Monday, August 16, 2004


So, there was an audition today for a show at the Laugh Factory in NYC (sponsored by NBC) called "Stand Up for Diversity" (typically lame theme/title) and I went to the audition,, I'm a minority....right? I'm "Italian-American" and I'm also a woman! So, maybe I'm pushing it, but what if there was an opportunity and I slept through it? I'd feel too lazy and like I wasted a chance. Otherwise, what am I even doing in this city, paying exorbitant amounts of money for rent, food, and other guilty pleasures?

I get there and of course, I'm a millionth in line. I followed the line around the building and almost gave up when a friend said I could jump in with him. Though I know that's not fair, I did it anyway. That put me at #60-ish. (I've arrived at 2 am and waited in long, long audition open call lines before and had been jolted from my spot by late comers, so I justified it with that line of thinking.) However, when the line started moving, all chaos broke loose. It became every man/woman for himself and everyone was pushing and shoving, trying to get a number before they all disappeared. I got number 83, which actually might have been right-ish. I signed up and decided since I was in midtown at an ungodly morning hour (10 am!!!), I'd give Howard Stern a call and see if he wanted me to come on his show and sing some songs about my vagina.

I called up the show and they said it was probably too late, but invited me to stop by and drop off a CD. I was at 42nd St. anyway, so I walked over to the Howard Stern studio at W. 57th St. As I walked up to the building, this kid ran over to me all tired and junked out looking, and I thought he was going to ask me for a dollar or a hit of crack, both of which I had neither. But instead, he asked me if I would please, please, please!!! accompany him up to the Howard Stern show. Turns out, Howard made this poor kid a deal. He said, "If you can find a girl to come up to the show with you, we'll let you come up." So, he ran around since 6 am this morning looking for some girl to come up to the show with him, but no one would go! He said everyone said they had to work or they didn't want to be on the show or they hated Howard Stern. I said, "Let's go!" He couldn't believe it, he had been looking for hours and I so easily said I'd go up. (Isn't that weird? I was headed there anyway!)

So, we walked inside and the doorman called up to the studio, but he said it was too late and they couldn't come and get us. We sat outside for a little bit and I put a CD and press kit together to give to Ann Marie, and while we were sitting talking, Artie came out and I handed him my CD. I met Artie before but he didn't remember me and I didn't try to jostle his memory, because I decided it might be better to start from scratch, anyway. The kid who found me, his name was Justin Mellow. He was so psyched to meet Artie, I thought he was going to pass out. We chatted with Artie briefly, then he took off. A few minutes later, some other guy came down, I think his name was Casey? Or KC? He gave us each an autographed photo of Howard Stern and sent us packing. I said he should have us come up and give us a tour of the studio and a free soda or something, but he said nothin' doin'. The kid, Justin was so excited to even be there. He was a die-hard fan of Howard's and I thought it was kind of shitty that they didn't even let him go up after he spent 4 hours looking for a girl. Of course, I had wanted to get up there so I could shove my dirty folk rock down everyone's throat, but still, they didn't have to shaft the kid like that. I guess once you get rich and famous, you can shaft anyone you want. I can't fucking wait!!!! I have been assembling a long shaft list and I had it laminated so that it won't get ruined by the sweat and blood of my toil. Some day, I shall refer to that list with unrelenting venom and no pity!

Just kidding.

So, let's see if Howard Stern puts me on his show. He's all about anti-censorship, too, at least he talks like he is, so let's see if it's true. If he puts me on his show, he's definitely legit.

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