Friday, November 5, 2004

by Jessica Delfino

A few years ago, I accidentally met the dude who wrote the bumper sticker "Mean People Suck." His name was Paul S. Rosa, and he also wrote the book "Idiot Letters" which was a fun book of ridiculous letters to random companies and corporations, asking questions like, "In commercials, why don't they ever show a husband and wife who are happy when they find out the pregnancy test results are negative?" and "I eat at McDonald's three times a day. Is that bad for me?"

I don't know what he's up to now because we have lost touch, but last I knew, he was living in Colorado, making a decent living off the royalties (is that what they call it in bumper sticker terminology, too?) he received from selling Mean People Suck bumper stickers at Spencer's stores all across the nation.

I was reminded of this bumper sticker today when I went to drop off a CD at the local CD duplication service I use when making mass quantities of my Dirty Folk Rock CD and the like. I've used this service several times because they are nearby, affordable, quick and friendly - the four horsemen of any good business. I even sent the company information in to the bargain issue of Backstage Magazine. Well, the last time I went to the place, some new chick was working there. She was slow, not friendly, clunky and rude - the four horsemen of unemployment. I dealt with her and hoped that was the last time I was ever to see her again, but nay! Today, she was there again when I went in. She was again, stuffy, idiotic, oblivious and rude. I am forced to assume that she is on drugs or was brutalized for most of her childhood. I always hated that stupid bumper sticker, and I certainly wouldn't have put it on my car, but the words echo through out the empty cavern of my mind when I encounter a jerk.

This leads me to believe, maybe I can benefit from this whole experience. I met the asshole, I was brought back to my memories of the bumper sticker, and also refreshed of the story that Paul told me. He said that it was actually pretty easy to sell bumper stickers to Spencer's and told me how to do it. I am going to pitch them a new line of bumper stickers, along with some fun crap inventions I've both created and pocketed over the years.

Ideas like:

Toilet paper with Osama Bin Laden and George Bush on it! Whoops, that's already been done.

I mean, a "trick" toaster that when you put bread in, it catches on fire instead, scaring the person who is supposed to be eating the toast!!! Wait, too dangerous.

How about a bowling ball that actually weighs 150 pounds! What a funny joke to see a pro-bowler pull his back out while attempting to show off in front of his teammates!

No, for reals, though, how about a real life sized Barbie Doll you can fuck? Hmmm..., seems like a guaranteed Mattel lawsuit. Is bad press always good press?

Why not a pair of glasses that if you are partially blind or visually impaired, when you look through them, you can see everything in perfect vision? Seems too easy.

I give up.

Maybe I'll just stick with buying other people's gag gifts.

Here are some bumper sticker ideas:

Mean People REALLY Suck.
Baby on. Bored.
God is my pilot light.
Don't like my driving? Call my boss and see what happens. (Hint: He won't care.)Here is his number: 917-376-9882.
MADD - Mothers Are Drunk Driving
What would Jesus do? (pronounced hay-sooce)
My other car is just as big of a piece of shit as this one.
I don't have an "other" car.
My other car is on cinder blocks.
My other car is my house.
(Wow, I'm really rollin' with these other car ones!)
I owe, I owe, so I'm off to rob a bank.
BarPigCourtdate (This is subtle - it's a take off of the fahrfeignuggit bumper stickers of old. It means, at the bar, got pulled over, court date in my future). I guess if you have to explain it...

I think that at least one of those stickers should be a big seller. Then, I'll take all the money I make from the sales and I'll purchase forgiveness of the hag at my CD rep store, and I'll buy her some hapiness. If you've learned anything from reading this, I'd like it to be that you now know who wrote the Mean People Suck sticker, or that I am amusing.

So, in the eternal words of one Mr. Jerry Springer - "Be kind to yourselves - and eachother." Or something like that.

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