Monday, December 18, 2006

This blog entry brought to you by an old story Jessica Delfino wrote (creator of tonight's):

JESSICA DELFINO'S MERRY SHITMAS SHOW!
TONITE!
7:30 PM SHARP
$5
at Jimmy's, 43 E. 7th St. (2nd Ave / Bowery)

featuring: Dr. Steam Whipple, Touching You's own line of Christmas Cards, The Secular Voices of Heaven's Horizon, Jessica Delfino's brand of Christmas Cheer, A Visit from a Relative bearing gifts, Jollyship The Whiz-Bang, a bizarre bazaar and a banned video shown on the big screen.

A very short show - one hour in length, chock full of holiday hurray!

A brief, cozy tour to follow promptly:

Wed. Dec. 20th:
The Warehouse Next Door
Washington, DC
9 PM
$7

Thursday, Dec. 21st
305 South Durham
Durham, NC
8 PM
$5

And now...back to our sponsor:

(How) I Got Off My Ass And Got On Drugs (Again)
by Jessica Delfino

I went through a very dark period of my life where I quit smoking
marijuana. I don't like to talk about it or really even think about it, but it was
my life. It happened to me.

Every day of not being stoned was like a different day over and over
again for me. There I'd be, just sitting, watching tv, eating a whole entire
bag of donuts with one hand and a whole entire bag of popcorn or peanuts
with the other, when I realized, you know what? I'm not stoned and I'm still
engaging in the munchies like I never stopped smoking pot. I've got all
the food and none of the buzz. I don't like this feeling. It made me feel
like I was truly on my way to being fat without any reason behind it. I didn't
want to be one of those fat people. I wanted to know exactly how it had
happened. I wanted to be able to blame it on marijuana.

What is the most important thing in my life, I asked myself, hypothetically,
not exactly expecting myself to answer out loud back to me. But strangely, I
did answer myself. And this is what I said. "Marijuana, and comedy.
Comedy is the most important thing to me. I love it. I like to make people
laugh. I like to make myself laugh at myself making people laugh. There are many
levels to it. It runs very deep. It's sort of interesting, and at the
same time not, really. Marijuana is the thing that makes comedy not feel so
depressing and also makes eating for four fun."

What I said really affected me. I was like, "Hey, wait a minute, me.
You've got some really good insight here. But here you are, sitting on the
couch, stuffing your face and not prioritizing. You know what is important to
you, yet you are not doing that thing."

And I had me. It was totally true. I should have been out doing comedy,
my lips fresh off a fat doobie. So I called up my friend who is always
quick to try to push a joint down my lungs. I said, "Hey. What are you doing?"
And he was like, "Nothing." And I was like, "I was wondering if you know any
spots tonight?" And he was like, "Why don't you come over and we'll smoke
this J, then we'll go do a spot?" And I was like, "I don't smoke weed." And he
was like, "It makes comedy fun and not depressing. Those are your words,
you know." And I was like, "I'll be right over."

I arrived with a bag of chips as an offering, because I don't know how
to pick wine out the right way. I gave him the chips. He was standing on a
ladder, packing a fourteen foot bong. He was scooping the marijuana out
of a cat litter bag with a pair of salad tongs. He looked at me like I'd
just walked in on him wacking his bag off. And in a way, I felt like I had.
I was like, "Um...I thought we were gonna smoke a J or whatever." He was
like, "Well, I have a lot of weed and you don't smoke, so I figured I'd just
make you help me smoke a lot of it." So, smoke is what we did. I climbed up
on top of that bong, and I huffed, and I puffed, and I fell over.

When I woke up, three days had passed. I was in a room in a house I'd
never been in before. There was a lady named Fannie who was yelling at some
dirty faced kids. There was also an older guy eating ice cream out of the
container with a fork. I knew I had made the right decision to start
smoking marijuana again. I think it was a Tuesday, because I had no idea what
day it was, and that is usually the day I come around in the week and say, oh,
yeah, it's a new week.

So, I hope you've all learned something here.

1) Smoking marijuana kills the pain of following your dreams.
2) Smoking marijuana gives you multiple excuses to be able to do things that seem to be stupid ideas to others who are more organized in life.
3) I can't not smoke weed because it's not fun to not be stoned.

4 comments:

Jabes! said...

Ha! Eating ice cream with a fork. Ahhh, comedy gold!

Anonymous said...

I went to the party and nobody was there. some crappy party. It wasn't even a warehouse, it was some little hole in the wall. sucks. Thanks for misleading us and wasting a whole night on the subway.

Anonymous said...

God-damn, girl, I just viewed "My Pussy is Magic". Shit is out there. Here is my hybrid impression:
"Karen Finley-meets-Margaret Hamilton". You may need to smoke some dope and do some research to figure out the arcane cultural references. I thought Borat was to be the most fringe whacked-out thing I was to see this year, but "My Pussy is Magic" out shat Borat.

lopi said...

YEAH!! Smoke more weed!!!