Christmas Bump and Grind
by Jessica Delfino
This story is not about how much I hate Christmas or getting laid on Christmas or anything like that. It's much more dyer and sincere.
I have been noticing lately that more and more people are just crashing into me when they walk. Just because it's Christmas doesn't mean it's okay for everyone to slam into me when they are sauntering down the street. I try not to take it personally, but I can't help but wonder - if I was 6 feet 5' 300 pound black man, would people still be jabbing me as they pass by? The answer is a probable no. Unless they themselves were a 6 feet 5' 300 pound black man.
Is it that hard to look around and know how far away the person near you to your right or left is and not smack into them with elbows or hips or purses or shopping bags or shoulders? Every time I go outside I am getting checked by strangers. And what did I do to deserve it? I'll tell you what - nothing. NOTHING!
I think it might have something to do with the fact that everyone is out in full force, shopping and what not and everyone is anxious to hurry up and get done shopping and then hurry up and get home. But for the love of Christ, after all, it is his birthday, don't bump into me, fuckers.
Sometimes I accidently bump into random people. I am usually never walking anywhere without carrying a guitar and a purse, sometimes also a bag of clothes that I have purchased at the Stuyvesant Thrift Store on 2nd Ave near 88th Street or a baggie with a soda and a buttered bagel in it or what have me. But when I do, I usually turn around and say, "Oh, sorry," or "Didn't see you there," or "What the fuck are you gonna do about it, bitch?" That's what you call manners. Ever heard of 'em, fuck wads?
In short, I'm only ever so slightly guilty of doing that myself. But I usually don't do it. If someone rams into me for some reason it always pisses me off. I want to turn around to them and scream, "Hey, fucker! Did you not see me here? I'm 5'9", dammit! I'm pretty, too! I'm tall and pretty, fuck head!" Maybe that is why I get checked so much. People don't like to see tall pretty girls walking uninterrupted. But I'm pretty in a way that makes me not intimidating to people. I'm pretty in a way where men think they could get some easily and women think I'd steal their boyfriends because I look like I might be insecure. I don't know if that's true or not, I'm just um...hypothesizing.
I usually don't scream. Instead, I just scowl. Scowl, and sometimes frown. Frown, and sometimes get bitter. Then, I see someone who is small and susceptible to a jabbing, preferably someone who is old and crippled and whammo! They don't even know what hit them!
Is that fair? How many old cripply-bears do I have to take down on the streets before New York gets it? Respect eachother's personal space and keep your fucking elbows down when you are walking around - if not to boost your own levels of goodwill towards your fellow man or woman, for the sake of people who are smaller and weaker than I.
Consider this a public fucking service announcement, assholes. Thank you and God bless.