THE GHOST OF BELIEVE CHICKEN E-MAILS PAST
This is an e-mail I sent out to the masses re: my fabulous show, "Believe Chicken" which is now dead and (almost) buried. But, the fantastic e-mails live on in our hearts and in e-mail inboxes. And now, on my blog! Read away!
(Here's a fun Holiday-Related article by me, reprinted with my permission
from a make pretend magazine we'll call, "BAD AT LIFE")
****Don't you hate someone at work? How to have fun while satisfying
your inner evil in three simple steps.****
1) Ask a question about Christmas, even if they're jewish. Then,
interrupt whatever they say unexpectedly and inappropriately.
YOU: So, what did you get for Christmas?
THEM: The best thing! I got a DVD player, and American Pie on DVD,
and a super dumb book by someone you've never heard of that I will love so
much more than it deserves and try to make you read at some point...
YOU: (INTERRUPT-YELL) I don't care!
2) Pretend you are sorry, and laugh and apologize. Then, smack them on
the ass hard. They'll be perterbed but immediately forgive you as soon as
you give them another opportunity to talk about themselves. Use this
opportunity to repeat step 1.
YOU: No, I'm just kidding, I'm sorry. (SMACK ASS HERE, HARD, LIKE A
FOOTBALL SMACK) So, what did you do on Christmas?
THEM: I had a nice time. I went to the best place ever and I had the
best time, bla bla bla....
YOU: (Interrupt them again, YELLING) Why are you so boring?
3) Beg for their forgiveness. Tell them you are trying out a character
that you are going to be auditioning for on "Saturday Night Live". They'll
ask you about SNL, just ignore them. Then ask them another question.
YOU: So, what are you doing for New Years?
THEM: I am doing the best thing for New Years! They invented a new
thing this year that I'm doing that no one has ever done before and I'm going
to be doing it. It's going to be really great, bla bla bla
YOU: (Interrupt them with a punch in the face, YELLING) Everyone in
the office hates you!
That's it! Simple! Fun! Evil! Merry Christmas! Ho Ho Ho!
BELIEVE CHICKEN COMEDY SHOWCASE
13th and 2nd Ave
EVERY THURSDAY 7-9 PM
Cheap Drink Time start at 6 PM, the happiest hour ever
This week - Hostesses Jessica Delfino and Liz Laufer take a sleigh ride
together - in the shower!
!!!!LOTS OF GREAT COMEDIANS!!!!!!
Andrew Donnelly (Getting real tired of being told to geddy up)
Dennis Quinn (insists there's actually 44 days of christmas)
Clara Bijl (an authentic french hen)
Mike Silverman (gets sentimental when people say "Let's be jolly")
Roger Hailes (fell out of an open sleigh at age six, hates horses now)
Chelsea Peretti (doesn't believe in jesus, but loves the song "Spirit
And OTHER SPECIAL GUESTS who may or may not do christmas jokes.
Come on down and cheer us on. We'll /probably/ appreciate it.
You can send friendly or evil comments about this e-mail to
email@example.com or firstname.lastname@example.org. Please don't email us any
jokes. Send them snail mail. Make up the address. Don't forget to
include a sase.
BE THERE. BELIEVE CHICKEN.
AND HERE'S ONE MORE:
Would you punch a woman? How about a woman with a glass eye?
Would you eat a sandwich in front of a homeless person? How about a
homeless person with a glass eye?
Would you pretend you had bad reception if you were on a
cellphone and you didn't like what they were saying? What if the
person you were talking to had a glass eye?
If you answered yes OR no to any of the above questions, you are
officially a bad person.
This isn't so awful - there are lots of bad people in the world. You
are one of them. It's a team, a group, like MENSA, or the NBA. Welcome to
the crew. I am not a bad person, but I won't judge you. Well, I will, but
not out loud. Well, I will out loud, but not in front of you. Well, maybe
in front of you. It depends. Is your name John Hughes, the jerk who
hekled a funny fabulous comic at Believe Chicken last week? Then, yes, I will
judge you, out loud, in front of you, and your and my friends. Bad people
aren't so bad, so long as they are bad because they are insecure or poor.
Once people start being bad because they are in a band and the rest of the
band members are bad, or they want to make their parents happy or something,
well, that's okay too. What do I know? I think we all agree, the answer is
Please come to Believe Chicken this week! Prepare to judge and be
judged. And laugh, maybe even out loud.
WHERE? NIGHTINGALE, 13th and 2nd Ave. MANHATTAN
WHEN? THURSDAY, 7 PM - 9 PM
WHAT: COMEDY SHOWCASE WITH SPECIAL GUESTS, DRINK SPECIALS, JOKES,
SKETCHES, AWKWARD CONFRONTATIONS AND MORE!!!
WHO? HOSTS JESSICA DELFINO, LIZ LAUFER AND A TREASURE TROVE OF GREAT
COMEDIANS - (HOLY GHOST DO WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW THIS WEEK!!!!!)
Joe Rocha - Knows the WHOLE alphabet, by heart!
Eric Braunstein - Passed him on the way to Tom's party!
Ron McEvoy - People say he looks like Moby!
Andrew Donnely - Plays the dad in a soap commerical!
Ben Morrison - Lives in Brooklyn!
Val Kappa - Lives in Brooklyn, too!
Larry Getlin - A wholesome, upstanding man!
Todd Montessi - Melted the white gangsta chic at Sugar's heart!
HOW MUCH: FREE, OK? IS THAT OK WITH YOU? WE DO THIS FOR YOU OUT OF
THE GOODNESS OF OUR HEARTS!
WHY: BECAUSE WE WANT STAGE TIME!
WHY: BECAUSE IT'S HARD TO GET!
WHY: BECAUSE THERE ARE POLITICS INVOLVED!
WHY: BECAUSE THE MEDIA IS INVOLVED!
WHY: BECAUSE THERE IS A CONSPIRACY!
WHY: BECAUSE SOMEONE WANTED ONE FOR CHRISTMAS!
WHY: BECAUSE THEY'VE GOTTEN EVERYTHING ELSE THEY EVER WANTED FOR
WHY: BECAUSE THEY CAME FROM OLD MONEY!
WHY: BECAUSE THEY WERE BORN FROM THE LIFE JUICE OF RICH PEOPLE!
WHY: BECAUSE THEY GOT LUCKY!
WHY: BECAUSE THEY ARE LIKED MORE BY GOD!
WHY: BECAUSE GOD IS INTO POLITICS, TOO!
SO COME AND SEE THE SHOW AND LAUGH AND DRINK AND HAVE FUN!!!
If you want to read a sketch that I wrote, it is below. Enjoy, see
you at the show. Chicken to you. Questions or comments about this email?
Wanna be removed? Wanna give me an enemy's email? Get in touch with me at
BE THERE. BELIEVE CHICKEN.
GETTIN' A RIDE:
BEA'S RUNNING WITH A BIG HEAVY BAG OVER HER SHOULDER, AND SHE'S HAVING
A HARD TIME, PRESUMABLY BECAUSE SHE'S CARRYING A BIG HEAVY BAG. CAMERA
TILTS DOWN TO SHOW TWO ADULTS HOLDING ONTO HER ANKLES AND SITTING ON HER
FEET. SHE SLOWS DOWN AND LOOKS AT THEM.)
Keep going, Aunt Bea! We're
Yeah, Aunt Bea. Don't stop
now! You can do it! Just up
this hill! We're almost
Who are you two? Get off
(TIMMY STANDS UP AND BRUSHES OFF HIS BUTT. PATRICK FOLLOWS SUIT.)
Now what are we gonna do?
Quick, here comes a couple of
old ladies. Let's jump on
(TWO OLD LADIES ARE WALKING WITH CANES TOWARD THEM. WHEN THEY GET NEAR
THEM, THEY JUMP ON THEIR BACKS. THE OLD LADIES DON'T NOTICE AND KEEP
It sure is hot out today,
isn't it Susan?
You bet, Janice! Why, on a
day like today, I could sure
use a tall glass of whiskey
and a cigarette!
Make that seven!
I hear you! Well, I didn't
actually hear you, could you
I said, make that seven!
(SUSAN NODS AND SMILES)
CAMERA SHOWS THE LADIES WALKING UP A STEEP HILL WITH THE BOYS ON THEIR
BACKS. SHOWS THE LADIES WALKING ACROSS A VERY SKINNY DANGEROUS BRIDGE
WITH THEM ON THEIR BACKS. SHOWS THE LADIES JUMPING ACROSS A RIVER ON ROCKS
WITH THE BOYS ON THEIR BACKS. SHOWS THE LADIES SWINGING FROM MONKEY BARS
WITH THE BOYS ON THEIR BACKS. FINALLY, THEY FINALLY REACH A HOUSE.
Well, Susan, thanks for
walking with me to the DMV.
I got my license for four
more years - provided I live
(THE TWO LADIES LAUGH AND SLAP THEIR KNEES.)
Too bad I crashed my car into
that young married couple
last week. Shame. They
might've been very happy
together. (Pause) Not!
(THE TWO LADIES LAUGH AND SLAP THEIR KNEES AGAIN. THEY BOTH MAKE A
PAINFUL FACE AND WINCE OVER THEIR KNEES.)
Oh! My knee.
My knee, too! Well, I'm gonna
get home, now. I've got
company coming over. I still
have to make the chicken
(THE LADIES CONTINUE CHATTERING BUT WE CAN'T HEAR WHAT THEY'RE SAYING.
THE CAMERA TILTS UP TO TIMMY AND PATRICK.)
Patrick, get ready to
Ditch the old bitch.
When she opens her door to go
inside, just use her left hip
and her knee as steps, and
climb down off of her. It's
just like getting off an old,
I've never ridden a horse,
irritable or otherwise.
Of course you haven't. No
one rides horses anymore.
With the invention of the old
lady, horses became a thing
of the past. Nowadays, only
Indians and poor people ride
So, on the count of three, ready?
(CUT TO JEZEBEL. SHE IS TRYING TO GET HER TEENAGE DAUGHTER UP ON A
Three! Up ya go, Elvira.
Don't forget your books.
(JEZEBEL HANDS UP A COUPLE OF BOOKS WITH STRING TIED AROUND THEM LIKE
IN THE OLD DAYS, BUT THE STRING IS HOT PINK CHRISTMAS LIGHTS.)
Mom, I don't want you to
think I'm not grateful for
this really dope...horse,
it's just that all the other
kids are driving cars to
school and stuff.
Elvira - Spookytown -
Johnson. Now you listen
here, Missy. You will get
down off your high horse
about driving a car. Cars
make trouble. Boys like to
have sex in cars. I'd like
to see you have sex on your
horse! It ain't gonna
happen! Cars go off cliffs
and into married couples
trying to cross the street!
Cars windows get smashed out
by fat jay walkers! I'd like
to see a fat jay walker punch
a horse! No cars, no sirree,
missy! Not for my daughter!
You're unique. No one else
will be riding a horse to
school today! But I bet a
trend is gonna start.
Imagine! My daughter! A
trend setter! Now get off to
school before I beat the shit
out of you with an extension