How I Consume
(In A Way That Is Not Unique Or Clever)
by Jessica Delfino
Fall is speedily approaching us, maybe it's even here, I don't keep up with dates, calendars are for Garfield fans, and I notice my desire to consume is intensifying. I guess it has something to do with the cold weather, but probably not, because I consumed all summer long, too. However, right this week, my cavewomanly instincts are silently, yet physically manifesting themselves in a real 'money in exchange for goods and services' kind of way, and I feel as though this is me, modernly storing my nuts for the winter, so to speak. I used to think I was an entirely unique being until I began just paying attention to people a little more closely, then I discovered that we are all actually replicas of one another, influenced by the same major record label bands, big three television programs, popular clothing brand trends and fizzy on-sale soft drink beverages. So, no, I'm not a special onesie. I'm just one parts special onesie and the rest of me is you and you and you and you, sir, in the back. Please stop doing that.
Interesting, or maybe not even, though we are so similar in so many ways, all made of stars, as Moby told me in a song, there are enough products on the planet that we can all have a large array of favorites and perhaps, that is the most unique thing about us - how we consume. Supply and demand. It's the awesomest. If it weren't super duper, big companies wouldn't spend billions of dollars a year implanting images and ideas into our lives and our heads and our sleep. I bet you a shiny dollar coin bill that in the year 2031, big businesses will find a way to broadcast advertising into our dreams. If you sleep with the tv on, they've already got you. Sucker.
Here are a few of my favorite ways to consume that are not unique or clever.
SECRET brand deodorant - Remember the commercials back in the 80's? (If you were born before 83 you might recall) Strong enough for a man - but PH balanced for a woman! I watched those commercials for years growing up. AND NOW.....I am using the shit every single freaking day. Coincidence? Yes. No. Who gives a clammy asshole? I use all the various scents, however, I prefer powder fresh flavor. It smells so good, I could eat it. I heard once that deodorant gives you alzheimers. I don't know if there is any merit to that or not, but if there is, please fuck off. Don't tell me about it, because I like to use it. Plus, when you're old your memory goes to take a shit and never returns anyway, so what's the big deal? Also - I have been using Secret for many years and though it does smell nice, it doesn't keep me from sweating like a fat greasy fatso. I always have sweat spots on my tee shirts. If you don't believe me, next time you see me, just come up and put your hand in my arm crevice. If it comes out dry, I'll freestyle you a poem. PS - Secret costs about $3.00. You can sometimes find it at Odd Jobs for less.
AU BON PAIN - I don't know french or what that means, but after 3:00 pm, they have a half price sale on all their baked goods. So, their coconut cranberry macaroons go from a buck fifty to .75. I don't condone pigging yourself into fatness, but I do condone coconut cranberry macaroons and discount baked goods.
ANY BOOK BY CHUCK PALAHNIUK - I really very much enjoyed "Survivor" the book about a guy who was in a death cult, but then when the death cult patrons all died he escaped dying in the death cult in a special way that you have to read the book to find out more about. It was especially interesting to me because my fiance grew up a Jehovah's Witness, and though he isn't one anymore, it gave me an interesting insight as to what life might have been like for him. Some people consider the J-Dubs to be a cult. I am not exactly sure, because I don't know a lot about the organization, but I do know that it was nothing like the cult in Survivor. The cult in Survivor was closer to say, Waco, Texas or Going Up Heaven's Chimney in Mr. Show. I think Survivor costs about $12.00, but I borrowed my sister's copy, so technically, I didn't consume here. But she did, and I will not let that be in vain.
Those are three things I consume. This has been How I Consume. Tune in to the next How I Consume to read about three more things I consume.
PS This is in no way an endorsement to any of these products. I strongly encourage you not to consume in the same way that I do. That is one of the things that makes me an individual, an American, and I won't let you take that away from me. So fuck off. Consume your own array of name brand shit. But please continue to read about the way that I consume, and thank you for your business.