Friday, October 3, 2003

Job Search Self-Sabotage
by Jessica Delfino

I sent this letter to the NY Press because I all of a sudden had an emotional cramp thinking about how the editor, Jeff Koyen, asked me to write for the paper, but then when I sent him the story that he'd asked me to write, he not only didn't use the story, but he didn't pay me for it and never printed it and never e-mailed or talked to me ever again.

The story was about elderly rape, and it was a nice story. Here is the letter I wrote for him, asking him if I could write something else. (FYI - I sent about 30 very nice e-mails asking if I could write something else.)

Mon, 29 Sep 2003 10:26:39 -0700 (PDT)
Subject: Is it true? Are you an asshole?

Hi Jeff

I wrote to you a long time ago and sent you a story about raping the elderly. You never wrote back to me. I either misunderstood the assignment, or you really are a huge asshole like everyone says, but I think it's time you give me another assignment and let me have a go at it.

Christopher Brodeur said to tell you that I'm better than most of your writers.

Also, Wil Wheaton, actor and famous blogger linked his blog to mine. He called my blog the funniest blog he ever read. It now gets a few hundred hits a day and I'm selling cds like crazy.

My point is, you should just let me write for your damn paper the way I should have been writing for it for about 8 months now. Just return an email once in a while, and let's get this shit rolling. I sent you a list of twenty good story ideas before, but now here is one more: I want to write about the flugtag event for Red Bull or for the Playboy Sale at Christies. Either that, or I'd like to interview you and write an article about whether you actually are an asshole or not.


I didn't get a response from Jeff. But I did get a phone call from Alex, second in command at NY Press, abou half an hour after I sent the e-mail. He hired me to write an article about the elderly in NYC (if I could just figure out how to slip the topic of rape in there it would be perfect de ja voux)
and so that is good news. Sometimes self-sabotage actually works.

To show my appreciation, I went to the NY Press party last night with a bunch of friends where we ate and drank a few hundred dollars each worth of food and alcoholic beverages, and smoked marijuana one at a time, under the table, (which was covered by a big table cloth.) It was a great trick, it really held the smell of the pot in, and no one had any idea what was going on. I recommend it for any boring party or banquet style gathering such as a wedding or political shindig where you'd like to be able to smoke pot indoors, underneath your table.

Important Tips To Remember When Smoking Pot Underneath A Table At A Boring Party Or Banquet Style Gathering (if you don't want to get busted):

1. Make sure the bowl, piece, or what have you is packed in advance and you are equipped with a lighter.

2. While one person is smoking under the table, the rest of the people sitting at the table should not be looking around like they are keeping look out, they should be laughing and drinking and pretending that no one is under any tables smoking anything.

3. The person who goes under the table should go down and come up swiftly, and not hesitate or pull up the table cloth and wait for a few minutes, then announce, "Well, I guess I'm gonna go down now" and then wait a few more minutes, and then announce it again, and then go down.

4. The people sitting at the table should hold the table still so the person going down or coming up doesn't knock all the shit over on the table if they are clumsy.

5. The person who is smoking has to go all the way under the table, and not just stick their head under the table while their ass is still sitting in the seat. This attracts unwanted attention and also creates a way for the marijuana smoke to escape, encouraging a bust.

6. It is unadvisable to light the table cloth on fire, accidental or otherwise.

Best of Luck.

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