Saturday, December 4, 2004


So, celebrities are pretty cool. They ride around in fancy chauffered cars and eat dainty chocolates served on lace doilies for lunch. They wear special clothes reserved for rich people, made from the finest, rarest animals and fabrics on the planet. They drink the expensive sodas, the ones that are like $3 a bottle, and here I am choking down a diet Sprite. Gross.

Celebrities are our royalty. I'm surprised they don't wear crowns and carry diamond encrusted royalty poles. But almost every celebrity I've ever met in person has been a wiener, bar perhaps Sarah Silverman and Laura Kightlinger, and a few other comedians. (But don't get all excited, I've met plenty of comedian celebrities [and un-celebrity comedians] who are super dickholes.)

Even though the rich can buy friends and people to entertain them, they aren't beyond being charmed. And who better to do the job than me? I've decided to take it upon myself to write ten different celebrities who I really do think I have a chance of getting a response from, and see if I can get them to write back to me. Every day, celebrities get fan mail and letters from girls who want their bods. I'm going to go one less. I'm going to see if I can get a celebrity to have tea. (Rich people LOVE tea.)

So, please help me out. Who should I write to? George Soros? Madonna? Who is a playful, unique celebrity who I might be able to get to respond to a letter that I write to them?

I'll even go one more here - I'll post the list of people on my website, and if YOU can get one of those people to respond to you, I'll give you a special book of poems and jokes that I made by hand. Take the celebrity provokation challenge!

**Maybe I should say what inspired this idea: My boyfriend loves to write letters. He considers himself a champion provocateur. Well, I think I can do better. He wastes his time writing letters to female bass players of small-time once-quasi popular bands (who are now shift supervisors at alternative record stores and the like) to see if he can get them to respond. (He calls it a "social experiment". He is so nifty!) I know what you guys are thinking, you're thinking he's just trying to get them into bed, but you're wrong! He really, really likes me a lot. He's never told me he loves me, but I bet he does. Plus, in the letters he writes, he always tells the girls that he has a beautiful girlfriend who he worships (ME!!!) even when he asks them to send photos of their breasts to him. (He just wants to have photos of their breasts so that when they get old, he can show them how beautiful their breasts used to be. Isn't he sweet? That is so selfless! He'd NEVER cheat on me. He's turned down HUNDREDS of the most BEAUTIFUL GIRLS in the WORLD who were BEGGING him for his cock!) It is this kind of selflessness and love of art that has inspired me to emulate him. I wish everyone could be this giving of themselves.**

So, let's see if we can make this happen.


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