GREAT NUTS - A Sketch About Nuts
by Jessica Delfino
MOM
Honey, hand me that can of beans.
SON
This one, mom?
MOM
Yes.
Son hands the beans
MOM
These are my favorite kinds of beans. They’re perfectly small and round. They remind me of your little nuts when you were a baby.
SON
MOM!
MOM
Shhh. I made those nuts. I can talk about them!
SON
It’s just embarrassing!
MOM
Don’t be embarrassed! You come from a long line of ancestors with great nuts.
Your father has a great set of nuts.
SON
MOM!
MOM
Honey, stop making a scene. We both know what I’m talking about. You’ve seen your father’s nuts before.
SON
They are pretty perfect.
MOM
And so are yours…
SON
They’re okay, but they’re not as great as dad’s nuts.
Dad comes in. He’s wearing a preacher uniform.
DAD
What are you guys doing?
MOM
We’re just making dinner and talking about family nuts.
DAD
Oh, the family nuts? Yes, we’ve got great nuts in this family. Perfect nuts. I have great nuts, your grandfather had great nuts, and my grandfather had great nuts.
SON
It’s just sort of weird talking with you and mom about nuts.
Mom and Dad look at each other and laugh at the son
DAD
Well, it would be weird if we didn’t have perfect nuts, but we do. So, what’s weird about that?
MOM
Yeah, what’s weird about that?
SON
Nothing, I guess.
DAD
Nothing is right!
MOM
Or more like nut-thing!
Mom and Dad laugh together. At this point, everyone sits at the table and prepares to eat.
DAD
Come here, you two. We’re a great family, and we wouldn’t have this wonderful family if it weren’t for the blessed nuts we got. The lord works in mysterious ways.
MOM
We should pray.
DAD
That’s a great idea, Mom.
DAD
Let’s all bow our heads in prayer.
Everyone bows their heads
DAD
Dear lord, we thank you for life, we thank you for food, we thank you for the great nuts that you have bestowed upon myself and my son.
SON
Yeah, thanks, lord!
DAD
And thank you for the best nut handler in the world!
MOM
Stop it!
DAD
No, you stop it!
Mom and Dad laugh and share a long, dirty stare.
DAD
In the lords name we pray, amen.
MOM
That was a great prayer.
SON
Yeah, that was.
MOM
Honey, where’d you get this funky get up?
DAD
I bought it at a yard sale down the street. It fits perfectly!
MOM
Isn’t that something!
DAD
I thought I’d wear it for Halloween!
MOM
That’s a great idea!
(to son)
Your father has such a great sense of humor!
DAD
Yes, I do! But not when it comes to this family’s nuts!
SON
Dad?
DAD
Yeah, son?
SON
Do you think the lord has good nuts?
DAD
Son, I bet the lord has perfect, perfect nuts.
MOM
Let’s eat!
1 comment:
Maybe it's just me -- but I thought the nuts thing was pretty darn good -- old pun made fun by the wacky mom and dad -- (good talent would make those laughs and dirty looks the highlight of the sketch)
Of course, if I were the badass head writer, I would probably tell you "Not bad, Delfino, but give me something with balls . . . "
Mike D
mdiccicco@gmail.com
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