What's Going On, America?
Hi. I'm Jessy Delfino. Writer and maintainer of "Jessy Delfino's Blog," America's highest regarded sarcastic, dry humored, generally bad-natured premiere weblog. I am proud to inform everyone that I will be performing at a fabulous New York City venue this evening called "CBGB's Lounge." I will be playing downstairs and the show will be $5.
At the show, you will hear such dirty folk rock hits as, "Lullabye - a song that my mother used to sing to me when I was just a little girl about how terrible life is, Sudden Change - it's not about menopause, Someone Who Loves Me - a song about how women have rape fantasies but only for men they're in love with, and more "making sweet, passionate love" fantasies. You will also get a terrific hand-detailed program which someday may or may not become a collector's item, and I will also have Dirty Folk Rock CD's on hand to sell to any die hard fans out there or people who happen to enjoy collecting obscure demos. Other surprises too, maybe.
CBGB's is at 315 Bowery, just one block north of Houston near the F to Broadway/Lafayette and the 6 to near there, too, and the show starts at 9:30 pm. Hope to see some of you there.
ALSO, HERE'S SOME WEIRDNESS FOR YOU:
I met this freak Lastins Panderlings at a writer's convention last week. He was loud and dorky and fascinating and excessively dressed and who knows? I might have tried to have sex with him if he weren't just a hair's shade of too legitimately insane for my tastes. I didn't get to talk to him for too long, but he handed me a pamphlet about this erotic lit workshop that he teaches. It's $75 per 8 week workshop, and this guy is awesome. The best way for me to describe him is as a luni-tard. If any fellow NYC writers or people who take interest in things bizarre are up for taking this workshop, let me know, I'd be kind of interested to go, just to see what it's all about. It's a two hour seminar with special guests and snacks and you actually write an erotic lit story by the end of it. The following is taken right off the pamphlet. I don't really understand this guy, but he seems weird and interesting.
Hi. I'm Lastins Panderlings and I am going to teach you to write erotic lit! You can do it! It's easy as this:
When writing erotic lit, be sure to pair things that aren't necessarily a team. Horse back riding and glamorous gowns. Erect penises and ketch up. Let your mind loose, don't stop. Just go far, far away from where you sit and watch as your brain unravels something sensual and left untapped, encompassed by the very depths of your souls - and loins. Be sure ending the story leaving your readers "wanting more." More on this next time.
This erotic encounter is entitled, "Mommy Temptress."
Jonto is in a rush. He smears mayonnaise on the bread. His mom walks in and catches him.
JONTO: Oh, mom! I didn't see you there.
MOM: Are you smearing mayonnaise on that loaf of bread I just bought?
JONTO: No. I was just standing here near the mayonnaise.
MOM: You have a knife in your hand that has mayonnaise on it.
JONTO: No. I mean, yeah, no I don't. (drops knife to the floor)
MOM: Jonto, you don't have to lie to me.
JONTO: Mom, I'm not lying.
MOM: Jonto, have you ever wanted to have sex with your mommy?
MOM: Just wondering. Listen, I have to get dinner started, you're dad is gonna be coming in the door any minute and he is going to be hungry as a horse! Can you help me?
MOM: OK, I'll chop the onions and you massage mommy's shoulders.
JONTO: Um, okay. (starts massaging mom's shoulders)
MOM: A little lower.
JONTO: Here? (lowers hands to mid back)
MOM: Yeah, that's good.
JONTO: Um, mom?
MOM: Yes, honey?
JONTO: What did you mean before when you said, uh, do I, uh, want to have sex with my mommy?
MOM: Oh, honey! Did that upset you?
JONTO: Kind of, it's just that, that's you....
MOM: Oh, sweetie! Come here! First, zip down my dress for me.
JONTO: OK (zips it down)
MOM: (as she's pulling herself out of it, talks to Jonto.)
Honey, sex is very natural! It's nothing to be afraid of! Everyone does it. People do it every day. Sometimes with their mommy. It's nothing to be embarrassed about, sweet heart.
JONTO: It's just that, I saw on Maury Povich and they had sex with their mom...
MOM: Who did?
JONTO: The people....
MOM: OK, then what?
JONTO: Then, everyone started yelling at them and the people were like, "You don't know me," and then they stood up angrily and stuff -
MOM: Well, honey, that's not going to happen here. This is different. I love you. I'm your mother. I'd never let anything bad happen to you.
JONTO: Uh, I know, but...
MOM: Well, why don't you think about it? (places one of Jonto's hands on her breast.)
Well? Are you thinking about it?
JONTO: (pulls hand away) It's just that, dad would probably spank me if he found out.
MOM: Honey, daddy wants you to lose your virginity.
JONTO: Do you think so?
MOM: Well, you are 31, son.
JONTO: I, yeah, well, I guess I am.
MOM: That's right. Who's my big boy?
JONTO: I am.
MOM: Good. Now, let's go take a bath.
Writing erotic lit is easy, it's fun, and it's hot. Couples love erotic lit as a way of getting themselves worked up into acceptance and forgiveness. Parents love erotic lit because it encourages their children to read and gives them beneficial specifics about sex that the parents did not want to have to discuss with their children themselves.
PRAISE FOR LASTINS PANDERLING:
Joe Verb of organ.com writes:
Joe has the amazing ability to make writing seem easy, fun and weird.
Martho Wanters writes:
I am so glad I took your seminar! Thanks to you, I don't feel awkward anymore looking at myself naked in the mirror.
Beeve Brigamton, BAC TV WKSH writes:
Genius, bitter, bizarre - you have to experience Lastins seminar to understand it.
For more info about my monthly erotic lit seminars which are held in Manhattan, please e-mail me at email@example.com.