I saw this listing yesterday...in my mind:
Emotionally overavailable white girl with enhanced ass seeks spiritually, emotionally and mentally mature person to entertain me 24/7. Ideally, you'll be funny in a way I like, rich and handsome (and a non-smoker) with a non-history of violence or incarceration. Preferrably, you will not be running for any political office and have no plans to do so in the future. Should have a spacious place to live, because I'll be moving in. Cats OK. You may have multiple lovers if you insist, but I should warn you that I have a knife and know how to use it. Should take me on improvised mini-adventures and road trips that don't necessarily have a destination. Should have regular hair, no blonde-spiky or half-mullets allowed. Must want to impregnate me and resume half of the responsibility for whatever the result is. Must be okay with spontaneous crying spells.
Any interested parties, please send me a telepathic or holographic message.