COMMENT CRAZY TRAIN
Well, well, well. I have two cyber stalkers it seems that are acting out on my comment boards.
I will tell you all, Kurt is my ex-fiance. He is pissed at me because he says that I am cold to him. I am going to tell you all the story right now and put this to bed.
THE STORY OF KURT AND JESSICA from Jessica's Perspective
Kurt and I met in college. It was the closest thing I've ever come to love at first sight. When we met, I was dancing at Billy's Beef and Gogo. I was making over a grand a week, I was in college, I had my own little apartment and car, and I had about ten grand in the bank. I was doing pretty well. He moved in about six months after we met. His mom was paying his rent for a bit until he told her that he didn't want to be a Jehovah's Witness anymore. She pretty much stopped paying his rent and he got various jobs, working as a manager at FuncoLand and pursuing comedy while trying to finish up his associate degree in Computer Animation. He got really used to me making all kinds of money and I was very generous. I took us out to eat a lot and paid for everything. I bought groceries, paid rent, paid for bills, drinks when we went out, etc., etc. But we were very much in love and I didn't mind footing the bill for everything - I was making enough money for both of us.
So, before he told his mom that he didn't want to be a witness anymore, she said he shouldn't date me because I was worldly (a polite way of saying a slut, I guess) I got very upset. I couldn't imagine not being without Kurt, I was really in love with him. So, I told him that I would quit dancing and go with him to Jehovah's Witness church so that his mom would be happy and we could stay together. I was much younger and more naive at this point in my life, and I didn't know that I could have just broken up with him and everything would have been okay.
I quit dancing and started going to Jehovah's Witness church. It was not fun and Kurt didn't want to be a witness anymore, anyway, so we both quit going. I was totally super broke from not dancing anymore, and I got a shittyjob as a telemarketer or something where I making not even a third of what I'd been making dancing. I tried to get my old job dancing back, but at that point I was really sick of dancing, and I'd made up my mind I didn't want to do it anymore, and Billy and I were on the outs anyway from him firing me and me quitting and back and forth.
Kurt and I were still getting along okay, even with added stress in our relationship, but he really wasn't making any money, so the two of us were trying to squeak by on my pithy salary. He started to get really into comedy and then refused to work at all because he couldn't go to do shows late at night and then wake up early to go to work. Most of the days, he'd spend in front of the tv or playing video games, chain smoking. Finally, he even dropped out of college because he didn't see any point in finishing because he had made up his mind that he wanted to do comedy.
I graduated from college in September 2000 and got a pretty good job right out of school. I worked there for a bit and made decent money, meanwhile, Kurt was keeping the couch warm. I didn't mind too much that I was the only one making any money, because I was in love and thought that Kurt loved me, too, so money shouldn't matter if you're in love and all that shit.
About six months of the good job in, I got fired because I wasn't getting along with this one guy at my job and we were having full on shouting match fights. It was really weird and I hated being there and he hated having me around too, and it came down to who was more important at the company, and it was him. Things started getting really difficult for us financially, because Kurt wouldn't work. My landlady threatened to kick us out. I decided maybe I should start looking for a job in NYC because I wanted to be closer to the city so I could concentrate on being famous or whatever, and I soon got hired at a dot com making a pretty decent salary. I arranged to couch surf while I worked at my new job and I figured I could save up some money to get an apartment and Kurt could stay in NJ in my old apartment until I got everything set up in NYC for him. So, I paid the rent at my NJ apartment meanwhile working full time and sleeping on couches and one night, I even had to sleep at Penn Station. A few times, I slept at people's houses I barely knew, too. I carried everything in a backpack, then I'd go home on the weekends. I was usually kind of dirty because that kind of lifestyle is sort of dirty. It was not very pretty.
I moved in with the creator of the Comic Bible after a month or so of couch surfing, in exchange for working on her magazine. So, during the day I worked at my dot com job, then, I'd do comedy and write for the magazine at night. I set it up for Kurt to come and live with me at her apartment, too, and he did.
After about a month of both of us living there, she lost her mind and kicked us both out because she said that he was a total slob. She would leave us long lists of things to do or not do and he didn't ever do anything on the list. He said that we got kicked out because we two ladies didn't get along, but we got along fine until he moved in. She told me later that Kurt was a slob and that he took advantage of me. Then, she said she put a restraining order against me that I never received. I don't know what that whole thing was really all about. I don't know if that weirdness was all Kurt's fault, she might have just been crazy.
I had saved up some money from my job, so I set up an apartment share in Brooklyn. We moved there and lived there for about a year. The whole time, I worked and paid almost the whole rent, per usual. I bought all the groceries, I paid for us to do laundry, I bought Kurt metrocards and cigarettes, I paid for taxis, dinner out, everything. He refused to work because he said that he wasn't going to compromise his comedy career. So, I got stuck working while he watched tv and played video games. I was still in love with him very much and I think he was in love with me, too, but our relationship was being strained due to his laziness. He'd do comedy most every night and get piece work writing on this or that, but he'd usually spend a significant amount of any money he ever made on pot and cigarettes and video games and alcohol and painkillers, if he could find them.
Our roommates eventually had it with us struggling to make the rent (it was $1100 for the two of us for an 8x10 bedroom and I had to pay it all myself usually) and with Kurt being so lazy and such a slob, so we mutually agreed to not live together anymore and we got an apartment with our friend Jay and his new girlfriend, Carla. We lived there for awhile, same deal. Kurt didn't work too much. He did get a job writing for a tv show while we were there, but the money never went to what it needed to go to. He was a slob, he never washed his dishes and he and Jay would argue about him being a slob. He even stole money from Jay and Carla on a few occasions. It put stress on their friendship and on our relationship and eventually, our landlord asked Kurt to leave, which Kurt insists is not true, but he's just living in denial.
I am not trying to say that I was always perfect and never missed any rent payments but I always had my money and most of Kurt's share, and money to cover utilities, food, etc. I didn't bust my ass working 80 hours a week, either. I worked 30ish hours a week. I don't love working, but I realize it has to be done.
I had it with that whole set up and was feeling pretty defeated by Kurt's laziness and constant inconsideration for me and our roommates, so I got a live in nanny job on the upper east side and broke up with him. I lived there for the summer and started to date a new guy, and tried to get my life together. Things were going pretty well. I saved up a lot of money and got hired to write at MTV so I was nannying and working at MTV, I also got to live there for free so I had very few expenses. My new boyfriend was really nice, too. He was smart and stable and organized and sweet and handsome and he seemed to like me a lot, too. I kind of screwed him over, though, because I really was still in love with Kurt and I hadn't wanted to break up with Kurt, I was just kind of hoping he'd get his shit together and I thought if I broke up with him, maybe he would see that I was serious. I wasn't trying to use the other guy, I really did like him a lot, but it was hard because I was still in love with Kurt. Me and the other guy broke up, eventually, because it was too stressful for him and unfair and he knew I still loved Kurt. I got an apartment on the upper east side and Kurt moved in with me pretty soon thereafter. I thought it would be different. I thought we'd been through all the tough times and things were going to get better because Kurt knew I was serious now.
Kurt proposed to me and I accepted because I was happy to have him propose to me after six years of feeling like I was being used. I said to myself, "Well, he must really love me or he wouldn't want to marry me." I wore his ring for awhile (which he borrowed money from his mother to purchase for me) but then I realized that he wasn't changing. He spent his days sleeping until 1, 2, 3 pm, waking up, smoking pot and a pack of cigarettes (which I at this point refused to buy for him anymore). He'd play video games and watch tv all day long, then do stand up at night. I'd ask him to do me favors while I was at work all day like, could you call the electric company or do the dishes and he never did anything I'd ask him to do. He was making regular money doing stand up and contributing slightly with groceries and a few bucks here and there, but he wasn't making very much money. Things were a little better than they had been with him trying to pay his share, but not better enough to fix years of shittiness. I finally reached a point where I couldn't really stand to be around him anymore. I couldn't have sex with him because I was physically disgusted by him being so lazy and slobby. I had sex with him anyway, but not nearly as much as I had in the past. I'd stay out late at open mics and comedy gigs, way after they'd ended because I didn't want to have to go home to the apartment which was a complete and total mess.
Finally, one night I came home drunk around 3 am. Kurt was very upset with me, naturally. He said I had to buy him a cellphone because our phone had gotten shut off because I refused to pay the bill since he used the phone more than I did. (I had a cellphone I usually used and argued that he should have to pay at least half the phone bill, probably the whole thing.) He said he needed a phone in order to get comedy gigs and I better buy him a cellphone. I said no. Normally, he'd make a demand and I'd get soft. But this time, I said no. He said, "Good, fuck you, bitch, we're through." The next day, he didn't help me clean up my apartment at all and I had to clean it myself from top to bottom before I went to work because there was a couple who were renting it from me for the weekend. He called me a bitch and told me to get away from him when I tried to talk to him. I decided I'd finally had enough and just let it stick. He tried to call me and apologize and get back together with me, but I decided to try to learn from my mistake and not take him back.
You have to understand, I still do miss things about him. He is funny, he made me laugh all the time. We cracked eachother up. He was lots of fun to have sex with. He is a very compassionate lover and very cuddly and affectionate. He knew exactly what to say when I was feeling neurotic to calm me down and he could always talk me out of being upset. He is smart and very observant. There are many great things about him. He could probably be the president if he weren't so lazy. The bottom line is, we aren't right for eachother, for a series of reasons.
Here are some of the things he did that made me really stop liking him:
1. He stole my ATM card out of my wallet and stole money out of my bank account. (I'd given him my ATM to use before with my pin number - I think I should be able to trust my fiance not to abuse that information.)
2. He stole money out of my dresser to "buy me a pre-engagement ring" he said, but I never received the ring and I never saw the money again. Like, two years later he gave me a "pre-engagement ring."
3. He grabbed me a few times and pushed me, shoved me, bent my arm back, etc. I have to say, I smacked him and stuff too, sometimes, but I'm not as strong as he is.
4. We went to visit my family in Florida and he stole a bottle of painkillers from my sister's bathroom closet. She was using them becuase she had her wisdom teeth out that week.
5. He stole a bottle of painkillers from my boss and money from my boss when my boss kindly let us stay at his apartment (which is bigger and nicer than mine was) while he was out of town.
6. He yelled at his mom all the time and was thankless to her even though she did a lot of nice things for him.
7. He yelled at me a lot and was moody. He refused to work.
8. He stole pot and money from me and when I'd confront him about it, he'd lie and swear he never did.
9. He had sex with my close friend Gina Savage while we had broken up and then told me he had sex with some girl, never mentioning it was my friend Gina. I at least had the decency not to shit where I ate, so to speak. I'd like to fuck a lot of his friends, but I never would.
10. He stole money from his best friend, Jay, which I thought was bad manners.
11. He lied constantly about things he didn't even have to lie about. He said it was because I freaked out on him all the time which might be true, but only because I felt like I was being taken advantage of by him.
There's more, but I think you all get the picture. So, now he's going onto my website that I use to try to get writing work, post stories and entertain the masses. I guess if nothing else, maybe it's kind of entertaining to read about our back history, but I doubt it's even that. We made a lover's tape together awhile ago when I had short hair, it's pretty graphic and I wish we'd never made it because now he's saying he'll sell it to everyone. I told him not to tape it to VHS but he did it anyway, against my wishes.
He's very sneaky and manipulative that way.
My point is, I don't want to waste any more time than I already have on Kurt. He used me for a long time and got me kicked out of four apartments, including the one I'm in now. I got an eviction notice a few days ago. Kurt paid rent ONCE in the year that we lived there. It was only $650 a month for him to live there, cheaper than most people pay in rent and he couldn't even pay that.
I don't care anymore if people read this and think I'm a bitch for writing it. I don't care if it hurts Kurt's feelings. He refuses to even acknowledge that he ever did anything wrong. He is a gifted asshole. I am sure he will do fine in this business of backstabbery and thievery and trickery. He might even consider giving up comedy to become a professional con man. I can see a future in it for him.
He calls me every so often to scream at me for being so cold. It's not that I'm cold, I'm just tired. I wish I had a psychiatrist so I could complain to them and say, "Well? Am I right?" or whatever people say to their psychiatrists. I wish I could wave a wand and get the six years of my life back. Or, maybe I don't. I learned some really great stuff from this experience. Maybe I'll share what I've learned sometime when I have more energy.
I called Kurt today and told him that he had to come and help me pack up my apartment since it's 50% his fault I got evicted, it's 50% his responsibility to help me move. I think that's fair. You know, I'm not even mad at Kurt. I swear, I'm not. I'm mad at myself for being so needy that I'd stick with him for so long. I'm not mad at Kurt at all. I don't hold him responsible. I just want him to quit posting obnoxious comments, because he is in the wrong. Everything he writes is emotionally based and I am writing from a straight on perspective. Maybe it's a one sided perspective, but at least there is truth to it. I'm not going to say bad things about Kurt that aren't true. He flip flops every day about whether or not I'm funny, whether or not I'm nice or pretty or a good lover and everything else, depending on whether we are getting along or not. I think that is called bi-polar disorder or something, but I'm not sure.
So, I hope if you have been reading the comment boards and see the horse shit that he and Kyle have been writing back and forth to eachother, you understand that this is the kind of guy I attract - I am a magnet for shit heads. Give me your starving artists, your manic depressed, your narcissists...
Thank you for your patience, and God Bless you all for being so understanding to people with special needs.