the job, this is what I have to say about it:
1) First of all, this job is going to suck for whoever gets it. Standing in heels for hours while too cool for school jack asses who are oblivious to the fact that their idiots suck eachothers' dongs and tell eachother how great they think they are when they all actually suck and having to clean up after a group of people who have been cleaned up after their whole lives so they make an extra mess on purpose because they have no respect for anyone and extra little respect for hired help, well, refer again to the first line of article "1." You can guise this job as a bunch of fun for a ton of dough, but you couldn't pay enough money for this job to be fun.
2) High End? Trendy? Trust Fund? These words do not go together. As a matter of fact, they equate to weiner, if you ask anyone except another weiner.
3) If you're happy you'll jack it up? You can already tell, you won't be happy. You've probably never been happy in your life. You won't even be able to have fun at your own party, because you're going to be running around, worrying about the hired help and telling them to do dumb errands that aren't included in the job description, like load the dishwasher or run to your car and grab a book out that you want to show someone.
4) Pay better be on the spot - you talk a big game. I've never seen someone jerk themselves off so hard in my life.
5) References checked? For a job slinging drinks and running errands? You are the biggest tool I've never met. Who are you, Donald Trump? You probably are some shitty celebrity.
6) Pink checkered mini skirt, white blouse, pink bow/ribbon? I bet you either hired a gay dude to pick that outfit out or you decided to try your hand at throwing together a little haute couture because your mom or aunt was a model or whatever and you always had a creative flair to you. Face it, you're gay. BTW, I know for a fact, you're either a closet gay dude or an awful rich chic with the personality of a tranny. There's no way you're as cool as an actual drag queen.
7) Image - Importance of: You are an enormous piece of shit. You give priority to attractiveness based on the crowd being shallow? Let me rewrite that line for you:
"I am a huge tool. In an unrelated sentence, I am only hiring really pretty girls because I might want to try to either bang one of you or a dick faced friend of mine might. Either way, I'm renting you for the night, like a hooker, so you might as well be hot, like a hooker, like a hot hooker, that is. By the way, I am shallow and I am using the group of friends I hang out with as a facade for why I have to hire someone pretty. In addition, my friends are shallow assholes also, but I'm the biggest loser of them all."
That about sums it up, ass for face. So, thanks for your time, pretzel dick. I hope I get the job. I charge $100 per hour, door to door limo service, and none of this cabin shit, I want my own room. And no photo, you get me as is. But for the record, I'm super hot.