Thursday, November 15, 2007


Hello out there beautiful, ugly world, you old juxtaposition, you.

It's been a while since I've diatribed, but then again, it's been awhile since I've done a lot of things. I'm writing today with some, um, "exciting!" news. In this issue you'll find info about Morgan Spurlock's new documentary, a sample sale in Tribeca, my new website, upcoming shows and MORE.

I'll start off with my loveable diatribe and move on to news items.


This is going to be a long one, because right now, I've got nothing to complain about. I don't know what happened. Maybe it's all the spirulina or the kombucha I've been drinking. Maybe it's the new Whole Foods grocery store located just blocks away from my lower east side residence, stocked with every kind of fancy natural remedy you can think of. I've been trying them all. ALL, I say. Sometimes I mix them together in a soup like concoction, not unlike the combo from the days of my youth, when I would lock myself in the bathroom and play scientist, where I mixed shampoo, perfume, bleach, ammonia and everything else I could find together into a cup, until my parents busted down the door and punched me in the ass repeatedly for putting myself in a potentially dangerous situation. Maybe it's the weekly therapy session I've been attending for about a year, now. What I'm trying to say is, I DON'T KNOW. But my mind is like one of those chocolate cadbury eggs that you unwrap and suck all that white shit out of, leaving just the hollow shell to slowly nibble on until your fingers are covered in a sticky, slimy residue that you then suck off of each finger. Then you shake someone's hand later, but your hands aren't really dirty any more, and even if they were, the person who's hand you shook wouldn't know that their palms were covered in your mouth goo, anyway.

This kind of relaxed mind-set is not good for my business. It's certainly not good for my diatribes. My diatribes are fueled by ANGER! POVERTY! DEPRESSION! Right now, I'm not feeling any of those things. Don't worry, THEY'LL BE BACK. As far as poverty is concerned, I'm not overnight rich or anything, but the buddhist website I've been reading has helped me to appreciate what I DO have, MAN.

I've also been collecting some new, interesting instruments which have made me feel pretty cheery. So, for the remainder of my diatribe, I'll just talk about my new instrumental acquisitions, which are important and relevant to my line of work, which is vagina ditties. I got a new flying V ukelele in Scotland which is the most beautiful little thing I've ever held. It's even prettier than a baby or a kitten, and much cleaner and just all around better. When I take it outside, people RUN up to me on the street, and I get scared because I think they are going to attack me, (I prepare by getting out my rape whistle and getting poised to play my anti-rape song) but then they just excitedly scream, "WHAT IS THAT THING?" and "WHERE DID YOU GET THAT?" and "IS THAT A FLYING V UKELELE?" and "OH MY GOD, CAN I SEE YOUR TINY GUITAR?" It has happened no less than ten times so far, and I can understand why. Every time I see it, I do that. On the buddhist website, it says you're not supposed to cherish physical belongings. But "f" that. Just looking at this thing makes me happy, ge-od de-amn it, and that's more than I can say about any of you shit for necks.

Also, recently, to get away from the hustle and bustle of love lost, I took a trip with dear, deary pal out into the outer world of ruralsville. There, my pal's parents treated me like a crimson queen, offering food and drink to me with a limitlessness reserved for royalty, celebrity, or politicy. I slept in a very firm bed (which I like) with about four comforters draped over me, like the princess and the pea, while a HARP watched guard over me while I dreamed about cupcakes and sugar factories. We spent the days walking and wiffling through the lovely wood, playing with an adorable puppy, tinkling the ivories, (a piano is a luxury that I don't have the space to afford) discussing new age themes, considering ways to get rich quick while we dined on ginger cookies, and otherwise engaged in a variety of assorted gluttonous uses of time.

As I was leaving, my parting gift was a Q-chord, an electronic auto-harp which was certainly invented by a direct ancestor of Stevie Nicks, or someone who comes from a long line of witches. It is a beautiful, magical instrument that makes me feel like a coven caretaker when I play it. I can't wait to write some filthy ballads on it to share with you all, once I learn how to play it. It is really the nicest gifty-gift (you know, besides like, love, or a heart-felt compliment) I think I've ever received, and if I had anything to diatribe about at all, the Q-chord removed any shred of it's existence from my life.

Unfortunately for you, I'm much funnier when I'm angry. But fortunately for you, my temper rages and my attitude is generally so bad that I am never happy for more than a few days or a week, at most. So, hopefully, when it's time for the next Diatribe to roll off my fingertips, I'll be hell-bent on tearing someone a brand new asshole.

Until next time,
Ms. Delfino's Diatribe

AND NOW, onto the greener pastures of the news. Let's start off with this little gem of a treat of a cupcake:


Morgan "Super Size Me" Spurlock's newest documentary is coming OUT this FRIDAY, and I don't mean in a gay way. I mean, in a Cinema Village way. The documentary, entitled, "What Would Jesus Buy?" stars Reverend Billy and the Church of Stop Shopping Choir as they travel across the USA to save the multitudes of thick, fat Americans from the commercialization of Christmas. I am very excited and proud to say that I wrote a few of the songs featured in this film. You can hear them during the Christmas Caroling scene in the movie, when the Stop Shopping Choir goes door to door singing lyrics that I penned! It's a terrific scene and very funny. I do encourage you all to go and see the film THIS FRIDAY, Nov. 16th.

There will be a special Q & A after the 7:05 and the 9:20 PM showings where Morgan Spurlock and Reverend Billy will be on hand to hand-resolve all your pressing concerns and inquiries.

Cinema Village
22 East 12th Street
New York, NY 10013

Visit the website:


Thank Cock It's Friday!

Cock Lorge is at it again with his raunchy musical party-time show at Piano's, feauring Seth Herzog, Dan Asselin, Georgia Haege, and myself, Jessica Delfino.

THIS FRIDAY, Nov. 16th
158 Ludlow Street
(at Stanton St.) NYC
7:30 PM

But that's not all. I've got lots of fun funny shows coming up. So don't miss this long list of wonderous times to come, as we kick off this collection of future shows with:


Saturday Nov. 17th
Ed Schmidt's Dumbolio Monthly Variety Show
with Ed Schmidt, Corey Dargel, Lisa Levy, N.Y. Footbag Allstars, Josh Max, Scott Korb
Powerhouse Arena
37 Main St.,
Dumbo, Brooklyn, NYC
8 PM
$20 tix at


My friend is having a sample sale at her snazzy Tribeca showroom featuring free wine and light snacks. The clothes she carries are from Denmark, and they are really beautiful -- they are the fittings of a princess-rock star, with fancy trimmings, yet they are also sleek and very hot. Many of her pieces are sold at Bergdorf Goodman and Barneys and are shown in Lucky Magazine. But here you can get them for cheapity cheap cheap, with some items (like the beautiful black cape-let I got) starting at $10, and of course, going up into the hundreds. All sizes.

Sineh d Designer Showroom
151 Hudson St. (corner of Hubert) Suite 3F
11 am - 6 pm

AND THIS MONDAY, another Brooklyn show:

Monday Nov. 19th
Jen Is Famous Comedy Show
Pete's Candy Store
Lorimer Street
Brooklyn, NY
7:30 PM

AND ON TUESDAY, see "MY PUSSY IS MAGIC" on the BIG SCREEN, with the Happy Corp's video ensemble:

Tuesday Nov. 20th
Jessica Delfino Is Magic
Anthology Film Archives
corner of 2nd St and 2nd Ave
more info:

SUPPORT BEN LERMAN'S new CD and "Ukelear Winter" tour!

I'll be joining him in some of the shows on the tour, such as Nashville and Pittsburgh. Yeahaahhhahhh.

HANG with the VAG CREW at Vaginapalooza!!!

as part of the upcoming Wonder Woman Week Festival, Dec. 11 - 16th:

Saturday December 15th
@ Center Stage 48 West 21st Street, 4th Floor, Buzzer #7
New York, NY 10010
9:30 PM

and see the full line-up for Wonder Woman Week in and more details

with Gina Vetro, Magin Schantz, Adira Amram, Dame Darcy & me, Jessica Delfino.


This is a show I booked while I was in London, when I played to a very gay crowd of 300 or so very gay men at a very gay club. Guess how I was dressed? In my RED SUIT, like the Santa Claus gay-looking bitch I wish I never was. Very gay, indeed. This show will be at the CSV for much of December and some of January, and features Taylor Mac, Julie Atlas Muz and a bunch of other studded, starred stars and studs. You can see me in the show on these dates:

Friday December 21st
Monday December 24th
Wednesday December 26th
Thursday December 27th
Friday December 28th
Saturday December 29th
Sunday December 30th
Monday December 31st

C'est Duckie
CSV (produced by PS122)
107 Suffolk Street between Rivington & Delancey
with Taylor Mac, Julie Atlas Muz and many more...

Come visit my spaces:


I never did get around to sending out my UK tour journal and photos, but if you really care, check my blog sometime, and it will be up there, one of these days. You can also see my Delfino's Diatribe in it's entirety there.

AND FINALLY, the last piece of exciting news in this diatribe:


Thanks very, very much to my wonderful friend and webmaster, Florent, from France, who made this website WITH HIS HANDS!!!

Get a monthly Diatribe!


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