Monday, May 26, 2003

What Memorial Day Means To Me
By Jessica Delfino

I notice it’s raining on Memorial Day – millions of tears falling for the millions of men who died or even just hurt their foot fighting for this country.

I could never set myself out to die fighting for anything and that makes me think about what I mean to the grand scheme. Could I? And what do I mean, anyway?

I think about it – there are a lot of things that are important to me. Candy. Certain programs on the television. Being able to chainsmoke marijuana cigarettes discreetly through a one hitter disguised as a tube of lipstick. But would I fight for these things? Would I put my life on the line, as they say, to maintain the ability to do them?

This day is to remember people who died fighting for something just as important as candy, and maybe even more so. You know what they died for. Come on, you know…..

I used to have a friend in Maine who pronounced freedom, “fweedom.”
“Dewe aw pepohl who died fighting foh aw fweedom.”
“There are people who died fighting for our freedom?”
“Dat’s what I said, “Fweedom. Be quiet, shhh.”

My friends planned a barbeque today, partially to remember freedom and stuff, but I have a feeling mostly to celebrate our right to eat hotdogs and chicken. One thing I can relate to most of all with every American holiday is the eating ritual. It makes holidays cooler.

My grandfather died a few days ago. Like many people’s peepaw’s, pop pops, grampoos, and ging gaws, he was a world war II veteran. He was also an intense atheist. When he died, we were informed that he was given a plot in the Florida war vet graveyard for he and his wife. My grandmother turned it down. He told her he didn’t want a funeral. It’s not that he didn’t care about his family, it’s just that he didn’t want god coming to the party. Even in the end, when the doctor who doubled as a priest, tried to have someone come and read my grandfather his last rites, my grampa told his doctor to get the hell out of his room and called him a bum. I think he learned that kind of behavior from his war buddies. He certainly picked up the smoking habit that led to Emphysema and did him in during wartime.

What does Memorial Day mean to me? It means I get a day off of work. It means I get to sleep in. It means I get to eat some tasty meats. Now, it means I miss my grandfather. But most of all, I guess it means I have the right to celebrate all these things. And that’s worth walking to the subway in the rain. I won’t even bring an umbrella, the least I can do is let those tears fall on me. No, I’ll probably bring an umbrella. But, thanks, guys. Thanks, grampa.

Saturday, May 24, 2003

Peter is a comedian/motivational speaker. He's come to talk to a group of people in Annendale, wherever that is.

You are so special! All of you have the capability to do huge things! Great things!
Yes, a question?

(he's deaf so he has a deaf accent)
Penor, how gdigyou ferst reanithze nyou were....

(interrupts Rimram)
uh...excuse me..., what kind of accent is that?

YI'm deav

Deaf? More like retarded! Hey! OK, now we're rolling!
You're so deaf, your voice sounds like you're really, really deaf!
Hey, so, you're deaf. Sorry to "hear" about that!
You know the good thing about making fun of deaf people?
They can't hear you! Is this thing on or are you just deaf?

Cut to an audience member who is crying.

Nwhy ore nyou doingn nthis?

What's wrong, deafie? Can't take the heat or are you just deaf?
You know what, sir? I like you? You're what the blacks would
call, "Deaf" know what I'm saying?

Cut to an older lady who clutches her chest and gasps.

Nwell, nyou're so ungfunny, th-th-tha-that nyou nyou...

(looks amazed)
Is that a stutter? A deaf guy with a stutter? Holy, shit, man,
you're a comic goldmine! You're a pre-written hack joke, waiting
to be unwrapped and presented to an audience of thankless
judgemental jews! Get outta here! And take your stutter with you,
you deaf freak!

Cut to an older man with a cane who is waving his cane in the air and
making outraged moaning sounds.

Hey now you just wait a minute! Don't make fun of that man! He
has learned to overcome a life-shattering disability! What kind of
motivational speaker are you?

One who doesn't waste his wisdom on people who have no hope!
Have you ever seen one deaf president? A deaf astronaut? How
about a deaf rap artist? NONE! You know why? Because deaf
people are lazy!

You are out of line, sir!

I think, no. Life is full of distractions
that can get in the way of your success. Don't let
deaf people ruin your life!

Yi'm nleaving gnow.

Good! Thank you for ruining my show! Read
my lips - you ruined my show!
(Peter does some sign language looking hand motions)

You just said, "I ate an asshole sandwich."


In sign language. That's what you just said. How
do you know sign language?

Peter is silent and looks a bit alarmed, like he's been busted.

Are you deaf? I asked you a question. How do you know sign language?
Are you deaf?


The audience goes insane with gasps and whispers.

(back to Peter)
Well, you should be ashamed of yourself. Picking on
that guy, and you're deaf yourself.

Tank, let's just call it all off. Come on up here!

Aw....alright, we had our fun!

Rimram goes up onstage.

Everyone, playing the role of Rimram, my best
friend who has 20/20 hearing - Tank!

Everyone sort of applauds, but is also confused. Rimram comes up onstage and
holds hands with Peter. They hold their hands up in the air together and bow. The
applause gets a little more intense. Peter steps back and puts his arms out palms
up towards Rimram as if to showcase him. Rimram bows. Rimram does it back to
Peter. Peter bashfully accepts the applause.

The End

Thursday, May 8, 2003

A Poem For You - Goodbye Believe Chicken

Thank you all for coming
to see my shows
My love for you all
Grows and Grows

This is the last Believe Chicken
and now I'm so sad
I wish it could have
lasted forever

Meatloaf won't be there
and neither will Madonna
and neither will Cher
But still, come if you wanna

Please excuse my sausage fingers
as I clumbsily type this poem
I'll keep all of you on my mind
where ever I may roam

The new show I'm doing
will be on Friday at 10:30
at 48th and 2nd
hosted by Kurty

It's called Funday Funny Funday
and should be good
Chelsea Peretti is on the bill
and there will also be food

and $3 beer will be there too
and lots of other fun stuff
Bobby Tisdale, Jon Corbett
and Travis Poston
will be there if things get rough

So come on down and check it out
You'll have a great old time
and say goodbye to Believe Chicken tonight
at Nightingale from 7 to 9