Thursday, January 8, 2004


OLDER BLOG FANS might remember the Believe Chicken e-mails I used to send out. I have decided that I am going to start sending out my e-mails again, even though I don't have a weekly show to promote. I have lots of other shows that could use promoting and some interesting things coming up. If you would like to be added to my weekly e-mail list, please send me an e-mail asking me to add your address. I am posting my e-mail that I sent out to my massive e-mail list on my blog as my entry for today, because you need to read it if you aren't on the mailing list yet but you are interested in shit that I've got coming up. It's not just about me, either, it's about other people and stuff, too. Some of it is a little bit redundant if you read my blog every day, but then again, some of it is not.

HAPPY READING, and get those quarters in.

Remember when I used to send you big long e-mails all the time?

Boy, those were the good old days. Back then, I was the co-host of a great weekly show called, "Believe Chicken." Though the show is gone and our lives have gone on, and many things have changed, one thing that has stayed the same is my massive, massive e-mail list.

If you know me, you know I love to write long, wordy e-mails to friends and strangers alike. If you don't know me, please make a note of the fact that I love to write long, wordy e-mails to friends and strangers alike.

I have a lot of good shows in the works and I want to write you all about it, but first, I am going to be doing a little spring cleaning of my e-mail list cuz it's kind of old. If you want to be taken off of this list, please e-mail me at and write the most obnoxious e-mail you can. It should say something like this, "Remove me from your e-mail list, I hate you," and my wish will be your command.

For those of you who love my e-mails, read on -

So MUCH stuff has happened in the past 6 months or so. Shit, I hardly know where to begin. My fiance and I broke up (the very talented and lazy Kurtus Metzger) and so that's that. So, if you know me and we haven't spoken for awhile, next time you see me, don't say, "So when's the big date?" Because we're having a hard time deciding on either Notember 57th or Neverember 36th. So, mark your calendars.

I have been updating my website almost daily with fun little blurbs and stories. Wil Wheaton (you might remember Wil Wheaton as the writer in Stand By Me or Wesley Crusher in Star Trek: The Next Generation, or the centerfold in Teen Beat I used to make out with until his face flaked off and the poster got ruined) linked my website to his and helped to make my website (almost) famous and read by blog nerds internationally. Super cool. Thanks, Wil! Thanks, Jesus!

What else, what else? I have been playing songs on stage even though I was warned by Jim Norton that if I ever brought a guitar on stage he would smash my face into a table. I play a genre of music which I like to believe I made up and certainly believe I coined the termage for, which is "Dirty Folk Rock." It is folk-like music with delightful songstressing and lovely melodies paired with dirty, filthy lyrics and dark song topics. (Some of my personal favorites are: "Someone Who Loves Me," a song I am singing to a hypothetical rapist as he is about to try to have his dirty way with me about how I was saving this rape for someone who loves me, as in my boyfriend or Edward Furlong, the current stars of my favorite rape fantasy scenarios, which by the way, include candles, wine and a bubble bath. I also really like "Sudden Change," a song about how women get their periods once a month and that's why we act bitchy sometimes, like you guys didn't know, but you pretend like you don't, so I laid it out for you. The lyrics say it all - "If you're ever feeling unsure about why your girlfriend is acting strange, and you don't understand what brought on the sudden cange - remember - once a month for a week, she BLEEDS from her VAGINA [for Christ's sake, you fuckers! So cut us some slack, dicks!]) I like playing songs on stage in addition to telling jokety jokes and have teamed up with the super-talented and blindingly handsome and charismatic Touching You (affiliated with The (Liquid) Tapedeck - read more about this super-delicious band at to create a wonderfully duper demo cd with several hot hot hits, a cover of "Run To The Hills" by Iron Maiden (first recorded for Touching You's "Songs of 9/11" CD) and a piggyback surprise track called, "Fuck The FCC" which is a classic Tapedeck masterpiece. My CD, entitled, "Dirty Folk Rock" sells for $5 and you can purchase it at one of my shows or on my website, I think you will enjoy it and whether you do or not, please email me at and tell me what you think of it.

(I put stars next to MANDATORY shows you HAVE to go to)

Sweet Paprika @ The Village Lantern
Bleecker bt. Thompson & Sullivan
Fri, Jan 9th at 8 PM
hosted by Alison Castillo and Ophira Eisenberg
I think it's free.

***Arlene's Grocery
95 Stanton St.
Tue, Jan 13th @ 8 PM
I'll be opening up for OH MY GOD! who go on at 9. I hear they are very good and The Telephones will be going on at 10 PM. Tickets to the show are $7.

Collective Unconscious
Ludlow bt Stanton & Rivington
Sat, Jan 17th @ 10 PM
I think it's $5 and last time there was free booze and candy
Lubka Bubkova hosts a great line-up of art stars.

Comic Strip
2nd Ave @ 82nd St.
Mon, Jan 19th
Show starts at 8:30 and I think
tickets are like $10 or something.

Rejection Show hosted by Jon Friedman
Wed, Jan 21
The Tank Theater @ 42nd bt 9th and 10th aves.
8 PM
The theme of this show is things that have
been rejected in one forum or another. I
will be doing some readings and perhaps
singing one song.

***Perverted Little Creep Book Release Party
Tue, Jan 27
7-10 PM
Triangulo (675 Hudson St. Buzzer 3N @14th St/9th Ave)
Should be lots of fun - Christopher Brodeur releases
his new (first) book that is mostly made up of compiled
anti-Giuliani essays and transcriptions of his battles with Giuliani
on Giuliani's weekly talk-radio show. It's a terrific book and
I strongly urge you to come, drink free liquor and purchase
a book. Live performances by Corn Mo, The O'Debra twins, ME and
other great guys and gals.

****One Woman Show (STILL UNNAMED)
@ UCB Theater
Mon, Feb 2nd on SPANK! @ 8 PM
Two half hour shows for the price of 1!!!
This is for the possibility of a longer-term run at UCB Theater.
I will be playing songs and doing funny sketches and there
will be some interesting surprises. The show hopefully will be
one of my better ones if all goes well within my brain.

All the other shows that aren't starred are going to be great
too, but I guess it's ridiculous to expect you to see every show
I am going to be in! Plus, the shows I've starred feature other
acts so you won't just be seeing me, but other very talented
performers as well.

Now, what else???

Hm...I told you to see my shows, told you about my cd, and told you to
go and visit my website Also, update your interest in this e-mail list, told you about how me and Kurt are through, what else, what else? My sister is coming to town tonight and I am very excited about that. She is hot and wants to be a model. If anyone can think of anything fun for us to do while she is here, please email me and let me know. Stuff that is free or cheap, preferably, I'm poor. (I know I spelled pref. wrong, and I don't even give. Is it two f's or two r's or both or neither?) If you or a friend would like to be added to this list, please email me at and tell me to add your shit. I will close off this massive letter with an excerpt from my website and finally, an old Believe Chicken e-mail. You used to love them so. This is kind of interesting: I have a friend who saved every single Believe Chicken e-mail and I will be compiling them into a book. I will probably sell them for cheap, less than $5, so if you want one, let me know.


Tuesday, January 06, 2004
A Joke out of the book, "1001 Unfunny Jesus Jokes"
by Jessica Delfino

(Note: For those of you who might not know, "1001 Unfunny Jesus Jokes" is a lesser known book in the bible which has been discontinued in most bibles and used to be located right next to Corinthains.)

Jesus walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. He says to the bartender, "I bet you $2000 you can't get my parrot to tell you it's name."

The bartender says, "Well, what's it's name?"

Jesus says, "Moses."

The bartender says, "I think you owe me $2000 dollars."

Jesus says, "The parrot didn't tell you it's name, I did."

The bartender says, "Oh. You got me. Would you like a drink?"

Jesus says, "Yes."

The bartender says, "What will you be having?"

Jesus says, "A Bloody Mary."

The bartender says, "Will that be a virgin bloody Mary?"

So Jesus says, "Are you calling my mother a whore?"

So the bartender says, "Jesus, no, Jesus."

So then Jesus says, "I am the son of God, God Dammit!"


It's the most chickenist time of the year. There are people getting ready for the day when Jesus was born, or the twelve days that people burn candles, or whatever holiday you celebrate, you silly!

Everyone is hanging chickens from the tree. They're lighting chickens on
fire. They're cutting up chickens and cooking them. They're eating
chickens dipped in mustard sauce. They're frying up chickens in grease.
Chicken, chicken, chicken.

Some people don't like to mix their holidays with Chicken. And some do.
I happen to be one of the ones who DOES. I just mix it up into a big
mayonnaise jar - chicken parts and milk, right to the brim, with a big dose of holidays. Then I screw the lid on good and tight. Then, I put the jar somewhere it won't be found - like the inside of a grate at work or in a hole I dug out in the box spring, between my parent's mattresses. Then, I go about my holiday cheer, and forget about the jar for weeks, maybe even months. Around my birthday, the milk and chicken sitting together have created a chemical reaction that eventually make the jar explode! This is a gift that keeps on giving, long after it's been given. Oh what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh!

Co Worker, Rob: What is that smell?
You: I don't know. It smells like, chicken-y, sort of.
Co Worker, Rob: No, I don't think that's chicken. I think it's a dead
You: No, Bob. I'm pretty sure it's chicken.
Co Worker, Rob: It's Rob.
You: Rob? That's what I said. Rob.
Co Worker, Rob: No, you said Bob. I distinctly heard you say, Bob.
My name is Rob.
You: Rob. Bob. I said Rob. I know what I said. I said Rob. And that
smell is chicken.
Co Worker, Rob: It's not chicken, dammit, it's something else! It's an
animal, dead in the wall, decaying! It's decaying as we speak! It's not
You: Maybe it's chicken decaying in the wall.
Co Worker, Rob: It's not chicken! What would chicken be doing decaying in
the wall? That doesn't even make any sense! How could chicken be in the
You: (long pause as you gain your composure, because you are trying HARD
not to laugh at this point) I don't know.


@ NIGHTINGALE - 13th Street and 2nd Ave (N,Q,R,W,4,5,6,L to Union Square)
Stewardesses of Comedy, delivering your jokes with a smile -
Jessica Delfino & Liz Laufer

Christian Finnegan (he rocked it on Shecky Eichman yesterday)
Ed Herro (I taught him how to dance)
Betsy Jay (Comedy Mom)
Sharif Corinaldi (First name reminds me of Sherriff)
Gilad Foss (a young Woody Harrelson)
Dane Hammack (visiting from out of town)
Rodney Laney (smells like very un-gay flowers)
Marybeth Murphy (had an interesting aliteration in her name)
Jimmy Sackel (taught me about the Staten Island Ferry, I'll forgive but
never forget)

And many special guests. I don't want to drop names but this show is so
good, Sarah Silverman said she wouldn't be able to make it!!! (overwhelmed
by the pressure)

OKAY! SO, pack up your lunch pails, give your sig o a kiss guh-bye and
trek on over to BELIEVE CHICKEN!!! Yay!!!

Be there. Believe Chicken.

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