Wednesday, March 17, 2004

Oh, yeah, and that.

Monday night at the Bowery Poetry Club, during Show N' Tell, the O'Debra's weekly open mic (which I am always at), Kurt Metzger, my ex, showed up and we ran into eachother. I was surprised to see him, and he me, I think, and we hadn't seen eachother for awhile, so we were in good spirits and very cordial to eachother. We went next door to our friend's new bar and had a drink. I told him I had to go uptown to David's to grab something, so he even offered to treat for a cab uptown and back - very nice of him, also very unusual - he's usually flat ass broke. I accepted, seeing he owes me a few thou and got me an eviction ruling, barring me from ever being able to rent an apartment in NY in my name again. So, we jumped into a cab and sped uptown, chatting affectionately about old times, both of us just north of pretty wasted. I went in, got my stuff and came back out. When I got back into the taxi, Kurt kissed me. I pulled away from him, sort of dazed, got my bearings, and wiped my lips. He protested about me pulling away and wiping my lips. I didn't say much until we got back downtown to BPC. I said I was going to go inside and watch my friend Adira, and I'd be back out in a few minutes.

I went inside and watched Adira and Ann's set, but Kurt kept calling my cellphone asking if I was coming back out. I said I'd go get a piece of pizza with him because I didn't want him to come in and make any kind of scene with Christopher, so I went outside and we started walking to the pizza place. He tried to kiss me again and I pulled away, saying I didn't want to kiss him. He asked why, I told him because I had a boyfriend, didn't like him anymore, etc. He got very pissed at my loyalty to Christopher/my rejection of him for his own selfish reasons, and said he was going to go and beat Christopher up. I tried to talk him out of it, but then seeing how that didn't really work, decided to try reverse psychology and sarcasm, saying, "Oh, well, this I'd like to see."

He turned around, ran back to BPC, giving me the finger over his shoulder as he ran and disappeared into the night. I had stupid gold shoes on and it was hard for me to keep up with him, but I noticed as I got closer to BPC, he was standing at the door waiting for me. "I want you to see this," he said, and went inside. He looked around, but couldn't find Christopher because he doesn't really know what he looks like. So, he kept asking people, "Who's Christopher?" To everyone he asked, I'd say, "Oh, this is my ex-fiance. He came here to beat up Christopher." So, no one would tell him who he was. I finally decided, though it would give away his whereabouts, to go over to Christopher and tell him that Kurt was here and wanted to beat him up, just so he would know not to come into the back or anything like that. He was sitting in the front and I assumed that would discourage Kurt from coming over to him, as he wouldn't want to disrupt the show or make too much of a scene. Well, I was wrong. When I went over to talk to Christopher, he gave me a big, wet, sloppy kiss. I glanced back, hoping Kurt wasn't watching, but he was. He came stomping over and started patting Chris on the back really hard, pulling on his pony tail (like a pussy) and saying, "Oh, come outside for a minute. I want to talk to you outside about something." Christopher resisted because he was watching the show, didn't want to go outside with Kurt, etc., and so Kurt tossed his bass guitar off the table. Christopher got pissed and complained about it not being his guitar, and the show started to get disrupted, so thankfully, Diane came over and (I love her) grabbed Kurt, exclaiming, "It's his time." (Referring to the guy on stage.)

I stayed inside and Kurt called my cellphone, yelling at me, "Bla, blappity blap." I think he said something about how next time he saw Christopher on the street he was going to murder him with his bare hands. He's so lame. Christopher and I chuckled over the ordeal together. "I thought he was going to punch me at least, or something," he said. "What a pussy." Kurt called back a minute later and said, "Check Christopher's pants for a load," acting like he'd really scared the shit out of him or something. I tried to explain that Christopher gets beat up all the time and probably even enjoys it a little bit. Kurt tried to rebut, calling Christopher a pussy for not coming outside with him. I said, "You're both pussies," and hung up on him.

I had actually almost completely forgotten about it until I saw Kurt's posting on the comment board, and how upset he was that he didn't get a mention on my blog. Guys are SUCH fucking WEINERS. I wrote a brief reply, being busy and not wanting to spend much time thinking about it, and Kurt called me up, angry that I didn't reply more in depth. Then, he asked me if I didn't miss him more or something, and why didn't I miss him more, then, as he got increasingly more pissed at me for just being honest about the feelings I don't have for him anymore, he said that when he thinks of me, before he thinks of my face even, all he thinks about is how much he misses my ass and pussy. The thing that comes to my mind about that is how dogs love to sniff asses and pussies, and how in a lot of ways, Kurt is like an animal.

WAYS KURT IS LIKE AN ANIMAL (separate from the fact that we, humans, are all animals):

- He loves to eat meat, practically raw, lots of it, and devours it in a very animal like way.
- He thinks with his dick. His dick is the main motivation behind a lot of things he does.
- He gets mad, irrational, and has very little self control. Like Frankenstein.
- His favorite hobbies are sleeping, eating, shitting and fucking. He prefers not to leave the house whenever possible, instead preferring to watch tv, scratch his balls and get blow jobs from naive neighbor girls.
- He has a furry mono brow, similar to the mane of a lion. (which he shaves)
- His powers of reasoning and logic are disrupted by anger and narrow-mindedness.

I have tried to be friends with him, but he just won't let me. He's caught up in the past, maybe he feels stupid for being such a dipshit, or maybe he just really is a dipshit. I can't figure it out, I've already wasted six or so years thinking about it in depth. I have other, more important things to think about, like fixing my life since he fucked it up.


Either be friends with me and stop behaving like a childish dick hole, or just stay away from me. This is your LAST chance. You don't even deserve my friendship after how badly you've screwed me over. Do you need me to write out another story full of other shitty things you've done to me? Just accept that you blew it and now evaluate if being my friend is something that is important to you or not, then make up your mind and stick with it. You are being gay now. I'm giving you the chance to be the good friend to me now that you never were when we were dating. K? Take it or leave it.


My favorite type of relationship is one of serial monogamy. I enjoy being with ONE man for as long as I'm with that man, and as long as he treats me good (by being loyal, honest, affectionate, and every once in a while taking me out) we are on. Once someone starts stealing from me, lying to me, cheating on me, being disrespectful, etc., my desire to maintain serial monogamy for that person dissipates, leaving nothing but a smoking hole. I then feel no need to be loyal or remain in that relationship. I think this is fair. I think this is the way every relationship should be. If you want to date a woman and make her happy, these are the things you should do, if that woman is me or like me. I've broken it down into ten simple rules.

1. Don't fucking lie to her. (duh)
2. Don't steal her money, belongings. (duh)
3. Kiss her. Hug her. Fuck her. Every day, or as time permits, but shoot for every day.
4. I don't ever recommend going to bed angry.
5. Try to set basic guidelines early on - open relationships are bullshit. Try to stay away from them. Set boundaries of trust and stick to them.
6. Do not put yourself in compromising situations - for example, going out alone with a girl who you find incredibly sexy/attractive who feels the same way that you do. That's kind of stupid. (duh)
7. Buy her shit or take her out. Not every day. Shoot for once a week or more. You don't have to spend a lot of money on a girl or buy the stereotypical flowers/chocolate. If you see something that you think would make her smile (a sticker with her name on it, something that glows in the dark, I don't know....) buy it and give it to her. Don't make a big deal about it, just say, "Hey, I got you something. Isn't this cute?" I like to cook pancakes or french toast for Christopher on Sundays. I think it's sweet. He takes me to the movies all the time and always brings a bottle of vodka that we can drink in secret. That is endearing. Stealing money from a girl's bank account - NOT endearing.
8. Don't talk badly about her to other people. It makes you look like a jerk. Talk to eachother about your relationship. It benefits your relationship a lot more.
9. Don't be disrespectful. This is hard to define, but it might include doing any of the above. Cheating is definitely disrespectful, especially if you have established that you are not in an open relationship. It's not cool, or nice, and makes you look like an ass. Cheating includes kissing, fondling, fucking, massaging, being intimate with other girls.
10. Finally - for every thing you do in your relationship, it helps to bounce it off the golden rule - do unto others as you would expect others to do unto you. So, if it would hurt you if your girlfriend made out with some hot guy from work, talked to her girlfriends about your sexual problems or small penis, refused to hug, kiss, fuck you, stole money from you, lied to you, you can probably guess it would hurt her if you did the same. It's very fucking simple. Don't be a jerk.

Good luck, all.

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