Wednesday, November 4, 2009


Yeah, I said it. My cat f'in rocks. I have the coolest cat in the world. She plays fetch with these little stuffed mice, she walks around on hind legs, she does freelance tricks off the doors and walls that'd make skaters jealous, she catches flies in the air and devours them with the cutest face I've ever seen on a heartless killer, she hangs out with me in my lap and puts her little paws on the desk while I type (like she's working too), she sleeps in the bend of my knee and keeps me warm, she talks to me with this little whirrrr? sound all the time. She's the coolest.

A lot of people hate cats, or get freaked out by people who love cats, especially if those people are women. And I understand. Worship of anything adorable can be disconcerting to witness. Seeing two couples rubbing noses, for instance? Vomitorious. And for awhile I've tried to pretend like I'm not cat-a-riffic, but it's too impossible when you have a cat as awesome as my Ms. Puss.

I was at Seth Herzog's Sweet show last night at Slipper Room, and Julian McCullough was on stage talking about his cat. He did about 5 or so minutes on his cat and it was hilarious shit. I've wanted to involve Ms. Puss in my stand up for a long time but I thought it'd come off as crazy cat lady-esque. But to have a penis and do cat material -- what a blessing. It was magical. It was some of the funniest stuff I've heard, and some of the best cat material ever. He talked about how animal shelters should be open at 4 am, when people can't wait to make poor life decisions, and so on. Ya gotta see it. He was also talking about how his cat is named Pop Tarts. Not Pop Tart. Here's a sample of his stand up:

Julian McCullough Performs Stand-up - For more funny videos, click here

I filmed a little video of me singing my song, "Let's Legalize Drugs" a few months ago when Ms. Puss was just a kitten and she was running around like a psychotic maniac while I was trying to film the video. I put her in my room but she was crying and freaking out and I didn't want to have the video be filled with the sad meows of what sounded like an abused and tortured cat in the other room, so I figured, screw it, I'll just let her go psychotic while I film the video and I'll pretend I have no idea. It turned out pretty funny. Here's that video:

She also used to make special guest appearances in my "Jessica's Chest of Treasures" videos.

So last night at Sweet, a lady with a very tiny, very adorable dog in a bag showed up and the comics were all fawning over it. Some of us were crying tears of cuteness over it and others were disgusted. One comic was like, "That's bullshit, get a leash". My POV was that it makes sense to carry a puppy purse, because having a dog in a bag was like a little sack of approval. I wish I could carry my cat around with me. It's not only instantaneous attention to have a cute animal in a mesh purse, but you're never lonely. It's like the baby I'm too afraid / too much of a failure to have. Also, because Ms. Puss is so cool, I want to take her everywhere with me.

I saw a dude in midtown with a cat he carried around on his shoulder, and then it'd go on his head and balance. It was a really cool cat. The guy was a dick though. I tried to take a picture and he got all homeless on me.

And that's my morning cat chat. Ah, cats!

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