Thursday, December 16, 2010

What a fun show, and I like Union Hall, too. Not every venue is fun to perform in and not every venue treats performers nicely (free drinks, food discounts, good sound, competent & friendly staff) but Union Hall is definitely at the top of my BK venues list after tonight. Erzsi looked stunning in her gold halter skirt and everyone made me laugh.

If you missed the show, boooo on you, you are lazy or had something else going on. But here is a segment of my set: It's a few dieting tips to help you get into shape butt fast. Implement them or be fat.

  1. Buy a digital scale that measures points like 120.8 pounds and here is the fun part: weigh yourself every few minutes to see if you’ve gained or lost any weight. Write the number down on a piece of paper and carry it with you, charting your points of pounds over the course of the day.
  1. Tell people you are on a diet so that people know and can refrain from sharing their chocolate and cake with you. It’s not enough to simply say, “I’m on a diet”, you have to yell it out really loudly for everyone to hear, for example, at a restaurant or Bat Mitzvah. That way people can feel insecure about not being as healthy as you and you can feel like you’re taking control of your weight.
  1. Drink 8 gallons of water every day. Some people say to drink 8 glasses, but these people are total wooses. Not only will you gain weight just from lifting a gallon up to your mouth all the time, but you’ll be drinking so much water your stomach will break, and it’s hard to eat with a broken stomach, and it’s hard to gain weight if you can’t eat.
  1. Have a red flag weight: When you do the three items above, melting off virtually hundreds of pounds in only a matter of weeks, you will love your new thin self so much that you will want to stay thin forever. That is why you have to have a red flag – a weight that you pick that will set you into diet mode high alert. What’s your red flag weight? Mine is 96 pounds.
Visit Erzsi's Pongo or her fitness center by the same name located in Park Slope and ask her about getting your rotund rear into shape.

***Oh, and where can you see me next? Great question. Pop into Otto's Shrunken Head THIS SAT 6 pm - 10 pm and snag a few of my home-made tampon ornaments ($5) or demented holiday cards ($3). I may even sing a few songs for you (free).***

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