Thursday, July 1, 2004


So, the reading was pretty fun. Everyone had roughly four minutes to wow the crowd with their literary genii (I insist that will be a word someday) and the collective group of readists were quite talented. I especially liked Elizabeth Spiegs reading.

I wrote something new just for the reading which is always chancey, you never know if something untested is going to work or not. But, I have had luck with the format I used, which I've featured before on my blog. I wrote two new "JOB SEARCH SELF SABOTAGES" where I look for jobs on Craigslist, because I know I need a job, but I don't want a job, so I write heinous letters to the employers assuring I will definitely not get hired.

Here are my two new JOB SEARCH SELF SABOTAGES.

Luxury Bodywork studio seeking beautiful ladies 21-30 established affluent clientle*** great management female owned perfect for students models and actresses
Great money $$$$$$$$ for interview call 646-733-6720 and ask for Cheryl

Please no phone calls about this job
Compensation 70-100 per hour

Dear Cheryl

My name is Ann. I am a lesbian and I really want this job. Well, I'm actually bi, but I do women only also. I think it would be so fun to give "massages" all day. I'm totally into married men. I bet they'd totally want me. But I'm a lesbian. But I might do a guy if I could find one who's dick didn't smell like grated parmesan cheese. I'm sorry! That's just what all men's dicks smell like to me.

Anyway, I think I'd be really good for this position. I'm a student - of sorts, I'm a student of life. I'm a model - a model citizen, that is, and I once acted in a short film about a girl who loses her faith in god when her cousin dies in a car crash, but then finds her faith again through a love affair with an older female hotel maintenance worker.

So, I was wondering - this is a prostitute job, right? That's the impression I got. If it isn't, I was wondering if you have any positions available that are? I'm flexible.



Busy event planner needs help in the studio. Duties include: keeping inventory, flower care and arrangements, packing and moving, errands, general upkeep and cleaning of space. Flexible hours, fun company, great opportunity. Looking for a self-starter with amazing organizational skills and a sunny disposition. Flower knowledge a plus!

$11 an hour
Part time job.

Dear Busy -

My name is Mary Lewis. I'm very interested in the position of helper of your event planning studio. I am very good at keeping inventory of things. I know about flower care, (like you water them, right?) And I can pack things and move them (I've got both arms! Ha ha!) I know how to do errands like go to the post office or buy pencils or nail polish remover or get a secret message from a person you might be having an affair with. I'll be honest, I don't love to clean, but I know how to do it. If you have a sponge and a bottle of some stuff that sprays, then I guess we're in business.

I'd also like to tell you, I'M a self starter with amazing organization skills and a sunny disposition. What is so interesting to me about this position is that you are practically saying, HEY MARY LEWIS! Will you come and work for me? Because I have every single skill you are seeking!

Also, I don't mean to make you feel bad or uncomfortable, but if you don't hire me for this job, I will become homeless and get thrown out on the streets. I'm about to get evicted from my apartment and I'm pregnant. And I have AIDS. I'm trying to save up enough money to leave the state because my boyfriend keeps trying to murder me.

Thank you very much for your time and consideration for this position.

Yours Truly,
Mary Lewis

***The audience seemed to enjoy my reading in all, but I noticed as I read the end of this letter aloud (which seemed so funny to me as I was writing it) the audience's dense laughter quickly turned to awws and I believe a few people even sharply inhaled air. I saved it though, with quick thinking and a "herpes on my vagina" joke. Here's three cheers to professionalism!***


I was there all day again today. Dr. Rosenthal's wife walked by and stopped dead in her tracks. "What did you say?" she said. "I am handing out literature about Dr. Rosenthal," I said. "Are you a patient of his?" She stared stunned behind her Gucci sunglasses and then blurted out, "He's my husband! This is not true!" With that, she stormed off, turning back every few feet to make sure I wasn't a figment of her imagination.

I felt kind of badly about that, his wife having to walk by and see us on the street. I can't wait until this job is over. David and Dr. Rosenthal are supposedly in negotiations now to settle this thing, but until then, I'm on the sidewalk handing out flyers. At the very least, the weather has been nice and Dr. Apa is hot.

I looked around nervously for Vincent this morning but he never showed up. Maybe he had a leg breaking appointment in Jersey or something.


There are some new photos in my pictures link of HAUNTED PUSSY from the roof patio concert party. They were taken by the Bunnybrains and emailed to me. If anyone else has pics of Haunted Pussy or the party, please send them to me at And, here's some fun news: HAUNTED PUSSY is going to be playing at CBGB's at 8 PM on Tuesday, July 13th. That should be fun, perverse and rockin'.

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