YOUR SATURDAY NIGHT PLANS
I am going to be performing at Deep Dish Cabaret this Saturday night. The show starts at 10 PM. You should all go to the show. It's one of the best shows in NYC. Don't be gay.
I am going to get drunk tonight. About once a week, I've been trying to do this. It's been working out really well. I usually set plans to do lots of weekly things. I try to arrange to work out once or twice a week, I set a goal of starving myself skinny once weekly, then also break it at least once a week by eating (I am weak, only human) I try to do nice things for people if I can daily, (the other day someone dropped a book and I picked it up for her. I was so proud of myself I spent the entire contents of my savings account on chewing tobacco and Alka-Seltzer, and I don't plan to share any of it with anyone.
I have a lot of liquor options. I could do the cheap red wine thing which I love to do, I could do vodka and cranberry which is tasty and pink, I could drink rum and diet vanilla coke which is gross but it's okay and has less calories, I could drink milk and coffee brandy which is what all the trailor people used to drink who I grew up with, it's good but heavy and never gets me that drunk because I can't drink it quickly enough, I could drink whiskey which is good because I can drink it straight and it really fucks me up, I could drink tequila which is not only tasty but for some reason gives me a really good drunk buzz and I never vomit.
Looking over the list, I now think that I am going to go the cheap gross route and just drink I Wild Irish Rose. It tastes like candy-flavored sewer water with just enough perfume added to be consumable enough to make you go homeless. I think it costs like 50 cents a bottle (which is where the rap artist of the same name got his handle) Just kidding, fitty!
The reason I am going to drink Wild Irish Rose tonight is unclear. Once I make up my mind about something, I usually stick to it, even if it hurts me, even if it really hurts me and makes me vomit until I lactate. I wonder if any woman has ever used her own breast milk to create a White Russian? If so, I wonder who, if anyone, holds the Guinness Book of World Records for drinking the most White Russians made with breast milk? I would like to meet him. You know it's a guy.
So, off I go to the liquor store to fill my black trench coat pockets with the smooth, ergonomical bottle. If I only had a shred of dignity, I might not do this to myself. But as a talented artist and prolific musician and writer, I feel not only obligated, but compelled.
My mind is made up.