Saturday, May 29, 2004

The Theater for the New City is having a FREE festival all weekend long featuring music, comedy, art, more art, performance art, all kinds of crap and it's free. It's outside all day today (Saturday) until about 5:30. I'm specifically interested in seeing Joe Bendik and a few others.

I'm going to be doing a show at the Laugh Lounge on Tuesday, June 1st. The Laugh Lounge is on Essex between Stanton and Rivington. It's a cute little hut. It should be fun. Please come and heckle me.

Why are poor people so fertile? Twins are never poor. Rich people take fertility drugs.

It's Memorial Day weekend, so I thought I'd compile a list of fun things to do on this special, special weekend:

- Try eating meat if you are a vegetarian. Go to a barbecue and pretend in your head that you are eating a hotdog made of pure vegetables, you know, onions and tomato chunks and what not. Put ketchup on it and relish, and bite hard. Swallow. Vomit. Repeat. When you get home, say a prayer to the animal gods asking forgiveness. Return to vegetarianism over a pint of Ben & Jerry's (vegetarian) New York Super Fudge Chunk. Write a letter to God and throw it in the river.

- Wear shoes that are white, but sprinkled with a few drops of blood. Just for shits and giggles! Unsure where to get blood from? Simply slice your hand or knee cap with a sharp kitchen knife or razor blade. Pretend you are making a sacrifice to satan to better your career to ease the physical pain. While you're doing this cutting/bleeding ceremony, might as well actually ask satan if he can make your life start getting better. It couldn't hurt anything, could it?

- Wear a bikini to the grocery store to buy more beer. When you get to the store, instead of buying beer, steal a six pack of O'Douls, just to see if you can get away with it! Stick it into your bikini bottoms or purse and if you get busted by security, which you may or may not, depending on how many inmates are working that day on work-release, just tell them that Jane's Addiction is your favorite band, you are dying of cancer and your last final wish was to steal a six pack of O'Douls. I think they'll understand. Inmates can usually relate.

- Make out with a sailor using someone else's tongue. Drink a tall glass of whiskey afterwards to clean your mouth of germs and foul language.

- Call your parents and accuse them of never having loved you.

- Clean the grill, you lazy fucking half-straight half-fag!

Have a lovely Memorial Day, and remember - Memorial Day is all about memorializing memories. So get to it!

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