THE NEW ZODIAC
I am a gemini. What this "means" is that I'm the twins. What "this" means is that I'm two faced or something, I guess, and also that I have two sides to my personality. I'm like a couple of fat babies squeezed together into one regular sized torso. I'm like a siamese freak show, is basically what the zodiac tells me I am. In addition, I like to make art, I am very charismatic, the life of the party! I hear, I'm also very cool and smart. I think I have a short attention span, too? Who knows? Most of my life, a series of someones who I don't know have been helping me to understand what the universe wants from me by writing short blurbs about me and telling me who I am and what I should be doing. So far, so far. My life is not terrible, but I don't know if this "gemini" really fits me. Sure, I'm an artist, a fine one at that, and I am undoubtedly delightfully charismatic, however factual that may or may not be, and I am something of the life of the party, or one life at the party, and who could forget cool AND smart. But something seems to be missing from that analysis. Oh, yes. Neurotic, and scared to die. Riddled with self-esteem issues and guilt most likely associated with being raised by a technically catholic Italian mother with her own guilt issues traveling up the ladder to the days of King Charlemagne, who I am a descendent of, according to my grandfather. Um, don't forget slightly bulimic, or maybe anemic, or affected by one of those other eating disorders. And who could forget the affliction of all distraught geniuses, (genii?) a crush on psychadelic drugs. So, I wrote my own damn zodiac. It makes as much sense as the real one, and maybe even more. Look up your sign. Does it fit? If not, just try to make it. You do it with the actual zodiac.
Find your sign. What does it say about you?
JAN - FEB: The Quarter Pounder with cheese.
As quarter pounder with cheese rises to meet the June moon, you realize that you are only as good as you can be. You should consider taking a trip. Or reading a good book. Or driving your car into a school bus full of sleeping children.
FEB - MAR: The Lawnmower.
Your birthday came and went this year, and what do you have to show for it, lawnmower? Your face is dirty and you have bad breath. Call your mother. She misses you - sort of.
MAR - APR: Burt Bacharat
As a Burt Bacharat, you are ultra observant, understanding and used to rejection. Maybe it's time to pick up the broken pieces and make a collage. Use the kind of glue that is non-toxic, as Burt Bacharats are known to indulge in a little sniffity sniff now and again, more usually now, and then also again, in the present now.
APR - MAY: The Shoe horn
As the shoe horn, you are aware that sometimes you don't get to pass go, or collect $200. Try to settle for a good conversation with a friend. Does this make sense in relation to your life? Just try to force it to make sense. Use your association skills. Other Shoe horns: Betty Crocker, Uncle Sam, Ray Charles.
MAY - JUNE: The Wino.
Being a wino comes with great responsibility. Count your blessings, while you are sober enough to do so. Try something new, like disco fries, or wearing flip flops on your head.
JUNE - JULY: The Penguin.
Penguins are sensitive, intuitive birds that can't fly. Maybe you should read into that and kill yourself, or at least realize that you may save yourself years of heartache by giving up on your dreams now.
JULY - AUG: Nudie Magazine.
The Nudie Magazine is an earth sign, meaning you are grounded by your work, whatever that means. Keep up the good, grounding work. You're boring. Compatible with: The shoe horn, hoof & mouth disease.
AUG - SEPT: Super 8 Motel.
Aw, buck up little super 8 motel. Your problems can only either get better or worse. So, sit back and watch to see which one it's gonna be. Hint: Put your money on worse and hope for the best.
SEPT - OCT: The number 12.
Oh, number 12, will you ever learn? Go back to school and put your big mouth to work. Most number 12's are known for their big mouths, and big teeth as well, if we know anything about number 12s. Lucky numbers: 11, eighty-thirteen, a bazillion.
OCT - NOV: Hoof & Mouth disease.
Hoof and Mouth diseases are caring, kind, and humanesque in their attempt to get away from their animal instincts. You are doing a lot, Hoof and mouth disease. Is it okay if we call you just hoof and mouth? Everyone doesn't need to know all your personal business. Be sure not to get distracted by people who just want to chew you up and spit you out.
NOV - DEC: The Winning Team's score.
As the winning team's score, you are always thinking about how you can be the best, how you can have the most, and how you can win, win, win. Winning isn't everything, but it is about 98 and 2/3's percent of everything. But you already know that. Lucky days:
Every single Wednesday, the first Sunday of every month.