TOO MANY UGLY BIKES IN NYC - SAD
by Jessica Delfino
When I was growing up, I had a really awesome pink bike. It had a banana seat with flowers on it in green and blue and yellow, and there were sparkles in silver througout, and the seat was made out of circa 80s jellyshoe plastic, all slippery and plastic-y smelling. (I know, cause I smelled it.) It had those plastic streamers coming out of the U-shaped handlebars hanging down in pink and white glorious strips and stripes. And it had a thumb bell.
But that was in Maine.
No one can have a nice bike in NYC. Sure, I see some hipster bikes here and there - an ornamental basket (nice try) or sometimes a banana seat on a rare occasion, but those people are probably rich and so they ride their bikes once a year in the Spring, hence they probably keep them stored in their safe, dry bike storage rooms in their rich people apartment buildings (that probably even have doormen - double bike protection!)
You can't keep a nice bike in NYC, because too many people steal them. I had a nice Diamondback bike - it was no sparkly joy, but it was a cool bike with an extra squishy seat that I'd splurged on, and it was a pretty shade of electric blue. Someone took the lock off and left it there for me, and I couldn't decide if the criminal was being compassionate or diabolical in leaving me this parting souvenir.
Maybe he was even being both.
I got a new nice bike, though. My friend Joe gave it to me. He bought a new one. I like it. So, it'll probably get stolen soon. Since I know this, it saves me a little bit, because the brakes are broken, but why pay to get them fixed? To possibly save my life? Eh, not worth it. I've got the Flinstone method down peter.
Bikes aren't cheap in NYC, either. They're like, $75 or more, USED. I saw a really worthless one for sale on the Upper East Side for $100. But, I guess rich people DO like to pay more for stuff.
If only the cop shop would dedicate a small branch of the NYPD just to recovering stolen bikes and keeping bikes from getting stolen, well, then I'd be able to ride just about any kind of bike I want - or more any bike I could afford, anyway.
I'd probably just keep the one I have.